I'm in an interesting situation with a male friend.

[soursplash]

I think my title says it all, though let me explain.

 

I've been very close friends with Mike for many years now, even since high school. We dated for a while a few years ago, and broke up over generally amiable circumstances after about a year and a half. For a while we were distant but for the last year or so we have been very good friends again. We do pretty much everything together-both when we're here at college and when in our hometown on breaks. I had gotten over Mike for a little while, but after we started spending so much time together again I felt those old feelings rekindle. I was too scared to tell Mike that though as I didn't want to affect our friendship, but judging from the way he was acting I thought that he might feel the same, too. He always instigated hanging out a lot, would take me out to eat, looked a lot into my eyes when he talked, even some flirting (which is odd for him, neither he nor I are flirtatious types).He has not seen any other women since me and other than some brief stints with a few guys, I have not been seeing anyone either. Personally I was the dumpee, but I think we both failed greatly in the first relationship. Mainly I was immature and clingy and he could be chill at times. Since then, I have become a much, much stronger and more independent person and he has learned to be much warmer to those close to him.

 

Well, in the past few months we both have become really close friends with this guy, Joey. I suspected that Joey may have some feelings for me but I tried to ignore it and make it very obvious that I was only interested in him as a friend. As time has gone on and I have tried to be more distant with Joey, he only pursues more desperately. Mike asked me if I thought Joey liked me and I told him I suspected it, and asked if I should talk to Joey to let him know that my feelings weren't mutual. Mike said no, and that I should wait to "cross that bridge when we get there". Not satisfied by this response, I consulted another old friend, Grant who told me that Mike was full of it and that of course I needed to tell Joey something to get him off my back. This was over Christmas break and Joey lives in anothet town so I figured when we all got back to school was a good time to have a talk with Joey.

 

Well, fast forward to yesterday and then Mike and I start talking about Joey again (which he brings up). Apparently he and Joey have been "talking about me" and that yes Joey had feelings for me and had been trying to get me alone to finally cough it up. This whole conversation is excrutiating for me because I figured that Mike's calmness about this whole ordeal meant that I was wrong and while I still had feelings for Mike they were not mutual. Finally (after working up a crapload of nerve) I said to Mike that Joey suffered the unfortunate circumstance that of having to match up to Mike, and that "I hadn't been able to feel the same way about someone as I used to about you". I specifically said "used" because I wasn't ready to say "still" yet. However, Mike was like "Did you say still? Still?" So finally I said "yes I do have some feelings for you" to which he responded that he did, too. I asked him if he has told Joey how he feels about me, and he told me that he hadn't. On the negative side, he's "not sure" whether he wants to date me again, that in fact he just didn't want to date at all right now and wanted to keep things "as they have been". I was a bit hurt by that but instead I decided to say strong and I responded with a "that will be hard but I'll deal with that".

 

I'm not really sure if I want to wait around while Mike decides what we wants to do. I have zero feelings for Joey or anyone else. I really feel bad for Joey but to be honest he is a recent addition to a picture that started happening over seven years ago. Today at class Mike mentioned that he was worn out and didn't sleep at all last night; so this is obviously weighing very hard on his mind. Me, on the other hand....I can't explain it but other than being a little worrisome I am calm. I figure the best thing to do (with Mike) is just wait right now, right? Or what....?

[soursplash]

Anyone? I could really use some help here.

[justagirl1121]

Hey, I'm not really sure what you should do. My situation isn't really the same....but maybe it will help you or even me....

 

I had a coworker I started to like. We worked together for about 9 months and for about the last 5 months, we became pretty close friends. We talked a lot at work, hung out as a group a couple times, but no phone calls....until after we stopped working together, and we talked like once a week.

 

There are a lot of things that make me think he likes me.....it took like 6 mo to get him to come out and hang out....then he became the planner and I had dinner with him, as friends....then he kept leaving like...bait, to get me to ask him to do something, and we did....and we ended up making out....and he said somethings that make me think this was on his mind for at least the whole day, if not for a week or more.....but then he tells me he's not ready for a relationship or to date...but he also mentioned 'i guess we can see wehre this goes.'

 

SO WHAT THE HECK DO I DO WITH THAT? It's like you're guy....probably there are some feelings there, but for some reason he's not ready....so whether you wait or whether you try to talk to each other, I have no idea. It's like on the one hand, is it right to pressure them to make yourself happy, but on the other, should you just let them get away....

 

I have learned that some patience may in time work out for the best....tho it still leaves things rather confusing.

 

but good luck, and keep updating!

[soursplash]

Sounds like you're in a similar situation. I am honestly clueless about what I am supposed to do besides wait. Why would a guy admit he has feelings for you but then say he doesn't feel like dating right now? This guy is not really the type to play the field...so what's going on? I don;t think he'd take admitting his feelings lightly and I don't think he would have bothered telling me if the feelings wer einsignificant. He did express an initial caution that things might be "different" now, but what does that mean? We've both changed for the better over the last couple of years.

 

I'm just so confused and I'm just trying to keep a friendly distance for now...

[soursplash]

No one else has any insight or advice?

[seanryann]

I don't see a reason to wait here. Perhaps the problem is Joey. Maybe Mike is worried that if he dates you, Joey will be mad.

 

I don't think it's fair to you to be forced to wait around here. I think you should suggest going out with Mike, and if he says no, then forget him. There are other guys out there. Move on, and find someone willing to actually make a commitment. I think it's disrespectful to make you wait like this.

[soursplash]

Thanks, I don't think it's fair either and I think I have done my fair share of waiting around. It's just very hard to move on, and I'm not sure if I want to. I just don;t understand what his problems with committment are. Ugh, life is so unfair sometimes. The more I pull away the more Joey becomes persistant, and it's becoming quite the bother.

[justagirl1121]

I know what you mean about it being hard to move on, not wanting to move on, and becoming impatient. But you don't want to scare mike away....and joey seems to need to learn that you're not interested. Take joey's example though, don't be come joey to mike....you don't want mike to feel about you the way you're feeling about joey.

 

i guess a little patience is needed. i ignored my crush a bit. didnt call him. he was the one who called me. the one who was suddenly like 'well have to go grab dinner' and the one who made the moves on me....so maybe a little time apart will bring you closer...

[soursplash]

Well I have spent the past few days trying to get as much of a break as I can from my two friends (Mike and Joey). See, the worst part of this entire situation is that they are the two friends that I spend a majority of my time with here at college....and since all my friends are linked to them taking a break means being entirely antisocial. This means that Mike and Joey have been having a little bit of quality time together. Most guys don;t talk but Mike has this unnerving quality that makes his friends talk to him; so I'm positive that they've been probably talking about me. -.- Though I hope they haven't! As far as I know Mike still hasn't come clean to Joey about how he really feels, and I have no idea why he hasn't or why he won't.

 

Mike appears to be acting exactly the same as he did before our talk last week...exactly the same to a "T", with the only exception being that he seems to be more "apprehensive" about my moods.

 

I've gotten a couple late night calls from Joey that I never answered. It sort of freaked me out so I pretended like it never happened.

 

Part of me feels like I need to talk to Mike again to clarify exactly what he meant, because it really wasn't clear. I think I'd have a better idea of how I need to proceed if I could do so. But, I'm not sure if it's wise to instigate that sort of conversation with him at this point...or is it?

[justagirl1121]

Hmmm...i see your problem.....i don't know if it's a good thing to talk to mike or not. i thought of talking to my crush and telling him how i feel. or well i think he knows now but what i want from him...but i've been told that is bad bad bad! It's different with everyone though, so you having had hte kind of relationship that you have had with Mike, it might be right for you to do in your situation.

 

I don't know how often you two talk about serious things. He doesn't want to interfer with Joey right? Well....someone is ultimately probably going to get hurt somehow...that's inevitable when you got this love triangle going on. Maybe you just need to let Joey know you do'nt want more with him, and that you're kind of hooked on Mike. It's not like you've ever led him on to think that you like him (joey) is it??? Maybe getting rid of the "what if" will help him move on.

[soursplash]

Well yesterday was a very productive day.

 

First, I called Joey so we could have a talk. I asked him straight-up if he had feelings for me; and he admitted he did. I then informed him, very politely, that I did not feel the same and that I was sorry for being cold to him lately. I told him that I valued our friendship and since I realized he wasn't most guys who only hung out with me to get in my pants, that more than anything I wanted to stay good friends. He agreed and said he valued our friendship highly too and that he wanted to remain friends. He mentioned that he'd probably still feel the same for a while and to punch him if he became too forward/annoying. Frankly I was impressed at his maturity and how well he took it. I no longer feel awkward around him and things are fine.

 

After I took care of that, I figured I should kill two birds with one stone and I called Mike. A long-ish conversation ensued in which I was able to find out more of his feelings. He doesn't want to date right now for several reasons; one because it'd be rude to Joey (which I totally agreed with 100%, no matter what we'd have to wait a bit) but mostly because he has issues committing just right now. He said though that he has a lot to think on and needs time, but judging from the way he was talking to me he wants to figure it out so we can try again. I told him that I wasn't necessarily planning to wait around forever....that if someone totally amazing came along I'd go with that....but that I also know myself and how picky I am and chances are that wouldn't be right away. Alll in all it was a great conversation and I was able to better understand his POV and as such I am not really so upset anymore. I've known this guy for so long and I know when he intends to do something and when he intends not to......and he most definitely intends to work this out. I can handle him needing time...fine with me...he's worth it.