calls to other women?

[nicki]

help! i'm so confused. History is repeating itself. Is it me or him?

 

My boyfriend has been text messaging a woman whom I don't know about. He calls her a "friend." In truth, she is a customer at the restaurant he manages.

 

In over a year, I have NEVER heard him mention her. I know about other female friends, mostly vendors. He only tells me about this one now. Because he is busted.

 

The phone bill shows he has been text messaging her. One was on the day after Christmas! He says he just wanted to wish her a Merry Christmas. He also messaged her several other times this past month. And on Thanksgiving.

 

And he says he FORGETS what he messaged her the times other than the holidays....

 

She's moved out of town, so I don't understand the whole thing. He says she is just a friend. But they have never hung out together. Only contact at work and text messages. I don't call that a friend. I say she is a customer who has moved away. No contact necessary.

 

And why would he be contacting just this one customer? For the whole month, there are no other messages to anyone else but to her and me.

 

The whole thing smells fishy to me. Thoughts?

[bluetuesday]

 

this emoticon mean's you're laughing your ass off, not crying.

 

In over a year, I have NEVER heard him mention her. I know about other female friends, mostly vendors. He only tells me about this one now. Because he is busted.

 

busted is a strong word. you seem to already think he is a liar. so, he's been texting someone you've never heard of. you're his girlfriend, not his mum. he's allowed other friends.

 

The phone bill shows he has been text messaging her. One was on the day after Christmas! He says he just wanted to wish her a Merry Christmas. He also messaged her several other times this past month. And on Thanksgiving.

 

several times a month doesn't seem excessive to me. if it was every day, i'd wonder what the score was. but a few times a month, mostly on days when it's conceivable he DOES just want to wish her happy .... whatever day, i wouldn't worry. i worry more about why you're looking at his bill and using it as a way to mistrust him.

 

And he says he FORGETS what he messaged her the times other than the holidays....

 

so? i forget what i text message people. because it's mostly sh*t that means nothing.

 

And why would he be contacting just this one customer?

 

because they're friends?

 

The whole thing smells fishy to me. Thoughts?

 

unless you have other reasons to doubt him, i'd let this one go personally. you have nothing. a few texts to someone you happen not to know, who doesn't even live near you any more.

[lilmoma1973]

 

 

I wouldn't buy what he is saying .. You don't just text a person to wish them a Merry Christmas.. He has you why would he be having contact with another women? Something is going on and if it was my h i would say it was her or me !!!

[cygny]

it sounds to me like he's been doodling her (sorry if that hurts, but you wouldn't be here unless you suspected that too)

[bluetuesday]

You don't just text a person to wish them a Merry Christmas..

 

of course you do.

 

Something is going on and if it was my h i would say it was her or me !!!

 

sigh. something is not necessarily going on and an ultimatum is hardly going to help. nicki is clearly already a pretty jealous woman. now there may be cause and there may not be, we don't know. on the evidence so far i'd doubt it.

 

if anyone issued me with an ultimatum i would be furious. you can't order people around as if they were pets. nicki's boyfriend is not a pet, nor is he a child. he is a man with a friend he wished merry christmas. that's all we can be sure of.

[MoonDancer]

Hi, Nicki. You mentioned "history is repeating itself". What history exactly? Has he texted with other women before and a lie or something was uncovered? I'm sorry if that is explained elsewhere and I missed it.

 

How did you come about his phone bill? Did you sneak to see it or does he make it available to you willingly? If you had to sneak, what gave rise to suspicions in the first place. If he allows you to see the bill willingly maybe that means he felt he's done nothing worthy of hiding... in other words, he's innocent?

 

I disagree with lilmoma on her comment "You don't just text a person to wish them a Merry Christmas". As bluetuesday stated, "of course you do". Friends do things like that and it doesn't matter their gender.

 

As for hanging out together being some kind of determining factor in the definition of friend.... my closest friend (other than my SO) is male and he and I don't hang out together due to our work schedules. Over the years since college (where we originally met) we've had lunch or went for coffee but those times have been few and far between. We talk on the phone, email, or may see one another in passing in the office and that's pretty much it. You don't have to have in-person contact to be friends with someone.

 

As for why this is the only customer that he is contacting.... perhaps he just didn't become friends with any of the others? It's not necessarily a red flag. I have some clients whom I like far more than others... and if I could (my ethics board won't allow it though) there is one former client in particular that I would like to continue contact with simply because he is a very nice person (no sexual attraction or inappropriate thoughts about him whatsoever). He's an intelligent person who I find interesting and who I learned alot from. Nothing more.

 

I say, give him the benefit of the doubt unless this history you refer to tells us something different than the original post. I would also say be very careful when you are reading posts. When I initally came here and read some of the negative comments in response to problems similar to my own, I would generalize them to my SO.... it increased my jealousy, insecurity, etc. But then I had to step back and realize the posters are writing from their own personal experiences and therefore it doesn't necessarily say much about human nature as a whole or even in general.

 

Anyway, I am sorry you are going through this. Jealousy and suspicion and all of the insecurities those feelings give rise to are such horrible things to experience. I hope this all works out for you. Please let us know what happens.

 

Good luck to you,

MoonDancer

[MissD213]

i know what you mean. my boyfriend used to work at a restaraunt when he went to school out near me and now he lives an hour and a half away. well we had a little problem a year and a half ago so i'd check his voicemails every once and a while, when i heard a message from a girl that he used to work with out here. i didn't get what the point in talking to her was especially if she lives out near me when they prob will never see eachtoher again. but yeah so the other day i listened to it again cause i hadn't heard from him for a few hours so i was checkin if he had gotten any of my messages and it was her again. eww. but so i got the story from him cause i figure if it bothers me ill ask why are you talkin to her ya know.. he said they just talk about relationships and what not cause she was in an abusive one bla bla bla bull**** and they text eachother every so often and what not. but dont worry about it. unless he randomlly starts disapeering and you have reasons to believe he's doin somethin he shouldn't.. who knows, MAYBE they are just friends! and i have trust issues myself, so i know how you feel...!

[nicki]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and comments. I have been thinking about what you all have said. (I wish I could respond to each one of you, but I'm about ready to leave on a flight this morning.)

 

To clarify, he only text messaged this ONE woman the whole phone bill (and me, too). I would understand his actions a lot better had he messaged a bunch of customers....

 

Also, I know about his female friends from work. I have never been jealous because I knew about them. He talked about time spent with them, and always invited me along...

 

BUT, he never mentioned this woman. I found her business card in his papers on his desk. (not snooping, just found it.) When I asked him who she was, he said "a friend." He said he hadn't talked to her in a long time, that they don't even talk at all. She lived in another state now.

 

I thought it was strange that he had never mentioned this "friend" when I knew about his other friends. But, I blew it off. No big deal. Then I saw the phone statement about a month later. (okay, I snooped. I had a bad feeling.)

 

Like I said, he messaged JUST her and me the whole month. And wished her a Merry Christmas the day after Christmas...he was thinking of her.

 

After I read the bill, I asked him if he ever text messaged her. He lied and said no....then, when confronted with the bill, he said he didn't remember. It's not like he texted a bunch of people, just this woman and myself.

 

He also said that they had never spent any time together outside of the restaurant. Somehow that made it worse. Here's a woman he meets at work and then starts calling her. She wasn't a friend, just a customer.

 

So, I guess it's okay for guys in relationships to contact other women they meet under the guise of "friendship."

 

As far as history repeating itself, this happened with my last boyfriend. He was texting an ex girlfiriend. I didn't want to look jealous so overlooked it, and it turned out that he was seeing her.

 

I was also married for many years and never had any kind of jealousy issues with my husband. I admit I have a hard time trusting now, though.

 

Thanks again everyone. I'm taking a few days to consider what to do about this. It's been my history to blow things off that later turn out to be indicative of bigger problems.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm sorry. He is allowed to have friends of course, but the texting thing and lying about it makes me suspicious. My husband has a few close female friends from college- they all called each other over Christmas. The big difference? He told me about the calls or I was present at the time.

 

A few text messages is nothing to get upset over, providing they are innocent. What smacks of cheating is the fact that he lied about it to you and you had to snoop to find it.

 

People who have nothing to hide do not lie about it.

 

The fact that she lives out of state is not a problem. There are many people who carry on long distance affairs all the time, so don't let that aspect pull the wool over your eyes.