I'm Chinese, totally puzzled about dating in America

[ddh33]

I'm m/20. Well about myself: 5'10", slim compared to american guys, wear glasses..which makes me look a little nerdy, but overall average to above average looking. I'm a little shy around girls(used to be guys too but not any more), don't say much if I don't see the need, and language is still a problem for me. I know and I'm proud that I speak much better english than most asians who come here at their mid-teenage years. However, I couldn't get my ideas accorss well somtimes and I know I make mistakes in English..or sometimes I just don't get what one is saying. I've tried hard to accept american things: dressing like guys here, lots of movies and music, partying moderately with housemates, joking with them as much as my english can do, and I've learned really a huge amount of slang. I would say I'm now very comfortable around american guys, but definitely not around girls...

 

Never in my life have I had a real female friend, let alone a gf. I just don't know how I should act around girls and what to say. When I was in China I was just real traditional, did my studying every day and then went home...except occasionally hanging out with male friends. I never had a remote idea of dating girls in high school in china(which is BTW common in China). Now that I'm a freshman in college, I just feel the need to have someone with me, to care for me and hopefully to let me do the same for her. I just don't know how to find one...It's not that I've never tried. One had a bf, the other one just didn't like me...and both times I think I was stalky and felt very uneasy about it. I mean I just couldn't seem to even get to be friends with them. I felt like my trying to get with them was weird..like i was trying to make the impossible happen. New term, there are girls I find attracted to...but old problem: how the hell do I start? This time I don't want to stalk or act anything like that anymore...and would American girls(mostly white where I am) possibly accept me? Do I even have a shot?

[barfool]

You absolutely have a shot.

 

What you should probably do, though, is try becoming friends with some girls first. This will get you more comfortable around the gender in general and possibly one of these friendships could develop into something more. Most good relationships start from this rather than randomly asking someone out.

 

When interacting with girls, just try to be yourself. Don't overthink things and worry. You're in college with these girls so the obvious thing to talk about would be classes that you share.

 

Good luck!

[alphamale]

you should talk with the user JOEL on this site. he will give you some good advice cause he is in similar situation.

[amerikajin]

First off, you've got a shot.

 

Second, remember that you're young. A lot of other American guys your age have the exact same problem you do, so don't assume that you're out of the dating game because of your cultural background. For some closed-minded women, it might be a strike against you but you don't need them anyway. I think your problem is simply a lack of good experience. Some people are just late bloomers but if they are aware of what's happening to them and take steps to change, they can get a woman they want. Maybe not any woman they want, but a woman nonetheless.

 

A few tips...

 

Now that I'm a freshman in college, I just feel the need to have someone with me, to care for me and hopefully to let me do the same for her.

 

I know what you mean by this, but I'll tell ya that this is a bad way of thinking. Don't assume that you 'need' anybody. Take pride in yourself and just involve yourself in the community. Try to be social. If this is difficult for you, then just start socializing more with people. Your campus should have some community activities and clubs which might help you develop good social skills. Don't go in for the chicks, just go in thinking that it will help you become more comfortable being who you really are. Follow your interests. Take the pressure off of yourself.

 

One had a bf, the other one just didn't like me...and both times I think I was stalky and felt very uneasy about it. I mean I just couldn't seem to even get to be friends with them. I felt like my trying to get with them was weird..like i was trying to make the impossible happen.

 

There's something you have to understand about dating women: never push yourself unto them - ever. It makes them feel uncomfortable, especially in this day and age of dangerous stalkers. I don't get the feeling you are a dangerous stalker but still, following a chick around is a bad idea.

 

The key to dating is paying attention to a woman's interest level, and working on raising that interest level. Dating is never about pressuring or pursuing a woman; it's about getting a woman interested enough to send you the right signals...and knowing how to act upon them.

[dgiirl]

I just don't know how I should act around girls and what to say.

 

First, start off acting the same around girls as you do with guys. (Cept, drop any machoism, and vulgarness) I'd stop trying to get a girlfriend, and just make some girl friends. Once you get comfortable around girls, your luck might change.

 

I agree with the above posters. You definitely have a chance. I married a guy who's mother tounge was not english. Yes, sometimes he didnt understand things, or used the wrong phrases, sometimes it was really funny, but it didnt stop me from falling in love with him. So dont think your cultural differences will hold you back. In fact, some girls might like the differences.

 

Everyone gets shot down. That's the sad fact of life. Dont take it personally. The nice fact about life, everyone has different tastes, so there's always someone out there who likes us for who we are Just keep looking!

 

Like amerikajin said, dont be clingy around girls. Noone likes a clingy desperate person (this goes for guys and girls). Just calm down and be confident with yourself. Let things build naturally and pay attention to the signals she's showing. And be proud that you took the risk and asked someone out. That takes a lot of courage! Something that I lack

[sparticuss]

Unfortunately most western girls have totally confused feminism and man hating so their man hating culture reduces your chances enormously.

 

Secondly many of them are as shallow as a puddle. There have been cases of girls who have dumped regular bf's when they've turne up on dates wearing something as petty as an out of fashion belt. So your height and glasses will both count against you big time. Many many girls will point blank refuse to date shorter guys than themselves.

 

Finally , despite the quasi feminist preachings many western girls are sheep and only want to date the guys the rest of the girls are already dating. ie They are after sex symbols, local heroes, cleberities, but never actually after good bf's.

 

All of this will count against you. You may well do better to stick to Asian girls.

 

A question for all the "Sistas" who are continually grizzzling about black men who date white women. This guy is here, and available. Why haven't the Sistas asked him out already.?????

[barfool]

I don't know sparticuss. I can't speak for every woman out there, but I know that the generalizations you have made in no way apply to me or any of the friends I have had. I have never held anyones fashion sense against them. Neither have I ever stolen a guy from someone else.

 

As far as shallowness I must admit that at the college I attended there seemed to be an extraordinary amount of it. But I am in Florida so a lot of these idiot girls (and boys) went to this school not for the education. Speaking of which, all of these things that you are accusing western women of can be equally if not more applied to the college age boys (and I use the word boys purposefully).

 

So what do you say to that, bitter one?

[ddh33]

Generally speaking, I like asian girls, but there are few of them here in my city. I've met some through asian clubs and activities and i didn't feel attracted to none...I find more white girls attractive. I know there are some out there who are not shallow and pretty nice...how do I go about it? I feel like my biggest problems are lack of confidence and experience, and opportunities. I used to think that it would be easy to talk to girls in college, but it doesn't seem like that. Most college students (guys and girls) just go to classes waiting for the them to start, end and get out. It's kinda hard to strike up (meaningful) conversations with a total stranger. In fact I find it hard to make real friends. (I didn't make any.)