15 years together, pregnant and he gives up.

[brokenherz]

15 years together, pregnant, he doesn't want to be a married man. Help!!!

 

Hello everybody, we decided 5 month ago to get a trail separation after 15 years together and 10 years of marriage. First he said I should go to Asia for a while so he can make up his mind. I was sad about the idea but since I love to travel and I wanted to give him some space I said ok.

 

I’m 34 years old and I just got my bachelor degree 6-month ago. The 4 years I was in school was hard on us. I didn’t give him much time because I wanted to do well in school. Basically we grew apart. OK to double up my problems I found out I’m pregnant, yes 7 month now, I told him that before I went to Asia but he said he has to figure himself out and he is sorry. So I went to Asia and I found myself a house and waited. We talked on the phone and we were very nice to each other. He even said he wants to come to visit me. So after 2 month I asked him if he knows what he wants now and he said well not yet. So I waited another month and he still wasn’t sure what he wants so I said to him not to come. I don’t want to be his friend but I want to be his wife and now were we will have a baby he should take the time to figure out what he wants. So I cut out the contact with him and he hated it and wrote to me please write me again I miss you. So I did but nothing changed his mind. He didn’t ask me back and it has been almost 5 month now that I’m here in Asia.

 

About 2 month ago he wrote me a letter that he can’t see us together anymore. Things are too complicated between us and I should move on. He said he can’t imagine living with me anymore but he loves me. He says he doesn’t want a divorce but if it makes me feel better and if it helps me moving on with my life I should say I want a divorce. Can you guys believe that? He doesn’t want me anymore but he doesn’t want to divorce me. I asked him don’t you want to go to couple therapy with me and he says only if it helps us getting apart better. He wants to be there for my baby girl. He also says that when he hears my voice and reads my letters he misses me a lot but when he doesn’t here from me or sees me he thinks of the negative times we had during the last 4 years.

 

My husband is an introvert and never talks much and therefore his explanations are short too. I sometimes wish he says to me he has a girlfriend or he wants a divorce and than I could forget him. I don’t know guys I’ve been so depressed the past week and I’m thinking about flying back to America and face my problems. I’m scared to find out it is over forever. We used to be so magical together and nobody ever thought it would end up like that between us. I still love him so much and should I go back and see what happens between us und how he reacts when he sees the baby girl? Or is there no chance anymore? Why doesn’t he want a divorce if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, can anybody explain that to me? Please help me I’m desperate and sad.

I’ve been reading Loveshack stories since 3 month, I read threads by Ladyjane14, Yikes, Mrs. Pixie, Devildog's story and many more.

 

OK, I’m back in America since 2 weeks and I found out he has a girlfriend since 2 month. Now where I’m here he even says he fell out of love with me but he still doesn’t want a divorce. I kicked him out of our apartment and start nesting. My girl is coming in 1 month and I’m totally depressed. Today is my first session with a therapist. Guys do you think to wait for one year and see if he changes his mind or should I go ahead with the divorce? Why was he not saying anything to me when I was in Asia? Why doesn’t he want a divorce? I hate the fact that we have to be friends now, since we have a daughter together. For him it is easier because he has a girlfriend but how do I get over him? I’ve been crying my eyes out every single night. Can somebody say something nice…

[littlekitty]

Firstly I'm so sorry for your situation. I can imagine you feel awful. I think you have to concentrate on your little girl now and try to get healthy and happy for her.

 

I don't understand why he doesn't want a divorce, perhaps it's for financial reasons? However, I think you do need to try and accept that this appears to be over. I think you should persue the divorce and try to make a new life for yourself and your little girl.

 

Good luck. Try to keep positive and of course, keep coming to LS for support.

[brokenherz]

Thanks for your reply. I went to my first therapy session today and it went all right. I cried a lot and talked too much about my husband. My therapist advised me to go to a lawyer to find out about my legal situation. She also said that I have to decide what is best for me.

 

I don’t know what I want and I’m scared that if I get a divorce that will be the end of us forever. I guess I wait and see how long he stays together with his girlfriend and than decide. The thought of him lying next to another woman makes me sick.

 

My girlfriend just gave me 10 bags of baby clothes that I have to go through but I’m not in the mood.

 

Sometimes I wish I could meet somebody so I can forget about him faster but that would be jumping into the next paddle. I don’t want to talk to my husband anymore but I have to because my baby will be there in one month. I wish he sees the baby and wants to come back but I know that is a dream.

[wanda1974]

First of all, ****HUGS***** . Sorry you're going through this. No, you should not wait to see how long he and his "girlfriend" stay together. HE IS MARRIED TO YOU!!!!!!! He can't just tell you to go to Asia, so he can freely be with her, he can't tell you he no longer loves you, but doesn't want a divorce....what's with this guy? What does he say about HIS BABY GIRL that's going to be here in a month?? And, he should take into consideration that you could loose this baby with all the stress he has you under right now... . Defifnitely get a lawyer NOW, don't wait for his petty games he's playing with you. It's all about you and your baby now. That's all you need to worry yourself with. I wish you the best of luck, and keep posting.

[Lil Honey]

Why doesn’t he want a divorce if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, can anybody explain that to me?

 

As a woman who initiated a divorce, I can say that I felt VERY guilty for being the one to want the divorce. I kept waiting for something to happen, for him to do something to "justify" my leaving, for him to ask for a divorce first . . . all so that I wouldn't be labeled "the bad guy" in the relationship.

 

I am sorry for your troubles.

[brokenherz]

I'm looking for free legal advice right now.

 

What he says about our girl, he wants to be there for her and he didn’t like it when I said I want sole custody over the child. On the other hand first thing he said to me when he saw me two days ago was that I should get work as soon as possible. Mind you this man is a vice president at a billion dollar company. I guess he is bitter about supporting me the last 4 years I was in school although I saw it as an investment. This is going to be interesting. I think I’ll file for legal separation. Anyways if he cares about the child why should I look for work now? He is ridiculous and just thinks about himself. I guess he is scared to pay alimony and that is why he wants me to find work now.

 

When I file for legal separation will we be divorced automatically after 2 years?

[brokenherz]

I was looking for a success story on loveshake, where the men left for another woman and came back after a year or two but I guess that rarely happens especially after being with a woman for 15 years. If I missed somebody’s success story please give me the link.

I don’t want to give up quite yet until 2 or 4 month after my baby is born. I don’t want to regret my movements but legal separation is not as bad as divorce right?

[lilmoma1973]

 

I am so sorry this is happening to you now so close to delivering your child .. I would say he is wanting his cake and eat it too!! Do not continue this way cause it isn't healthy for you.. So what does he mean he still wants to be married for he has a gf ? I don't get it unless he is wanting you to be on the side lines in case things don't work out with her.. He is being very selfish and glad you are getting some counseling to help you through it.. A pregnancy can be stressful but being alone can be even worst!! You need to get a backbone and kick his a@@ to the curb he is an a@@ .. Don't you think you deserve more than he is offering ? Divorce his a@@ asap !!! Good luck keep us posted ..

[Moose]

I think because of his position at his workplace this guy's got a big head.

 

I've been on both sides of the fence, (broke, and now well to do), and I vowed that I wouldn't change. Mrs. Moose helped me on that and has had to put me back into perspective.

 

He's pushing you around, (because he does this every day at work),and you don't deserve this.

 

Put him back in his place, you have the upper hand. I'd fight for the sole custody, because YOU would win in this situation.

 

The next time he tells you to do something, tell him to GET BENT!

[brokenherz]

I like that, tell him to get bent.

 

Right now I feel strong and I can’t wait to see the lawyer. I’m planning to go next week.

 

Tomorrow I might feel sorry for myself again and cry about us. I’m so embarrassed sometimes because I start crying in the train and I hate when people look at me.

 

Tonight I’ll go out for dinner with a friend so I stop thinking about this. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I feel like screaming right now.

 

I can say one thing I will be a good mother.

 

Did anybody try group therapy and does it help? I’m in personal therapy right now.

 

I’m glad people responding, I feel like I’m not alone. Thanks guys.

[brokenherz]

Wow almost everybody is saying to go ahead with the divorce. Nobody is seeing any hope here. What about when he sees the baby? I want him to be with me in the delivery room. He might wake up and change his mind, no?

 

Last night when I had dinner with my friend I was looking at an ultrasound picture of the fetus head. I felt so sad inside because I’m alone with her. I’m happy she will be in my life but at the same time my situation scares me.

[brokenherz]

I’m trying the no contact for now with my husband and if he writes me or calls me I will keep it short. No more bargaining on my side.

[brokenherz]

As a woman who initiated a divorce, I can say that I felt VERY guilty for being the one to want the divorce. I kept waiting for something to happen, for him to do something to "justify" my leaving, for him to ask for a divorce first . . . all so that I wouldn't be labeled "the bad guy" in the relationship.

 

I am sorry for your troubles.

 

Why did you want the divorce? Did your husband cheated on you?

[brokenherz]

Did anybody read Devildog’s story? In his case I thought they rushed into divorce without giving each other the space and time to think things over.

 

I wish there was an relationship equation, 11 years happy + 4 years of good and bad relationship + pregnant + cheating = no hope/yes hope…

[whyohwhy]

Brokenherz, I'm so sorry. This is a truly painful situation for you to be in. (BTW, I agree that Devildog's marriage may have been salvageable, from the 0.02% that I know of it.)

 

As far as the equation goes, I am afraid that all the years that you were together and unpregnant became suddenly devalued when you became pregnant. The first pregnancy for a couple is a stressful and pivotal time; some are brought closer, and in some cases, the man makes a break for freedom. I don't see a lot of hope here. Even if he were in the delivery room and had a sudden surge of baby love, that could easily ebb as quickly as it came. This man has shown that he is not trustworthy.

 

It was quite low and manipulative for him to "suggest" you leave the country so he can "clarify his thinking". I am 99.8% sure that he wanted you out of the way so he could easily pursue another woman and see where he got with her, before giving you the heaveho.

 

I found out he has a girlfriend since 2 month... Now ...he even says he fell out of love with me but he still doesn’t want a divorce...

OK, so his words say "No divorce unless you want it" and his actions say "I have another woman and don't want you any more". When words and actions disagree, look at the actions for the truth. If he wanted you, he would come to you and be a husband to you. He's not, he's with her and he is abandoning you...oh so slowly and ambiguously...push push push pull..."oh I miss you"..."time for you to move on"...at the most vulnerable phase of your adult life.

 

Sure, you can wait a year with your life on hold waiting for him to "change his mind". Your choice. But based on what you describe, in your shoes, I would not bother. The chances are so VERY low. I would focus on the baby and myself, thinking of our wellbeing and assuring financial security and the best chance for a stable and happy life that does not include him. Yes, it's hard and unfair.

 

Better a painful ending than a pain without ending. (((hugs)))

[Ladyjane14]

I find it odd that within a month or so of you receiving your BA your husband decides it's time to separate. This suggests to me that there's a possibility he was waiting to implement a plan that he already had in mind. If so, then it's likely that he's been seeing his new "girlfriend" for longer that 2 months. If he was already committed to someone else it would explain how he was so unmoved by the announcement of your pregnancy.

 

You said that your relationship had become troubled. How was your husband behaving in the months prior to him asking for a separation? What problems did YOU bring to the table?

 

Do you know anything about the "girlfriend"? Is she married or otherwise attached?

 

I have to be honest with you....agreeing to the separation was a mistake. It's going to be difficult, if not impossible, to reconcile your marriage at this point. Your husband has had 5 months of living the single life, and if he's happy with how it's going for him, he's not likely to go back.

 

The only way he's going to want to come back to you is if he believes that his life with YOU has the potential for greater happiness than what he currently has.

 

Initially, I was thinking that it's time for the marriagebuilders Plan B, which features NO CONTACT until the WS is compliant with your Plan B Letter (the roadmap home).

 

But I really don't think you've done a sufficient Plan A yet. You were in Asia...out of sight and out of mind. I think that even though quite a few months have gone by, you might put a stellar Plan A into action now. That said, I wouldn't go longer than three months before implementing Plan B.

 

Plan A means that you are doing your best to rectify the problems that YOU brought into the relationship. You identify and meet all the ENs (emotional needs) that your WS will allow you to meet.

 

Plan A does NOT mean that you lay down like a doormat and forego calling your husband into accountability in terms of family responsibility. If you need money...ask for it. If he won't give it to you, go to an attorney. Always, always put the ball back in his court when you need to do unpleasant things like going to an attorney. You are NEVER vindictive when you're in Plan A. You're just doing what you have to do to take care of your family.

 

You can be pleasant and sweet. You can be understanding and listen to his problems and issues. But you have to be strong too. He'll respect that. You're being a good mother and you're just doing your best to care for your family.

 

In Plan A, spend as much time with your WH as you can. Try to make your interactions positive ones. Look good. Be interesting and funny. You want him to go away wanting more, so put your best foot forward.

 

Don't let him catch you manipulating him. You don't want to be angling for sympathy by showing him tears. Your tears are probably heart-felt, but he won't see that. He'll think that you're 'working' him. Doubtless, you won't be successful at NEVER letting him see you cry, but try to do the best job you can at staying calm when he's in your presence. Serenity will improve your situation in an overall way. It will make YOU more attractive.

 

Your husband has told you to get a job. I don't think you should consider that right now. You'll want to spend the equivalent of at least six weeks maternity leave for one thing. After that, I think I'd talk to a lawyer before seeking employment if I were you.

 

WH probably has divorce in mind. If he can maneuver you into setting up a lifestyle that is independant of him....he'll have less obligation to you at settlement. I'm not a lawyer, so I can't tell you what to do. Personally, I think that I would resist until I had legal advice.

 

So, put him off for awhile on that subject if he brings it up. Tell him that you need to focus on the baby and make the initial adjustment into motherhood before you dust off the old resume. Try to remain noncommittal.

 

If you want him at the birth....ask him to be there for it. If you're taking Lamaze classes, ask him to come. This is an important event in YOUR life. Do what feels best and natural regarding it. Childbirth is a miracle, true....but it's also stressful. So, do what feels comfortable for YOU.

 

Plan A is going to feel a bit unnatural. It's going to stretch the limits of your tolerance. Unfortunately, when you allowed the separation you put yourself in a position that calls for you to COMPETE for your own husband's affections.

 

That said, OW has NOTHING on you. You've got 15 years of shared history and a potential future to offer him in terms of a happy family life. It will make you stronger to contemplate OW's reaction to your husband spending quality time bonding with his wife and child. It'll cause her relationship with him to become stressed....and she'll make mistakes.

 

When you've accomplished your goals in Plan A, and the relationship begins to slip into complacency....you implement Plan B. Plan A will have illustrated the wonderful potential that a relationship with YOU has to offer. Plan B will cause him to take action IF he wants to preserve it. The more ENs you can fill now....the more he'll miss you when you go to Plan B. It will cause him to introduce even MORE stress into the affair relationship. You see how that works?

 

You might want to buy, or borrow at the library, a copy of Surviving an Affair by Harley. There will be more detailed information there.

 

Good luck Brokenherz. I hope everything works out for you.

[tinktronik]

I'm looking for free legal advice right now.

 

What he says about our girl, he wants to be there for her and he didn’t like it when I said I want sole custody over the child. On the other hand first thing he said to me when he saw me two days ago was that I should get work as soon as possible. Mind you this man is a vice president at a billion dollar company. I guess he is bitter about supporting me the last 4 years I was in school although I saw it as an investment. This is going to be interesting. I think I’ll file for legal separation. Anyways if he cares about the child why should I look for work now? He is ridiculous and just thinks about himself. I guess he is scared to pay alimony and that is why he wants me to find work now.

 

When I file for legal separation will we be divorced automatically after 2 years?

 

B- why are you looking for free legal advise?You should be able to get an attorney to work for you on the contingency that it will be billed to your husband as a part of the seperation or divorce.

[Mz. Pixie]

Hi B-

 

I see you asked for my help. To be quite honest with you, I saw your thread earlier but sometimes I have trouble responding to posters who have a cultural issue going on such as you. I'm reading into your post that you are from Asia, and the asian cultures are much different than the way I think as an American. Alot of things that we would do in America are not accepted in Asia and are completely unrealistic for me to suggest for you because you believe differently than I do. I'm not trying to be ugly when I say that, I respect your values. I just know that when I've posted to people from different cultures before, its so hard for those women to stand up for themselves because of the way they have been taught. Not that you're not highly intelligent, I believe that you are.

 

LJ has given you some great advice. I might add that I also agree the inital separation was a bad idea. You gave him time to sit around and spend time with the OW without making a decision.

 

This guy is a VP at a company. He can afford to support you and certainly shouldn't have been resentful for helping you get your degree. That's just a bs excuse for the fact he felt his needs were neglected during this so that gave him a justifiable reason to get out and do what he wanted to do.

 

It's probably been going on a while longer than two months. Do a little more digging and see what you can find out in that respect. Knowledge is power. And plus, will give you more leverage when you go to court.

 

The more important aspect is that you have a beautiful baby coming and you will need to do what's best for her and for you. Enjoy that, don't keep him from seeing her or being at the birth should you both choose but put the focus on her and yourself and not him. He doesn't deserve that right now.

 

Any man who deserts his pregnant wife to screw around with another woman is the lowest of low in my opinion.

 

I wouldn't rush out to find a job or take care of myself financially, let him do that- either voluntarily or not. Here is what I suggest. You tell him what you need from him financially while you're deciding what to do. Then, expect him to provide it. If he does not, then take actions to expose the affair to his parents perhaps and the woman's husband or family. Then, should he not, then take legal steps to make that happen. A good attorney will take the case on contigency, especially since you're pregnant and he left you during that time.

 

I don't feel that I'm being particularly helpful considering but I think you do have a good case considering his actions. Take the power away from him and don't sit back and wait on him to come back. Make yourself happy.

[brokenherz]

Hi B-

 

I see you asked for my help. To be quite honest with you, I saw your thread earlier but sometimes I have trouble responding to posters who have a cultural issue going on such as you. I'm reading into your post that you are from Asia, and the asian cultures are much different than the way I think as an American. Alot of things that we would do in America are not accepted in Asia and are completely unrealistic for me to suggest for you because you believe differently than I do. I'm not trying to be ugly when I say that, I respect your values. I just know that when I've posted to people from different cultures before, its so hard for those women to stand up for themselves because of the way they have been taught. Not that you're not highly intelligent, I believe that you are.

 

 

 

I'm from Europe not Asia...but I love Asia.

 

Any man who deserts his pregnant wife to screw around with another woman is the lowest of low in my opinion.

 

You are right.

 

Anyways thanks for your advice and I’ll get some free legal information next week.

[brokenherz]

Thanks so much for replying everybody. Thanks ladyjane and Mz.Pixie. The truth hurts and I’m emotionally tired.

 

I’ve been working on plan A and we are friendly to each other. Still the thought that he is friendly to me and than have dinner with the OW while I sort through the baby clothes is pathetic.

 

I found out about him cheating 2 weeks ago and yes I should have come home to face my problems with him a lot earlier. I did ask him over and over again if he sees somebody and I trusted him. I still not quite believe what is happening to me.

 

We will see if I continue with plan A and if it even comes to plan B. All of you say I should move on and I will start a new chapter in my life wither I want to or not. 15 years together and all of a sudden he acts like a stranger. How sad, it is hard to believe it's him.

 

I know eventually it can only get better I’m a fighter.

[Becoming]

Oh, my! Your situation makes me cry. How sad I am for you. It is one of the most exciting times in your life to be preparing for a baby and now you have to do it with this heavy heartache. It's also a time when you feel really vulnerable, and the father does this to you and your child? This is outrageous. Why would you want someone like this back? THIS MAN IS NOT GOING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU THE WAY YOU WANT.

 

He kicked you to the curb, girlfriend. I agree with whoever said he wanted you in Asia so he could do what he wanted with a new woman. The dog! No real man treats the mother of his child this way.

 

You're hoping him seeing his newborn baby will snap him out of the affair. I doubt it will. Of course I could be wrong. Frankly, I would arrange to have a good friend or family member be with me during labor and not let him be anywhere near my baby. He has chosen not to have her and you in his life. He's chosen someone else in a heinous act of betrayal. He sounds like a user, and a user will take everything they can from you. Don't let him near your baby. He'll take her from you, and she will prove to be your reason for living and a great comfort later on. He may twist things so that he shows you left him by going to Asia, when in fact, he encouraged it so he could pursue an affair.

 

You need to be documenting everything for a divorce so that you can get what you need to raise your baby on your own. You need to not work for 2-3mths after birth and will need someone to help you with a newborn. You need to stay in your home worry-free from money concerns at this time. Then, if you enter the work force with your new degree (good for you!), you will need expensive child care, which you need to be arranging NOW. He needs to pay for that. He needs to set up a college fund. Make him be fiscally responsible for your daughter and you.

 

Let him go. You and your schooling are not to blame for his decision to find someone else. That was his decision, not yours. You need to nest and prepare for a child, which is all-consuming in ways you cannot imagine at this point. Take care of yourself and your baby and quit focusing your energy on trying to make him take care of you and his daughter as he should. Instead, focus your energy on making him fiscally responsible for a situation HE created and doesn't want to be a part of any longer.

 

YOU need to take care of you. Call your friends and family and let them know what's going on. You need real hands-on help in ways we at LS can't give you. But we can give you an outsider's perspective which is sometimes helpful, and we're happy to do that. But only you know what's good for you, and YOU, not him, are going to have to take care of not only you but a new life utterly dependent upon you as the most powerful person in the world to her. Be that powerful person, which beyond all the fear, you are.

[brokenherz]

Thank you Becoming.

 

Before I went to Asia I went to a lawyer to have him sign an agreement that he can’t take me leaving the country against me. It was his idea to separate so he had no choice but to sign the agreement and he was upset. Also the agreement said I get the apartment when I come back and he has to support me during my trip to Asia.

[Becoming]

Good for you. You're nobody's fool. Trust your deep instincts; they're usually right.

 

I don't understand why he wants you to get a job. Who's going to hire you 8mths pregnant? What planet does he live on?

 

Can you go back to the same lawyer or was it his? Agree with others about the lawyer and contingencies.

[brokenherz]

It was my lawyer but he is too expensive. I have some friends that will help me find the right lawyer.

[brokenherz]

Today my husband came to get his checkbook. I put it in a box that I packed up for him but I didn’t know which one so he had to look through all of them. He was so mad with me but I just looked at him and stayed silent. He told me that he found an apartment. I said great but he was getting upset with me because his new apartment is smaller. When I saw he got mad I went into the living room and closed the door behind me. I think he was upset because he is realizing that he is loosing us. But maybe he was upset because he didn’t like to go through all the boxes. He probably expected a different reaction from me and he wanted me to help looking.15 years together and I packed our things and memories into brown boxes and taped them up.

 

The last two times he came over, I always started a conversation with him and told him about our baby girls clothes and toys. I always end up hugging him, crying and asking him to come back. This time I stayed in the living room and waited until he was gone, no tiers. I’m tired anyways, it is cold outside and I’m realizing that I shouldn’t try talking to him. I’m so happy that I controlled myself. So he came into the living room looked at me and said nothing and I said bye. He left and I sat there in my chair reading the book of pregnancy…

 

I guess this is how it will be until I send him the legal separation paper. He was never much of a talker and if I don’t start nothing happens. Tomorrow I talk to my lawyer. My husband will be mad when he receives the papers in March but who cares; he is going to his girlfriend now. At least I know how to react when he comes to my apartment; I just look at him silently and walk away. Did I do a good job or should I have talked to him more? Should I have told him how my week went or asked him how his week was? I don’t know if my actions will bring us closer or further apart.

 

I finished nesting. I got everything for my baby girl and I can’t believe all the things I needed. All the closets that were full with my husband’s stuff are replaced by her stuff, so he had to move out anyways : )

 

Last night I cried but today I wont.

 

I hope somebody will say something. I believe I’m getting stronger because all of you help me. I have some really nice friends here that help me but my sister is in Europe and I have no parents anymore. Thanks to skype I can see and talk to my sister everyday over the Internet. Good night everybody.