15 years together, pregnant and he gives up.

[brokenherz]

My husband was just here to pick something up. He told me on the phone that he has a very important meeting but I didn’t ask about it. He came in all smiling. He wants to be my friend, how ridiculous. I just looked through him. He needed something out of the box and he wanted me to help him. I went into the living room and shut the door behind me. He was in a hurry so he asked me to help him again. So I came out the door and he smiled and said: “ Stay there for a moment so I can see your belly.” I was so angry inside but I stood there not knowing what to say and looked away, what is he thinking…he can do whatever he wants to with me? So when he opened a box he found a picture of us, I wrote on the glass:

 

“ You gave up on us…now it is over forever”

 

I know it is kind of childish but yesterday I didn’t care. I also didn’t want him to see it now but when he is in his apartment. Anyways he yelled at me and said:

 

“ Why do you write **** like that don’t you think I’m already hurt enough?’

 

I went back into the living room and shut the door. He found what he needed or better I found what he needed and he said bye. I wanted to say good luck with your meeting but I didn’t say anything.

 

I hate that he has so much power over me it makes me angry. He always finds a reason to yell at me when he comes to my place. When he moves out I don’t have to see him anymore and when he receives the legal separation maybe I’ll be ready and start smiling into his face.

[brokenherz]

By the way I cleaned the glass and put the picture back in the box.

 

My mistake I do have to see him cause of our baby girl.

 

I hope things will get less complicated.

[Becoming]

Bh--Take your power back! He wants it all--the mother of his child and a dish on the side. Don't allow yourself to play into his game.

 

Tell him you you expect his things to be moved out by {date you mutually agree upon} and tell him if they're not gone by then that you'll arrange for a mover to come and get them for him.

 

Change the locks if you haven't already avoid contact as much as possible for the sake of your healing.

 

We have a tendency to do childish, spiteful things when we feel powerless. But no one can make you feel powerless without your permission. You're not powerless, but you're not going to be taken care of in the way you want by this man at this time. So gather your power, gather your support around you and quit letting him have the upperhand in the situation while you stand idly by and let him look at the baby he's abandoned.

[tinktronik]

BH , Ive been watching this post daily and have had a very dificult time posting here.I went through my divorce pregnant with my third child , and all of the hormones that went with it. I cried night and day and was an emotional train wreck.

You are doing great ,ofcourse your going to be emotional and upset,but your acting like a reasonable adult. Focus on your daughter to be born soon, it sounds as though you have already gotten things in order for her arrival.Its good that you came here for support, do you have friends or family around willing to help when she arrives?

Things will change when she comes , your mind and heart will be filled with something other than your husband,completely.I remember the birth of my third child ,and all of a sudded feeling intense pity for my estranged husband because he was missing out on this amazing child.He was so occupied elsewhere that he dident realize that "the key to happiness" laid in a bassinett in my hospital room. This is what healed me.For whatever has occured in the years since my divorce , my youngest son holds a special place for me "he opened my eyes" to what my life should be ,and to what I could make it .With or without my husband. His birth led me to be a better person all around ,in a way the birth of my two older sons had done to a degree but not all the way around . It was most likely due to the extreme emotional upheaval durring this time.

You focus on yourself and the wonder that will soon enter your life , perhaps your husband will rejoin you , perhaps not. But from your posts I get an emotional maturity and strenght ,that tell me , you will be okay.If you need to talk , feel free to Pm me . And stay strong.

[brokenherz]

Tinktronik this makes me so sad because I feel like giving up with my husband. My mind is going back and forth between should I divorce him or should I file for legal separation.

 

He doesn’t want to break up with his girlfriend and he wants to be my friend. I can’t be his friend though knowing he is with her. He has not helped me except he pays the bills, but otherwise I had to arrange everything for my baby and pack up his stuff. I even asked him if he is going to be by my side when I give birth and he said:

 

“ Can I think about it?”

 

He doesn’t give me any reason to stay with him and many reasons to divorce him. I don’t know why I want legal separation if he doesn’t care about me. I will have to make a decision this year.

 

I don’t think the baby will change his mind to come back to me. Anyways he’s hurting me so much right now that it will take years to recover and than who knows if it works out afterwards. It seems to be too much work and effort for now. Perhaps if we don’t see each other too much for 2 or 3 years it might work out again, somehow that seems more realistic. I guess that is why I want to file for legal separation.

 

I’m so excited to meet my baby on the other hand I’m very scared. I really hope that I will not think about him anymore and she will be everything for me. I do have friends that will help me with her. I know the first 2 to 3 month will be very tiring. I don’t expect much help from him in the beginning.

 

Tinktronik did you file for divorce or did you both want a divorce? Did you have no hope or did you feel like me that there is hope? Although I come to think there is no hope anymore. I guess the more he does things that make me angry or that looks like he acts selfish the more I think it’s over forever.

 

I’m glad you recovered and I like hearing that your baby made you happy. I want the same for meyself.

Today I feel very sad again, I packed up pictures of us.

 

I will sleep over my friend’s house tonight. She always cheers me up. I’m glad I can talk about my feelings.

[tinktronik]

BH- Yeah my baby did make me happy again. My H much like yours, was seeing someone else at the time .I finnaly moved out and had my baby. He actually filed for divorce ,and got physical custody of all the kids b/c I dident work.He married the woman he'd been seeing .And I get the kids summers and some hollidays .Through this experiance ,I learned you can survive anything. You just keep on living.

You need to get things going in the way of a seperation, so that things will be on your terms ,I dident do this and I lost big waiting to see what he would do. Now I know what he would do because he did it. But Ive survived it , but Id do things differently if I could do it again.

[hooghie]

BH- I am so sorry for your pain, but do you see how this guy has treated you??? AND you allow him to treat you that way! He tells you to go to Asia probably so he can enjoy his GF- so you go- you have been begging him to give you guys a chance and he doesn't want to and tells you he won't give up his GF. Don't you have ANY self respect? Get yourself a lawyer and file for divorce. You have to keep some level of a relationship with him for the sake of your child, but start living for yourself and don't let this guy continue to treat you like you are nothing.

[brokenherz]

Tinktronik that is not fair and now I see why I can’t wait. I will file for legal separation because my husband is a smart man and for some reason I think he’s already talked to a lawyer too.

 

I will take action. Tomorrow I’ll talk to my lawyer and I’ll let you know how it went.

 

You are right he can’t treat me like that…

[Becoming]

BH--I'm glad Tink checked in with her story because you really need to take charge of this situation. Him abandoning you while pregnant means you're sitting in the power seat. Yet you keep asking him to drive. Please stop.

 

Take all the proof you need to hold up in a court of law that your husband is having an affair to your lawyer's appointment tomorrow. You need to protect your financial future. I cannot stress this enough. I've seen too many women and children suffer because divorcing women kept holding out hope or just wanted out of a bad marriage as hassle-free as possible. You need a lawyer who's extremely smart.

[brokenherz]

I went to the lawyer today and I’m set on legal separation. I also met with my husband and he understands and wants to proceed with the legal separation. He said he isn’t ready for a divorce and he was crying and calling me sweetie…I told him I’m not your sweetie anymore…he looked at me angry.

 

I know that he isn’t ready to leave me. He still loves me I saw it in his eyes. I felt that he wanted to be touched by me but I didn’t give in and I just looked away even though he was crying and I wanted to hug and touch him. When he got up he kissed me on the cheek and left crying. We will see how things will turn out once we talk about money.

 

It felt so good seeing him again. I can’t help it; I still love him so much. I won’t see him for 2 weeks and that will be hard again for me. I know I’ll get depressed especially when he gets all his stuff. Thursday I’ll have my next therapy session and my friend will come to visit me for the weekend. I have to hang in there.

 

I’m reading a lot in the Coping forum here on Loveshack and I have a feeling it will take me a year or two until I feel better. I wonder if that is true since I’ll see him a lot when we have our baby girl. I wonder if he is excited about our baby girl. He says yes but I don’t know. I will see when she is born how he acts. I hope we’ll have a happy ending but if not…life goes on. There is another prince for me out there…

[Mz. Pixie]

There is another prince for me out there…

 

Wrong choice of words honey. A prince does not abandon his pregnant wife to go out and screw around. Better said "There is A prince out there for me, as I haven't met mine yet"

[brokenherz]

I called my husband today to come over and he came for a short while (20 min). We talked about our baby girl and about him moving out and what furniture he’ll take. I showed him some of the toys she’ll have. I know I’m torturing myself and I should not talk to him at all. I was so depressed today (I cried a lot) and I needed him. We hugged each other and I kissed him on the cheek. He didn’t kiss me; only I came to him asking for hugs. The hug felt so good and we both said we miss each other. I did feel some distance between us though, more on his side. I’m weak. I can’t help it.

 

I messed up right? Or should I keep trying being sweet. I guess eventually I will figure out that only I’m the one asking for hugs because he’s getting them elsewhere. We will see how he is when our baby arrives. What do you think? Am I still working on plan A?

[brokenherz]

We also talked about using a mediator for our legal separation so we can safe some money. I told him that I still have a lawyer look at it.

[RecordProducer]

BrokenHeart, a big hug for you. I can relate to your situation because my ex-husband left me first when our twins were just 3 weeks old. He kept leaving and coming back (it was me who initiated all the reconciliations) until he finally left us two years later. He was seeing the children regularly and didn't have a girlfriend. I felt the same as you: broken-hearted, depressed, betrayed, and had this "it's not over yet" feeling until I got over him. I wanted to get back together because of the kids, because I loved him, because I was lonely... I tried all strategies to bring him back, he was giving me fake hopes from time to time by telling me that he loved me, but our marriage was not working out...

 

Here I am five years later re-married to a wonderful man. The divorce was the second best thing that ever happened to me. I am so grateful to my ex for leaving me. I feel happier than ever. (I am sick of repeating my story over and over on LS, but it might help you to hear it).

 

What you must do right now in order to be happy is move on and get over him ASAP. In order to move on, you need to face the truth and realize that it's over, because he left you for another woman. Do you really want him to come back to you only because he broke up with his girlfriend?

 

He is not a good person; only a scum-bag dumps his pregnant wife! Your story sounds so sad to everyone but him. He cares about his money and apartment and new girl more than his baby and wife after 15 years. If he loved you, he wouldn't have done that to you and you don't need a man who doesn't love you, do you?

 

He may call you and miss you every time he argues with his GF or wants to soften your heart about the alimony request. Be wary of his possible dirty games, he might try to manipulate you just to have you play by his rules.

 

Accept that he is not coming back, at least not any time soon. You WILL get over in a year or two, trust me. You'll date new men, you'll have a career, and above all you'll be a happy mom. Right now the whole world tumbled on your head, but sooner than you know, you'll stand on your feet again and enjoy life. Be excited about your new beginning no matter how painful it is for you right now. Concentrate on your baby girl and enjoy your motherhood. When my babies were born I had so many problems, I now wish I weren't married at the time so I could peacefully enjoy the motherhood.

 

Brighter days will come for you when you face the reality and move on.

[brokenherz]

Thanks RP. This is what I need to hear. I spent way too much time thinking about him and trying to find ways to get him back. I wish I wouldn’t talk to him for at least 3 weeks but after day 3, I give up and either write him or call him. Sometimes he calls me if he doesn’t hear from me after a week or so. I hope when my girl is there I’ll get stronger. I have so much work to do for my portfolio and I can’t right now. I have no desire to do anything.

 

I’m normally a tuff woman and I don’t know myself right now…

 

My friend told me the only reason why he came over tonight is not because he still loves me but because he feels sorry for me. I don’t know what it takes for me to see that it is over.

 

I wont let him manipulate me and I already asked a lawyer what I could get from him, so I wont settle for less.

 

My baby will be here soon, I hope my hormones wont get me too depressed. Today and yesterday I was so depressed and nothing cheered me up.

[Mz. Pixie]

Once the baby gets here honey, ask for some mediciation for yourself. It's possible that the stress of divorce will throw you into postpartum depression and you don't want that. You're all she's going to have!

[brokenherz]

No way I will handle it.

 

Today I tried to call him : ( and he didn’t pick up the phone, I’m a psycho right now.

 

I will work on my portfolio today so I won’t think and tonight I’m going to the movies. I know I got to stop contacting him. No contact until the baby arrives I have to be strong else I’m getting crazy.

 

Mz. Pixie I know you made it clear that I have to move on…so says everybody on LS, my friends, sister and even my therapist. I went to see her today and I talked again more about him than me. I’m so weak…I can’t stand myself. This has to stop when my baby is here, I asked her today to stay a little longer in there. We’ll see…

[brokenherz]

Legal seperation is different from divorce. I have another year until divorce. Until than I hope I'm over him.

[RecordProducer]

No way I will handle it. I’m so weak…I can’t stand myself. This has to stop when my baby is here

This IS exactly the way break-ups are being handled. This is probably the worst thing that ever happened to you and it happened at the worst time, when you're pregnant. You are handling things fine. It's okay to cry, feel depressed, call him daily, hope... Right now you're in the middle of the most difficult period of your life and after this you'll change your whole outlook.

 

Try to do things that will help you relax and drag your mind off dark thoughts; watch movies, read, etc. and when you see a loving couple on TV, think of you and your future lover. You WILL have new lovers some day and won't give a damn about your ex-husband.

 

You can't control how you feel, you can only choose what you will do about your feelings. If you can't beat the sadness, just let yourself be sad. But don't be angry, it's not healthy for your daughter.

 

Right now you have so many things to tell him and questions to ask, but let it go! Give yourself a break and keep in mind that you WILL recover from this, just like we all have.

[brokenherz]

Thanks RP, you are such a big help. Today will be my first day not talking to him.

 

I'm getting so big now and I can't wait to see her... : )

[brokenherz]

Mz. Pixie, you’ll see I will be strong. Today my hormones seem all right, the past 3 days they were terrible. I feel good now hopefully I can continue this route. No not hopefully but I have too. My baby will be here soon and I want to be there for her and love her.

 

I make myself not thinking about him. I change my thoughts especially before I go to bed and it seems to help. I even sleep in my apartment now and not at my friend’s house anymore.

 

I wont get postpartum depression.

[Becoming]

Please be aware that postpartum depression is not something you can control, except to give your body what it needs to avoid it. It's a chemical thing. I couldn't figure out why I got it: I had a beautiful baby, I should be enjoying life, etc.

 

I recently read that some think you get it because the baby deplete's your body's reserves of essential oils from your brain. Start taking 4-6 Omega 3 tablets a day (1500-2000 mg.). This can help. You can google Omega 3 and postpartum to do your own research.

 

But postpartum depression is nothing you will; it's a physical thing.

 

And you're doing great BH. It's natural for you to feel all the things coursing thru you at this time, probably heightened by hormones. But RP is right on the money here:

 

You can't control how you feel, you can only choose what you will do about your feelings.

 

We should all post these words around our homes!

[brokenherz]

Thanks Becoming I'll talk to my doctor about it next week. Right now I'm taking prenatal and iron pills so I have to be careful not to overtake. On top of that I eat very well. Your theory makes sense though and I will read about postpartum.

[brokenherz]

I haven’t talk to him the whole weekend and the less I talk to him the more I realize what an ass he is.

 

My belly has grown so big since last week, I feel like a seal… J

I can’t wait to meet her. Wow I’m going to be a mother how scary.

[Becoming]

Yeah! Good for you!

 

Motherhood is scary, but it's also the most amazing thing in the world. You get to participate in nothing less than a miracle of new life born through you. Will you have someone there to help you with the baby so you can rest in the first week or two? You need a doulah. Some insurance companies will even cover this expense if our mother, sister, or friend can't be there for you just to cook and clean and care for baby while you take a nap or shower.

 

Stock up on foods you can microwave for dinner later and put them in your freezer now. Buy lots of tuna (if you like it). It's low-fat, good for you, and easy.

 

And do check up on the omega 3's. It can only help you and baby now and later, can't hurt, like some vitamins. You can't eat enough to replace these essential oils baby is stripping your body of right now to lay down her own fat--unless you truly are a seal and do nothing but down sardines, mackerel, and salmon all the time.