15 years together, pregnant and he gives up.

[Ladyjane14]

You're doing fine, Brokenherz.

 

By not conforming to his expectations, you're making him wonder what you'll do next. That's a good thing.

 

Time will tell all tales. All you've got to do is bide....and be strong for your child.

 

Hang in there.

[Mz. Pixie]

He told me that he found an apartment. I said great but he was getting upset with me because his new apartment is smaller. When I saw he got mad I went into the living room and closed the door behind me. I think he was upset because he is realizing that he is loosing us. But maybe he was upset because he didn’t like to go through all the boxes. He probably expected a different reaction from me and he wanted me to help looking.15 years together and I packed our things and memories into brown boxes and taped them up. /QUOTE]

 

So, he's more upset about moving into a smaller apt than losing his wife and child?? That is not what you said, but that is what I read into his actions.

 

If he expressed anger at having to move I would have told him calmly, "Well, all you have to do is end your relationship with your girlfriend, get into marriage counseling with me, and you won't have to move- THIS IS YOUR CHOICE because you won't keep it in your pants!"

 

I'm glad you're feeling better. If I were you I'd tell him my version of the above and then give him a time limit as to how long he has to make a decision or clear out the rest of his stuff. What a ass.

[brokenherz]

I already ask him if he is planning to break up with his girlfriend and he says no. He made clear that he choose to be alone now, well and have a girlfriend.

 

He might be interested in couple therapy but not to bring us closer together but to deal with the separation. I will talk to my therapist about that. Why should I do couple therapy if there is no chance for reconciliation on his part? I guess it doesn’t hurt.

 

Yesterday I couldn’t even look him into the eyes it was weird because I looked at him but I looked through him…I don’t remember what he looked like yesterday.

 

He is moving out in February. I won’t call him anymore so we will see if he calls me and wants to talk. I probably have to wait one year for that phone call...

 

Right now everything seems to be about him and how bad his life is. My friend said that I’m in a better situation right now because I have a nice apartment and he will have to pay child support and alimony. He is mad with the world right now and feels sorry for himself. But hey I never asked for all of this and I won’t take the blame. I won’t rush off finding a job right now either. I wait and see how it goes with my baby first. Yes I’ll be strong for my baby girl.

[Lil Honey]

Broken: Wow! Your level of self-control and not even speaking to him is . . . heroic. You certainly took the high road (something I'm not sure that I could've done ).

 

Yes, stay strong for the baby, but also for yourself. There will be times when not only will she need you, but you'll need her.

[Mz. Pixie]

Well, the idea is not to say, "Baby, are you going to give up your girlfriend?" meekly but to rather say

 

"To keep me, our 15 year marriage and your child that's on the way- you will need to do the following..........." and then outline the conditions, while making it clear that you love him but you will not tolerate his behavior.

[Becoming]

Well, the idea is not to say, "Baby, are you going to give up your girlfriend?" meekly but to rather say

 

"To keep me, our 15 year marriage and your child that's on the way- you will need to do the following..........." and then outline the conditions, while making it clear that you love him but you will not tolerate his behavior.

 

If you want him back, I loudly second MzPixie.

 

And, wow! I am so impressed with your self-control. Good for you! You did exactly the right thing; don't second-guess yourself now. Keep it all rational with him and vent here. We'll listen.

 

So what's your baby girl's name gonna be? She probably already knows what an amazing mother she has. May she have your strength.

[brokenherz]

Guys, I’m so excited because he called me today and said how much he misses me. He cried on the phone and I was very nice to him. I know some of you think I should dump him but I have a feeling that this is not over yet. I asked him if we can see the same shrink together and he was not against it. Ladyjane, I’m doing good right? Maybe I continue with plan A.

 

He said he is lonely because he has no friends. I told him I’m his friend.

I also said that this is not fair to call me because I will have hope again. He said I know it is selfish but he misses me so much.

 

Meanwhile I will work on myself and pretend there is no hope so I can heal. My method is by being friendly or quiet I get more out of it. If I start yelling at him and tell him how much he hurts me and what a bastard he is, he will be happy to leave me. No I make it hard for him so he will regret it at the end.

 

My wish is that my baby girl has a mother and a father and if we can work it out I will be the luckiest person in the world and I will all invite you for ice-cream. J

 

I still will go to the lawyer on Monday.

 

I don’t know if I should have been cold to him, I’m so confused. Now he feels better because I didn’t sound so broken. Maybe I should have made him feel bad. I don’t know what do you think? Did I mess up by being friendly to him? I did say again that I think about him every day. Well I’m a human being and not a robot. I should have told him to leave me alone…

[Becoming]

Broken, I think you're wise to continue to see the lawyer and not hope. It sounds like he wanted your friendship. Maybe he will come back; I hope he does and that you can work things out. But don't ignore your own feelings just to try to get him back because they'll come back with a vengeance sometime in the future. This I know from first-hand experience. Our marriage recovered, but only because I made it clear that he could not treat me the way he did and have any hope of ever having a family and self-respect again because I wasn't going to keep it secret.

 

I'd tell him you do want the marriage to continue but that it can't while he's seeing someone else. Until he gives up the girlfriend and you have the necessary assurance that it's over, tell him he can contact you through your lawyer. If he decides to give up the girlfriend, he can call. Otherwise, no. You're not interestsed in being his friend; you want to be his wife. The good thing about having a wife is that you also get a friend. But unless he wants you as a wife, he will not have you as a friend.

 

Use this time to ask yourself what YOU want out of this marriage, what YOU need in order to heal and trust him again. Then if he wants to come back, you know under what conditions--i.e. marriage counseling, your emotional needs being met, whatever you want marriage to be.

[brokenherz]

You are right Becoming. I will write him a letter because this is how I’m feeling. He can’t have both of us.

[Becoming]

It's hard to stay rational in this situation, honestly. It's like you're torn in two warring with yourself, right? Which accounts for all the second-guessing. You really have to dig deep and find your true self and what it is you really want.

 

I think you're very wise to write a letter because you may not be able to trust what it is you really want to stand firm over against your longing for everything to be put back together that is so strong you can't see straight.

 

But you're gonna have to be strong. Trust your deep instincts, even in listening to all of us here on LS. We don't have access to all the info like you do. Hopefully when he realizes what he's lost he'll wake up. Don't throw your power away and just accept whatever. You have needs, too.

[Ladyjane14]

I still think it's a bit too early for the Plan B letter. I do recognize the value in the willingness to end the marriage rather than to tolerate an ongoing affair. Don't get me wrong about that.

 

But after a 5 month separation....it's going to be really easy for him to walk away. He's become accustomed to not seeking out Brokenherz in order to have his ENs met.

 

I think that her past two encounters with her WH have been consistant with Plan A. She's showing her strength. She's making him THINK because she's no longer predictably begging him to come home. And yet she's holding out a 'carrot' to him in her availability to meet his emotional needs.

 

Good stuff, if you ask me. I think that there probably will come a time when she'll have to lay down the law and get into a really firm plan B. But hopefully not until AFTER he's seen the positive possibilities in continuation of the marriage.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah, good stuff, BH!

 

From his perspective because I've been there kinda......here is my take.

 

He does miss you, but does that mean he misses you enough to cut off contact with this OW?? Maybe not. When I left my exhusband, I certainly missed him- because we'd been together for a LONG time, with dating, 18 years. But there were also alot of things I didn't miss. I missed his friendship and being with him in a friendship capacity only, but not all of the other things that should roll up in a marriage.

 

I hate to dash your hopes or anything because perhaps this is different. Whatever you do, don't beg or plead though- that is the kiss of death!

[RainyDayWoman]

i think if the person i loved and who was supposed to love me suggested i go to asia...i would tell him where he could go.

 

just a thought.

 

(i mean seriously, who does that? and who listens?)

 

really...get away from this dude. he's unsupportive and selfish...not to mention very, very weird.

[brokenherz]

I wrote a letter to my husband but he doesn’t answer me back. I told him I couldn’t be his friend if he stays with her. Next time he calls me I will just listen and than say I have to go. This makes me angry again.

 

I feel like writing him if he doesn’t want me anymore than divorce me, why bother staying married…I have to be patient. One day I wont care anymore.

[Mz. Pixie]

He won't do it because he wants to be in control of when the divorce happens and if it happens.

[Becoming]

He won't do it because he wants to be in control of when the divorce happens and if it happens.

 

Yup. Question is whether or not you're good with that or whether you want to take control of the situation as far as it concerns what you want, too.

[brokenherz]

What a bad day, I couldn’t control myself again and I’m crying on the street and on the train...how embarrassing. When does it stop hurting? I hate this loneliness too. I’m trying to keep myself busy but with no passion. Even when I’m with friends I only think about my situation. And I get so hurt when I see happy people…I will be fine, I don’t want sympathy but it feels good when I write about how I feel inside.

 

Monday I’m going to the lawyer and after my baby is born I will take action. I’m not ready for a divorce but I’ll file for legal separation. At least we have another year were things can change or not.

 

You are right; he wants to be in control of the situation.

 

My sister said that when my husband called me the other day I should have told him off so I’m not so predictable. Next time I will do better. I will see him again when he moves the boxes out of my apartment. I’m planning to shut the door behind me in the living room and if he has questions I will give short answers. What do you think?

 

I went to see my therapist but so far it doesn’t help. I mean we talk about my situation and that’s it. I do that with my friends too. OK it has been only the second session but how long will I have to sit there to find out wither she is right for me? When will I get professional help from her? Again I have to be patient. She did ask the same question some of you did too? What do I want?

 

I don’t know, I want him back…yesterday I didn’t…

 

I know he doesn’t deserve me. He abandoned me while I’m pregnant and he is f somebody else and still I want him back. I know I will be strong someday. At least now I won’t act like I want him back anymore. I won’t let him know how I really feel. I swear I wont run after him anymore. Wow I feel better now and I’ll go out tonight.

 

Thanks everybody for listening and helping me it helps a lot.

[Lil Honey]

Broken: Cut yourself some slack. You aren't taking into consideration that, not only did he leave you (which is stressful enough), but you are pregnant and your hormones are all over the map. A person who isn't pregnant is going to have good days and bad, being pregnant only magnifies the stress. Being pregnant means that you need to take care of yourself.

 

Take care of yourself and your baby, then cry or be mad after she is born. Focus on YOU first, not him.

[Mz. Pixie]

Broken: Cut yourself some slack. You aren't taking into consideration that, not only did he leave you (which is stressful enough), but you are pregnant and your hormones are all over the map. A person who isn't pregnant is going to have good days and bad, being pregnant only magnifies the stress. Being pregnant means that you need to take care of yourself.

 

Take care of yourself and your baby, then cry or be mad after she is born. Focus on YOU first, not him.

 

I was just about to say this LH!

 

I think not talking when he comes over is excellent. Better yet would be to arrange for a friend to be there to meet him when he comes- he will wonder what you are up to!

[Lil Honey]

Yeah, call him and say, "My mom will be here when you get here. I have a date with a man who LOVES kids."

[brokenherz]

Actually, why bother staying in the house when he moves the boxes. I think it is better to leave the apartment. I’ll wait until he comes with the moving van and than tell him that I leave. If I stay there it will hurt me way too much and I don’t want to loose my control and cry in front of him.

[brokenherz]

Funny Lil Honey...I get it though.

[Mz. Pixie]

Don't cry, just keep preaching the same message.

 

"I love you, I want to work on our marriage, and I want you to come back home but I will not tolerate your relationship with this other woman"

[Becoming]

Don't cry, just keep preaching the same message.

 

"I love you, I want to work on our marriage, and I want you to come back home but I will not tolerate your relationship with this other woman"

 

Amen! You do have to let him know that you do love him and want the marriage; otherwise he may figure there's no hope. You can tell him what you feel BRIEFLY and RATIONALLY and then back off.

 

Someone needs to be there when he moves out so you make sure he doesn't take more than is his to take. Take control of the situation and tag what is his to take (didn't you say you'd already boxed it up?). Then have a friend there to watch him while you go to a movie or something. It does hurt too much, and the stress hormones affect the baby.

 

Prayers and blessings!

[brokenherz]

Thanks for the advice. I let you know how it went.

 

Today I feel so much better and I was sleeping well tonight. I went to a friend’s house last night and she was cheering me up, and like you, making me think realistically.

 

Today I’ll box up the last box full of dishes. I’m mad that I boxed his s up and he is probably out somewhere with his girlfriend sitting in a restaurant. I think I’m getting angrier every day about how he’s been treating me.