15 years together, pregnant and he gives up.

[Mz. Pixie]

Becoming has some great ideas.

 

It's not a thought about you being weak, BH, I don't think that at all. It's just that postpartum depression is sneaky and it's not something you can help. We're concerned about you and the baby, that's all.

 

Motherhood is so wonderful- and I'm excited about that for you. I remember what it was like when I had my first child, it's such a miracle. Try to see if you can get some help with the baby when you first come home- that way you can rest and still take care of the baby when you're feeling up to it. My folks came to stay with me and it was a blessing no doubt.

 

You are doing great BH! Don't give up!

[brokenherz]

My mother in Law wrote me a letter…she said why do I bother with legal separation. I should wait one year and file for divorce.

 

I won’t wait one year…for what? Anyways I don’t want to get into detail but I talked to a lawyer and he said the best way is legal separation. For my husband and my MIL it’s all about the money but he has plenty and I just finished school with loans to pay back. Screw him…it’s not my fault he wants out. I told my mother in Law not to get involved, and all that matters is that she will be a grandmother. I also told her that I want nothing more than lots of loving from all of us for my baby girl.

 

My husband wrote me today that he has all the information ready I need for the legal separation and that he found a mediator.

 

Wow this will be fun…

 

He moves out Friday. Life sucks.

 

I’ve been talking to a social worker that my GNG provides and she seems a lot better than my therapist. I’ve been talking to her 3 times so far. I feel better after talking to her and I feel usually worst after talking to my therapist. I guess it is because my therapist just listens. I have to feel happy again, this will be hard. At least I know my depression is normal and I wont need any pills.

 

Sometimes I wish I could wipe out the memories we had as a happy couple. I still can’t believe my husband moved on without me. I have so much pain and he doesn’t. I will move on too and I wont end up like a friend of mine. She and her husband living apart since 5 years but they can’t divorce each other. While he has a girlfriend he wont leave, she keeps on hanging on to him. He writes her a lot and I guess they sleep with each other once in a while but he wont come back to her. Crazy, not with me.

[Becoming]

I hear BH talking rationally now. Good for you! Glad to hear you have at least one good counsellor. The therapist may still be gathering info? Stick with it for a little while longer, and if you don't feel like it's working out, find another therapist.

 

Sounds like you're on to the $$ game that will begin. Rotten MIL! She makes me mad, and I don't even know her.

 

He doesn't want to have to pay to keep you through what will be one of the hardest years of your life. GRRRRRR:mad: :mad:

[brokenherz]

today I'm feeling good, hopefully it stays that way.

[brokenherz]

Hurray, I maid a new person. She was born 3 weeks early but everything is fine. She is beautiful and healthy. Labor was easy, it took 4 pushes and out she came. I’m so happy to be with her. Breast-feeding is challenging but I’m hanging in there. Her father came to the hospital and was brave but when he took me and my girl home he was mean again. Now I have enough of his BS. I’m done with him.

 

One day after my girl was born he moved out of our apartment. I had to stay 2 days in the hospital and when my husband took us home I cried a lot because I knew I am going back to an empty apartment. The thought of me being alone with my girl scared me and all he could say to me was: “Why is everybody so mean to me? My mother and your friends are very unfriendly towards me and what should I do?” He also said:” Stop crying, why are you crying?” I told him that this is all a lot for me to take in and my friends are mad because you treated me bad and abandoned me etc. So he kept on saying what am I supposed to do? I want a divorce. He also told me all the things I did wrong during our marriage. (He spited out everything now were he has a girlfriend, f looser.)

 

That hit me like a hammer over my head. I couldn’t believe he said something like that on the day he brought my girl and me home. Since I kept on crying he said: “ Well if you can’t talk to me and keep on crying I’m leaving, I’m not needed here? So he left.

 

From that day on I changed. He hurt me so much and all I can feel for him is discuss and hate. I don’t want to see him anymore and I keep my conversation short. So he came over one day to see my girl and I went into the kitchen with my sister and ignored him. He stayed half an hour with mg and than left. He said bye and I said nothing.

 

Two days later he wrote me a letter, he misses my girl and wants to see her on Friday. Friday came around and no husband showed up for the whole weekend. I think he went skiing with his girlfriend. He didn’t even cancel on us or maybe he wanted me to react and call him. I didn’t call him but wrote him a letter telling him I need the car from Mon - Wed and that I’m disappointed that he didn’t showed up to see his girl. So I wrote him he can’t do that and that he has to pick 2 or 3 days and come those days to see her, if he can’t make it he has to cancel. I told him that way he sees her on a regular basis and that would be great for both of them. Also I could get stuff done while he sees her.

 

He called Sunday night and all he could say was when do you need the car? No sorry from him that he couldn’t come over and no can I see Lillian. I guess skiing was too tiring for him…

It made me so mad again. All I said is: “ I wrote you an email.”

 

So this is what he wrote me back about seeing Lillian and picking 2 or 3 days…

 

It just sucks to come over there because she is sleeping and you don't or can't talk to me. So it feels really lonely and lame, and I wonder why I am even over there. I don't get to hear from you how she is or how she is doing, and she can't tell me, so I feel really disconnected from her.

 

I guess we're just both trying to figure out how to be with each other and with her. I have to say that I don't like being ignored like I am a piece of trash when I come over. I don't think that is really a good way to be around her either.

 

Anyway, I'm really sorry that I didn't come over. It seems like no one

really needs me over there, and it makes me sad. So I guess I just avoided it. I miss seeing her.

 

Do you need to car Tues. night? or Wed. night?

 

So my question is: How should I react towards him. I don’t want to be his buddy. No f way. I can’t stand him he hurt me too much. I do want him to be with his daughter though. I’m so angry he wants me to act like a wife and husband in front of my girl and than he leaves us to go to his girlfriend. I don’t think so. I’m alone all week without him, is that fair…no f way. What do you guys think? I really need some help here. My daughter is getting lots of loving from me do I have to pretend I like him in front of my daughter so he can enjoy his time? Is it fair for me? I believe one day I can be his friend but not now. I told him that but I guess he doesn’t want to listen. So it is either I being his buddy or he doesn’t want to come over to see his daughter. I’m getting ready to write this letter:

 

Seeing my girl has nothing to do with me. It is how it is. Either you behave like a father or you leave it. I'm alone too and do my best without you. Do I think it is fair, no but it is how it is. So again pick 2 or 3 days you want to be with her and come and see her. She will be happy believe me and she will love you in return and you wont regret coming over. Eventually she'll be older and you can do more with her

and take her to your place.

 

Just deal with it. I'm not your friend anymore, we have a child together and I just want you to be there for her.

 

I need the car Wed morning.

 

I haven’t sent it out yet, what do you think? Good or no Good?

 

My sister suggested I should write this:

 

Do you want to see my girl or not if not don’t come over…mg has nothing to do with me.

 

Please everybody help me out here.

[Ladyjane14]

First things first.....CONGRATULATIONS MOMMY!!! So glad to hear you had an easy delivery.

 

The breast-feeding is difficult to get used to for the first couple of weeks. Give us a post if you need some questions answered or even just some encouragement. The first 3 weeks are the worst....and then...just when you feel like giving up....it starts getting ALOT easier.

 

It's natural to be a bit weepy right after you have a baby. It's even more likely when your husband is such a HUGE JERK. And make no mistake...he is DEFINATELY a jerk to treat you so unkindly while your body is stressed from delivering his daughter.

You are well rid of him. Anybody who can act like that is NOBODY to mourn over.

 

It just sucks to come over there because she is sleeping and you don't or can't talk to me. So it feels really lonely and lame, and I wonder why I am even over there. I don't get to hear from you how she is or how she is doing, and she can't tell me, so I feel really disconnected from her.

 

It wasn't you who made this choice. It was him. Now he wants to whine about having to live with it. Tough. Not your problem. If you respond to him at all....just remind him that he's the one who made this choice. Not you. He was welcome to be part of your family. He decided he didn't want to do that. It's not your responsibility to make that decision more palatable for him.

 

I guess we're just both trying to figure out how to be with each other and with her. I have to say that I don't like being ignored like I am a piece of trash when I come over. I don't think that is really a good way to be around her either.

 

Well, all I can say is that if he didn't want to be treated "like a piece of trash"...maybe he shouldn't go around acting like one.

 

It's not your responsibility to build a relationship between him and his child either. Again, it was HIS CHOICE not to be a part of your family. If he doesn't know anything about babies, he'd best get to the library and get a book. Why should it be different for him than it is for you? Aren't you having to learn about babies by yourself? Who's there to help YOU learn it? Certainly not the guy who vowed to be there for you. That guy bailed.

 

I swear....I wouldn't waste one precious minute in sympathy for him. And I wouldn't bother encouraging him to spend time with his daughter. You don't have to be a 'hindrance' (not if you don't want to:p ), but you don't have to be a 'help' either. Maybe he'll get discouraged and just leave you both alone. Do tell him to "SEND MONEY" though.

 

In responding to his email, my advice is to keep it simple, business only. Tell him when you need the car. And then.... you tell HIM when it's convenient to visit the baby. He doesn't live there anymore, so he doesn't get to come and go as he pleases, right?

 

How are things going in terms of legal separation, btw?

If it were me, I wouldn't leave him alone with the baby until I had a custody order in hand. I wouldn't let him have "joint custody" either. You should be the "custodial" parent. He's an ass, who only thinks about himself. If he always puts himself first, how good of a parent could he possibly make?

[brokenherz]

He has two weeks time to find a lawyer or mediator; otherwise I go ahead with my lawyer. I know what I can get and what I want for me and mg. I’m ready for him and I’m ready to fight : ( now I’m angry.

 

I wrote to him:

 

Do you want to see mg or not if not don’t come…she has nothing to do with me.

 

I wrote another letter saying I need the car on Wed.

 

Yes, I’ll keep it short now. I hate to say it but I wish I could avenge myself. I want to hurt his feelings…I feel evil now. Don’t worry though; I will be on top from now on and I will control myself. Ignoring him seems to work.

 

I’m so glad I have my sister and friends that are on my side and they are all supporting me and helping me. I’m glad I have LS too. Thanks LJ14.

 

My sister too thinks he will stay away from us. So sad. I know he’ll regret it one day because my dad regret it too…

[Mz. Pixie]

In responding to his email, my advice is to keep it simple, business only. Tell him when you need the car. And then.... you tell HIM when it's convenient to visit the baby. He doesn't live there anymore, so he doesn't get to come and go as he pleases, right?

 

LJ is right on with her advice! You schedule when it is easiest for you to visit the baby, but DO NOT leave him alone with her until you have that custody order. I do not trust him and at this point he could run off with her!

 

I'd keep it short and simple with him but do remind him that he is the one who wanted this- he is the one who wanted to abandon his pregnant wife and now his child to be with his girlfriend. That yes, you did need him and the baby needs him but he chose not to fufill those needs and see to his own so you can't be responsible for his choices. You're moving on.

 

Lastly, congratulations sweetie! You're doing a great job. I'm so glad the delivery was easy- that in itself was a huge blessing. Continue taking care of yourself and hang in there with the breastfeeding! Know that this Mz. Pixie all the way in the South is praying for you and wishing you both much love!

[brokenherz]

This is what I wrote:

Do you want to see mg or not if not don’t come over… mg has

nothing to do with me.

 

 

This is his answer:

 

Yes I would love to see her, but it feels really bad if you don't talk to me or say hi or anything. Basically you are saying you don't want me

around at all, and if you don't want me around, you don't want me around for mg either which isn't very nice.

 

 

He turns me into the bad person, as if it is my fault that he can’t be with her. What a looser.

[Ladyjane14]

He turns me into the bad person, as if it is my fault that he can’t be with her. What a looser.

 

Yeah....he's going to try and turn it all around on you. That's because he doesn't want to feel like he's a bad person.

 

Your best bet is probably not to respond to him at all. But if you feel that you must, then maybe something like this:

 

"You are welcome to visit your daughter at xx:xx time on xx/xx/xx date. I wll be available to assist you in determining a regular visitation schedule via email.

 

I don't think I would respond to any of his whining. If hard pressed though, you might remind him that you love and miss your husband, but that you don't recognize him as the man you used to know and love.

 

A WS is almost like a stranger, and while we might grieve mightily for the man who was....the man in front of you only resembles him. He's a pitiful doppleganger, and usually not even somebody you'd like, let alone "love". Not even remotely a person that you might enjoy spending time in conversation with.

[Becoming]

Welcome to the world, Lillian! May you always know love surrounds you and keeps you, even in the dark days. May sunshine be your path so that even your shadow casts joy.

 

Congratulations, bh! You've just pulled off a miracle. You can do anything.

(Repeat that when it doesn't feel like that!)

 

You can even deal with that pisser of a husband of yours whom I just want to look at and say, "OH, PULEESE! Go have your pity party somewhere else and GROW UP OR JUST PAY YOUR WAY AWAY!"

 

I'll just second, third, and fourth everything everyone has said here. Don't leave him alone with her.

 

And take him down in court, Mama Bear. You're gonna have to rely on that protective mother strength.

 

So glad you have good support. You're gonna make it just fine. You ARE making it just fine because you are fine. Wow. What a woman!

[brokenherz]

Hello again, I just wanted to tell everybody how right you were about my feelings toward my husband.

 

Yes, who is number one now, my baby girl is. What about him? He can suck my…

I don’t know what happened, could anybody explain the change in me? I guess that last painful meeting with him after he dropped me off from the hospital did it for me.

 

My sister came from Europe for 2 weeks to help me with mg. My sister and I are best friends and she really helped me with mg and how to handle my husband. I ignored him the two times he came over. He didn’t like that. Well and than I changed my behavior towards him again. Yes I’m friendly but seeing him doesn’t hurt me as much anymore. I got used to it now. I have myself under control and I don’t mind being alone anymore. My apartment is cozy and I got a make over sort off. I’m a big bub blond now, hehehe since I breast feed. Sorry, about that but it’s funny the breast-feeding thing. It still hurts though. My girl is getting bigger and we are getting closer every day. Wow this is a beautiful feeling being a mother. I’m so excited when she is awake.

 

My husband came over Monday and mg was awake during that time. He was very excited and we both played with her. I think it is better to stay nice for now since I still have the legal separation in front of me. Also she needs him...

As soon as I figured out how much I need per month for mg and myself I’m filing. After he came over that Monday he emailed me 3 times how much fun it was to come over and he also called me about 3 times. I on the other hand kept the conversation short and didn’t show any feelings towards him. It’s strictly business now for me.

 

Today I’m feeling great, I’m back to being creative. My energy is different since she arrived. Why is that?

 

Sorry but deep inside I still hope he’ll come back one day. : (

 

I’m still seeing my therapist every week. I hope to hear from you.

[Becoming]

Hi, bh! It's good to hear from you again. I've been wondering about you.

 

Of course you still miss your H. It's not like you can just wipe 15 years of your life with him away. There will always be that pain in your heart, just not as much with time.

 

I know it's a really hard time, exhausting caring for a baby, and breastfeeding does hurt. But it's also the most wonderful time just loving that baby with a love that is so amazing. I adored snuggling with my babies and never wanted to put them down.

 

I'm blonde and fair skinned and had mastitis 6-8 times with each baby. Even the LeLeche League gave up on me. Just be careful. Every time I had it I got so sick I didn't even know what I was doing, which was scary because my baby needed me.

 

It sounds like you're surrounded by a lot of people who are there to love and support you emotionally, which is a real gift. Enjoy!

[Ladyjane14]

I'm glad to hear you're doing so well. The way a baby changes your life is a wonder, isn't it? It's hard to focus on anything but your new little miracle.

 

The soreness in your nipples should subside in a couple more weeks. The best thing you can do in the interim is to RELAX while your milk is letting down. I used some deep breathing and creative visualization during that first few weeks. You kind of imagine the milk letting down with the slow exhalation of your breath. If you have time, warm compresses applied to the breast before you put your baby on to suck will help bring the milk down too.

 

If your milk is still copious, you might consider pumping off the excess and freezing it for later use. You'll feel much more comfortable when you're not engorged. That also helps to prevent mastitis, which is painful, as Becoming has mentioned.

 

I have to congratulate you on your tolerance regarding your husband. I can't imagine how you're doing it. I'll admit:o ...if my husband had left me alone and pregnant, he'd have needed a court order to have any contact with my child. I wouldn't have been able to manage the grace that you've shown.

Kudos to you, Brokenherz!

[brokenherz]

It isn’t easy for me to be friendly with him because every time I look at him I think about what he did to us. I talked to him on the phone today; again I’m quick and short with what I have to say. He always wants to talk a lot more and be my buddy. I hate the fact that he thinks I could be his buddy. I feel like telling him f off and leave me the hell alone with your private bs. He says things like,” oh I painted my apartment the wrong color and I have to do it over again and I have to go to the DMV.” One day he’ll probably tell me about the problems he has with his girlfriend. Ya right. Yak he makes me mad. Well when he comes over on Sunday I will hand him mg and go for a walk or do the laundry until he leaves. I bet that will make him mad that I wont sit next to him when he plays with mg. Why does he need me around? Why can’t he see that he needs to back off?

[Becoming]

I have to congratulate you on your tolerance regarding your husband. I can't imagine how you're doing it. I'll admit:o ...if my husband had left me alone and pregnant, he'd have needed a court order to have any contact with my child. I wouldn't have been able to manage the grace that you've shown.

Kudos to you, Brokenherz!

 

 

Ditto. I probably would have suggested he take out an order of protection so that I wouldn't have been allowed anywhere near him out of fear I'd kill him! (just kidding, of course)

 

It's just that those Mama Bear protective hormones kick in somewhere with childbirth that totally amazed me. Someone almost hit me with my 3 week-old in the car. Never even looked to see if anyone was coming, just pulled right out and missed my car by 2 inches. When we stopped, I was blocking his car which would have hit the back of the car where my wee one lay asleep in her car seat. I jumped out of my car and literally yelled at the driver, a teen, to get out of the car and come see what his negligence would have hurt! Poor kid. Probably the best drivers' ed he ever got, though!

 

Anywho . . . you are doing a tremendous job under terrible circumstances. You should be nominated for some kind of award or something!

[brokenherz]

Haha don’t exaggerate. : )

[mablung]

Congratulations for your baby, brokenherz !

If the fact that he gives you all kinds of irrelevant details about his life bothers you, just tell him so. He may do it on purpose, or he might just be unaware of it. You should tell him because it is affecting you, and there's no reason for you to get even more hurt and agitated - you already have a handful to worry about

[Mz. Pixie]

You're doing so well, glad you checked in!

[RecordProducer]

Brokenherz, congratulations on your baby! I am so happy for you that you and she are ok. Did you give her a name yet?

 

It pisses me off to read about situations like yours. My ex-husband packed his bags for the first time one week after I got from the hospital with our twin babies. He came back at my request and kept leaving us many times until he finally left 2 years later. I know how you feel right now. You're devastated and want to see him hurt.

 

You know what? The thing that meant such a tragedy for me at the time turned out to be one of the best things that happened to me, because 5 years later I am happily married to my second husband who is wonderful and adores my kids. I also moved from Europe to the US. Life is beautiful and thank God it makes sure that changes occur from time to time cuz we're not so brave to make them ourselves sometimes.

 

Soon you will yawn when you hear his voice. And when you fall in love the next time, you'll be grateful to that piece of shyt for leaving you...

 

Enjoy the time with your baby and postpone the anger for another time - for the time when you won't feel it anymore!

[brokenherz]

My husband came over yesterday and today and he will come over tomorrow to see mg. Wow it is so damn tuff for me, every time he leaves I cry. Yesterday I told him that it is way to hard for me and that it would really help me if I don’t see him for a while. He can understand me but he wants to see both of us so I can tell him the changes about mg and he likes us together. I’m so devastated; I don’t know what to do. Will I ever get over him that way? I told him it isn’t fair because I have to be the strong one since he is over me.

 

We are very cute together just like a happy family for 2 hours out of the day. This is f sad. He is very good with mg and I don’t want to change that. We woman have to go through a lot, don’t we? I wish that I would meet somebody else so I can go on with my life and don’t think about him anymore. I know it is better to find oneself first before jumping into another relationship but it is so hard. I’m so lonely.

 

Maybe we get back together one day but I hope by than I don’t want him anymore.

 

RP I’m glad you found somebody else you got lucky. I know you think I deserve better than him but actually he is a good one and I f up. The four years I went to school I neglected him and took him for granted. Now I’m paying for it…and I don’t believe there is somebody better than him out there. I know he abandoned me while pregnant and he has a girlfriend now and still I want him back. He has everything I like in a man and really it is hard to find one like him. To tell you the truth in the 15 years I was with him I didn’t meet another man that I thought was slightly as good as my soon to be ex. Perhaps I’m not the right match for him. Ouch that hurts me but it looks that way. I’ll be surprised if I find better than him. Well for now I’m with mg and I enjoy her.

 

Yesterday was a tuff night with her; she wanted to stay with me in my bed. I got lazy getting up and nursing her in the chair. I think for now I take her in my bed and let her stay with me but is it good for her? My friend’s kid is already 4 and still sleeps in their bed. I don’t want that to happen. You think while she is so little she can stay with me? When should I let her sleep in her crib, when she is 3 month old or now? Is

[Becoming]

Hi, bh! As I read your posts, I can feel your pain in my heart, and I'm sorry you hurt so for your H. Do you really think you are to blame for your relationship's woes? Have you talked to him about that? He may or may not see it that way. If he does and you're sorry for that, you need to apologize and tell him the pain that knowledge causes you. Regardless of what happens to you in the future, you'll both need to know what went wrong where so you can learn from it in whatever relationship you end up in. Hopefully, it'll be a renewed marriage. You do have a bond with him that OW doesn't and is probably jealous of. I know it hurts to see him. But you can use that time to work through the past little by little and compliment him with how good a father he is, etc. (men are true praise whores!).

 

As far as letting Lillian sleep with you, there are two schools on that. It does increase the risk of death by having you roll over on her, but that's pretty rare. My sister AND her husband slept with each of their babies. It does seem to calm them to have Mama so near. I put my babies' bassinets right by my bed so I didn't have to get up to nurse them. That way I had them near, but not in the bed because I was afraid of smothering them. Whenever my mother came, she'd go in in the middle of the night and take them out of the crib and we'd find her the next morning asleep with her granddaughter all snuggled up on her chest asleep too. Problem is, Grandma didn't get much sleep, but she did get precious cuddle time. It's one of my favorite pictures in my mind.

 

Research it and then trust your intuition. It's nearly always right. No one knows your baby like you do.

[RecordProducer]

What you're saying about your husband is exactly what I was saying about mine after he left me - that he was the right one for me and I couldn't meet anyone better for like a couple years after we split up.

 

If he were the right person, he wouldn't have left you while pregnant. He puts his personal needs before his family. There are many men out there who are not so happy in their marriages or have mistresses, but don't have the hertz to abandon their pregnant wives or children. Please don't glorify him. If things were right, they would've been right. But they are totally f-ed up. When things like this happen to us, we somehow can't see the situation from above. For some reason we want to persuade ourselves that it's not really happening and almost wonder why we feel so crappy. What your husband did is unforgivable and unexcusable. It's important for you to find ways to turn to yourself and your future.

 

It'll take a while for you to recover, but it won't last forever. You'll get back on your feet sooner than you think. You are probably right that he will want to come back when you don't need him anymore. Actually it might exactly be the reason why he would want you back.

 

I think it's good for your daughter to be with you as much as possible. Doctors claim that babies can't get spoiled in the first three months. Just be careful not to squeeze her with your body in your sleep. It's better to put her bed right next to yours or if she sleeps in your bed, try to somehow isolate her a little from yourself, but still stay very close. Also don't underestimate the possibility of her falling off your bed.

 

Enjoy your motherhood fully. I know you're very lonely right now, but trust me, in a year or two, you'll be glad that you can do whatever you wish together with your girl!

[brokenherz]

Thanks RP you just made me cry, because I know you are right.

 

Tomorrow my husband and I have a talk because I told him how hard it is to see him. Especially pretending for 2 hours every second day to be a happy family. I don’t know how we going to manage this. I know he loves her. I wish he can see her without me but he doesn’t want that. We’ll see what he has to say. RP how did you manage the situation with your boys and ex?

 

I also told him by next Monday I’ll file for legal separation. I can’t wait until all this is over.

[RecordProducer]

I am sorry you feel this way. Hope some day you'll laugh at your pain like I laughed at mine later.

 

It was very hard for me to see him come almost every day and pick up the boys. My mom would open the door and not let me see him or talk to him... then I would look at him from the window... I would call him at night, cry, beg, humiliate myself... at least don't do that to yourself! Try to keep your dignity as much as possible.

 

Keep your chin up - things are not as bad as they seem.

 

You have your beautiful daughter and that's all that matters.