Unwitting male aggressiveness... Spin off from traumatic Bonding

[witabix]

This is a spin off from a few posts between me and Blind Otter.

 

I am very interested in how male aggression, in the context of a relationship, is viewed by women.

 

We were posting about how men may come across as aggressive even though they do not see it that way themselves.

 

So the question, aimed primarily at women who have suffered unwitting male aggression as a negative factor, is this,

 

What behaviours do the men show? (standing over you, standing too close, actual physical contact etc)

 

What words or tone of voice do you perceive as aggressive?

 

What other forms of Non Verbal Communication can you pin point?

 

Can you describe an argument/disagreement in which you have not felt threatened by the males aggressive tendencies?

 

If you were the man, what would you NOT do in an argumentative situation?

 

I would request that men who think that this is a crock of shyte keep their posts to the point. I would also request that women who simply want to call all men animals keep their posts short.

 

I really want to know what women who have experienced this as a negative in their lives think, and how they would advise a man to avoid it, without just telling him to shut up and sit down!

[Outcast]

If you have issues stemming from your earlier life, then getting therapy is the best thing to do. There are therapeutic means to deal with anger you're holding on to that should help relieve the steam

 

As for 'aggression', it is, of course, the step before abuse. So I suggest that you read the sites on domestic violence and signs of an abuser to see what behaviour is considered troublesome.

 

Essentially, any sort of physical threat - grabbing, holding, preventing from leaving, standing over and yelling/threatening, demanding you be obeyed or else, grabbing clothes, throwing things at the person or close, breaking things (unless you have an agreement that there are items which may be broken in an acceptable way like dropping an old ugly glass on the floor), damaging the other person's property, etc etc. The list can be endless.

 

And what you do is walk away until the adrenaline which is fuelled by the anger has a chance to drain away and you're back to a calm state of mind. So long as you're angry, your animal 'fight or flight' response is ready to leap into action to 'save' you and that very 'fight or flight' response might cause you to do something you'll regret.

 

Do not try to fool yourself that you can get control while angry. We're not wired that way so if the animal responses start to kick in, it's getting to be too late. You have to shortcut that process by removing yourself.

You might want to discuss the issue via email where the in-your-face emotionality isn't as easily triggered. You might want to book an appointment to discuss it later and go off and write down your feelings. What you do is not drop the situation but not try to deal with it when you're not in the best frame of mind.

 

Understand, I'm not calling men animals. We are animals - all of us.

[crzyblndstar]

I dont really know what I would tell a man on how to avoid it. When I tell mine that he is yelling or that he needs to get out of my face, he just gets even more angry. I see male aggressiveness almost weekly. Whenever he gets mad, I get to be the one listening to him yell. He may not be yelling at me, but it is still intimidating to me. We have gotten in arguments before and he has gotten nose-to-nose with me and screamed. Whenever someone uninvitingly invades my personal space, I always find this aggressive. My only advice to a man would be just to calm down and talk about things. I think most women would find it intimidating for a man to lose his temper. I have also been in a relationship before where I never felt threatened. We would argue, but we never held. We would basically both just walk away until we calmed down, so that we did not yell at each other. Our arguments always seemed to get resolved. Just some of my thoughts.

[Mz. Pixie]

Outcast had alot of the things posted that I agree with. In the end, my exhusband would stand over me and get down in my face and yell. Several times held me and prevented me from leaving the room. Once I'd taken a sleeping pill and he wouldn't let me go to sleep. He kept me pinned in the bedroom for two hours until I cried myself into exhaustion.

 

He weighed 150 lbs more than me and was screaming as loud as he could in my face at times.

 

That is when I knew I had to get out. A man should never grab on a woman either or force them to stay in the room or car when they want to leave.

[witabix]

Ok, thanks for that.

 

I have to go out now, but I would like to come back on this later.

 

Thanks ladies for your input.

[sparticuss]

I would request that men who think that this is a crock of shyte keep their posts to the point. I would also request that women who simply want to call all men animals keep their posts short.

 

 

Bingo there weta! You got a point.

There are a great many women out there who think that being male is an aggressive act in itself.. An affectionate child hugs them and they hug back. An afectionate guy hugs them and they are screaming.

 

And for every woman who calls all men animals I cna count a dozen who are infected by the culture. And who genuinely can't see the difference between affection and aggression.

[witabix]

This was sparked by a comment from a post I read elsewhere.

 

I think it said something like "men being aggressive without realising it".

 

I was interested to know if any one can describe any behaviour they have witnessed that falls under the category of "Unknowing aggressiveness".

 

Some of the above cast a little light.

 

Its odd that I posted this in the light of recent events in my life.

 

I really lost my temper. I mean really lost it.

 

I used to say that I "used to have a bad temper" but that it was gone now. I have not lost it like that for years, I reckon it must have been at least 1984/5, thats twenty years ago. I thought I had it licked, completely and utterly, like thats NEVER going to happen ME again. I am so calm and laid back.

 

I talked to a friend about it. We came to the conclusion that we all have a panel of buttons. One is marked, his words, "self destruct".

 

I thought I had successfully removed the wiring to my brain from that one, and the only one left that worked was labelled "mildly irritated". Because for so long that was the only one that worked.

 

It seems I deliberately reconnected it, my responsibility, and my fault. I know you cannot blame anyone for you losing your temper.

 

Pretty disappointed in myself. But I will learn again. The wiring is being removed as I type this.

 

It seems you have to get close to me to see this shyte. I really don't like it. I feel I have degraded myself.

 

I do forgive myself though, because no one else can.

 

Need to remember the lessons I learned years ago.

 

Still, it was only once in twenty years or so. It used to be weekly/monthly. I can forgive myself. Incidentally no one got hurt, even slightly.