need , in a bad place

[tru]

I have in a relationship for the past four years, and I could ask for a better person to be in it with. I had never been in such a long relationship before so i didnt really know how to handle it but I knew that we loved eachother very deeply.

 

A couple weeks ago she told me she need some time apart, and this was brought on because of my actions over the past half year to year. After dating for three years I started to get to a point where I was taking her for granted, and I slowly started to treat her worse and worse (not violent, just not loving enough) and I didnt eve see that I was doing it because we had been together for so long I got complacent and selfish. I unkowingly pushed her into making this desicion.

 

When she told me I felt really sad, and over the next week I looked back on the last year and they way I acted and I felt absolutely shattered knowing that I treated her that way. I was able to re-asses myself and realize just how much I still love her and has given me a whol new appreciation of her. Kind of a "you dont know what you got until its gone" deal. I recently told her all of this and that was a changed person, and that I know I am still ther man she fell in love with and could still give her that same happiness. I asked her for a second chance and she said she count not give me that chance right now, that her feelings had changed for me.

 

This obviously came as devastating news to me, but I think her feelings had changed because of the way I had been treating her (obviously) and I need her to see that I am different person, and that this event had made me realize how lucky I was to have her in the first place, and how much I still love her. I know that if she would give me a second chance I could show her I am a different person ready to commit myself to her, and that I have learned from my mistakes.

 

Should she be giving me another chance? what do I need to do to show her that I am changed and that i still love her so much?

 

I am really confused and hurt, mostly knowing that I caused all this. Is it over for me or is there hope thtat I can show her that I am the man she fell in love with?

 

 

Any help is so greatly appreciated, I am very depressed about this and I have no friends that I can go to for support.

 

thanks so much for reading this, sorry for the length

[Jey Dey Dey]

I read this in another post, if you go back you'll see the link:

 

You can feel them pulling away. You can see it. They may have even said it straight out, "I'm leaving you." Often this sets off a number of emotional alarm clocks at their highest volume and intensity. Few times in life is it easier to panic. Few times in life is it more important you don't.

 

It feels like a disaster doesn't it? Well you've watched disaster movies. You know how it goes. The ones who panic die off early in the movie. They are small part actors and you never remember their names. The one's who keep their heads in the crisis tend to walk out of the flaming building with the other most attractive character on their arm. If you want to win them back you must make a decision now to either panic and most likely lose your goal before you get close to it or to get in your brain, utilize your anxiety, depression, anger, and loneliness. And while you're at it don't forget to utilize rather than suffer all that pain you've been given.

 

Chances are you're getting a lot of conflicting advice from folks. It all boils down to fish or cut bait. The advice I give to win a love back starts with the same advice as for letting go.

 

Let go.

 

Romance, love, sex, it's always a dance. It's all back and forward, back and forward. When your love pulls back, then back again and you are still moving forward, it's no longer a dance, it's a chase. And what do people do when we chase after their affection? They run.

 

I imagine your love is prepared for the chase to continue, and if I'm right it makes them feel guilty. How often does guilt buy love and attraction? Not often. I've never seen it. Have you?

 

If anything will work at all it is to let go. Not let go and sit home and suffer, but let go and go have a blast every day. This may sound impossible. But if your love is strong enough, if your goal of winning them back is compelling enough; you can do anything you have to do. Letting go and having a blast strengthens your position several ways.

 

It surprises them. They have taken your suffering for granted. They assume it. That's the person they're dumping. Who the hell is this person having so much fun? Curiosity is compelling. You get happy and relaxed with this and it hits them like a bucket of cold water that they don't know you quite as well as they thought they did.

We're all sexier and more attractive when we're having a blast than when we're depressed. It's far more compelling than making them responsible for our happiness.

When they see beyond a shadow of a doubt you're no longer chasing after their affection they can quit running and make their decision based on what they want instead of the chase they're running from.

We often take each other for granted. Part of the reason you've stopped taking them for granted right now is they've pulled back. The water in the well really is running dry. If your love will come back it will be after "they" realize all that's missing from life without you. They can't know what that is till you've pulled back as well.

Impatience is your enemy. It compells you to take action out of fear and we know that causes more mistakes and bigger mistakes. Generally impatience cannot be just pressed down, it creeps out and peeps out when you least expect it. Impatience is just that little voice inside your head that tells you, you can't be happy until you know your love is glad to be back. There's only one thing that really squashes impatience - making yourself go have so much fun every day that your brain has to go, "well, duuuuh, guess I can be happy right now and continue taking strategic actions towards my goal." A former Boss of mine had a standard rule for submitting loan applications, "Don't hurry up to get a turn down." If it's important, you must focus more on getting it right than doing it in a hurry.

 

I promise you , you're far more likely to win them back the more you enjoy this process and the less you suffer it. If you think that's impossible, think again. The most successful people on earth choose to enjoy challenges rather than be swamped by them. You must only make a decision now whether or not this goal is important enough for you to use your head or unimportant enough for you to allow your compulsions to defeat you. It's up to you.

 

I've seen this advice bring couples back together after restraining orders have been issued and clients have been arrested for breaking them. I don't guarantee it to work everytime and it works better than anything else. And if it doesn't work to win them back, in the process you've been strengthened and prepared to let go for good far more comfortably than you are right now.

 

Your fear is that if you let go you'll lose them. In fact you're more likely to lose them if you don't.

 

By the way I know taking this advice is a lot more challenging than giving it because I've done both.

 

Whoever you are, my prayer and my faith are with you. This is a helluva a "bump" on life's road, but you're stronger than you realize and you will be alright. If it's terribly important to you and you really work at this recipe you'll do quite a bit better than alright.

 

I was talking to a girl the other day that was following a recipe for grief. Her rule was that she was not promiscuious. It's a good rule. She felt like a relationship really had to be serious before she put out. Only under the influence of starry nights and a glass of something bubbly she'd put out and then decide it must be serious, this must be the one since she did in fact put out. This now caused her to treat the poor guy like "hey, we're destiny" and he would run from her speed and consequently her relationships were ending in disaster before they ever started. I suggested she change her rule. I suggested her new rule be that if she really liked and respected the guy and visa versa; if there was chemistry and they were safe.... then it was okay to have sex without this having to be "her soulmate." Either that or cut out mixing starry nights, bubbly and attractive men.

 

Many will disagree and yet she seems far, far happier for the change.

 

For some there is the added problem of your love thinking they're in love with someone else. That's about as hard a romantic bump in life as there is. You hate your rival. And yet, many times I've seen the other person be the key that puts your relationship back together. HOW??? Simple, while you've got alarm clocks going off like crazy the one you love is in the flush of infatuation. Infatuation is not love. Looks like it, feels like it, but it isn't love. Love is when you look at someone and say "I know all their faults and even if they never change a thing - I love them enough to stay." A person who's infatuated isn't qualified to make that statement. Not that it stops them or stops them from believing it. It's just good to know.

 

When you utilize your alarm clocks and make yourself have so much fun you can be patient.... now they have time alone with the new Mr. or Miss wonderful. Infatuation moves into the stage of disillusionment. They wonder what they saw in the new one in the first place. If at the same time they see you're not chasing them they can far more easily find themselves thinking "Why the new one isn't as good as the other one, am I being an idiot here or what?"

 

One girl told me, "But I can't have fun while I'm picturing them together!" Good point. Quit picturing things that hurt. Have three things you love to think about and three things you love to do in mind and handy at all times. When the picture starts, treat it like an alarm clock telling you to "Right now this very minute, think and do something else fun!" The first few times will be a little difficult, after that it's easier.

 

Finally, last but not least ask yourself these hard questions. Do I really love this person? Really? Do I love them enough to let them go? Do I love them enough to let go and have fun today and tomorrow and the days after that? Or is my love so selfish that I can only be happy if they're here serving my emotional needs no matter how much they may not want to right now?

 

Feeling like you're losing someone you love can be rough. It demands hard questions be answered. Serious decisions must be made. You're stronger than you realize. You can do whatever you need do to make your life healthier and happier if you choose to. Give it some thought, time and prayer and then choose.

[tru]

does anyone have any advice for me, this has been really hard for me and I am struggling with myself on a daily basis on what to do about this. I am not eating and I am having a hard time sleeping, I also feel pain in my stomach when I think about this

I am really scared and need help

[tru]

disregard the last post by me, I made before I saw the response

 

 

-Thank you so much for the advice, I had never looked at the situation from that perspective but it does make a lot of sense. I keep feeling the need to contact her and spill my heart to her while that will just drive her away.

As hard as it will be I will try my hardest to let go in a sense and try to be myself so she can see me as the person she fell in love with, and not a pathetic, destroyed person.

 

I will try my best to utilize this advice as it sounds like it leaves me the best chance of getting her back in the end. I am just so scared of loosing her that i dont even know how to deal with myself. But I will fight through the pain and go on with my life as a stronger person because of this, learning from my mistakes and ready for whatever the future holds for us.

 

Thanks so much for your thought out advice, I really appreciate it and will try my hardest to implement your suggestions

[UT_longhorn]

tru,

 

i went through the same. i think everyone does. the no sleeping. the not eating. the constant memories flashing through the head. all the questions of "what ifs".

 

i purchased some sleeping pills to help me go to sleep. if you feel comfortable with them, you should use it. i had the most vivid deams about her for the first weeks. i would wake up and she would be in my dreams. i lost weight due to the not eating. (this might be a good thing for some people )

 

i honestly think that was one of the worst times of my life. although im still going through it, the pain is definately not as sharp. the only advice i can give you is go NC, and tough through it man. its gonna be rough but dont try to fight the emotions. i think its healthy to let it out and really just feeling it.

[Jey Dey Dey]

It's hard having dreams of the one you love, it brings it all back because it feels so real. Than you wake up and feel like ****, like grabbing the phone and giving them a call. Don't. I have learned this the hard way. I printed the last five paragraphs and I keep it by my bed. Whenever I get the urge to call him or I come home from a night of drinking/partying and all I want to do is call him and tell him what a great time I had, I reread it.

 

I wish I would have thought about it this way instead of crying, begging, yelling, and telling him I only wanted him. This only assured him that I would be here when/if he decides to come back. Don't make the same mistake. Stay away and have your space. It's hard and it hurts but take it like a challenge, fight it.