Mixed Signals

[AltplanB]

My ex left me last late last October and put me through hell as i did not take the breakup well. She was my first love and i would of done anything for her. She is bi-polar and has bulimia and such making her have problems with intimacy. Another problem is that she recognizes this problem and doesn't think its fair to me to put me through that again. I say that because we have been hanging out again going out to movies and dinner and laughing but it ends with nothing more than maybe cuddling or something. We kissed when we were drunk once but she tells me she was really out of it then.

 

Because i was tired of being on ice, and since she is dating this other guy that she tells me will go no where but she still is going to because she enjoys dating, i asked her straight up what she was doing hanging out with me and what her intentions were. This was a mistake as she said she was still confused and she as we are driving home for me to drop her off, she tells me that we shouldn't get back together because she doesn't want to hurt me again all of a sudden if her feelings change. I don't know if this is true and she tells me that she knows she is really ****ed up and that i am really normal and she doesn't want to mess with that. Well she ended up crying a little bit and then we said goodnight but i sent her a text saying i was sorry i brought that up and that if she wanted to continue seeing each other, to call me. She called me that night and acted like nothing happened.

 

Ive pretty much gotten from her that she wants to be friends but she still has feelings for me but she doesn't want to hurt me again if someone she really likes comes along. I know it is stupid of me to hang around for this kind of bull****...aka the scraps...especially when i have other girls interested. But then again she was my first love and she does have some feelings for me and i would like to see where if i could build upon them and overcome her fear of hurting me again. Right now i am waiting for her call to hang out again and i know it will come. Although i have many concerns, i know that she misses being close to someone and especially me. I also know that she has a great support system from the freinds that used to be mine. Although she got into a relationship immediately after me (which really hurt me) they broke it off when he went back to his ex.

Right now she tells me two things: she wants to be close to someone, but she's really confused and doesn't want to hurt anyone...

Im at a lose and have many considerations to take into effect. First were both 21. Second, she will be transfering to my school next year, not because of me, because she hates the school shes at now. Three, We lived together, and the guy she dated after me was just a rebound and she tells me that she is not sleeping with anyone and will not for a while. Four, she realizes she needs to get her head on straight and deal with some issues in her life before she is ready to get into a relationship but she is still dating for some reason.

 

Anyways, What is your analysis of the situation?

[pippen_2k]

Everything she is telling you is just BS.

 

She is just playin you for a fool ( probably not on purpose ) and dosent have the confidence to break the bad news to you upfront.

 

You are making the perfect backup Boyfriend tho. Whilst she is out there dating and screweing this other dude, you are at home waiting for her call to go hangout.

 

She is in dream land.

 

Its up to you to get out of this ****ty situation.

[Yamaha]

Dating without involvement is easy. She can date someone with whom she just enjoys their company because there is no commitment. With you, it sounds like you are wanting more and she is not ready or is unwilling to get into a more serious relationship.

She did the right thing in telling you that she doesn't want to hurt you or lead you on. You need to take her advice and date someone that is looking for the same things as you. I don't see any real mixed signals here except you are still hoping she will change her mind.

 

My advice is to date others. She may never come around and hanging on is just hurting you. If she decides she wants more with you then you can decide if you want to continue but for now you need to stay away from her and live your life.

[LN8840K]

what yamaha said

[skeptik224]

My situation is similar. My ex left because she wasn't ready for a serious committed relationship. She had just come out of 2 consecutive 8+ year relationships and needed to figure out who she was. She didn't want to risk losing "us" but needed to take care of her. For the past 3+ months, we've gone back/forth...Our last talk about "us" was about 3 weeks ago. We decided we were going to take it slow...very slow. She came by that night and we ended up kissing. It scared her all over again! She raen away - again. She's dating around but has told me and others that she just can't commit emotionally to anyone or anything - she even got rid of her dog. Anyway, we e-mailed this past Monday, and it was a mistake on my part. She needs to get her crap together - PERIOD. She's in therapy and doing what she needs to do. She knows (like your ex knows) that we are phenominal people - we are the ones that are lifetime partners. In days, months, years - whatever it is - somewhere down the line they will know that we were the ones that they let slip away but shouldn't have. My ex wants to be friends but until I can get over this - or until she works through her issues - friendship isn't possible right now. Like Yamaha said, dating without involvement is easy - especially when someone isn't emotionally available.

[AltplanB]

should i date others but keep contact with her? I don't want to slip away fully as she has expressed feelings for me but no committment. I also believe that she is the type to think about reconcilation through working things out not through NC. I tried that and she only took it as i was over her. I don't know.

[skeptik224]

Date other people if you feel ready. If you aren't ready, all you'll do is bring some innocent person into the mix. NC is something that only you can decide if it's right for you. You're situation isn't like most - like mine. I wasn't NC and now I am. It all depends on what you think will work best for you. She isn't emotionally available - period. I'd almost be willing to bet that she's pushing you away for a reason. She's going to date around to see what's out there, but in the long run...she'll never forget you...even if you have NC for awhile. I'm not saying never talk to her again, but give yourself some time to heal - and her to deal with her unavailability.

[AltplanB]

shes seems addimant to keep contact and we have great conversations but i dont know what shes thinking other than i know shes confused. Her only reason for not getting back with me is because she doesn't want to hurt me if her feelings change again. She says they are there but that she doesn't think its fair to me. I dunno, maybe too much damage has already been done.

[gordon_gc]

I think she is leading you on... I can easily see the same patterns with my exgf. Whether she doesnt want to be the bad person and that is why she keeps "confusing" u. Some people cannot stand having the mean role and I think she is one of them.

One of the other solutions is that she still like you and is actually confused but then again, keeping in touch will not sort out anything. She needs to realise she needs and wants you.

 

The only way you will be able to get a positive results is by starting NC and sticking to it. If you think about it, you staying around or in touch with her will only make her think she has you as a back-up while she is enjoying her time. By staying in touch with her, you rise your potential to do more damage by saying or doing things that shouldnt be said or done.

 

If that can make you feel more comfortable, before starting NC, you can tell her you still have strong feeling for her but that right now, you need to focus on yourself for a bit but that you will be more than happy to talk again when she will have understood herself better and will be ready to talk.

 

During NC, try to live your life for a bit...I found a really good solution is to try to interact with someone new everyday (girl or guy)...speak, force yourself to be social, gain back your confidence and prove to yourself there are other people who deserve to be appreciated as much as you wanna appreciate your ex.

 

For instance, in my case, I recently sent flowers to my ex. It was a nice intention and I have nothing to regret but even though she probably liked them and thanked me, she didnt appreciated them as much as someone else, someone new. What I am trying to say is focus on yourself or focus on someone who is worth focusing on.

 

at the end of the road, your ex might come back or not but at least, these days of YOUR ONE AND ONLY LIFE will not be wasted.

 

I don't have all the answers but that's my vision !

[J dub]

Alt, I dont know how to say this except:

 

 

She is not commiting to you because she doesnt want to. she is not confused, she KNOWS she doesnt want to but doesnt want to allow for you to hate her and then her feel guilty so she's playing innocent and saying she's confused. Believe me, when someone else comes along, she suddenly wont be confused anymore, she'll be committed to them.

 

If you stick around, nothing is going to change. She is not going to suddenly "realize" she should be with just you because there's nothing forcing her to make a decision. Think about it...she has you as a back up (emotionally more than anything else) so that if she is out on the town but doesnt find anyone...well she can settle for you for now.

 

Its only a matter of time before she meets someone else and you are right back where you were a month ago. Breaking off contact is the only way you are going to get over her, otherwise youre constantly going to be looking for signals or signs that shes wants to come back. She's not going to, I'm afraid, otherwise she would be right now.

 

I know you want to argue that she loves you and you guys mesh well, that you helped her thru some hard times but inevitably that only means youre a good friend to her. And it means you can be a good friend later once youre over her and happy again. You will run into her somehow in the future, it always happens. Today I had a message on myspace from my ex boyfriend of 5 yrs ago I never thought I'd hear from again. Ta-da! Surprise surprise, you probably also never thought she'd leave you, right? dont underestimate yourself.

 

You deserve so much better and you know it. Why are you being a doormat? Do you think that low of yourself that you'll stoop to any crumbs of attention she'll throw at you? I'm telling you from experience, she is not going to respect you for that. You are the classic spineless man right now. I'm sorry, and you'll probably let this in one ear and out the other which is unfortunate because youre already wasting your precious youth on someone who doesnt see you worthy of their time as a romantic, committed relationship.

[gordon_gc]

Breaking off contact is the only way you are going to get over her, otherwise youre constantly going to be looking for signals or signs that shes wants to come back. She's not going to, I'm afraid, otherwise she would be right now.

 

In this case, would you at least tell her to f... off or just leave it with no contact ??? What do you reckon ?

I mean it's gone and lost so at least, better trying to go away from the situation head high....

[AltplanB]

funny how i just realized that she keeps saying the exact same **** that i used to say to a girl that i had no intention of getting back together with. She hasn't responded to my messages in two days so thats a good sign that she does want anything from me. I guess being really nice was too obvious and i was unable to win her back, only make her appreciate me less. You women say you want a strong confident man but then you also dont like it when they tell you what to do. You want them to be in control? or is this just a means to attraction that must die for the sake of the relationship.

 

If you really think going back to NC is the best option then fine, i will. I would like to know what everyones definition of reduced contact is and whether they feel it could pertain to my situation.

[AltplanB]

she and i haven't had contact in 3 days...I guess its back to NC. Should i check the waters with a little, "do you still want to do that hike?" or should i just let it go all together?

[skeptik224]

Atplan - You are going to get a ton of different points of view. She may or may not be playing games - she may or may not be doing it intentionally. She may very well be as confused as you are about her feelings. The bottom line is only time will tell. Don't go into NC because people on LS tell you to. That's there opinion. Check out Salmagundi's posts. He's in a similar situation - with some great insight. I'm in a similar place, too, but not as positive as Sal. Each situation is different because the people we are involved with are different. You don't need to beg for her - no man or woman is worth begging. Your self-esteem is worth way more than that. I wouldn't ask her about the hike. I'd give yourself some space to deal with your emotions and give her space to figure out what she wants. It's a crazy emotional roller coaster, and at some point, someone is going to have to get off the ride. You've reached out to her plenty. It's her turn to come around a little.

[gordon_gc]

Skept is right...every situation is different...simply because the people we interact with are different. I reckon emotions are pretty similar (anger, sadness, frustrations, ect...ect...) but you are the only judge of the actions to be taken.

 

Compare to Sal or Skept, my situation is different and keeping contacts with her had made things worst...I should have backed off from the beginning !

 

According to me, you should give yourself the space and time you need...not giving her the space and time she wants !!! In another, don't wait for her to sort out her issues, focus on sorting out your life. Make your life better, do things you always wanted to do...improve yourself.

 

NC is hard but it gets better with time. I am experiencing it now. If you ever start thinking about you and her, the good memories, ect... just STOP, calm down and start thinking about something random (football game, what you have to do, etc...). Also, you will find hard to go through NC if you keep talking about her with your friends. Yes, you will think about her and these thoughts will hunt you but try not to talk about it for a day or 2, dont cite her name AT ALL. I know you are looking for answers but with time, you will realise you might actually be asking the wrong questions. You know you are suffering, are you sure she is ??? Put that in your head, think she is fine. It will hurt, you might develop anger but don't worry, that's normal.

 

I don't think you should initiate contact, you have done the best you could. About that hike, NO, DONT ASK. You want it, she want it but maybe not right now and you have to accept that. When she will want to meet up, she will let you know.

 

In Sal's experience, his girl was confused but she still initiated some of the contacts (she seems more mature). My exgf is immature and I think yours might be the same.

[salmagundi]

hey gordon,

 

I got an idea, why don't you, me and skeptik all just swap ex's. That way they'd all get somebody new and we'd all have the same damn thing... Its too weird. I know that I have never ambiguiously broken up with anyone in my life. If I dump you, you'll probably never see me again. Which sounds bad, but actually makes me the nicest guy alive. Here I'm seeing a pattern of women who don't want to be with their men, but once they break up, dont want to leave them be either. I don't get it. Dont they know that by hanging around giving mixed signals and playing back and forth and occasionally having sex with us and then disappearing again that they're just putting our heads through the wringer?

 

Anyway Gord, no contact is the only way. But for me it was only half the answer. I made my ex intitiate all the contact and gave her lots of space. This definitely helped to bring her back into my orbit. Now all I wish I'd done is start dating other people. Because even if I wasnt intiating contact, I was still 'available' when she contacted me. Listen to what Jdub says, NC alone wont do it. It will make them miss you and think they want you back. But they wont actually take you back unless they think they will lose you forever.

 

But you shouldn't wait. Of the three of us, my situation is maybe the most positive (not because my ex is more mature than yours by the way. At 28 she has the emotional maturity of a 20 year old) But I'm still not there yet and we're still playing games and worst of all, while we love each other in some strange, strange way, this time around we dont have the strong infatuation of the newly in love working for us. So some of the magic is missing from our interactions. I think that is a problem with second chances, that you might really be trying to recapture the lost magic of your mutual infatuation rather than wanting seriously to rebuild a new relation. Love might be forever but two people, I believe, only get one chance at infatuation.

 

anyway,

 

salmagundi

[skeptik224]

Swapping sounds like a good idea...I'd love to smack both of your ex's with a stupid stick for letting you guys go....and I'd LOVE someone to smack my ex with the stick. My ex is 36 but emotionally/mentally, at least at the time of break-up, is about the age of 21.

[gordon_gc]

Alright, so obviously, age is not the main factor !!! Mine is 26.

Maybe they simply need to get treated like **** to understand there are not many genuine guys around !!!

 

I know mine found a new guy which is weird considering she needed independance. That hurts because I seriously do not recognize the girl I used to be with but ay, at the end of the day, I know I have done everything I needed to do. I always respected her (I don't anymore which is porbably I do NC too) and did everything I could to make her happy...not enough obviously.

 

Today, NC is hard...simply because I had a bloody dream last night about her and her brother, it brought good memories !

 

Will try to go through that day...PEACE !

[AltplanB]

So before i was able to read what you guys posted i texted the proposition about the hike. I got no answer so i called that night and left a message that I wanted to know if she wanted to continue hangin out or if we were going back to no contact. I got a phone call early the next morning from her telling me she wasn't able to call me back because of her cell minutes and then she forgot (aka bs) and that she was sorry but she couldn't go on the hike but she will talk to me really soon and that she thinks im wonderful and so on.

I think she has pretty much written me off. I handled the breakup badly and it showed a very unattractive side to her that i didn't wasn't able to play off. The reason it was so hard was because i had just lost my sport due to injury and I had just come off steroids (dont worry im not violent). At the end of the cycle, you are depressed and emotionally vulnerable. The breakup hit me hard and i lost 20 pounds of muscle i spent 2 years trying to gain. Anyways, if i had not shown such emotion i now know that she would of rethought her decision. Personally, i am still attached to her but i can't figure out why, even after she has been in a relationship with someone else that she started getting emotions for. They broke up when he went back to his ex and she started wondering if she should come back to me which is when we started talking again. But after 2 weeks of hanging out and she keeping me on ice, i asked whether she wanted to try again and i got the, "i don't want to hurt you again. I have feelings for you but im really ****ed up right now and your so normal i don't wanna mess with that."

She is bulimic and has many emotional issues that i had really not a very big problem dealing with. The only thing i had an issue with is her just dropping me because she lost her feelings for me. That and the lying. I think she has lied to me a lot and that really bothers me because she doesn't mean it but it becomes obvious later on when she doesn't act upon what she is saying.

Overall i think i am clinging to her because my support system fell apart during the break up. That and i was coming off the roids. i think its funny that i can have these problems at 21..

[CaliGuy]

Alt my ex is like yours. Not bullemic but a liar and I did the same thing you did, I clung hard and fell just as hard.

 

The only thing you, me or anyone else in our position can do is stick to NC, let time heal our wounds and work on our own personal demons we have to slay. The only thing we can control is ourselves, you have no power over the Ex (nor does any dumpee, I'm right with you).

 

I'm still disappointed for you ditching the other girl in Vegas. You never know where that might have lead, but you let your Ex control you then. Realize it, learn from it and don't let it happen again!

[AltplanB]

girl in vegas was another ex of mine that i treat like my current ex treats me...i know you all hate me but its karma and dont worry this girl doesn't have feelings for me she just wants sex...which is awesome...

 

i dont sleep with my current ex though. I just decided to go to Nc until she contacts me. Even then i dont know if i ever want to talk to her again.

[AltplanB]

NC is hard, even this late in the game. She isn't contacting me which is something i was hoping would be the eventuality of this. I guess she really doesn't care. I know she thinks of me, but i also know she thinks of me in a different light because of how i handled the breakup. Its hard but i am trying to move on. Since the breakup ive lost 20 pounds, started losin hair, and have like no sexual drive. Im a wreak. All i do is work out and only eat twice a day.

 

I realize that love is something not to take for granted. Even if you are in love, remember that it can still be affected by things. It is not something that outlasts everything, although it still may be felt at times. The funny thing is that we all know this kind of pain can be felt, we just never really think about it happening to us. I wonder if it is better to fall in love a second time; when you are more capable and knowing.

[CaliGuy]

Alt, your situation is a lot like mine. In both cases we did not take things slow enough. We let our hearts take control and in the process we made many mistakes.

 

Learn from these mistakes. Dude you are young and have plenty of time to find someone. I'm in my mid 30s and starting to wonder if I will ever find someone that I will have chemistry with and love as much as I love my ex. Maybe never, maybe soon? Who knows.

 

All I do know is that each failed relationship should be looked upon as a lesson. You gained some very valuable insight into what you should be looking for in a woman. You know you can't be an enabler, you can't rescue someone and there's more to looks alone.

 

Women like your ex can't have a healthy relationship with anyone. Neither can my ex. But I've learned what I will accept and not accept behavioral wise anymore. I have learned to listen to my gut as much as I listen to my heart. I've learned that love is a two way street and anytime one person is giving more than another, that's a big warning sign to back off.

 

Learn, learn, learn from this experince. Don't focus on the past because you can do nothing to change it. Focus only on what you have learned and what you can do to improve yourself.

 

Eat, workout, hit the books, hang out with friends and above all LET GO of what happened. Hanging on to regret or being bitter will stop you from growing as a person, learning from your mistakes and will never allow you to be attractive to someone else.

 

Let it go, forget about her, focus on your needs and move on.

[AltplanB]

Your blunt advice was just what i needed. I basically just come back on here when i start to weaken (like every other day) so that i can remember why i need to adhear to this path.