is he pushing me away intentionally

[whichwayisup]

I'm so MAD on your behalf. Print out this thread and give it to him to read. Maybe reading what people write COULD open his eyes, enough so he'll see what his actions and behaviour are really doing to you and the relationship!

 

I know this isn't going to be easy but something does have to happen. This isn't happening overnight, but slowly build up your strength and deal with one thing at a time. Talk to afew friends about this too. Maybe even talk to a lawyer, just so you know what your options are legally. (Just incase.)

 

And, I understand about the wedding thing. Unless you're completely comfy and confident going on your own it IS hard to show up to a function where EVERYBODY is a couple, or paired off.

 

You're welcome and keep on venting, get it out.

[seeking_a_life]

I'm so MAD on your behalf. Print out this thread and give it to him to read. Maybe reading what people write COULD open his eyes, enough so he'll see what his actions and behaviour are really doing to you and the relationship!.

 

he began reading before this post showed up. he was still reading it as i started to type this [note that it was by NO means a thorough reading]. he says i am feeding a bunch of bull and he is pissed that i revealed his private information on the internet abt his ailments. the fact that i am an anoymous person that has used no names doesn't seem to be a valid form of maintaining privacy for him. evidently i should not have had the gall to mention it at all. if this is true i apologize. i mentioned it because i made a concious committment at 33 years old to be with this guy knowing he had those ailments and to me it is a constant and consistent factor because i do care.

 

as for what others wrote he is pissed about that too. he is saying as i type this that i am the one that makes him sick. he means very adamantly that i have caused him to become sicker because i don't respect the things he needs to do for his illness because i am too busy forcing him to attend weddings or tending too much to my mom (who went into the hospital the weekend after xmas) and my friends who call me nightly to say hello. and that my "lies" and "one-sided'ness" have thrown him over the edge and he's "tired of my bull**** and "doesn't need me for jack****" and i can f-off cuz he can go to [another state]and live a totally healthy life without me.

 

he is posting his side of the story now.

 

he's got the right to do that and i do apologize if somehow i did something wrong in this. i feel he will not let me live this down because in his opinion i have disrespected him by anonymously venting my feelings and fears.

[cygny]

No he doesn't take even a smidgeon of responsiblity. in fact that is the basis for 98% of our demise. i have even said (as an example), "look, i'm sorry i [screamed, cried, expected ____ , forgot____, called you _____, etc] but it does take 2, and it's not fair you blame me for all of it" most of my "berating" is that he could JUST take his 50% and stop blaming me.

 

anyway, i am hearing what you guys are saying but is just hurting so much still.

i am going to have to sit there and write the apartment termination, and make all the arrangements for us to end this home. it's alot. the denial is so much easier sometimes. i wanted us to work. i believe in him in the beginning. i believed in US.

 

and btw, he is now asleep, but about 10 minutes ago he came hovering over my shoulder and making fun of me for being on this site. and he said, "ugh, loveshack....shouldnt you be typing the letter to [management company]?"

 

i mean is that what i need to do everyone? just DO IT? meaning right this minute, write the 30 day notice, terminate our living together and terminate it all?

 

 

No matter who started it or even whose fault it is, your relationship with him is toxic to you both. It is difficult to end I know but I have done it (a marriage that I had invested years into) and so have most of the people on this site. You can do it too.

 

Yes you have it right at some point you just type up the notice and start doing the practical steps to end it.There is no 'right time', there is no 'closure'. You just go throught the motions, a little numb, bit by bit, step by step, and eventually the process is over. It is much easier for you that there is no legal situation to resolve. You will come to a place that at least is peaceful. You will hurt but at least the constant stress of fighting and the wounds of cruelty will cease. Then you can begin to heal.

 

You are still young at 38. Seize the day and don't waste a minute more of your youth on this relationship because it will surely make you feel and look older than you really are. Once you have cut free you can start doing the things you need to do for yourself again--to look and feel great and attract other men. Trust me now is better than later.

[Kimbles]

I am not sure if this will help, but ask yourself if you are "loving " or "caretaking"?

What about your behavior are you unhappy with? Can you list a few ways to change your behavior that would help you respect yourself more as a partner in this relationship instead of playing the victim role?

It seems like he is abusing the situation, but the main concern for me as a recovering addict is "why am I reacting to it" and HOW am ai reacting to it?

 

Focus on the relationship as it is NOW and not when you started out. NOW is your reality.

 

Love

 

KIM

[cygny]

he began reading before this post showed up. he was still reading it as i started to type this [note that it was by NO means a thorough reading]. he says i am feeding a bunch of bull and he is pissed that i revealed his private information on the internet abt his ailments. the fact that i am an anoymous person that has used no names doesn't seem to be a valid form of maintaining privacy for him. evidently i should not have had the gall to mention it at all. if this is true i apologize. i mentioned it because i made a concious committment at 33 years old to be with this guy knowing he had those ailments and to me it is a constant and consistent factor because i do care.

 

as for what others wrote he is pissed about that too. he is saying as i type this that i am the one that makes him sick. he means very adamantly that i have caused him to become sicker because i don't respect the things he needs to do for his illness because i am too busy forcing him to attend weddings or tending too much to my mom (who went into the hospital the weekend after xmas) and my friends who call me nightly to say hello. and that my "lies" and "one-sided'ness" have thrown him over the edge and he's "tired of my bull**** and "doesn't need me for jack****" and i can f-off cuz he can go to [another state]and live a totally healthy life without me.

 

he is posting his side of the story now.

 

he's got the right to do that and i do apologize if somehow i did something wrong in this. i feel he will not let me live this down because in his opinion i have disrespected him by anonymously venting my feelings and fears.

 

If you are making him sicker then it is doing him a favor to get out of his life. He is a big boy and can take care of himself and WILL I am sure.

 

Stop apologizing for yourself. You have a right to live too. Nobody is perfect and the issue here is not who is at fault but the simple fact that you two are bad for each other.

[Kimbles]

It is important to keep in mind that in relationships it is all about US and not the other person ..how we respond or react is about us.

 

I have a question for you to ask yourself, it might help, I am not sure:

 

How much more does your partner have to abuse you, for it to be unnacapetable to you?

 

With love

 

KIM

[Anger_magnet]

I have been watching my girlfriend write up these posts and am very sad that she "still" see things her way and only her way and I seeking out advice based only on one half of the story. so if you guys are interested I would like to add my half or opinons to the thread so that there is a better understanding of the situation from my view.

 

For starters I would like to mention how we wound up moving in together in the first place. I was going through a sepperation and divorce from my ex wife... who'm for all intents and porposes we had grown apart and did not wish to continue being married but not angry or violent we did not have a verbally abusive realationship period.

 

I left the marriage to move in with seeking_a_life but before we moved in together we had many many disscussions about living together and what we wanted for ourselfs and the future it was very exciting to me to be moving on with my life and I was very excited to be moving on with my life and starting over "I thought I found Paradise" a few of the things we discussed where "PRIVACY" I am a very private person and have led a very outgoing life in the past I explained to her the fact that I wanted to have alot of privacy due to the fact that I am very ill "As you all know now since she revealed my deepest and most intimate medical information here on this internet board"

 

Many Many of the things that she talks about here where discussed many times before we ever moved in together. privacy, peace and quiet, low stress the doctors told me I needed all those things becuse as they said stress will cause major problems for me health wise.

 

So we move in together whats the first thing she does she goes into a hysterical fit beyond any thing I have ever seen out of a woman over a deal that I was involved in to make "OUR" first three thousand dollars becuase of jealousy she pysically fought with me screamed at me every foul thing I could ever imagine that anyone could come up with and then for the grand final`e took a freaking butcher knife and pounded it against her head ... scaring the living hell out of me and forcing me to call the ambulance and this is only "day 5 of living together" the police came with the medics and put me in a felony arrest position in our new courtyard humilitating and ruining what i thought would be our new "Dream dwelling together" ...

 

I followed the police once they determined that I had not hit her or did anyting to her other than her own stupid jealous rage. to the hospital I will

NOT go into any further details about it out of respect for her medical privacy ... unlike what was given to me here on this board.

 

So lets fast forward to aproxamatly 2 weeks after that event she continually keep being angry with me and screaming and yelling unlike anything I have ever seen in my ENTIRE LIFE.. she attacked me in the kitchen area pyshically scratching and hitting me and I tried to force my way out of a corner and it knocked her over and she hit her head and I again had to call the medics and police again this time it seemed like it was only a matter of time before "I would be responsable for her anger" this was all surrounding a website that I was going to create for another "WOMAN" for "US" I figured we needed to come up with as much money as possible as fast as posible and this deal came to me but these events I realized that I would only be able to make money when and how and with who she wanted based on her anger and insecurity. so thats the first two weeks together now I will reply to her posts thoughts and let you all see how I feel about it.

 

He is severely diabetic and has no money to switch to an insulin pump, in addition to the diabetes, he has Hep C as a probably result of blood transfusion in 1987.

 

Well yeah "NO MONEY" well thats becuse I am terrifed of another deal/person that will set off an pyshical attack, her own self mutilation, or some other catastrohpy I have to constantly make sure nothing I will say or do or she will precive will cause this again. secondly my privacy sheesh talking about this on internet boards really explains what I am talking about am a very private person and she does not understand the conspet of it. Additionally she has screamed out intimate details of my medical personal and sex life to the point of every neighbor complianing about it and almost getting us both kicked out when doing this and being asked to stop screaming she says "I DONT CARE"

 

he says “why should I work for YOU?” or “I’ll NEVER work for YOU” or “”you make me miserable, I have no drive to work for You”

 

This is my way of saying I am terrified of what you will do if she precives that things are not going her way or some other paranoid delusion. and I never know when its coming often I wonder "will she get the knife again tonight? will she kill me?"

 

“OMG- you are OBSESSED”

 

This is another thing I rarely altho not completly guilt free from calling names ... usally I try and reason or ignore or delay her anger with out calling any names she calls this "BEING COLD" but really I am afraid of what she mite do. At one point I had a list of over 75 vulgar names that she called me on a day to day hour to hour basis. some of them are really off base and have nothing to do with any conversation they are more or less stabs at me personally.

 

The thing is, he is the one that says I am abusive to him. I will be honest. I DO get more physical (while he rarely does not), I have a history of being in previously sort of violent relationships (where usually my friends insisted I was the “victim”)

 

This is misleding she is pyshically and verbally abusive to me constantly and takes my being reservered and non reactionary as "BEING COLD" acctually I am afraid of doing or saying anything more to set her off so I try and keep my mouth shut.

 

If I ask him what time his insulin shot is, he bites my head off for not knowing and I will never respect that he needs to take his shot at a certain time. If I try to remind him it's time for him to take his shot or ask him what time he needs to wake up he says I am obsessed. Why is he screwing with my head like this???

 

I am understand that taking care of myself is ENTIRELY my responsabitly I do not need any help in this reguard mostly the problems arise from her constant delaying missing times realated to dinner times and who is cooking she insists to the point of violence that the kitchen is her area and will not allow me to have any freedom to the point of several months of being told that I am classless tasteless ... uneducated and I dont know good food when am eating it... for this reason I have given up on the kitchen, shot times and meals are all based on her convieniance and or social calender to the point of which I have suffered greatly health wise.

 

Bottom line is I am finacially stuck here we moved in together to start either a business together and she made sure that I cant do anything with out fear of reprisales from her if she doest like it. So I cant find away out on my own......

 

At this point in time I am leaving it up to her to make a desision about her happyness and either stop the violence, name calling and physical abuse but the amount of the problems appear to be insurmountable considering the mill we have been through .. I do truley love her but find that we can not live together so am just waiting for her to get tired and end it becuse I am afraid of what she mite do if I leave her....

 

 

Any ideas or suggestions ?????

[seeking_a_life]

If you are making him sicker then it is doing him a favor to get out of his life. He is a big boy and can take care of himself and WILL I am sure.

 

Stop apologizing for yourself. You have a right to live too. Nobody is perfect and the issue here is not who is at fault but the simple fact that you two are bad for each other.

cygny-he's writing his own story. you guys can judge. but i can say this. it hurts where he stands in his beliefs about me. he still to this day won't let me live stuff down that has happend years ago. but he stayed with me for another 2 years, living off me and claims he only sticks around me because he is financially stuck. so i guess everyone (including him) is right. its the fact that i take it that is putting me here.

 

it just hurts that what i decided to be my soul mate at a pretty adult age was still a stupid childish dream and that still our love turned out "toxic" it hurts alot.

[cygny]

cygny-he's writing his own story. you guys can judge. but i can say this. it hurts where he stands in his beliefs about me. he still to this day won't let me live stuff down that has happend years ago. but he stayed with me for another 2 years, living off me and claims he only sticks around me because he is financially stuck. so i guess everyone (including him) is right. its the fact that i take it that is putting me here.

 

it just hurts that what i decided to be my soul mate at a pretty adult age was still a stupid childish dream and that still our love turned out "toxic" it hurts alot.

 

 

Yes hon I know it hurts give yourself a big hug for me. I do know it hurts, I have been there too.

[cygny]

Anger Magnet--

 

She seems to be staying with you out of a combination of guilt and the residual bonds of caring. But clearly this is doing you no good either. It appears to me that your relationship is too polarised--you are waging war and destroying each other--I have been in your place and it's really best to go your separate ways. It doesn't even matter who started what and who is to blame. It's an unhealthy situation to be in for both of you. If you don't split up immediately then the only alternative is counselling or you will literally destroy each other.

 

I hope you can both see that and I wish you the best.

[cygny]

seeking--i think you have your answer to your original question at the bottom of anger magnet's post. He's just waiting for you to end it, so I guess that is what you need to do. I'm sorry hon.

[Anger_magnet]

Cyngy-

She seems to be staying with you out of a combination of guilt and the residual bonds of caring.

 

She is not staying with me infact she is trying to force me out after I gave up everything to come here and start over... "ALL" of her actions have been actions as I posted that would cause enough discomfort to make me want to leave .. and if it wasnt for the fact that I cant make money without her interferance I would have just called it a waste and moved on.. the fact is I am stuck here and will not just move on .. this was supposed to be my dream dwelling also.. even tho I have to walk around with my head down because everyone in the building knows all about my many many faults.

 

She is intentionally making it a living hell so that I will leave plain and simple ..... Do you think she just wants to keep this place if she does she can have it but I cant see myself turning in a vacate notice with nowhere to go and no meds or anything what do you think I can do?

[cygny]

Cyngy-

She seems to be staying with you out of a combination of guilt and the residual bonds of caring.

 

She is not staying with me infact she is trying to force me out after I gave up everything to come here and start over... "ALL" of her actions have been actions as I posted that would cause enough discomfort to make me want to leave .. and if it wasnt for the fact that I cant make money without her interferance I would have just called it a waste and moved on.. the fact is I am stuck here and will not just move on .. this was supposed to be my dream dwelling also.. even tho I have to walk around with my head down because everyone in the building knows all about my many many faults.

 

She is intentionally making it a living hell so that I will leave plain and simple ..... Do you think she just wants to keep this place if she does she can have it but I cant see myself turning in a vacate notice with nowhere to go and no meds or anything what do you think I can do?

 

sometimes we have to do stuff to save ourselves. neither of you is stuck there. it's not a time to stand on ego or weakness. so suck it up. it will be hard for both of you but you will get through it.

[Anger_magnet]

the intention is that I will leave behind my apt? nothing to do with ego... also I have no place to go or way to get there thanks for your compassionate response but I dont think you really understand what I have been through please re-read my post and come back with some compassion for my position keep in mind that I have not been verbally or physically abusive to this person (unlike many other men in her life) but have been nothing more that a whipping post.

 

I am writing this post to gain some healing so far cyg you havent offered much in the way for my healing how consider how you would take your own advice?

[seeking_a_life]

For starters I would like to mention how we wound up moving in together in the first place. I was going through a sepperation and divorce from my ex wife... who'm for all intents and porposes we had grown apart and did not wish to continue being married but not angry or violent we did not have a verbally abusive realationship period.

Untrue-but he validates her anger to this day because 1) she was his wife and the mother of his child 2) because now he has me to project all his anger and angst and blame upon.

 

their entire relationship she would call him to their kid's face "a deadbeat dad"

also she took kick boxing and used the moves on him to the point where he couldn't breath from a kick in the gut. something i have not done. i admit to getting physical in a girly way. i understand this is no excuse and i am definately a rageholic but i do make active and legitimate efforts to manage it and have willingly and on my own sought anger management for women and would continue to go forever, IF he actually made equal effort to participate in the healing techniques. but he continues to push buttons and test instead.

 

I left the marriage to move in with seeking_a_life but before we moved in together we had many many disscussions about living together and what we wanted for ourselfs and the future it was very exciting to me to be moving on with my life and I was very excited to be moving on with my life and starting over "I thought I found Paradise"

 

in my eyes, he did not ever intend to make me a priority until she dumped him. so essentially i have felt used from the start. i never wanted to be "another woman" for 2 years before he moved in he strung me along as the "other woman" you at loveshack are well aware of what other women go through. even when he moved in here i wasn't able to express my emotions about it where he validated them. had he ever reached the point where he said "i'm sorry i put you through it. we're together now. it must have hurt and been lonely. i know it was a hard time for you" omg. had he ever acknowledged the pain none of my distrust would have grown.

 

other things he still invalidates to this day:

 

• he would slip and call me his wife's name repeatedly
  
• he still puts me down and glorifies her when we have arguments
  
• he makes me feel like a "bunny boiliing" person - like fatat attraction that movie when he is on a rampage against me.
  

I have been watching my girlfriend write up these posts and am very sad that she "still" see things her way and only her way and I seeking out advice based only on one half of the story. so if you guys are interested I would like to add my half or opinons to the thread so that there is a better understanding of the situation from my view.

 

For starters I would like to mention how we wound up moving in together in the first place. I was going through a sepperation and divorce from my ex wife... who'm for all intents and porposes we had grown apart and did not wish to continue being married but not angry or violent we did not have a verbally abusive realationship period.

 

I left the marriage to move in with seeking_a_life but before we moved in together we had many many disscussions about living together and what we wanted for ourselfs and the future it was very exciting to me to be moving on with my life and I was very excited to be moving on with my life and starting over "I thought I found Paradise" a few of the things we discussed where "PRIVACY" I am a very private person and have led a very outgoing life in the past I explained to her the fact that I wanted to have alot of privacy due to the fact that I am very ill "As you all know now since she revealed my deepest and most intimate medical information here on this internet board"

 

Many Many of the things that she talks about here where discussed many times before we ever moved in together. privacy, peace and quiet, low stress the doctors told me I needed all those things becuse as they said stress will cause major problems for me health wise.

 

So we move in together whats the first thing she does she goes into a hysterical fit beyond any thing I have ever seen out of a woman over a deal that I was involved in to make "OUR" first three thousand dollars becuase of jealousy she pysically fought with me screamed at me every foul thing I could ever imagine that anyone could come up with and then for the grand final`e took a freaking butcher knife and pounded it against her head ... scaring the living hell out of me and forcing me to call the ambulance and this is only "day 5 of living together" the police came with the medics and put me in a felony arrest position in our new courtyard humilitating and ruining what i thought would be our new "Dream dwelling together" ...

 

I followed the police once they determined that I had not hit her or did anyting to her other than her own stupid jealous rage. to the hospital I will

NOT go into any further details about it out of respect for her medical privacy ... unlike what was given to me here on this board.

 

So lets fast forward to aproxamatly 2 weeks after that event she continually keep being angry with me and screaming and yelling unlike anything I have ever seen in my ENTIRE LIFE.. she attacked me in the kitchen area pyshically scratching and hitting me and I tried to force my way out of a corner and it knocked her over and she hit her head and I again had to call the medics and police again this time it seemed like it was only a matter of time before "I would be responsable for her anger" this was all surrounding a website that I was going to create for another "WOMAN" for "US" I figured we needed to come up with as much money as possible as fast as posible and this deal came to me but these events I realized that I would only be able to make money when and how and with who she wanted based on her anger and insecurity. so thats the first two weeks together now I will reply to her posts thoughts and let you all see how I feel about it.

 

 

i admit it hasn't been low stress but i saw a man not who was making money but going out of his way to seek $3000.00 frm a company and a "ceo" that was not on the up on up. he can't keep a job. that's why his wife divorced him too. the world is just the world. we have to have the stupid green and play the game to some degree to keep living on earth and even to die. why take it out on someone that loves you and was looking out for his best interest because they were nursing him for graphics without paying for it first.

 

by the time i moved in with him i was so frazzled and reluctant. i honestly knew then we should have each our own places first. he'd never lived an adult life without his wife. he got her pregnant as a one night stand, they had the baby, then got married and lived their "legitimate" life. once we became girlfriend and boyfriend he would disrespect that relationship because "i am JUST a girlfriend not his wife" he still says it.

 

he says i live a "singles" life and calls my decent loving friends "bar sluts" because none of them were married at 22 and most went to college.

 

he has known me for 20 years, people. he knows what hurts me and he knows i have baggage. he says horrible things like that "i'm broken because i' have been raped" am i justified in weilding a knife at myself and threatening to kill myself? hell no. but to me it had already built up, and then in my eyes the first week we lived here he was fliriting and exploring his new found freedom away from ex wife by chatting with that "ceo" discussing extramarital affairs and NOT business deals.

 

anyway, i just needed to respond to his side too. i read what you said cygny. i already wept enough tonight about it and he is berating me as i speak this post. i'm just replying to what he thinks for my own sanity.

 

i hope his posts speak for themself about him. and mine for me. i really do.

[magda]

You guys aren't happy together. The longer you stay together the more miserable you will be. Maybe if you get some distance things will work out someday, but at this point, who even cares. Unless you like the fact that both of your lives are being shortened and wasted on living a life of stress and hate (which hey, some people get off on) then figure out how to split apart. My question is, when is your lease up? Quit supporting anger magnet financially. Let him provide his own stress free environment without it being spoiled by the relationship he has chosen to be in. Big deal if he blames you. That won't effect you when you're gone.

 

This isn't about right and wrong or who is more flawed, it's about what you want from this relationship and how you want to be treated. No one here is satisfied so everyone is a loser.

[seeking_a_life]

i've been afk upset and sleeping unsettledly. i was going to leave the thread alone but i am back to reply. i need to say this.

 

You guys aren't happy together. The longer you stay together the more miserable you will be. Maybe if you get some distance things will work out someday, but at this point, who even cares. Unless you like the fact that both of your lives are being shortened and wasted on living a life of stress and hate (which hey, some people get off on) then figure out how to split apart.

 

i care. i care about his welfare. i know deep down in him he used to be a person i looked up to for strength and survivor quality and for wisdom too. and i care and can't take that he'll end up on the streets or something because he has "no where to go".

 

right before your all very eyes he is putting all HIS welfare in MY hands unfairly and if i go through with dissolving this home, which everyone is encouraging , instead of pursuing the counseling then it's to me throwing away a pretty healthy alternative. i'm trying to understand, does that mean none of you think counseling would help? was it so obvious that he didn't have it in his heart to go together?

 

hasn't anyone noticed from his posts that there's no remorse or resolution in his heart toward me for his 50%. i am trying to make mine screamingly clear. I am NOT blaming him for EVERYTHING then turning around verbally to his face and saying stuff that is edited out of the written depiction. he accuses me of being so utterly violent and abusive when the bulk of my communication this entire night has flooded straight onto this website. i do make verbal lashings but he makes consistent emotional ones. painful ones too. and just as unpredictiable or sadly predictable in an equally walking on eggshells sort of way. then he uses his ailments to skip over his mistreating me.

 

a person's stress and happiness is immediately linked to their own mind: linked to their attitudes about life, about the way they approach life's challenges; linked to their perception of people. misanthropes hate on everyone. their cup is always half empty. they see ego in charity and blame the fortune of others and misfortune of themselves completly on luck. i didn't waltz into this relationship to stress him out. he gets stress out because i care if he eats chips or fast food over a healthy meal. get gets stressed out because i try to encourage him to exercise. he gets stressed out because i urge him to keep his doctor visits. i guess since he has no money it would stress anyone out but don't think i haven't been very open and actively willing in supporting his health obligations. i have been. and yet he still says i mistreat him.

 

i also do need to note that love him and when things are good, i AM happy. it's the pain that he is an unhappy person and that to him all his unhappiness is suddenly a result of me. my happiness is inherent until i am snapped at first thing each morning. i make excuses for his incessant grumpiness, chalk it up to "he must feel sick" "his blood sugar is high/low" and he adds to excusing himself: "i was half asleep" but i'm still in the frame where i look forward to spending time with him and just hope the time is a "good" night instad of a bad one.

 

i am willing to go to therapy, make active efforts to nurture his health issues, and active efforts to try to take the right steps to resolve in healthy directions BUT he never once acknowledged my efforts nor does he care to lead that healthy lifestyle, and especially not if I suggest any of the concepts.

 

he never even considered the fact i willingly and consistently seek therapy and commit myself to applying those tools as best i can. i even pursued anger management for women classes (which was Majorly difficult to locate. the nearest most effective offering was 40 miles away on a week night and I still went all the way through and would have kept going for additional sessions had it made a difference when I practiced what i had learned).

 

I had in fact did it as a a direct result of the incidents he describes from when we first moved in together 3 years ago. following those incidents, anything i did became a null effort in his eyes, and justified his LACK of efforts continually. i mention this because if you know about the characterisitics of an abuser, it is usually an abuser that will not admit their 50%. They would NEVER seek anger management on their own. they avoid counseling of most sorts if they can. it hurts that he takes my love for him, twists it into a distorted, warped version and then spews it back in resentment and passive agressive complaints.

 

Big deal if he blames you. That won't effect you when you're gone.

 

it will affect me, magda. for so many reasons. but the main one being that i entered this relationship as a conscientious 33 year old woman who had been friends with him for 20 years already. i had already sought couples counseling in other relationships and read self help books and male-female interactions books, and individual counseling. AND i entered the relationship believing he was open to growth and change equally based on the fact he had been actively attending counseling with his then still wife. then when it came time to face WE needed it, he gave up on our relationship almost immediately. his blame will affect me the rest of my life because straight-up i feel his full blame of me is unfair and cruel.

 

This isn't about right and wrong or who is more flawed, it's about what you want from this relationship and how you want to be treated. No one here is satisfied so everyone is a loser.

 

i did not set out to play blame game. contrary to what he seems to state, i did not start this thread right in front of him. i was distraught and felt alone and upset at work the day before when i started this thread and it was to vent. anoymously. not to point out one person's flaws and not my own. i tried openly to describe he thinks i'm abusive. i just needed to sort out the situation.

 

for me this entire thread HAS been about what I want from this relationship and how i want to be treated. and for ME i am heartbroken that he doesn't see the heart and soul i have put into treating him the way he wants to be treated. truly. i already feel destroyed, and highly ineffective. it sucks. and whatever happens next. i will either way feel like an f-ing loser, because i feel i substantially did what a person should attempt to resolve mistakes towards others and failed miserably under completly unfair conditions.

 

i loved this guy alot, and his role in my life had been that valuable to me. leaving the situation is a huge loss without first seeking counseling. i could be wrong, i could be being codependant, but that is how i feel.

 

(unless suddenly he has a sudden epiphany of how hurtful its been for me too and says "OH counseling, sure! wow your feelings matter, and you have made such progress! i never noticed before!")

[Ladyjane14]

It's hurtful and disappointing when a relationship doesn't work out. It's sad for all the folks involved, but I agree with Magda....this thing isn't making either of you happy. In fact, the misery seems to be escalating.

 

Anger Magnet seems to be 'an empty vessel'. He's got nothing much going on in his life except for his pain and depression. Seeking_A_Life can't fill that "vessel" for him, even if she desperately wants to. It's not something that one person can do for another. Spiritual fullness comes from within.

 

My advice to AM would be:

 

1. to seek treatment for your depression. Talk this over with a medical professional, take a screening, and follow the treatment plan exactly.

 

2.to find a job. This doesn't have to be the greatest job, but you'll feel better when you're getting out into the world again and taking care of yourself financially.

 

3. to seek solace for your spirit. Feed your soul AM, either through religion or philosophy.

 

 

 

My advice to Seeking:

 

1. Get into IC and stay with it until you have recovered your self-esteem and have developed control over your emotions. If you are not in control of your emotions...then they are in control of YOU.

 

2. Recognize that you cannot estimate your self-worth by the state of your romantic relationship. Let it go. Let him go. Define who YOU are. Stop worrying about what he's doing.

 

You're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole with this guy, so that he'll fit the requirements you've got in mind that make YOU whole. Redefine yourself without him in the equation. Let go of the controls you're trying to place on him, and you'll release the frustration you associate with him.

 

3. Give him 90 days to pull his sh*t together...and then move on with your life. You two seem to be fundementally unsuited for each other.

 

 

To both of you, I would say this. You should NEVER get married. If two people can't get along before marriage....a trip to the alter is not going to solve that. This has been a relationship trainwreck.

 

Whether you decide to stay together, or to make the best of it temporarily until other arrangements can be made....you need to start treating each other better today.

 

This is a list of Lovebusters from marriagebuilders.com. You should begin using these tools immediately. In order to STOP needling each other, you should avoid:

 

*Selfish Demands

*Disrespectful Judgments

*Angry Outbursts

*Annoying Habits

*Independent Behavior

*Dishonesty

 

(If you're geared toward separation however, I think it would be wise to ENCOURAGE "independant behavior" as a means to releasing the controls you are placing upon each other and creating emotional distance.)

 

Good Luck to you both.

[cygny]

i've been afk upset and sleeping unsettledly. i was going to leave the thread alone but i am back to reply. i need to say this.

 

 

 

i care. i care about his welfare. i know deep down in him he used to be a person i looked up to for strength and survivor quality and for wisdom too. and i care and can't take that he'll end up on the streets or something because he has "no where to go".

 

right before your all very eyes he is putting all HIS welfare in MY hands unfairly and if i go through with dissolving this home, which everyone is encouraging , instead of pursuing the counseling then it's to me throwing away a pretty healthy alternative. i'm trying to understand, does that mean none of you think counseling would help? was it so obvious that he didn't have it in his heart to go together?

 

Counselling will not help your relationship because Anger Magnet is not interested in improving your relationship. It is clear from his posts. He's caught up in the blame game and is using your mistakes as an excuse to make you into his slave/caretaker. Now that I know more of his/your past, it is clear there is a pattern here. Cut your losses and run. Regardless of what mistakes you have made in the relationship, at this point he is USING you. And yes, he is PUSHING you away INTENTIONALLY. He simply does not want to take responsibility for what he is doing. He does not take responsibility for his role in the relationship. Period.

 

Let him go. He will manage. Do not let him bully you into thinking you have to take care of him. You owe him nothing.

 

Counselling will help you both individually to gain self-esteem and control over your reactions and to take responsibility. It is an important thing to do. But face it, your relationship is F*cked.

 

You will come to the point eventually where you will have to leave. You can't change him. He is manipulating your mind. You are falling for his mind games because emotionally you are hanging on to this relationship, and the 'good times' and your dreams and because you are afraid to be alone and start over. but you are ignoring that overall you are being sucked down into a very very bad place and the longer you stay the harder it will be to recover and you will be that much older.

 

I have been where you are now. you think you can help by counselling. no you cannot help the relationship, you can only help you. it will be that much harder for you to help yourself the longer you stay in the relationship, because every thing the counsellor will tell you to do to establish boundaries will be resisted and undermined by AM. you will be fighting him for every inch of yourself. He doesn't want you to get strong and healthy because then he can't use you as his caretaker.

[Anger_magnet]

Since the focus of this thread has been my health issuse I think it is only fair to point out that that both times that she tried to KILL HERSELF I was right their at the hospital in fact she was released early from observation 2x becuse of me coming down and signing for her. The first time she was givin medications to help her with her problems and gave me a verbal promise to take them (the doctor insisted) she came home and started drinking alchohol with the meds and eventually flew back into a second RAGE and tried to kill herself again I felt horribly responsable since she was realeased to me early. The second vistit to the hospital she was given different medications to take and told not to drink.

 

Within 2 weeks from that she stopped taking her medications entirely (saying that she didnt like the way they made her feel) What am I supposed to do with someone that will not accept that you can not read / therapy / or self heal from the condisions that she has. She has real physio emotional problems that require medications that SHE REFUSES TO TAKE my suscpiousoins are that she has a combination of bi-polar dissorder and turrets syndrome. and thier is no amount of book reading that can help in that case. I have worried my self to death (because I love her) over her drinking flying into these rages getting in her car driving crazy fear that she will hurt herself or someone else in the rages she flys into.

 

For my own medical I didnt say well I am going to self heal my way out of being insulin dependant I accepted the bad news of having to take 5 shots a day and deal with life on a day to day basis eventho i know my life will be very short Just taking it day by day and making the best of what little i have left.

 

cygns-

 

Even as a man hater you should give me props for being a good man ... I have never hit on her and very very rarely have I ever lashed out verbally and even then not vulgarly just my feelings minus all the vulgarity. And I have been on the reciving end of physical and verbal abuse in its most disgusting form. its pretty obvious from your lack of compassion or response for my side that you have issuses with men.. so sorry for that but thats your life. good luck

 

Ladyjane14

 

Even tho your response is for her not for me I appreciate your view and advice more so at least seems to me that you read my post carefully and can see the danger/jepordary this realationship is causing for both of us. I dont want to be the person all this RAGE is directed at I DIDNT RAPE HER the person that did rape her is responsible I have been more than a good BF and have done everything possible to remember that the RAGE is not my fault. your suggestions for me are spot on!

 

 

1. to seek treatment for your depression. Talk this over with a medical professional, take a screening, and follow the treatment plan exactly.

 

I am not depressed from what the doctors say and we always have a mental health discussion at every checkup and being diabetic I have alot more of those than normal people and what ever advice or meds they tell me to take I follow the instructions to a T

 

2.to find a job. This doesn't have to be the greatest job, but you'll feel better when you're getting out into the world again and taking care of yourself financially.

 

This is a main source of dilema I live in constant fear I have no idea when her RAGE will come in usally its around the time of any interaction with potential employeers. If they are not who / where / when she wants them to be she will fly into major fits of rage and I have lost out on many opportunitys for work several time just by being kept awake all night dealing with her rage for the job or where or who its is with.

 

3. to seek solace for your spirit. Feed your soul AM, either through religion or philosophy.

 

I have relied upon religion for the last few years without god there is no way I could get through this.

 

 

She just hit me does anyone have any suggestions for how I should respond ?

[magda]

Counselling will not help your relationship because Anger Magnet is not interested in improving your relationship. It is clear from his posts. He's caught up in the blame game and is using your mistakes as an excuse to make you into his slave/caretaker. Now that I know more of his/your past, it is clear there is a pattern here. Cut your losses and run. Regardless of what mistakes you have made in the relationship, at this point he is USING you. And yes, he is PUSHING you away INTENTIONALLY. He simply does not want to take responsibility for what he is doing. He does not take responsibility for his role in the relationship. Period.

 

Let him go. He will manage. Do not let him bully you into thinking you have to take care of him. You owe him nothing.

 

I agree with this wholeheartedly. Anger Magnet has become kind of a toxic person. I believe that if you let him go, only then will he face his issues and possibly heal himself. You may have been physically abusive to him in the past, but he is being emotionally abusive to you now. Of course there are always good times you will remember, and that's what makes it hard. See counseling on your own to help you get through your issues of him blaming you. He should seek counseling for his anger and depression and manipulative ways of dealing with it. Couples counseling doesn't seem like it would work, for the reasons you stated about anger_magnet not seeming like he cares at all about working things out. When I was talking about this not being about right or wrong, I was referring more to Anger_Magnet. He seems to really just want to blame you whereas you seem primarily to want to make it work.

 

 

Anger_Magnet, yes, move out of the house. That would be a great way of dealing with it.

[Anger_magnet]

she has been in counsiling for years ... the problem appears that she has physio emotional issues and she refuses medications that will help her... years before I was in the picture of counsiling and years of the same behavior in other relationships... this problem was well formed before I was ever in the picture and all attempts at discussion or attending counsiling have led to a more explosive / physical violent reactions from her.

 

I understand her pain from being assualted or at least I try too understand it but can not understand why she takes it all out on me.

[magda]

This is stupid. Anger_Magnet, is there anything you love about her?

[cygny]

anger magnet i will give you the same advice i am giving seeking a life--

 

go your separate ways and move on. that is it. you have no excuse staying in a relationship where you feel you are abused. if you do not leave, then it is your own fault for staying.

 

for you to get on here and try to curry sympathy is not getting you anywhere. move out today and get on with it.

[cygny]

This is stupid. Anger_Magnet, is there anything you love about her?

 

magda--this will just degenerate into a stupid thread. let's leave them alone. they both know what they need to do and now it is up to them.