got married for the wrong reasons?

[Shorti28]

Hello. This is my first post, so I'm a little nervous. Here is my story...any advice from anyone who's gone through anything similar would be appreciated.

 

During college, I dated a man I'll just call J. J and I had a seemily great relationship, up until I found out he cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend, a girl who I happened to know very well. We were not exactly friends, but shared the same "friend circle" if that makes sense. Needless to say, this information devestated me and J and I broke up for a time. I realized I missed him very much and believed that I would be willing to try to forgive him and give our relationship a chance. He was a wreck, always calling and apologizing and saying he wanted another chance to prove himself and his love to me. So we got back together. However, I was so very angry with him. I loved him so very much, but could never put out of my mind what he did.

 

In the meantime, I began talking more and more with T, who is my husband now. T and J were friends, in fact, they lived in the same house. T became the person that I went to when I needed to cry about J. My self-esteem had been shattered by what J did. To this very day, I suffer from depression and low self-esteem, always feeling as is I am not good enough for anything. I am currently seeing a counselor for this. Here is where my situation gets tricky...

 

In getting help for my depression and finally feeling as if I am becoming myself again, I am beginning to seriously doubt my current relationship and the reasons why I got married. You see, I now know that after J cheated on me, I became numb. I literally shut down. T and I began our relationship while I was in that state. I literally broke up w/ J and began my relationship with T immediately. I saw J as someone I could never trust again (although I loved him so very much) and I saw T as someone that I could love and that would never hurt me. I DO love T, in that we have tons in common, we get along well, he takes good care of me. On the surface, it looks as if our marriage is picture perfect.

 

Another facet is that when I was dating T, the year before he proposed, we attended 6 weddings. All of these weddings were for close girlfriends of mine. Additionally, right before we got engaged, my best friend got engaged (about 4 months prior). Here is what I believe:

 

I believe I was caught up in "wedding fever" as callous as that may sound. I felt as if it was the right thing to do. My mother got married when she was 24, I would be getting married when I was 24. It just all seemed to make sense. I also believe that I was very numb when T asked me to marry him. All through the wedding preparations, the wedding itself, and now 2 years into the marriage, I was not myself. I was playing a role in a sense. Now that I've finally accepted my depression, I feel as if I have been living in denial for about 4 years and was accepting a life that just "seemed right" to live. I don't know if that makes any sense. It does not help that I have realized I still love J very much. In no way do I know if we are supposed to be together, in fact, we probably are not supposed to be. But I know that T never truly had my whole heart. In fact, I'm not sure if the heart I gave him was ever real to begin with.

 

Deep down, I feel as if I need to be alone. I need to be alone for quite some time to be able to figure myself out. I feel as if being in this marriage is somewhat of a distraction (again, very callous-sounding but true). I feel as if I can not devote myself to T and myself at the same time. Figuring myself out while worrying about being a good wife is so overwhelming to me.

 

Please help.

[fomerlyniceguy]

I guess you would say I was in "T" 's postion. I amrried my wife after she broke up with the father of her son. It seemed normal enough at the time, we seemed happy. Things progressed and we married about 16 months later. I asked her before we married if she was sure she wanted this, she had gone from relationship to relationship, and was never on her own. Well now it is four years down the line and she wants a divorce(we are seperated right now). We hardly talk anymore, even though she says she wants to be friends. She said that she was unhappy, I tried harder to be a good husband but nothing ever worked. One big problem we had was she would go out with girlfriends and not come home until 3 or 4 in the morning. She said before she left, we had many problems in our marriage that she is sure could be fixed, but that she just doesn't want to be married anymore, but if she did I would be the one she would want to be married too. That wasn't much of a consolation to me though. So here is the thing. Obviously T deserves to be loved completely by his wife (at least that is how you made him sound). If you feel like you can't do that you need to to let him go, because he deserves better and so do you. As far as me and my wife, I know she is having some money trouble and things aren't playing out exactly how she thought they would. I do wish her well and hope she finds what she is looking for. Me I am doing well I miss her but am doing my best to move on, and believe it or not and happy more often than not. If this is just the belief that the grass is greener than I'll tell you it is not. If you are fundamentally not in love with your husband that is a different story.

 

FNG

[JayKay]

Hi Shorti

 

One of my guy friends, M, was married to his wife for 15 years. He was sort of her 'knight in shining armor' back in college; she'd been with an abusive sort of guy and M became her shoulder to cry on. They started dating, got married very quickly and started having kids right away.

 

15 years and three kids later, M's wife decided she wanted out. She said she'd gotten married for the wrong reasons, that she'd married for security...not love.

 

M was very understandably crushed and shattered.

 

The divorce followed and M had a very difficult first year, then spent a few years dating one woman after another.

 

His wife met someone about a year and a half post-divorce, fell in love and got re-married.

 

Now, about three years into her second marriage, M says his ex-wife is still unhappy and is now questioning THIS relationship.

 

 

Before you toss your marriage, I might question whether you have relationship issues as opposed to a marriage issue.

 

Have you had healthy relationships with men in the past?

 

What is your perception of 'being in love'?

 

How do you see a 'good marriage' unfolding over the decades?

 

 

I might suggest couples counseling....or perhaps therapy for you...to discover why you still pine for an ex-boyfriend who treated you shabbily.

What is it about J that you miss?

Are you sure these are things based on reality?

 

From what you've described, T has shown you kindness, respect, honesty and affection. Those are all qualities that are worth falling in love with.

 

Of course, if you are truly unhappy in your marriage and feel you should end it, that's your decision to make. But I'd think long and hard about it first.

[Shorti28]

Thank you both so much for your advice. It was heart felt and truly helped me. I can't write much now (it's getting late), but I just wanted to express how grateful I was for your kind advice. I will be doing a lot of thinking and examining of my past relationships, as well as my marriage. You'll be happy to know that I have been going to counseling, for my depression. I've only gone to 3 sessions, but I know it will help. I've also looked into some other resources, including joining a church and reading some great books (I'm reading "The Power of Now" right now...I highly recommend it!)

 

Thanks again, and I will hopefully be able to post more tomorrow.

[fomerlyniceguy]

I think JayKay is probably right, but to the person that is getting dumped it's preetty much all the same. My wife was married at seventeen after two years they were both cheating on each other. Then came a long string of relationships, one after the other she was with the father of her child for 6 years and broke up with him(He didn't want to get married). We were pretty much on our way to a relationship by that point. I am sure you can guess what her rational for all those relationships were right? Yep, "I was with them for the wrong reasons". I was a college graduate with a job and a car at the same time. I was calm and responsible and something she said she loved, "Normal". Well now it is 5 years down the line and now she says she married me for the wrong reasons. She questions if she ever loved me, If she didn't she was a good actress I remember I was there. I often wonder what her expectations were of how it was going to be. Unfortunatly, it doesn't matter now. Even though I sounded flippant in my first post, I have to say you really should spend sometime what you expected it to be, and what you want out of life. Discussion with your husband is important. My wife would say she is unhappy but wouldn't tell me why, I assumed it was me not being a good husband, even though her friends were jealous of the way I treated her. If he is smart he will understand how you feel, and be supportive. You have to figure out what the right reasons are to be married before you can decide whether you need out. Good Luck.

[JayKay]

Good points FormerlyNiceGuy...

 

 

I think a lot of people come into marriage expecting the other person to 'fix' their lives for them.

 

They figure, "Oh, I met this really great person! NOW my life will be happy!"

 

But if they are the type of person who's never really been happy, or who is not good at problem-solving, eventually the first blush of romance fades and they realize they're stuck with many of the same problems they always had.

 

 

All romances do fade eventually; all marriages have to evolve. One type of love replaces another. For some people, the process of evolving is very frightening. THey think they are losing the 'spark' and that their marriage has grown stale and boring.

 

Rather than take risks with open communication (and truly honest, open communication IS scary at times!) a lot of people decide to ditch the relationship.

[fomerlyniceguy]

The most open an honest time of my mine and my wifes marriage was from the time she said she wanted a divorce until the time she moved out. We were masters of communication of day to day business, We just got to the point we didn't talk about ourselves. If we were able to talk as openly as we did those last few weeks, perhaps we would still be together. She felt like I wouldn't understand, if she had tried she would have seen I have had doubts myself, what I didn't understand was her walking away without even really trying.

 

fng