JeT'Aime Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 A few months ago, my boyfriend promised to stop looking at porn. he broke his promise one time, and we almost broke up. but i decided to give it another chance. playfully, i'll occasionally ask him if he's been looking at it. and he always says no. well today, i found some videos on his on his computer, in his limewire. (a place to download) i think he thinks i won't find it there and he's hiding it from me. i'm going to bring it up tonight. what should i say? and what should i really think about this. now don't get me wrong, i know that every guy looks at porn. but he made a PROMISE to me that he wouldn't do it anymore. and i'm not just mad about the porn, i'm mad that he's broken my trust again! i feel like he's hiding this stuff from me and i just don't know what to do! Link to post Share on other sites
AmyG Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 If you are mad about the trust issue then I say first give him a chance. Ask him to be honest with you and if he has been downloading anything before you tell him what you know. Maybe he will come clean which I think would make a huge difference in how pissed I would be. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 He is looking at porn, again! He lied, again! He broke your trust, again! You're still with him, why? I'm sure you love him etc, but sometimes thats not all it takes to hold a relationship together. Trust is a main factor and it seems you do not have that. I see it like this, either you accept it, or you get out of the situation, and find someone who shares your views on porn, someone thats not going to lie to you about things, and someone you can trust. I see this as a vicious cycle that needs to be broke. You will confront him, he will say hes sorry and PROMISE to stop. You'll be ok with it, just to find out a few weeks/months later hes back on it again. I doubt he is going to stop just because you said something. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
InLimbo2 Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 you say "now don't get me wrong, i know that every guy looks at porn" - but you extract a promise from him that he won't? what's up with that? just flexing your control of him? that's like saying "ok, I know you are going to notice pretty women walking on the street, all men do, but I want you to PROMISE me that you won't, even when I'm not there, and if I find out you did - then it's a lie - and I'm going to end this relationship" Yeah he's gonna lie about it, it's unreasonable to extract that promise from him - you already admit you do not have some great deep-seated moral or religious issue with porn and accept that men look at it. You going to extract a promise from him that he'll never *think* about another woman? That he'll never lie to you when you ask if your butt looks fat in these jeans? Be reasonable in your expectations, and be reasonable in your demands. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 If you think you have a right to control what another human being thinks and does, then you shouldn't be in relationships with other human beings. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 He promised you he wouldn't do it and yet he done it again .. Personally if this happened to me with the porn issue and he continued after promising me then i would think he had an addiction .. I know of people that look at porn while their significant other is sleeping !! That is an accident waiting to happen doing that while the spouse is sleeping ,i think it is very disrespectful to the spouse that is sleeping ,when they could be in the bed with their spouse instead of getting their jollies off the porn, could be doing it with their spouse !!I just don't care for porn at all don't do nothing for me.. Maybe your bf has an addiction and needs help good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 It's not an 'addiction'. It's just something that's stupid to have to promise never to do. It's like promising you'll never again eat a potato chip. You like them, they're tasty, but you're not 'addicted' to them. You just don't want to live your whole entire life never having another chip. This 'addiction' business is stupid except when someone spends hours and hours or tons of money on porn and neglects his partner. Otherwise, it's harmless so to force people to promise something that dumb is to set oneself up for disappointment. Tell you what. You promise to never again eat chocolate or some other food you like and you just see how easy that is to do for your whole life. Oh, and tell the bf that if you ever have so much as a bit of chocolate, then you're a hateful liar and he has every reason to drop you no matter how good the rest of the relationship is. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 It's not an 'addiction'. It's just something that's stupid to have to promise never to do. It's like promising you'll never again eat a potato chip. You like them, they're tasty, but you're not 'addicted' to them. You just don't want to live your whole entire life never having another chip. This 'addiction' business is stupid except when someone spends hours and hours or tons of money on porn and neglects his partner. Otherwise, it's harmless so to force people to promise something that dumb is to set oneself up for disappointment. Tell you what. You promise to never again eat chocolate or some other food you like and you just see how easy that is to do for your whole life. Oh, and tell the bf that if you ever have so much as a bit of chocolate, then you're a hateful liar and he has every reason to drop you no matter how good the rest of the relationship is. What if the her bf was looking at girls that are college girls that have the body of a 13 yr old ? Would you still say that is ok Outcast? Just curious to see what you say to that .. I think it is sick.. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 moma we're not talking about underage porn here. Don't let's start talking about 'what if he wants to have sex with farm animals?'. Those are different issues. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 moma we're not talking about underage porn here. Don't let's start talking about 'what if he wants to have sex with farm animals?'. Those are different issues. Roflmao!! I wasn't going to but you said it was like taking away chocolate and that is why i stated that !! Big difference with chocolate and porn !! It is making her feel insecure with him on the porn and making her feel she isn't good enough for him !! Porn can bring alot of issues in a relationship such as not feeling worth and think that they are wanting someone else that was like that .. Porn isn't real they are doctor pics and none looks that way !! Perfect and all .. She asked him not to and he promised and that is the issue the trust !! You have to have trust in a relationship and it was broken and she feels betrayed and i would too!! Link to post Share on other sites
zoidberg Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 My wife and I have different sex drives. I love her, and she is the only woman I will ever have sex with (I will never ever consider having an affair), but she just doesn't want it as much as I do. So I look at porn. I do feel some guilt about this, and I hide it from her because I want to spare her feelings and because she is very conservative, sexually, and would probably freak out. But I never neglect her, and never turn to porn instead of her. For me, porn is just a stimulant for self-gratification. Do you think my behavior is wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
NOTHERE Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 Look...I left my husband over this $h*!...... Seriously.....He said he was going to stop but all that happened was he kept getting more into it..... I was like the rest of you chicks....I didnt care if he looked, I didnt want it rubbed in my face but I didnt really care.... I was secure with how I looked, I was considered a hot chick and whatnot but after a year of his crap i totally went downhill..... his tidy little porn pile went from 30 or so pics to 749 pics and was STILL downloading more and more and more.....I couldnt handle it.... GUESS WHAT HAPPENED?? I LEFT HIS PERVERTED A$$..... AND GUESS WHAT?? Its been 5 YEARS and he REGRETS EVERYTHING....wishes he never even started making the porn an issue and promises undying love and utter devotion if I would just go back with him...... For me, it wasnt that he looked at porn, it was that he couldnt STOP and be satisfied with the pics that he had, he had to keep hunting. and hunting and what hurt more than that is that looking at me wasnt enough... You dont have to leave him like I did, but make him aware of the severity of broken promises and what porn does to you.......and basically, its not fair....maybe you should f with his mind a bit.......start downloading naked men and leave these pics around in a place where he can see them openly, hide some in files, leave up the websites in history bars and then say "sorry, i promise next time i wont do it" when he confronts you....then...DO IT AGAIN....AND keep doing it until you get it through his head... Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 Oh fergawsakes. Dropping a guy because he has a collection of photos is ridiculous. And no, if your wife isn't as horny as you and you use porn to fill in the gap, that's cool. You're not fantasizing about past relationships or possible relationships you could have. I want every woman who thinks a man should just forget about horniness to quit eating fries and chocolate immediately and never sneak another bite of either. And their husbands to divorce them immediately if they do sneak a fry or a bar. It's only fair. Link to post Share on other sites
mel777 Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 There is nothing wrong with liking porn just like there is nothing wrong with not liking porn and not wanting to date someone who looks at it. What is wrong is to try and shove your viewpoint down his throat. I am a woman and i wouldn't date a guy if he had a problem with me watching adult films and obvioulsy I have no problem with my boyfriend looking at porn. An addiction to porn is different entirley. I wouldn't date anyone who let anything control his life, drugs, porn, etc. As for all the comments that say the woman make you feel bad about yourself---Get some self esteem. No one and nothing can make you feel bad about yourself. You control how you feel. My advice, pop in a movie light some candles and invite your boyfriend over for the show. You might be surprised how hot it can be. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 Porn makes women feel insecure because they think their h doesn't have what he is wanting and wants more than what she looks like be it big boobs ,butt etc and this can create a low self esteem .. Some men would rather be with their porn than with their wives and will even view it in the same room as the spouse is sleeping!! Link to post Share on other sites
NOTHERE Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 LOOK.... Us woman eating a fry or a chocolate bar hurts NO ONE but maybe our thighs....Its a proven fact..... Look at all the postings about hurt women..... Its hurtful....and I most certainly did leave his perverted a$$ and I would and will do it again...HEY, If those pics mean more to him than a freakin marriage then so be it...to each his own, but I wasnt going to stand by and deal with a Husband that smelled like seminal fluid..not when I had more life yet to live...and Hey, its not like I didnt give him a fair shot....Like I said, I didnt care if he looked but he totally abused it and kept downloading more and more and it made me sick and started to skeeve me out...... eating a piece of chocolate or a fry never made a man cry....NEVER...unless they are crazy and then I dont know what to say about that... Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 Some men would rather be with their porn than with their wives and will even view it in the same room as the spouse is sleeping!! Um. That would be because the tired wife is sleeping and the husband doesn't want to wake her up just to satisfy him. But does he get points for letting her get her rest? No. Link to post Share on other sites
barfool Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Um. That would be because the tired wife is sleeping and the husband doesn't want to wake her up just to satisfy him. But does he get points for letting her get her rest? No. I think I was in that relationship once. My sex drive (for him at least ) was much lower than his and I would happily point him to porn when he was horny and I was not. But he would always try to get it from me first. I guess that's the important part. If I'm away or asleep or not in the mood then why shouldn't he have some other outlet? If I climbed on top of him and he said excuse me and ran to the other room to masturbate to porn, then I would be offended. And I don't see the big difference between masturbating with images running through your mind and porn. Before I ever started using porn I would have images and scenarios in my head while masterbating. The mind is a very stimulating organ. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 And I don't see the big difference between masturbating with images running through your mind and porn. Before I ever started using porn I would have images and scenarios in my head while masterbating. The mind is a very stimulating organ. Personally, I would FAR rather the guy in my life masturbate to photos of strangers than to his fond memories of past sexual experiences with other girlfriends! Link to post Share on other sites
Author JeT'Aime Posted January 17, 2006 Author Share Posted January 17, 2006 the boyfriend/spouse looking at porn while their s.o. is sleeping actually happened to me. which is why i origionally got mad about the porn. i woke up while he was doing it, and i was EXTREMELY upset. we have the kind of relationship where he would wake me up if he wanted to do it. which made me soooo angry. and he just acted like nothing happened when he came to bed later that night. later, about a month later, he confessed to me that he knew i woke up and he saw me crying. but he still did nothing. very fustrating. Link to post Share on other sites
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 LOOK.... Us woman eating a fry or a chocolate bar hurts NO ONE but maybe our thighs....Its a proven fact..... Look at all the postings about hurt women..... Its hurtful....and I most certainly did leave his perverted a$$ and I would and will do it again...HEY, If those pics mean more to him than a freakin marriage then so be it...to each his own, but I wasnt going to stand by and deal with a Husband that smelled like seminal fluid..not when I had more life yet to live...and Hey, its not like I didnt give him a fair shot....Like I said, I didnt care if he looked but he totally abused it and kept downloading more and more and it made me sick and started to skeeve me out...... eating a piece of chocolate or a fry never made a man cry....NEVER...unless they are crazy and then I dont know what to say about that... You're missing the point completely. The point is that it's just as ridiculous for you to be hurt at your SO watching porn as it is for him to be hurt at you eating a chocolate bar, because NEITHER should hurt any sane individual. They are both normal behaviors which do not harm anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
WoWaddict Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 I have problems with porn in a relationship...its not ok unless you are watching it together. Part of being in a relationship is making sure your partner and yourself are both sexually satisfied. If he feels the need to wank off to porn instead of being intimate, then he's not happy in the relationship, and sometimes all the prodding and promising in the world wont change it. He might feel inadequate. Porn also makes me feel like less of a woman. Why woud he want to look at that, when he has me here, ready and willing. I admit I have a pretty high sex drive, so its not like I tell him I have a headache every night. My fiance knows how I feel about it, and out of respect for me he promised not to look at it. Just like if we go out and buy some kinky toys, I promise not to buy anything bigger than him. Its a mutual thing, so neither one of us feels inadequate. But it's really made our sex life better. He's also gone so far as to 'stop' masterbating. This was an idea he came up with on his own, out of nowhere. So dont come down on me for being controlling lol. He says he has a more intense orgasm during sex when he doesnt. From the beginning I was skeptical, but really thats more for his benefit than mine, so if what he says is true, hes only cheating himself if he does it. But it doesnt matter to me either way. But i think thats besides the point. As far as I know, he's holding up his end of the bargain...but I know I've held up mine. Maybe you should try striking up a mutual bargain with him. If he sees that you're willing to give up something he hates, that he'll be more inclined to keep his promise to you. But if all else fails, I know it will be tough, but find yourself someone who shares your views. You'll save yourself a lot of headaches and heartaches. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 OK, if your guy has to give up porn, then you have to give up your electric buzzing toys. And while you're at it, NEVER have even the mildest of erotic thought about anyone ever again other than your boyfriend. See, it hurts him that you may have private erotic moments that do not include him. Link to post Share on other sites
WoWaddict Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 i actually dont have fantasies that dont include him. ever. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 Ok, but i am directing the comments to jet'aime But i don't buy it. Link to post Share on other sites
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