How do i tell parents about a guy?

[justagirl1121]

Okay, I have a horrible relationship with my parents. By horrible, I mean, I we aren't close, we aren't open about things. I am a good, trusthworthy girl. I don't smoke or do drugs or sleep around. I do go clubbing with friends and drink some. I do have some guy friends. However, I have never had a BOYfriend....but I've madeout with a couple guys. That's about it.

 

So, here's my dilemma. There is a guy I really like. We became good friends. A couple things happened, so now I have an idea that he's interested. But he doesn't want a relationship. He might move across state. I want to get to know him better and become not serious, but exclusive...but still be good friends but a little more. See where it leads.

 

I'd have to tell my parents. I still live at home with them. At least for a couple more months. I have no idea how, if something works out between me and him, how i am supposed to bring this up to my parents! Like choice of wording!!!

 

I do not feel comfortable talking about boys, sex, drugs, body stuff, menstruel period, kissing, etc...I feel weird about them knowing i'd start dating someone and them know i'm making out with him and holding hands and stuff.

 

So, any advice how when the time comes, if it comes, i can approach this with the parents? Any parents out there who have kids who aren't in the dating scene? I have graduated college already. I am too old to not have had relationships but also be so uncomfortable around my parents. Parent's out there, someone must have a kid in my situation. How did you react or think or feel to this?

[ManicHayze]

Well, in my humble opinion, you just need to come out and tell them. I was in kind of the same situation- I was never close with my father. And one day, I came out and told him I fell inlove and was moving out etc. And surprisingly, it worked out. My best bet would be to tell them....

 

And..really... you have already graduated college you say? So you are 22? 23? Why are you afraid of your parents? You need to just come out and confront them. You are an adult now, not a child. You asked if any other parent's out there had a kid in this situation also. Sorry to break it to you hon, but you aren't a kid anymore. You really need to stand up to your parents. Even if it is just telling them you are interested in a guy.

[EMJ]

What if it doesn't work out in a few months? Why would you want them to know any personal details like this? If you don't have a good relationship with your parents I cannot see how this "non-boyfriend" information makes it any better. What is there to tell them?

 

You said your guy doesn't want a relationship. But you are making out with him. So why do you want your parents to know about it? Honestly, if you tell them they are going to think you want their advice and approval. Given that your guy is not really your guy and may be moving across the state, what do you want them to say?

 

My daughter is 23 and getting married. He's a really great guy and I'm happy for her. But I really did not want to know any details about any of these earlier guys unless they were going to be a part of my life. What's the point?

That's part of growning up and she needed to learn some things by herself.

 

You need to go through these situations without them. You are an adult. Adults don't need to tell their parents anything about their personal life unless it's something they will be directly involved in. Spare them the details. Time to make your own decisions and mistakes without involving them.

 

Best wishes and good luck.

[justagirl1121]

Thanks, the only reason I'd feel I'd need/have to tell them, if it got a little more involved, is because my mother has already made some comments like "are you seeing a guy?" or "You'll tell me if you are right" and so on or she wonders what I do when I say I'm going out with my girlfriends, like "it's not some guy you're seeing is it?" and yeah, i've gone out with this guy like 2x, but I'm not lying when I tell her I'm not dating anyone, but 1. i think she'll think i was lying to her this whole time, and 2. the reason i'd feel like i need to tell her is because if i leave the house to go out somewhere with him she's going to be wondering where i am going and why i need to be going out...say on a wed evening for a bit.

 

i know i am an adult and need to just stand up to them, but they have this mindset like 'yes, you're an adult and you thanks for asking if you go somewhere or calling or telling me' but at the same time its like 'our house our rules so you still have to deal with having parents'

 

if i could just go out and hang out with people till 2 am i would have no problem not telling them...its just if me and him get involved, regardless of whether its short term or long term, i have to find time to spend with him and how am i goign to do that with parents down my back.

 

that's interesting you say you dont want to know their personal life. i dont think mine think that way. but i like your thinking better. my life. im adult like you say. its just hard to get out from under parents sometimes when they are very over protective.

[EMJ]

Hon,

Your parents are WAY too over protective. Regardless of their need to be completely involved in your life, it's not good for you and won't help you make strong adult decisions. You are not 15. You say you have a horrible relationship with them and I can see why. They aren't letting you be an adult. They aren't doing their jobs as parents. I'm sorry, but it's true.

 

The only job of a parent is to teach the little birdies how to leave the nest and survive without them. If they haven't been doing that they are holding on to you for their own emotional reasons. You don't want your kids to be so dependent when they grow up do you? It's not healthy.

 

Who cares what they think? You are not their property. This is not a good model of adulthood for you. You do not have to share the details of your private life. That would be a mistake. You aren't lying by witholding information-it's called "none of their business". You need to protect your privacy and try to separate emotionally from them if you want to grow as an independent adult.

 

If I was your Mom, you would have had your own place by now, and I would have helped you furnish it! My daughter had her own apartment at 19 and it helped her grow tremendously. It's part of the reason why she's ready to be married now. She's my only child. I love her with all my heart, but I would never try to hold her back in any way. She's pretty strong and independent now, but was a very shy and needy child. I wasn't having any of it- there was no way that my baby girl was going to grow up to be anyone's doormat or victim! Mama don't play that game!

 

She grew out of the shyness once she learned that she could stand on her own. They are holding you back if they aren't actively pushing you into the real world. Keep your privacy and get out as soon as you can. Eveything is waiting for you out there! Good Luck. Let me know how it works out (but only if you want to-that's your right too!).

[justagirl1121]

Hey, I definitely like your way of thinking. Believe me, I mean, they don't pay for any of my bills, but yeah they certainly aren't pushing me out of the house. I'm trying to get out. Jobs just don't pay enough. I wish my parents were more like "you're an adult." I have friends whose parents know they date, have sex, drink....mine think I have nice, quiet, social gatherings. So you're saying you think its okay to be like I'm going out with <insert ok friend to hang out with> but really go out with guys?

 

I see your way of thinking...maybe i'm just like pavloved into thinking differently, like they have a right even if i am 23 and pay my own bills. the whole thing comes down to i still live under their roof.

 

i wouldn't want to tell them about a guy either unless i knew it was going to work out, it is just like if i was trying to see if it'd work out, i'd need a reason to be going out a different times, staying out till late....maybe not come home till the next day....it's hard for me to get around that without being honest.

 

oh well....i'm not looking for a complete answer...i'm just trying to sort stuff out that's in my head.

[clandestinidad]

Hey justagirl....I'm sorry youre stuck in that situation for now. Did you live w/ them through college too??

 

I know it might be weird, but what about just saying "Im going on a date" when they ask you what youre doing??

 

If they probe you about it later, just say something simple about it. I know you said you all arent close and dont talk about anything, but maybe they are trying to have a conversation w/ you about it.....I dunno...

 

But I definately agree w/ all the other advice, and I think you realize that things should probably change soon, or you might become an unhealthy person. Independance should start in your teens...thats why teens typically rebel/argue. Independance makes you become self-sufficient and also changes your personality....if you dont go out on your own, you'll have difficulty figuring out who you are....just what I think

[Milo]

If you are a college graduate, then when (if ever) to tell anyone about who you are dating is entirely up to you. Why not wait until you have a handle on the budding relationship? I don't think it's necessary for you to announce, "I like this guy." See what happens. Until then, it's your own business.

[curiousnycgirl]

I grew up in precisely the same type of house you are describing. My mother was so uptight she couldn't even give me "the talk." All she ever said was "nice girls don't go to every party."

 

Funny thing is that by the time I hit your age - she was fairly convinced I was a lesbian, simply because we had never discussed anything! She finally got up the courage to ask me - and I literally laughed out loud!

 

I think part of your parent's problem may be the very old fashioned view of life - if a guy is worth dating, he must pick you up, speak with your parents, etc. Things just aren't like that anymore! Gosh half the time when I just start seeing someone I'm not ready for them to know where I live!

 

I would say wait to see where this goes with your new friend. If it gets to a point where you feel you must tell your parents, simply tell them you have a date and let him pick you up from their house. The rest will flow easily.