Good news?

[Donburi]

Hope everyone had a good holiday and new year.

 

I suppose I have a 'lil update to share with everyone. My last post, I was given two kinds of advice. Either do NC and wait for a reaction, or talk to the ex about our issues, since communication has always been a problem for us. After sitting long and hard about it, I chose to keep in contact with ex. Things have gotten...better, I guess. We see eachother about twice a week, and have a class together. He seems to be getting more comfortable being around me. It's almost going on 9 months, and things have been changing very VERY slowly, but they are changing. Though he still can't give me an answer of what he wants to do about us, I can definitely see some improvements.

 

Both he and I plan on moving to Japan this year. Ever since we broke up, I have been wondering what the future will hold, if we would still go together like we planned. The chances didn't seem too good, since he can't even decide if we'll get back together or not. However, I recently found out he still wants to go together, regardless of whether we're a couple or not. He is on his last semester right now (I still have one more) so he could leave after that if he wanted to. But he said he would wait for me (well, those weren't his exact words, he said he would take a few months afterwards to work and earn money.) I really don't know how to take this information, or if I shouldn't be reading into it at all. If he wasn't going to take me back, why on earth would he want to go to another country with an EX? It may be more comforting to go to another country with someone but I don't think thats the case, he isn't afraid to adventure out on his own. He even has friends there. So why can he say for sure we're going together, and still not have his answer about "us"? Any advice? I would especially love to hear from Loony, she was a great help to me before. Thanks for reading.

[loony]

A couple of days ago I had a talk with some nasty revelations and my first impulse to your post is to say, "Screw them all." Right now I'm seriously doubting my ability to assess guys and I'm not sure either if my advice is worth a penny at all.

 

I think it doesn't matter what he is doing now, you shouldn't wonder if he is waiting for you or not. Maybe he wants to wait for you and see other girls, nothing serious, but I guess it would bother you if he kissed them, so concentrate on doing your own stuff. If he hasn't told you that he is waiting for you, consider it worthless. You need this attitude or you will go nuts.

 

There are only two reactions you should allow yourself at this moment. It's either, "Oh good idea/sounds good/I'm happy for you that you are doing this or that." said with a big friendly neutral smile and nothing else, don't show signs of relief or that you are hoping for more, just accept it. Be polite and warm, but that's it. Tell him that you like it that you both can still go together, but that's it. You shouldn't feed his ego by showing him that you are relieved that he is waiting for you. Unless he officially declares that he is waiting for you, he hasn't done anything nice for you, so don't start feeding his ego by making him a supernice guy, he is not. He is not nice, because he wants to please you, he is just doing something that he wants to and that pleases him. His motivation for waiting could be anything, so don't shower him with gratefulness unless you know there is a reason for it. I even think if you started to show relief that he was waiting for you he would feel smothered. Let him do what he wants to do and if he wants more gratitude he should do it for you and not for unknown reasons, after all you're not a clairvoyant and if he doesn't know if he wants to get back with you, why should you know it??? You know nothing unless he says it clearly and until then be nice, positive and polite, but that's it. Unless he fesses up, you just give him this neutral friendliness and cheerfulness like I suggested in your previous thread ("Oh, that's cool that we are talking again. :)").

 

In case that something disappoints you (he doesn't show up and gives you an excuse, cancels a date, etc.) the only reaction you should show is, "Aw, that's too bad. I hope you can make it next time." again, say this with a smile. Don't let him see that you feel too disappointed or that you are trying to make him guilty. Your reaction should just show that you are a bit disappointed, understand his situation, but that it won't prevent you from having a good time. The important thing is to not fret constantly over his bad behavior, otherwise in his eyes you will just become someone who nags and he won't take you seriously anymore. If the negative things accumulate, have a talk with him about it and discuss your expectations. And, if you criticize him, never criticize him with the expectations of a girlfriend, look at it from the point of a friend, is he acting like a real friend or not, that's the question you have to ask yourself. You can't criticize him for not acting like a good boyfriend, because he is not your boyfriend, but you can criticize him for not being a good friend. In fact, that's the point where you can attack him as much as you can, supposing that what you say is justified and not clouded by your emotions and if you bring it up in an objective way. I'm not sure if the latter point is helpful or not, I somehow have the feeling lately that I only get respect when I throw a fit. Maybe those guys are too dense to appreciate it when someone talks to them without being angry. Anyway, I think taking the focus from his as an ex-boyfriend to his behavior as a friend should make it more clearly for you to spot unacceptable behavior. I guess, you accept way more bad behavior from him than from any friend out of fear to lose him, that's what you need to change. He has fallen into this mental laziness and takes you for granted, he knows you will stick around him, because you are in love with him and because you feel guilty for cheating on him. Scolding him for being a bad friend should also serve the purpose of letting him indirectly know that you start doubting his potential as relationship material and that you are on your way out.

 

By the way, bear in mind that you should never start losing control over yourself and use insults or punches below the belt when you argue with him. Be upset, but stay in control and use rational arguments.

 

Are you sure you don't want to kick his ass and simply go NC?