Female opinion .

[Ja5e]

Hi all ,

 

If you , as a female , had a very close friend of a number of years - and 18 months ago he declared his love for you and still felt the same way now.

 

Knowing this , and how stressful it was for him to remain so close to you and continue doing "couple" type things with you , would you :-

 

- back off and let him try and lose the feelings for you?

- allow him to back off and do the same?

- would you be upset if he did back off,even though he explained why he was backing off?

- if he did back off - would you actively not let him back off?

 

Why would you be upset if he tried to cool the friendship to a less intimate level with you ( especially if you had told him you were not interested romantically in him ).

 

Why would you be jealous if other women showed an interest in him?

 

Confusing I know. Just want an opinion if poss. Thanks.

[Sami_D]

Hello Ja5e

 

Well, I am assuming she doesn't want a relationship..? Otherwise why isn't one happening..?

 

Her actions would depend on the person she is... and the extent to which she realises your feelings and how hard it is for you. I think many (most?) people would assume that if YOU are still putting yourself out there for joint activities... then you're ok with it.

 

It's up to you to look after your own heart... are you hoping that she'll do that for you..?

 

For my reactions to your specific questions... to be honest, if I still felt we could have happy times together (he was hiding his feelings, or for some reason I couldnt' see them) then I'd probably continue to do things with him if he agreed. I'd feel it was up to him to decide what he was comfortable with. It would only be if I felt he was mooning about after me, and I felt the need to provide him with something I didn't want to give... that I would break off contact in that way. BUT... not all women feel bad in that way. Lots of women like attention, and like the idea of a man chasing them.

 

It's up to YOU to decide what you want to do with her... not the other way around..?

[Ja5e]

Thanks - I agree with what you are saying completely.

 

It is up to me t look after my heart , and I try to.

I just get confused when I try to - and she seemingly wont let me.

 

She always states that she is a friend only - but reacts badly if we dont speak for a few days , in my book friends do not react like that - the only time I have had emotional reactions like that is when I`ve been dating a girl and for whatever reason not spoken with them for a day or 2.

 

I have the usual problem of a 50-50 split between mutual friends - one half say carry on the freindship she is interested but needs time , the other half ( as you say ) say she reacts like she does because she likes the attention.

 

I feel bad when i do have to say that I need space to collect myself because she then gets upset that I`m not there as much as I was. Catch 22.

 

Everyones different though , I have been in similar position myself in the past with a girl who had feelings for me , she told me , we chatted about it and when it got too much for her she backed off a bit and I did not get upset or try to continue "as normal" with her to give her space. I guess people react in different ways though.

 

I would hate it to come to a point where I had to say "no more - I cant see you anymore until I`ve moved on". She is a true friend , on top of that I love her - so dont want to hurt her by ending the friendship. But maybe i wont have an option if she cant , or wont , let me get some distance.

 

Of course the way my mind works is no help , my skewed logic fools me and tells me that she reacts like that because she is interested but not yet and wants to keep me close and "hanging on" in case she changes her mind.

 

I once asked her straight to tell me , for my benefit , that nothing would ever happen between us - her reply was "I cant say it wont". Even after forcing the point a bit more she refused to say it would never happen - adding that she had often thought about it.

 

At the same time - she is genuinely worried that mutual frends will view her as "leading me on".

[daphne]

Ja,

 

She's stringing you along. She's selfish because she won't let you do what you need to do to take care of herself. She simply wants the attention and intimacy you provide her as a girlfriend. You're not her boyfriend, you've been reduced to the girlfriend role. I can't say I haven't done this to a lot of guys, because I'd be lying. That's why I know exactly what she's doing. The difference is, I let the guy go when he's uncomfortable with it.

 

Honestly, once you stop providing her the emotional support she needs, you will become useless to her. Unless in the off chance that you're strong enough to find someone else to date seriously and she realizes she blew it. This happens, but very rarely. Plus, you don't want to hurt an innocent person in the cross fire.

 

You need to move on and cut the friendship to a minimum. You are in a no win situation unless you can honestly eliminate all romantic feelings for her, which we both know you can't.

[Ja5e]

Yeah , I know youre right :-(

 

Just had a night out with her ( was arranged before xmas ) , typically it was a great night out and I should be feeling great about having such a night out with the person i love , but feel strangely empty now I'm home after dropping her at her place.

 

i guess now I've gone and made it just a little bit harder for me to now cut ties with her , should've made an excuse and not gone out tonight.

 

people we got chatting to made it slightly worse for me - didnt know them,complete strangers to us , but they chatted away to us assuming we were together , she didnt put them straight - so I did when she went to powder her nose. She seemed a little peeved about that when she returned to our table and realised I'd told the others. Go figure?