UPDATE..I really need all the advice here

[Eddie]

I need some help again here. this message is an update from the first message i posted, with the subject "i really need all the advice here" dated friday, 3 august 2001, at 10:28 a.m., regarding my gf being spoil and disrepectful of her mom.

 

i've talked to my gf about it and since i was affected by her behavior, my attitude towards her was affected also which led her feel that i don't love her anymore. she started crying and she told me that the reason for her behavior is bcoz she and her mom are used to it since she was a child. and that she doesn't see herself doing it to me. she begs me to give her a chance to change and she kept telling me that she won't ever treat me the way she treats her mom, and besides she always listens to me. well, to be honest, she does listen whenever i ask or tell her about something. should i believe that she will change and won't treat me the same thing? can such behavior change?

 

now, that's only part of the problem. this is what's confusing me right now. the incident doesn't only made me think about how her behavior will affect our relationship but it also made me think about the WHOLE relationship.

 

you see, from the start, my parents and her side of the family are very much against our relationship. her dad had arranged someone to marry her way before we met each other but she don't like the guy and we already talked about running away once the marriage is near. on my side of the family, my parents doesn't give me any allowance anymore and won't let me use the car they gave to me, when i'm going to see my gf. we only see each other once a week coz i don't want to hear scolding from my side of the family if i will see her more than once a week but we talk on the phone every night.

 

we are both insecure about the relationship. i don't let her go out coz of fear she might find someone and she doesn't let me go out as well coz she fear that i might find someone new.

 

since my parents will never accept our relationship coz i know them, i went to look for a job. the country i lived in is experiencing a big economic crisis, and it took me several months before finding a job, but the pay is so small that i can't even support myself much more to support my gf when we run away 1.5yrs from now. i know 1.5yrs is still far away and i might get a better job, but the way the situation here is and length of time before finding a job, it made me think on the negative side than the positive side.

 

i thought of ending the relationship now rather than wait 1.5yrs to realize that we won't make it thus wasting more time, but i don't know how to end it bcoz i know it will hurt her very much and when she starts crying i'll feel bad coz i still love her.

 

another reason i'm reluctant in ending it is bcoz i've made her hope and made her expect already that it's going to us in the end whatever happens. she's already 18 when she had me as her first bf and she wants me to be the first and the last and i've made her expect that. she even told me that she will always love me even if we were poor as long as were together but with our situation i don't know if we'll survived. i made so many promises to her and she's expecting all of my promises to come true. she kept telling me that she can't do without me. i'm at a lost, i feel that if i don't end it now we might part ways if we can't make it in the end thus wasting more time but i don't want to hurt her. i'm so confused. what should i do?

 

here are my questions:

 

1.) is it proper to end the relationship now even if we still love each other just to prevent any problems in the end and probably more heartaches?

 

2.) am i being selfish for thinking of ending the relationship?

 

3.) i know i'm wrong for making so much promises, will i be the bad guy should the relationship end?

 

4.) is there other way for the relationship to survive?

 

5.) how can i end it properly without hurting her so much?

 

i still love her but the thought of our future is bothering me that it led me to consider ending it rather than waste more time and find out in the end it will not be us. it will be more painful as well. is my way of thinking reasonable?

 

any help and advice will be very much appreciated. please help me, i'm so confused...

[sparkle]

here are my questions:

1.) is it proper to end the relationship now even if we still love each other just to prevent any problems in the end and probably more heartaches?

Everyone who replied to your earlier post already told you to RUN, and get the heck out of this relationship. So

 

So don't worry at all about whether it's proper to end it even though you love her. Not only is it proper to do so, it is probably the BEST thing to do.

 

The fact that you are even considering ending the relationship means that there is definitely something wrong, and you need to get out ASAP.

2.) am i being selfish for thinking of ending the relationship?

It's YOUR relationship. It's YOUR life. It involves YOU. If you think you're being selfish, who cares?? You have every right to be selfish when it comes to wanting to be in a happy and healthy relationship.

3.) i know i'm wrong for making so much promises, will i be the bad guy should the relationship end?

Everyone makes promises in a relationship. You know how many times my boyfriends have asked me to promise them not to ever leave them, or promise them I'd marry them? Or how many promises they've made to me? Once a relationship is ready to come to an end, all your promises become void. So don't worry about that.

4.) is there other way for the relationship to survive?

Possibly, but you will have to sacrifice your happiness.

5.) how can i end it properly without hurting her so much?

I haven't heard of a single break-up where neither partner was hurt by it. There's no way around it. People will get hurt. Not only will she feel hurt, I'm sure you will also.

 

But you can lessen the hurt by being polite and nice when you break up with her. Meet her in person. Say something along the lines of: "I care about you very much and this is hard for me to say. But our relationship is not working out and I cannot continue it any longer. I gave it some time to see if things would get better or if we could work them out, but we couldn't. I'm sorry for hurting you..."

 

Keep it simple and short. Don't argue or yell, but also don't sit there for hours trying to break up with her either. Tell her what you have to, and then get out of there.

[midori]

here are my questions: 1.) is it proper to end the relationship now even if we still love each other just to prevent any problems in the end and probably more heartaches?

 

2.) am i being selfish for thinking of ending the relationship?

If you feel that it's not likely that the relationship will work out in the long run then it would be selfish to continue. It would also be foolish. Love is a wonderful thing and if it also put bread on the table and solved the daily problems of life, the world would be a much happier place I'm sure. Unfortunately that's not the case. You have a responsibility to yourself and to the woman you love to be realistic. It's all well and good to be willing to undertake hardship for the sake of love -- but you must be willing to recognize the specifics of the hardships you would face in pursuing this love, and then decide whether or not you honestly think you could successfully get through those hardships.

 

It's a question of capacity: do you have the capacity to make a life for yourself and your girlfriend without the support of your families? It doesn't sound like you do. So that's the first problem, and love isn't going to solve it. And from what you posted earlier about your gf's laziness where her homework, etc. are concerned, I don't think you could count on her contributing anything on that front. Can you shoulder that burden alone? Do you really see your gf happily living in poverty -- happy just to be with you? How would she be after a year of living in a one-room hovel, with no one to cook for her, clean for her, etc? How would she be once you two start to have children? Just contemplate that for a moment.

3.) i know i'm wrong for making so much promises, will i be the bad guy should the relationship end?

In her eyes, undoubtedly yes -- at least at first. And if she's an immature, self-centered person given to melodrama, she might always hold a grudge. Which would you prefer, to have a former love who can't forgive you for being realistic, or to have a wife who resents the circumstances she has to endure because you married her? You'd have to deal with a resentful wife every day, year after year. I shudder just at the thought of such a life.

 

You said:

i made so many promises to her and she's expecting all of my promises to come true.

Where is it written that things must happen simply because people expect them to? Your gf seems to live a very sheltered existence but sooner or later she is bound to encounter disappointment. Better now than in five years when she's fed up with being poor and has three kids her family wouldn't accept even if they were willing to take her back after she eloped with you.

 

If she can't handle reality with grace and maturity, that will be her problem, not yours. What is SHE doing to improve your prospects of success? Nothing. The burden rests entirely upon you to "make it happen." She just passively waits and expects you to make her dreams come true (dreams which, by the way, are those of a naive girl who clearly has no idea what the real world is all about). Since the responsibility is all yours here, your judgement is what matters. You don't think it will work, plain and simple. And for what it's worth I agree with your assessment.

4.) is there other way for the relationship to survive?

Do you have any wealthy, indulgent relatives? Does she? I'm half-joking here. Even if you found the practical means that would allow you to pursue this relationship I still don't think your gf sounds like a very good candidate for marriage. The fact that she's fully aware of how unacceptable her treatment of her mother is -- yet she persists in treating her so -- is the clearest sign you could ask for that this girl is not going to be any different with you.

5.) how can i end it properly without hurting her so much?

I'm afraid there's no way that she -- and you! -- will emerge from this unhurt. Sooner or later. Later will be far more complicated, emotionally and practically. Even if you just hang in for another year and a half and then admit, before running away, that it won't work, you and she will have invested that much more time and energy into something doomed to end. You know now that it's not going to work. Why prolong your agony and her hopes?

i still love her but the thought of our future is bothering me that it led me to consider ending it rather than waste more time and find out in the end it will not be us. it will be more painful as well. is my way of thinking reasonable?

Yes, I'm afraid it is. It's an awful thing to recognize that love is not enough sometimes. I've been having to deal with that myself and it's very hard to accept, let alone move on from. But ignoring reality will not spare you from its consequences. You are being wise, mature and considerate. You are older than your gf and know much more about the way things in the real world work. Now is the time to be strong and do what you know is right. She will blame you at first, certainly. Maybe she'll always blame you. That's up to her. But don't let that prevent you from doing what you know is right for both of you.

 

Good luck