How to let go of the anger?

[dgiirl]

I have anxiety, and it usually comes out when I'm angry, so this is really tough for me. It's almost a year and i've done quiet a lot of healing. I've had some good days, even weeks! I'm not even crying as much as I use to. Now, i cry maybe a few seconds every few weeks, as opposed to every single minute every single day for months. But I still find myself thinking about things that were said and things that he did. I've still kept his secret of his affair from the people who unknowningly introduced them. I still keep in contact with these friends. I dont blame them for anything. But I feel like I've been forced to keep my side of the story a secret as to not hurt them or to come off as the bitter ex wife. I just want to let go of the past. But I'm still angry. Lonely and angry. I replay everything that he told me the night he left and the days after. Some days I truely dont care. I want to keep that feeling instead of this anger.

[Art_Critic]

I have always gotten rid of my anger by sinking myself into large projects that keep me physically worn out

[Woggle]

Take that anger and redirect it into energy to imrove your life. That's what I did.

[Outcast]

I replay everything that he told me the night he left and the days after

 

Stop doing that!!!! That's just torturing yourself. I agree with the others - find something constructive to occupy your mind.

[dgiirl]

Stop doing that!!!! That's just torturing yourself. I agree with the others - find something constructive to occupy your mind.

 

i KNOW it's torture... if i could stop doing it, i'd do it

 

The thing is, when i concentrate on other things, it gets worse. Like if i'm cleaning, all this anger comes out. If i'm reading, my mind wanders again. Maybe i have add? lol The more i concentrate on something, the more I think about it.

[RC-]

dgiirl,

 

Part of your problem might be due to the fact that you are hiding this from your friends. You are putting them before yourself, that's admirable but not recommended. These are your friends, they should not judge you and you have every right to be bitter! They themselves are not responsible, they didn't play match maker with your husband and the OW. The longer you keep these things inside of you the harder this is going to get. You are heading in the right direction as far as your healing, getting this out in the open with your friends can make a huge difference. Best of Luck!

 

RC

[GuySimple]

Start to concentrate on discovering you. Try new things whatever they may be in your life. Start with simple things like music, movies, books, food.

 

I agree with Art Critic, make yourself busy. You don’t have to exhaust yourself but even redecorate your house.

 

Rather than trying to forget the hurt and pain, take some time and figure out why you are hurt and what happened. Tell yourself that you are doing it for the next time, not to save anything but just for you. Too often I find that people say to forget the hurt and pain but that just means postponing it. Just deal with it differently, learn from it, use it as a tool to discovery. It is not easy but it may help. In the end it will make you stronger.

 

Someone suggested a book to me which helped me a lot. It is on meditation but is really basis stuff. It is called “Wherever You Go There You Are” by Kabat-Zinn. It is about simply looking at yourself and figuring out what makes you tick.

 

What is funny about relationships is that we spend a lot of time and energy trying to figure out the other person and very little time figuring ourselves out. The ironic thing is they are doing the same thing so basically you have two people who don’t know who they are trying to figure each other out, no wonder relationships breakdown so often.

[dgiirl]

RC, thank you for your post. I agree. But i dont know what to do. This couple was initially his friends, which became our couple friends. We did a lot together. They are keeping in contact with me (in fact I'm having lunch with them today). I initially kept it quiet because 1) i was way to angry, 2) i was planning on moving to another city. We dont see each other that often, and probably never again if I move, but anytime I do have communication with them, i keep being reminded of my anger. Half of me wants to tell them, but I dont know how to tell them without making them feel bad. I dont even have proof that my exh and her had a physical affair. They're "just friends". But when my exh revealed her, he said "I met someone", "I feel like i'm cheating on her, being with you", "I want to pursue this relationship with her", "If E ever finds out, he'll hate me". (E is his friend who my exh was helping at his office when he met this OW). And now, it's been so long, I dont even know if she's in the picture anymore. It doesnt even matter. I just want the anger to go.

 

I have told ppl in my life what he did. Just all of MY friends from before the marriage. Just not this couple.

[dgiirl]

GS, I've done so much self reflection this past year it makes me sick just thinking about doing more. All that advice helped me in the beginning. It helped me not lose my mind and i was able to grieve and heal a lot. But lately, I'm just in a dull. I cannot figure out who I am, and I'm tired of trying. I'm trying to "fix" something that I dont even know what to fix. What I need to figure out is how to just be myself and not worry so much about what others think. Stop trying to be "perfect" and just say "screw the world, this is who I am".

 

What is funny about relationships is that we spend a lot of time and energy trying to figure out the other person and very little time figuring ourselves out. The ironic thing is they are doing the same thing so basically you have two people who don’t know who they are trying to figure each other out, no wonder relationships breakdown so often.

 

lol that's pretty funny, and true. Thanks for sharing that

[RC-]

In order to bring clarity to the situation for your own sake, talk to them about it as you are with me right now. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by doing it. This is a key trigger point that will cause a great deal of relief. Please try it.

[dgiirl]

I dont see them that often, so how do I go about doing that? Email? Phone? In person? I just had dinner with them and I had a very nice time. A few times it popped into my head, but I would have to deliberately bring it up, and we all try to steer clear of talking about him. I dont want to seem petty or bitter. Plus, I do have things to lose by telling them. I might make them feel they need to choose. They might not want to know. Plus, the OW is this friend's employee (atleast was, and possibly still is). It is definitely a trigger in me, but I cant justify telling them without feeling like i'm being petty or selfish.

[Becoming]

I can see why you don't want to tell them. Sounds reasonable. Your anger doesn't have to do with them anyway, right? So why would you?

 

The original question about how to get past the anger is a really good one. I don't find distraction helpful for anything more than a distraction because the anger's still there when I get done with the project, etc.

 

Instead, I find I have to try to get in touch with what the anger is trying to tell me about me. Anger is usually about a desire for justice and feeling like we've been violated, which, of course you were. Your trust was violated, and it's just not right. It's understandable that you're angry about that.

 

But now it sounds like the anger is no longer useful in telling you your needs for justice and safety have been violated--like, you get it already! But it's still there, right?

 

I'm facing a lot of the same anger I no longer want or need in my life that's leftover from being mistreated by others. What I discovered in my case was an anger toward myself for letting myself be mistreated by others, just standing and taking it as though I deserved it. I'm learning to recognize what my anger is trying to tell me I need to do in order to establish much-needed healthy boundaries, which is really hard for me and anyone whose trust has been shattered, as it sounds like yours was. In other words, I'm making friends with my anger, honoring what it's trying to tell me about myself, and it's dissipating.

 

GS is right on the money about trying to figure ourselves out in a relationship! Thanks for that crucial observation stated in such a way that we can enjoy the humorous irony.

[dgiirl]

I can see why you don't want to tell them. Sounds reasonable. Your anger doesn't have to do with them anyway, right? So why would you?

 

Yah, i'm not angry with them at all. I dont blame them for my exh's actions.

 

Instead, I find I have to try to get in touch with what the anger is trying to tell me about me. Anger is usually about a desire for justice and feeling like we've been violated, which, of course you were. Your trust was violated, and it's just not right. It's understandable that you're angry about that.

 

But now it sounds like the anger is no longer useful in telling you your needs for justice and safety have been violated--like, you get it already! But it's still there, right?

 

I'm facing a lot of the same anger I no longer want or need in my life that's leftover from being mistreated by others. What I discovered in my case was an anger toward myself for letting myself be mistreated by others, just standing and taking it as though I deserved it. I'm learning to recognize what my anger is trying to tell me I need to do in order to establish much-needed healthy boundaries, which is really hard for me and anyone whose trust has been shattered, as it sounds like yours was. In other words, I'm making friends with my anger, honoring what it's trying to tell me about myself, and it's dissipating.

 

Wow, this is so so true. Especially how I was blindsighted by his request for a divorce, and all the nasty things he told me the night he left. It was a total violation of my safety. And I just sat there believing every horrible word he said to me and didnt stand up for myself.

 

Right now, I just want peace. I want to let go. I'm tired of being angry.

 

Thank you for that insight. I will keeping reading and re-reading it. Hopefully it'll sink in.

[Becoming]

Remind me of it when I need it, ok?

 

It takes a long time to get over being blindsided like you were. And in a sense you never really do.

 

If it takes an average of two years to recover from a loved-one's death, and folks say divorce is worse, then . . . . just hang on and enjoy what you can in the moments you can. It's all just part of the healing.