lost

[lost/found?]

I guess iam looking to vent or to get some words of encouragement. My exgf of 5 years and i have been broken up for almost 3 months. For the first 2 months i made all the mistakes at trying to get her back despite the advice I was getting from this site and other people.

 

I finally decided to let it go and wait until she contacted me so i could be sure that it was her wanting to talk to me. It has been almost 2 weeks since we last spoke and it's starting to really hurt to think that someone you spent 5 years of your life with doesn't want to know how your doing.

 

I do know that she cares deeply for me and has to sort things out on her terms and that would be impossible if i keep contacting her. She needs to come to me and give me a definite answer as to yes or no. Although we broke up whenver the idea of getting back together comes up I get replies such as I'm not ready or I need time or I don't know what will happen in 1 month 2 months or a year from now. I realize that i am somewhat grasping at straws here but those comments lead me to believe that it is not out of the question whether or not she will get back together with me, (which i would love) unlikely but it's not a no chance in hell. I have taken this breakup pretty hard and done alot of reflection as to what went wrong. I know the mistakes that I made and honestly believe if given another chance those issues will not arise again.

 

I have been trying hard to let go but i seem to be running in circles, it feels as if i have to start my entire life over again and i keep looking back to what i had then and the pieces I am left with now. I took what I had for granted and now it's all gone and i am having a real hard time getting back on track. I keep beating myself up over my mistakes and I do not know what to do to get my mind off all this s***. It's really beginning to take it's toll mentally and I have way to much time on my hands due to the fact that I am currently unemployed. I am having a hard time getting motivated to get out there and get my life back on track.

 

I guess I just needed to vent but any advice or encouragement would greatly be apprecited. Thank you all

[oss91]

When someone drops that bomb - let's break up, I need space, etc. - after 5 or more years in a relationship it really sucks. It's hard having that talk after dating someone for only a few weeks, let alone years. I don't know the situation, and I'm not going to read your previous posts to find out, but maybe she simply wants to be on her own for a while and explore other options. Try not to let it get you down b/c it probably has little to do with you - again, I don't know much about the situation so I'm just guessing.

 

It's normal for people to want to hang out with different folks from time to time. I need a break from my everyday friends sometimes, and I've even needed time away from the girls I dated. Doesn't mean I don't enjoy their company, but hey, "variety is the spice of life." I know it sucks, but nearly all relationships that last more than a year will go through this event where one person breaks up and gets rid of the other person. You must stay calm and try not to take it personally. There's really no other way to evaluate the true strength of the relationship without breaking up and going separate ways. While in a relationship, it's very hard to be honest and objective about things. IMO, breaking up is the only way to accurately assess whether y'all truly like hanging out and being together, or whether you stayed together for some other reason - such as a fear of being single, etc.

 

That being said, you dated for five years. You haven't talked in two weeks. It may seem like a long time now, but let's be realistic, it's only two weeks. In the grand scheme of things, it's not even a blip on the radar screen. How many people that you really care about have you not talked to in the past couple of weeks? Probably quite a few. You may go another two weeks without talking. It's OK, so let it happen. If you're sure she still has feelings for you, that means she is also thinking about you, but trying to see what things would be like if you are not around -and this is the only way to find out. She'll eventually get back in touch with you because she'll be curious how you've been, and really curious why you haven't been chasing her and banging down her door asking for favors just like every other guy. You don't chase and beg friends to hang out with you when it's obvious they're just not in the mood to hang out, do you? This is no different.

 

Be strong. Be a man and continue pursuing your goals regardless of her actions - it's a very attractive quality if you're able to do that. As for trying to get her off your mind, start exercising every day. Lift weights, go for a run, play golf, whatever. It's amazing what those endorphins will do for you.

 

People change. You know that. You're not the same person you are now that you were in highschool, the beginning of college, the end of college, and right after college. People go in different directions, meet different people, and explore all that life has to offer. That being said, it is true that people change, but only so much. At the core level, everyone remains basically unchanged throughout their lives regardless of surroundings and experiences. There's the core personality, and then there are the outer, lesser traits that change due to things like environment.

 

The relationship may have run its course. If that ends up being the case, just be thankful you had five years together in which you both shared so much and intimately got to know another human being. That's a special bond that will never be forgotten by either of you. So take all you have learned from her about life and keep moving forward.

 

However, this may just be a speed bump in the life of y'alls relationship. You may each go separate ways for a while and then realize what you each have in one another and how special that connection truly is. If that's the case, congratulations. You may look back one day and laugh at this situation. But regardless of what happens, you cannot afford to sit around feeling sorry for yourself and wishing things were as they used to be. That's the past, and life keeps moving. Either embrace the change and look at it as a challenge, or find yourself a few years down the road wondering what the hell happened to your life.

 

Cheers.

[lost/found?]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a long and insightful post oss91. I really appreciate all that you have said and I hope this all turns out to be a bump on the road of my relationship but if not i will be prepared for the worst.

[oss91]

No problem man. I'm going through the same things you are at the moment. Just stay calm and don't become another one of the creepy, sleazy guys banging down her door asking for a favor. It's flattering at first and she may even fall for it, but like anything, it gets old once she realizes the attention she is getting from guys is not the kind of attention - respectful and caring attention - she is really seeking.