Update(I really need all the advice here.)

[Eddie]

I've finally broke up with my gf and i felt very bad about it coz i know how much she's hurt.

 

i told her about my thoughts of what our future might be should i not have enough money for us to run away, and we'll be wasting more time and it will be more painful. she was upset that i thought of such, bcoz we already talked about it that we will run away and be together even if we don't have a single cent. so she ask me if i wanted to end it, and to hurry up. it took me close to an hour to decide coz i don't like to end it and part of it bcoz i don't want her to get hurt. so after her nagging, i've finally decided to call it quits and she cried. and she kept telling me how bad a person i am for making her hope. she also told me that if the relationship should end, she'll regret that she met me coz all she ever wanted was to have a bf who will be her first and last. that's why she's already 18 when she have me as her first bf.

 

i really felt very bad on the things she said about me, but i can't blame her coz it's my fault that i made those promises. i know she's expecting all of my promises even if she had a wierd behavior towards her mother. i know also that she had love me but i ended up hurting her.

 

when i finally end it, she begs me to reconsider and she kept telling me that she's only joking for nagging me to make a decision bcoz she likes to know if i will really end it or not. i almost reconsidered and almost took my words back but when she told me that she refuse to let go that's where i stood firm on my decision. coz i was afraid that she might be up to no good. she kept telling me that she can't do without me.

 

of all the things she said to me, the one i don't like is, she accused me of destroying her life because she expects all my promises to come true and she expects that no matter what, it will be us in the end, that's why she gave her virginity to me. here in our country, virginity is still considered sacred that's why i felt bad when she told me that i destroyed her life. i regret that i made love to her. she even ask me if i believe in karma(what goes around, comes around).

 

is it a mistake that i made love to her? did i make the right move? coz my consience is bothering me.

 

i would appreciate any comments on what happened.

 

thanks you for those who gave me their advice.

[midori]

You said:

of all the things she said to me, the one i don't like is, she accused me of destroying her life because she expects all my promises to come true

&

is it a mistake that i made love to her? did i make the right move? coz my consience is bothering me.

Your ex-gf is trying to get you to assume responsibility for everything, as if she wasn't an active participant in your relationship. She let you make love to her. Were you lying to her at the time, when you believed you had a future together? No. Your promises were not made in bad faith, but now you have more insight into the nature of what you're confronting and you've realized that you cannot keep those promises. Maybe you're guilty of not having had enough foresight to appreciate the obstacles that lay ahead of you, perhaps if you'd realized the impossibility of the situation sooner you wouldn't have pursued her, made love to her, etc. But love tends to blind people to harsh facts. Now you're being honest in admitting that the relationship does not have a future. At any point in your interaction with your ex gf, were your intentions ever not good? You were wrong about it lasting. We all make mistakes. But she shares equally in whatever blame there is: she was equally blind to reality, she too chose to engage in pre-marital sex (perfectly common in some places but not where you are).

 

She's trying to use guilt to keep you attached to her. Guilt is never a reason to be with someone. Her life is not destroyed, she'll recover from this I'm sure. And you will too. It's probably best to keep contact with her to a minimum so that you can each recover and move on.

[Marzipan]

Hi,

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. If you feel you needed to break up with her then I think you did the right thing. You will probably feel guilty for a little while, can't help that. I think you should probably keep your distance from her. It's understandable that she was upset and nobody can tell you whether or not it was wrong to make love to her. While you were together, I don't think it was wrong if that is what you mean. You're at this stage where you seem to be trying to find out where you went wrong and you can't do that. Try not to think about it because if you do it will drive you crazy. I think her actions during the break up are pretty normal and her not wanting to let go is also very normal so try not to take her too seriously when she says she won't accept it. The best thing you can do about that is try to keep your distance right now. That's hard to do but if you broke up then you need to do it.

 

You should expect her to be hurt and resentful. This is a painful thing for both of you. She doesn't sound like she will go crazy or anything, people say all kinds of irrational things when they are upset so I wouldn't pay too much attention to her not wanting to let go, etc. Also: remember that this is a lot like those 12 step programs, denial is one of those stages that people go through in the end of a relationship so I'm sure that's part of it in her case.

 

Unlike you, I was broke up with and I can tell you it does hurt and she probably will be angry with you or resent you for a while. The thing to remember is that you are no longer together and she will have her own friends and family to help her through this so you need to let her be.

 

Don't try to call her or contact her or go through any of her friends to find out how she is. Doing that will not only make things harder but also more painful for the both of you. She may hear things about you that she doesn't need to know and vice versa for you. Just remember that you are both in really vulnerable states right now and if you really feel you did the right thing by breaking up then you need to not have contact with her for a while. She's going to need lots of time to get used to the idea that you and she are no longer a couple and you will too I am sure.

 

If your conscience is bothering you then put it to rest! People make dozens of promises when they are in a relationship. I know you're probably thinking "...but what about this and how I told her that..." You can't worry about promises you made when you were in the relationship, they become null and void when it's over and she will understand that soon enough. It's normal to feel bad you wouldn't be human if you didn't. Think about the reasons why you broke it off. Obviously they were strong enough that you felt you needed to do this. Stand by your decision and keep your distance.

 

Try not to interfere with her for a while so that she doesn't get mixed signals from your end. The best thing you can do right now is give her time to think about things and yourself as well.

 

Hope that helps.

 

Marz

I've finally broke up with my gf and i felt very bad about it coz i know how much she's hurt.

 

i told her about my thoughts of what our future might be should i not have enough money for us to run away, and we'll be wasting more time and it will be more painful. she was upset that i thought of such, bcoz we already talked about it that we will run away and be together even if we don't have a single cent. so she ask me if i wanted to end it, and to hurry up. it took me close to an hour to decide coz i don't like to end it and part of it bcoz i don't want her to get hurt. so after her nagging, i've finally decided to call it quits and she cried. and she kept telling me how bad a person i am for making her hope. she also told me that if the relationship should end, she'll regret that she met me coz all she ever wanted was to have a bf who will be her first and last. that's why she's already 18 when she have me as her first bf. i really felt very bad on the things she said about me, but i can't blame her coz it's my fault that i made those promises. i know she's expecting all of my promises even if she had a wierd behavior towards her mother. i know also that she had love me but i ended up hurting her.

 

when i finally end it, she begs me to reconsider and she kept telling me that she's only joking for nagging me to make a decision bcoz she likes to know if i will really end it or not. i almost reconsidered and almost took my words back but when she told me that she refuse to let go that's where i stood firm on my decision. coz i was afraid that she might be up to no good. she kept telling me that she can't do without me. of all the things she said to me, the one i don't like is, she accused me of destroying her life because she expects all my promises to come true and she expects that no matter what, it will be us in the end, that's why she gave her virginity to me. here in our country, virginity is still considered sacred that's why i felt bad when she told me that i destroyed her life. i regret that i made love to her. she even ask me if i believe in karma(what goes around, comes around). is it a mistake that i made love to her? did i make the right move? coz my consience is bothering me. i would appreciate any comments on what happened.

 

thanks you for those who gave me their advice.