2manyQs Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 I just recently found out that my boyfriend has a problem with porn. I have caught him a few times and he just lies to me about it. I have evidence to prove that he was looking at the porn and he still lied until I started naming the sights that he went to and then he just makes excuses. He has told me that most of them are celebrities but some of them are not. He said that he looks at them because they are in a different category from me and that he gets the urge to look at pictures or videos sometimes and so he does. I have done everything that I possibly could to keep him sexually satisfied and that is not enough. I work out and I thought that he was happy with my body and our sex life. I don't understand why he would want to fantasize about other women. I do everything that I can think of to keep him happy with me and it just isn't enough! My self esteem has been shattered because of this and I don't know if I can ever forget that he gets the urge to look at these things. He tells me that he loves me and that I am the only one that he wants to be with but how can I believe that when he wants to fantasize about being with other women? Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 Search on 'porn' on LS. Every week there's another thread about it. There are a flock of females who believe, wrongly, that their bfs are 'addicted' to porn just because they look at pictures of women. Men have been looking at pictures of women since men could draw on cave walls. If you can't handle that, find an ultra-relgious guy or a prude to go out with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
barfool Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 Unless he stops having sex with you to look at the porn then he is not addicted. In most situations there is nothing that a woman can do to get a guy to stop. Not that the guy should stop anyway. Men are very visual and extremely sexual. Even in a very healthy relationship with someone they love they will still masturbate and look at porn. It has nothing to do with how he feels about you. The only thing I would be worried about is the lying. He should have no reason to lie about what he is doing. It is nothing to be ashamed of. But why were you snooping anyway? All you are going to do in this situation is push him away. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 The reason he lies is because she insists on believing that it's 'addiction' and probably 'cheating' and he can't manage to talk her out of being unreasonable. She'll always freak out if she finds the horrible porn so he attempts to hide it from her to avoid the predictable freakouts. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 If you can't handle that, find an ultra-relgious guy or a prude to go out with. Not every man that does not get into porn is religious or a prude. That is making a very stereotypical statement for sure. a4a- who does not mind porn as long as the porn peeps are not gross Link to post Share on other sites
beentheredonethat2 Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 This is the first time I've disagreed with Outcast. It may not be a "porn addiction", but there is NOTHING more hurtful to a woman --which you are not--than to know your body is not enough. Guys suck if all they do is look at other women, whether they know them or not, especially naked. Women have issues with their bodies BECAUSE of this bull@#$# with this whole media for men thing. It's like a whole category of magazines, websites, movies, nudie magazines, all which comfort guys into thinking this is perfectly normal, since there's so much of it around. My bf had bikini girls as screen savers, and got rid of them as soon as I saw them. Another had gotten rid of his whole collection of stupid magazines. Well at least he told me that, they're not in the house anymore anyway. It simply disgusts me. I think it would be a different story if the two of you go to a kinky store together and get some fun sex toys, and mutually get some porn to play with. No one can be mad here, because it will be both men and women, and the two of you agreed to purchase it. If you find you don't like it, say so. Stick to the other kinky stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
beentheredonethat2 Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 oh and i'm sure he wouldn't be hurt if she got a big hankin dildo, his little dicky might feel a bit neglected and not good enough. hmm...... that's how a girl feels, except mostly about her boobs. Link to post Share on other sites
heya Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 EXACTLY MY SENTIMENTS….. I am so fricken TIRED of women having to DEAL with and accept the porno situation…..WE SHOULDN’T HAVE TO…….Bottom line, its not fair…..Why should it be fair to sit there and wank off to OTHER women? How is that not considered cheating??????? Hello, you are LUSTING after another woman!! It doesn’t matter if she is in a book or on the internet or in a store……ITS NOT FAI R…… What beentheredonethat2 said is right on the money: “Women have issues with their bodies BECAUSE of this bull@#$# with this whole media for men thing. It's like a whole category of magazines, websites, movies, nudie magazines, all which comfort guys into thinking this is perfectly normal, since there's so much of it around.” And the fact that she exercises so she can look good for HIM is proof enough…it’s a rat race…..and I am tired of men getting away with it….. I am considered to be a good looking gal, but in the past I STRIVED to look the best to the point where it made me sick…physically, mentally, it was EXHAUSTING to try to keep up with it all, just so my man would appreciate me…..its disgusting and unfair…and I have had enough…… Tell that little weak jerk that if he cant get a grip on anything besides his d*&^ then maybe he doesnt deserve you........... Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 To the three of you 1. It is pitiful and insulting to the men who love you to think they love you solely for your bodies 2. If you want a decent relationship, you'd never have a man who was with you ONLY because of your appearance and would drop you because you don't look like a porn star 3. You assume the men lust for the porn stars INSTEAD OF YOU. That is wrong. Ask your man sometime if he'd rather one of them than you. 4. It is absolutely NOT TRUE that this bothers 'all women'. It bothers people who are cripplingly insecure about themselves and who have bought into all the bullshxt about men wanting women only for looks that the beauty industry has sold. What's needed is a little maturity and the understanding that quality people seek quality in personality and that can be found in women of all shapes and sizes and flaws. 5. It's beyond pathetic that women would prefer to hold on to false beliefs (that 'beauty' is everything) rather than to understand the marketing industry has played a game with their brains, reject all that bs, and understand that their men WANT AND LOVE them and no two-dimensional image can possibly change that. Link to post Share on other sites
beentheredonethat2 Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 This is not just something insecure women say, Outcast. From the very earliest years of life what are women taught by society to enjoy? Dolls, makeup, just take a walk through the girl's toys section. Barbies, clothes. As a tomboy who would rather punch a jerk in the jaw and get dirty playing tackle football than sit around and "talk" I find this particularly offensive. Girls are socially conditioned to care about their appearance from the very beginning, I mean what is ballet all about or tap or jazz or cheerleading? It's not about competition it's about showing your body. So don't blame women for feeling insecure because we live in a paternistic society, created by and for men. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 If you reject the ills of society, then don't fall prey to the message it sends you. And find a like-minded bf. Why would you want some guy who bought into the bs (assuming you even have one)? Be an independent woman and refuse to be threatened by others just because they are models or whatever. Cripes - it takes several hours of makeup , special lighting, and all sorts of stylists for photo/movie shoots. If you've ever seen photos of those stars without all that, they'd look just like you or even worse. Don't buy the BS! Be your own self and let him look because you know it's your bed he's in and that's because he wants to be there. Don't you look at Brad Pitt or Heath Ledger or Jude Law? Would you want them in your bed instead of your bf? I kind of suspect that the most jealous women are the ones who aren't that satisfied with their own guys and project their dissatisfaction onto the guys. Link to post Share on other sites
beentheredonethat2 Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 Paternalistic, rather...I retract that verbage. I have to agree in only one way with the men on this, they are animals just as us females are, and if you look at the trend in nature, very rarely do you find a species that mates for life. Typically a male has many more partners and is always on the lookout for a new hot-mamma to procreate with. So in a way, the inability to find one woman fully satisfying goes back to nature. Females mate and procreate and care for young a majority of their lives (often solo after the actual mating process), and for the success of the species the male has to find many females. ??? Still hurts tho. I guess I figure any guy's gonna check out other women in public, it's unavoidable. But naked women is a whole other ball game. Link to post Share on other sites
mel777 Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 Bravo Outkast!!!! Seriously you women need to relax! Are you telling me you never fantasize about bradd pitt going down on you while using your vibrator. (Even better if Angelina jolie is in the fantasy) I get turned on by porn, woman included does this mean my boyfriend isn't enough for me. Should he go and change his body perhaps get some t*ts? Of course not. It just means that I can get turned on by a variety of things and that lookign at beautiful woman with gorgeous bodies are a turn on. But I'm secure enough to know that if a man has decided to be with me he has accepted my little budda belly and finds me hot despite any flaws I have. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 That 'biology' argument has been made numerous times - and discounted. If you look into nature, you'll find that the females mate with numerous mates, too. So that argument is bogus. In nature, it's the males that are the ones that have to worry about attracting females and not the other way around, BTW. It's the females that decide who to mate with based on whether the males have the better feathers or mane or whatever. And you don't see the male animals who don't get chosen going off and sulking. They just go find the female that does like their feathers. Men like to look at naked women - so what? They best like the naked women in their beds. Again, if you never laid eyes on any male movie star then you'd have a case - maybe. Can't women have fantasies of love and romance very easily without looking at naked men? Shouldn't the men object to women going to movies with hunky men in them? OF COURSE NOT!!!! Because in the end, you love your partner. You don't fall in love with pictures. You fall in love with the warm human being in your arms. Link to post Share on other sites
beentheredonethat2 Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 I so want to continue this will you be on at 3:30? I don't even know if we're helping our friend who posted this or not at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 If you want to continue on the topic of how women become insecure due to marketing, we're off-topic and you should start a new thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Jasmine909 Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 Its pretty simple. If you're bothered by it, break up with him, and find someone who shares your same views as porn. The problem is theres not alot of guys out there that will share that view. Or you accept it and come to terms with ther fact men are visual creatures and they look at things like this from time to time. Also if its a problem and you wanna make a point, log onto some porn with a bunch of men make sure your b/f knows this, see how he likes it. He will either be ticked off which is calling the kettle black, or he will be fine with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2manyQs Posted January 17, 2006 Author Share Posted January 17, 2006 Unless he stops having sex with you to look at the porn then he is not addicted. In most situations there is nothing that a woman can do to get a guy to stop. Not that the guy should stop anyway. Men are very visual and extremely sexual. Even in a very healthy relationship with someone they love they will still masturbate and look at porn. It has nothing to do with how he feels about you. The only thing I would be worried about is the lying. He should have no reason to lie about what he is doing. It is nothing to be ashamed of. But why were you snooping anyway? All you are going to do in this situation is push him away. I was not exactly snooping. I went to class for an hour and when I got back home I turned my computer on to check my e-mail. My history was open and I never look at my history so I thought that was weird. Somehow, what he had tried to erase in the history popped back up and I saw the porn site that he had looked at while I was in class. When I asked him about it, he freaked out and lied so I looked at the cookies on my computer and found tons of sites that he had been going to. He told me that he lied because he was embarrassed. How can you say that talking to my boyfriend about this is just going to push him away? Shouldn't people that care about each other be able to talk about things that bother them or that affect their relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2manyQs Posted January 17, 2006 Author Share Posted January 17, 2006 If you reject the ills of society, then don't fall prey to the message it sends you. And find a like-minded bf. Why would you want some guy who bought into the bs (assuming you even have one)? Be an independent woman and refuse to be threatened by others just because they are models or whatever. Cripes - it takes several hours of makeup , special lighting, and all sorts of stylists for photo/movie shoots. If you've ever seen photos of those stars without all that, they'd look just like you or even worse. Don't buy the BS! Be your own self and let him look because you know it's your bed he's in and that's because he wants to be there. Don't you look at Brad Pitt or Heath Ledger or Jude Law? Would you want them in your bed instead of your bf? I kind of suspect that the most jealous women are the ones who aren't that satisfied with their own guys and project their dissatisfaction onto the guys. Before I found out that my boyfriend was wacking off to pictures of other women, I never had a problem with my body. Since I met him, I have been working out and taking good care of myself because I want to be around long enough to enjoy a life with him. The fact that he would rather fantasize about these women than to have sex with me bothers me. Now, I feel like I am not good enough for him. I may look at Brad Pitt and think that he is hot but I would definitely rather have my boyfriend in my bed. He can look at movie stars or other girls and think that they are hot, it is the fact that he fantasizes about them that bothers me. I would never look at pictures of naked men and masturbate to them. If I need to fulfill a sexual need, then I go to my boyfriend, not pictures of other men! Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2manyQs Posted January 17, 2006 Author Share Posted January 17, 2006 Its pretty simple. If you're bothered by it, break up with him, and find someone who shares your same views as porn. The problem is theres not alot of guys out there that will share that view. Or you accept it and come to terms with ther fact men are visual creatures and they look at things like this from time to time. Also if its a problem and you wanna make a point, log onto some porn with a bunch of men make sure your b/f knows this, see how he likes it. He will either be ticked off which is calling the kettle black, or he will be fine with it. I asked him how he would feel if I did that and he told me that it would bother him and make him feel insecure about himself. He worries about me going out with my friends without him or talking to any other guys. He can look at any girl that he wants in public but when he looks at naked pictures and masturbates to them I feel like he is crossing the line. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2manyQs Posted January 17, 2006 Author Share Posted January 17, 2006 Ok, so if looking at pictures of naked women and masturbating is okay, then looking at a naked woman in person and masturbating is okay too. I just don't see a difference in the two. Link to post Share on other sites
mel777 Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Before I found out that my boyfriend was wacking off to pictures of other women, I never had a problem with my body. I may look at Brad Pitt and think that he is hot but I would definitely rather have my boyfriend in my bed. First that is why we date men becuase htye are different. We can not expect them to be just like us. Just becuase you wouldn't look at pictures doesn't mean there is something wrong with him if he does. Also, you said that it wasn't until you found out your boyfirend was maturbating ti pictures that you had a problme with your bosy. This means you're still letting another persons actions define your self worth. If you were truly secure you wouldn't have problems with some pictures of other woman. You boyfriend sees woman more beautiful then you every day, no matter how attractive a woman is there is a prettier one out there, does he race to sleep with them. No! Obvioulsy he loves you and is attracted to you, he just likes a stress free, not having to reciprocate sexual experience with the aid of some porn. 2nd- Your boyfriend is the same way as to what you said about Brad Pitt. He may look at naked pictures of woman but he'd rather have you in his bed. get over this or move on. You can't force how you feel about something down his throat or that's what he'll end up dumping you for. Link to post Share on other sites
mel777 Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 . How can you say that talking to my boyfriend about this is just going to push him away? Shouldn't people that care about each other be able to talk about things that bother them or that affect their relationship? Talking is okay. Harping on the same subject and trying to get someone to change their opinion becuase you're not comfortbale with it isn't. Aconverstaion has a strat and a finish a lecture from a nagging girlfriend goes on forever and is what ends a relationship. Also, I do think it is reasonable to tell him he can not use your computer to look at porn. It's yours and you don't want stuff liek that on there. Link to post Share on other sites
mel777 Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Ok, so if looking at pictures of naked women and masturbating is okay, then looking at a naked woman in person and masturbating is okay too. I just don't see a difference in the two. Are you serious???? How old are you...I'm guessing 18-20. Regardless the difference is obviously the woman are not present, just in pictures...hence the fantasy!!! Secondly if a woman was willing to get naked in front of a man they would probabaly prefer a bj rather than just self gratification. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2manyQs Posted January 17, 2006 Author Share Posted January 17, 2006 I am 23 years old and I did not come to this site to be judged, I came for advice. Maybe looking at pictures and looking at a real person is not the same but it feels the same way to me. If he just wanted to get off without reciprocating, then he could ask me for a bj. I have given him plenty throughout the span of our relationship. I don't think that looking at Brad Pitt while watching a movie and thinking that he is hot is any where near the same thing as masturbating to naked pictures of him. I have no problem with my boyfriend looking at actresses or any people and thinking that they are hot. The problem comes when he would rather fantasize about them than to come to me and ask me if I will have sex with him or give him a bj. I have never tried to force my opinions down his throat. When I talk to him there is a end to the conversation. If I felt like I could continue to talk to him about it still then I wouldn't be on this site trying to talk to other people about it. You have every right to give me your opinion on the topic, but please don't be so judgemental! I felt like this was a place where people could say how they felt and get advice from others on the subject, not a place where people try to make you feel stupid for your opinions. Link to post Share on other sites
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