Author 2manyQs Posted January 17, 2006 Author Share Posted January 17, 2006 Another thing, if he admitted that he would definitely have a problem with me doing the same thing that he did, doesn't that kind of show that what he did might be wrong. Why is it that it is okay for him to do something that he would be upset with me doing? (not that I would) I have talked to him about this a couple of times but I want you to understand that I have not been nagging him about it in any way. I really was confident with my body until I felt like he would rather look at other women's/girls (a lot of them were teen sites) bodies. Maybe that shows that I am letting others actions shape the way that I view myself but I can't control the fact that this discovery made me feel that way. I just can't help but feel like when he sees me naked now that my body is just not good enough. Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Another thing, if he admitted that he would definitely have a problem with me doing the same thing that he did, doesn't that kind of show that what he did might be wrong. Why is it that it is okay for him to do something that he would be upset with me doing? (not that I would) I have talked to him about this a couple of times but I want you to understand that I have not been nagging him about it in any way. I really was confident with my body until I felt like he would rather look at other women's/girls (a lot of them were teen sites) bodies. Maybe that shows that I am letting others actions shape the way that I view myself but I can't control the fact that this discovery made me feel that way. I just can't help but feel like when he sees me naked now that my body is just not good enough. I for one completely understand how you feel. He's just being self-centered and not thinking about how this makes you feel. It would bother him for you to do the same thing--so make a deal with him--either he shows you that consideration or you will do it too. But the worst part of it all is that he does it anyway and then lies about it to you. that is not good at all. How about dumping him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2manyQs Posted January 17, 2006 Author Share Posted January 17, 2006 I really want to find some way to work this out. I don't want to look at breaking up as an option until I truly feel that it is the only answer. We obviously have a trust issue now because he did lie to me about it but I believe that everyone deserves a second chance. Link to post Share on other sites
heya Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 You see, most of those porn sites say "TEEN......."this or that....or "college girls....." I think its awfully weird that men, grown men, would rather look at pictures of TEEN girls then their own girlfriends????? I mean, TEEN signifies TEENAGE girls as in UNDERAGE girls....not that the girls in the pics are really underaged but damn, men are going to the site based on the word TEEN...So, what does that tell you??? That they prefer to wank off to a TEENAGE girl or rather a portrayal of a TEENAGE girl????? Its SICK. And Unfair. Link to post Share on other sites
mel777 Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 The problem comes when he would rather fantasize about them than to come to me and ask me if I will have sex with him or give him a bj. QUOTE] You're still not getting it hon. it's not about not him preferring to fantasize then have sex with you. it's just a different way fo rhim to get off sexually. When he fantasizes and masturbates he doesn't ahve to put a lot of energy into satisfying a woman. Also, once again men and woman are DIFFERENT! To him this is just a way to get off and to fantasize not beucase you're not enough but just becaus ehe likes it. Stop making it about you and relaize it's just something he likes. You'll feel better about it if you don't take it personally. Link to post Share on other sites
mel777 Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 I really was confident with my body until I felt like he would rather look at other women's/girls (a lot of them were teen sites) bodies. Maybe that shows that I am letting others actions shape the way that I view myself but I can't control the fact that this discovery made me feel that way. I just can't help but feel like when he sees me naked now that my body is just not good enough. First if these bodies appeared to be teenage girls I would kick him to the curb so fast and never look back. he is a man and should like a womans body. Second, yes you can control how you feel tell yourself that you are beautiful and that YOU like yourself and are happy the way you are then start believing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Because these points are excellent and need to be emphasized: it's not about not him preferring to fantasize then have sex with you. it's just a different way fo rhim to get off sexually. not beucase you're not enough but just becaus ehe likes it. Stop making it about you and relaize it's just something he likes. You'll feel better about it if you don't take it personally. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2manyQs Posted January 17, 2006 Author Share Posted January 17, 2006 [quote=mel777 To him this is just a way to get off and to fantasize not beucase you're not enough but just becaus ehe likes it. Stop making it about you and relaize it's just something he likes. You'll feel better about it if you don't take it personally. So what about him saying that it would bother him if I did the same thing? Just because men and women are different does that mean that you think that it is okay for him to be bothered by me doing the same thing that he did? If he were to have sex with someone else because it was something he liked to do, should I be okay with that too? The fact is that it hurts! You could tell me all day long that I shouldn't take it personally and that it is not about me but it certainly feels that way. I really wish that I could make myself not take it personally. There are things that I don't do because I know that it would hurt him. Is it really too much to ask that he do the same thing for me? Link to post Share on other sites
mel777 Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 So what about him saying that it would bother him if I did the same thing? Just because men and women are different does that mean that you think that it is okay for him to be bothered by me doing the same thing that he did? If he were to have sex with someone else because it was something he liked to do, should I be okay with that too? QUOTE] Honestly, I think he told you it would bother you for one of two reasons. One some men are uncomfortable thinking that woman are just as sexual as them. They aren't used to the idea that women can look at pictures get turned on and masturbate. Unfair yes, common-- Definetley!!! OR and this is what I'm leaning towards he thought if he told you he wouldn't care if you looked at pictures you would get upset at him because you would feel that if he truly loved you he would get jealous if you were looking at other men. So he gave you the answer you wanted. Once again you're making an arguement comparing porn to a live person with your hypothetical. Of course that woudn't be OK but that's not the issue. Also, there are many ways that it's okay for a man to do one thing and a woman to do antoher. For instance it's usually ok for a woman to tell her boyfriend when he's initiating sex that she's tired and he's suppossed to understand. However, if a girl initiates sex and he's too tired all of a sudden he's usually got a girl all upset and asking, "What's wrong. Don't you find me attractive, etc. Different sexes means unfortunatley different rules. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 I really wish that I could make myself not take it personally. And you can. Once you refuse to believe that he 'prefers' the women in the porn to you, you'll stop being threatened by it. What you fear is that he likes them better than he likes you. It's not the case. But you believe it is. So you believe something that's not true and that's what bothers you. It is up to you to discard this belief in something which isn't true. Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 So what about him saying that it would bother him if I did the same thing? Just because men and women are different does that mean that you think that it is okay for him to be bothered by me doing the same thing that he did? If he were to have sex with someone else because it was something he liked to do, should I be okay with that too? The fact is that it hurts! You could tell me all day long that I shouldn't take it personally and that it is not about me but it certainly feels that way. I really wish that I could make myself not take it personally. There are things that I don't do because I know that it would hurt him. Is it really too much to ask that he do the same thing for me? just so you can have a broader perspective, i believe that dr, phil thinks that porn is detrimental to relationships. not saying that i agree with him on everything at all...but don't go away thinking that you are being completely wacko just because you have an issue with this. LOTS of people have an issue with it and yes lots of men do NOT look at porn, or if they do, only once in a while. It's more normal for younger guys to have a stash and be gobsmacked but once he's in a relationship he needs to lay off especially if it bothers the woman he cares about. Link to post Share on other sites
mel777 Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 but once he's in a relationship he needs to lay off especially if it bothers the woman he cares about. okay. I agree that not all men look at porn and that not all woman have a problem with it. But why say if he cared about her he would stop. Why not say if she cared about him she understand and let him enjoy his porn? Link to post Share on other sites
barfool Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 About uncontrollable feelings: There is no such thing. Often time people don't realize the thought process that takes place between events and feelings. Look up "Cognitive Therapy" on the internet. Then you have to recognize any illogical conclusions you may be making. Do you know that he likes you less because of the porn? Do you know that he masturbates to porn when you are at home or available for sex? Are you making generalizations? etc... When you can slow down this thought process and discover any falacies it will help you feel better. I made my comment about pushing him away because I am under the impression that you are confronting him in an aggressive manner. If you discuss this with him rationally while letting him state his feelings and opinions about the matter then he should not feel threatened and run away. Though I do not agree with your opinion about the situation I am not trying to judge you. I am just trying to pass along the tools that I learned at the Behavioral Health Center at my local hospital by the caring professionals there. Link to post Share on other sites
beentheredonethat2 Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Ok ? We are in the same boat, and not all men like porn, or prefer it to thier girlfriends. You have to remember Outcast and the ultra-male gang fell prey to the media. I'm sure if we asked Outcast to provide a picture of himself, he is simply hiding behind a mean persona, and that he is actually not so manly. But that's another story. I guess any man who doesn't have sex a lot is bound to look at porn. Anyway, stick to your guns and I'm starting a new post, "Is there any guy out there who doesn't like porn?" Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 I'm sure if we asked Outcast to provide a picture of himself, he is simply hiding behind a mean persona, and that he is actually not so manly. But that's another story. It's always so impressive when people resort to personal attacks. Got any more names to toss at me? Too bad you're miffed that I call it as I see it and that I disagree with you. Live your life uptight and insecure if you really want to. There are remedies - if you choose not to use them, then don't bitch when your life is lousy. Link to post Share on other sites
Grinning Maniac Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 Originally Posted by beentheredonethat2 It may not be a "porn addiction", but there is NOTHING more hurtful to a woman --which you are not--than to know your body is not enough. Let's be clear for a moment. You do not KNOW that your body is not enough for your boyfriend. You ASSUME that your body is not enough. You really have no evidence to suggest this is true, and I would be willing to bet large somes of money that it isn't. You are jumping to a wild and irrational conclusion from the very beginning. I don't have to be a woman to know when something's devoid of logic. Get a grip, babydoll. Guys like beating off from time to time. It has nothing to do with our opinion of you or your body. Masturbation is a quick, hassle free orgasm. We like orgasms. Orgasms are good times. I'm hoping you've figured that out. Now then... if you know that your boyfriend masturbates, and you automatically assume "OMGHEDOESNTLOVEMEHETHINKSIMUGLY" ...then you're ****ing up. Thank you and good night. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts