I need some help

[Rosie]

I've been living with and engaged to a guy for almost a year now and just in the past month or two he has been pushing me away. He never wants sex, or at the very least to even kiss me passionately. He denies having an affair, and I do believe him, but I just want to know why he would push me away. Is is possible for someone to lose interest or not be attracted to someone after being in love and so crazy about each other for the first year? He's told me that he loves me but he's not "in love" with me, and that he doesn't want to break off the engagement. I'm just so confused as to what he wants, or what he is trying to tell me. HELP!!!

[Sea]

Sometimes when people are dealing with internal turmoil, they recede into themselves, they don't want to deal with the necessary give-and-take of the relationship dynamic because they are too caught up in their internal struggle. Has your partner seemed preoccupied or upset lately?

 

Men and women really do speak a different language. Women are usually the communicators, they express their emotions freely and have the urge to talk out problems that they perceive within themselves. Men, on the other hand, are socially and culturally taught NOT to express their emotions or be talkative about emotional issues. It's obvious how difficulties thus ensue.

 

Many therapists theorize that this is why women tend to report depression and anxiety-related mental problems, often outnumbering men diagnosed 2:1 or 3:1. Perhaps it's not that women get depressed more often than men, but that they are more willing to admit their own emotional turmoil and seek out help.

 

Try talking to your partner about your feelings about the situation. Don't ever say, "YOU did this, YOU made me feel that". You should express yourself in "I" terms - tell him how you feel and express your concern over the tone of your relationship, and your concern for him. Explain how you previously perceived both the relationship and the dynamic between the two of you, and how you think it has changed. If you approach the situation neutrally, without accusing anyone of fault, you may be able to resolve it quicker and less painfully than an argument.

[sad girl]

I've been living with and engaged to a guy

for almost a year now and just in the past month or two he has been pushing me away. He never wants sex, or at the very least to even kiss me passionately. He denies having an affair, and I do believe him, but I just want to know why he would push me away. Is is possible for someone to lose interest or not be attracted to someone after being in love and so crazy about each other for the first year? He's told me that he loves me but he's not "in love" with me, and that he doesn't want to break off the engagement. I'm just so confused as to what he wants, or what he is trying to tell me. HELP!!!

 

if he said he's not in love with you anymore, the last thing i would do is walk down that eye girl! that does not necessarily mean you have to break up but the two of you have some serious problems to work out. im not sure if there is too much to read between the lines.

[Rosie]

Well, he has been busy with his home business and playing baseball, but he always made the time for me before, and we never had anything like this happen. Its very true with what you say about not talking about their emotions, or even having trouble communicating their problems. In fact, I never would have found out that he wasn't "in love" with me if I hadn't started the conversation. We've been talking about the lack of intimate relations for a while now and he had always told me before that he would try to make more of an effort. Is it possible that he may have just said that he wasn't attracted to me anymore out of frustration with the fact that I keep asking him about it?

 

I am very careful with the way I word things as I know that putting the blame or starting with "you" will not solve anything.

 

Should I still be making the effort in the relationship? Should I still show him how attracted I am to him, and that I want to have an intimate relationship with him? Do I still tell him that I love him? I really dont' know if its going to make things worse.

Sometimes when people are dealing with internal turmoil, they recede into themselves, they don't want to deal with the necessary give-and-take of the relationship dynamic because they are too caught up in their internal struggle. Has your partner seemed preoccupied or upset lately? Men and women really do speak a different language. Women are usually the communicators, they express their emotions freely and have the urge to talk out problems that they perceive within themselves. Men, on the other hand, are socially and culturally taught NOT to express their emotions or be talkative about emotional issues. It's obvious how difficulties thus ensue. Many therapists theorize that this is why women tend to report depression and anxiety-related mental problems, often outnumbering men diagnosed 2:1 or 3:1. Perhaps it's not that women get depressed more often than men, but that they are more willing to admit their own emotional turmoil and seek out help. Try talking to your partner about your feelings about the situation. Don't ever say, "YOU did this, YOU made me feel that". You should express yourself in "I" terms - tell him how you feel and express your concern over the tone of your relationship, and your concern for him. Explain how you previously perceived both the relationship and the dynamic between the two of you, and how you think it has changed. If you approach the situation neutrally, without accusing anyone of fault, you may be able to resolve it quicker and less painfully than an argument.