feelsover Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 guess im looking for feedback... Married 11 years, 2 girls(8 & 5). About 6 months ago I noticed some events happening between my wife and her coworker. Although I 100% believe nothing was happening, it was the kind of events you would look back(if we ever broke up) and say that these events were the signs that I missed. I talked about this to my wife and was assured nothing was going on. About 5 months ago, she was out with some other friends at that coworker. When she came home that night I totally exploded and was completly out of line. Accusing of her of all sorts of things with her coworker. I know i went over the edge, but I couldn't stop myself. Now, after 10 1/2 years of a more than happy marriage, I'm a verbal abuser. Her father and brother are verbal abusers, so this is enviroment she grew up in. We've had a couple arguments since then, with me basically trying to explain "why" I exploded that night. But it's no longer the same. She says she forgives me, she says she loves me, but her actions are otherwise. At home, she will stay on the opposite side of the house from me. At work(we work together), we pick up lunch and eat seperately at our own desks. In the car, where we would always talk, its completely quiet. One weird thing is, when we talk about that night, she always defends her coworker. Says how good he is to our kids. Also, the window might have been open, so she is emabrassed that neighbors heard me yelling(i can't comprehend how this could be an issue). Shouldn't issues between our marriage be stronger that what outsiders think?? Now, I know I went over the line that night and can never take back what I said, but it really feels like it's over. It's not like I cheated on her. It's not like I hit her. After 11 years of marriage we've had arguments before, but have always made up. I don't understand why it can't go back to the way it was. I've tried biting my tounge. I've tried holding her every night when we go to bed. I've tried explaining myself again. I've tried giving her space. But nothing has changed. Not sure if this is the correct choice of words, but after 11 years of marriage I feel I 'deserve' better than this. I can't understand why she can't forgive me for one bad night. Link to post Share on other sites
Zetter Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 FSO, I'm having trouble picturing exactly what happened, what lead you to your reaction over her being out with some friends and the guy? Was there anything else that made you think something was going on between them? I'm coming at it from the perspective of a guy who didn't pick up on signs until it was too late, and my wife ended up with a mutual friend. So I guess i don't think your feelings were necessarily out of place, but your reaction was by your account probably a bit over the top. A healthy relationship should be able to sustain that type of an event - you have to blow out the pipes once in a while, and your act of jealousy or whatever it was wasn't necessarily that bad. I guess my advice would be to tell her exactly how you feel, and how you perceive through her withdrawn behavior of recent that your actions that night may have affected your relationship. Explain to her that your actions of resolve are reflecting your hopes that you can reconcile, and openly discuss what is going on. One huge lesson i learned from a failed marriage is that you absolutely have to be honest with each other and discuss your feelings, no matter what those feelings might be, in order to get past any issues. It will help you grow and learn as a couple, something that too many relationships lack and end up broken. Link to post Share on other sites
Author feelsover Posted January 16, 2006 Author Share Posted January 16, 2006 sorry, had problems posting this thread before activating my ID. I double posted in here, Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Breaking Up Link to post Share on other sites
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