Mark-ES Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 I'm a brand new user and I've been holding off posting my story on any forums for so long but I cannot hold everything in any longer. First I just turned 25 and I don't think I've ever got over my abuse. I was 8 or 9 years old when it started and it went on until I was 14 almost 15. My parents never trusted me to be home alone after I turned 12 because I was simply to say an emotional train wreck with a few rage outbursts. So I ended up having the same babysitter until I was 15. My babysitter was in her 20s that I know but she always brought her boyfriend over with her and he was the problem and she was scared of him as well when looking back at things. He would make me do oral on him constantly along with him raping me. He would hit me hard if I fought back against him. The first time he did this I said I would tell on him (stupid thing to say but I did) and he killed my cat right in front of me and said he would do the same to me and my parents if I told. He made me bury my cat in the back yard and I never told anyone about it. I just told my parents she ran away so when I was always crying they never thought anything of it. They were supportive about my cat running away because that was all they knew. My babysitter also never told anyone because she was afraid and she saw what he did to my cat. I took the abuse until I was 15 and he got killed in a car crash. I've been feeling very angry towards my parents lately for not figuring out something was going on. I felt they should notice something wrong when every week my mom would clean my bloody underwear and I would stand outside my door just waiting for her to say something almost on the verge of tears but she never said anything. I love my parents but I have such hatred for them right now. I still have nightmares even today every night and its the same nightmare. He's dead now but I still don't know if I should say anything because I know she still was babysitting before he died with some other kids around 10 before he died. I still live with my parents by the way. I also know that one of the kids in the area was very upset about his dog saying he ran away and I know she babysat for him. I just don't have the heart to get myself involved because I'm screwed up enough without adding all of this. My mother was abused as a child and she still has problems coping with it and I just can't allow her to feel guilt. If she ever found out I was abused like this for so long if she ever remembers the underwear with blood she might just snap. My father is the type of guy that is be a man mocho guy so I don't know how me might react to this news. I just don't feel like I'll ever get over this and I just can't allow my parents to know at least not right now. I know this was a long post but I needed to just let this out even if nobody reads it. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 I don't quite know what to say, because I'm quite aweful with words and often say the wrong thing... Sounds like you went through a very tramatic experience, and you're not alone in that. It's understandable to have some anger toward your mother. Our parents are supposed to be the people who protect us, and for whatever reason, she failed you. She probably loved you and did her best though, but sometimes our best just isn't good enough. Just remember that you've already been through the worst part. You were strong enough to get through that, and you're strong enough to get through what you're dealing with now. If you haven't already, you should start seeing a therapist and/or join a sexual abuse support group. Best wishes to you. Link to post Share on other sites
beentheredonethat2 Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 OMG I mean, OMG that is HORRIBLE!!! I wouldn't know who to blame more, her for seeing the signs and ignoring it or him for doing it???????? You probably learned somehow to disconnect from the whole experience, find something else to think about while it was happening just to cope. And those same survival mechanisms probably plague you to this day. I bet when you meet a man, those things come naturally now, you just let him do whatever as long as it wasn't that anymore. You probably don't even know how to look for warning signs, or even if you find the right guy, you might fear what kind of a mother you'll be because your own mom didn't do it. People in your situation are SO traumatized, that it's easy to "split" personalities just to cope, depending on how severely this affected you and whether or not you got counseling...etc. There IS HOPE...and you can be a good mother and a good partner and deserve one that is good for YOU. Trust the instincts you ignored just to cope, because while this man torments your mind, he is no longer there, and it helps to visualize him dead, visit his grave, spit on it. Your mother, who is alive, is another story. I say don't focus on her right now, there will be a time when you're ready to confront her on this. I would look at a chair in your room, something right in front of you, and visualize yourself as a little girl, and go over and hug her and protect her like no one would. Because you are her caregiver now. Everyone has failed her, not you.... This might sound strange but just try it... write me back as soon as you see this post, I'll be here... Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 There are few words you will read here that will offer any real comfort. I offer this. You are not to blame. You were defenceless. Your mother was unable to protect you, peolpe deal with their emotional traumas in different ways, no one can rationalise or know what she thinks. However I cannot believe that she knew or recognised and deliberately failed to act. I have talked to abused people. The one piece of advice I can pass on to you from them is this. Silence is a cancer. It will eat your soul. Do not bow down to this in silence. There are many people who are trained and willing to help. They will listen and they will try their best to help you come to terms with this unbelievably terrible thing that has happened to you. You are in my thoughts Mark-ES. I believe you can find your way out to a better place, you may need a guide, but I know you can do it. Link to post Share on other sites
beentheredonethat2 Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Your mother was unable to protect you, peolpe deal with their emotional traumas in different ways, no one can rationalise or know what she thinks. However I cannot believe that she knew or recognised and deliberately failed to act. I disagree wholeheartedly. You don't find blood stains in your nine year old's panties and not have questions...is it hymen? Did she just have her first period? Maybe at 13 I'd not question it, because she's due for her period right about now and might be too afraid to mention it. BUT A NINE YEAR OLD? I don't know what mother would not question her daughter.;;;sorta mad now, in defense... Link to post Share on other sites
beentheredonethat2 Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 I am so sorry Mark, I retract that last statement, I get the gist that you never had your period.... That doesn't change a thing. No eight year old should have blood in his/her underwear and not have their mom freak and take them to a doctor. Hold that other you in that chair, it's the best thing. Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 ...........My mother was abused as a child and she still has problems coping with it and I just can't allow her to feel guilt. If she ever found out I was abused like this for so long if she ever remembers the underwear with blood she might just snap.......... This was what I was referring to. I am aware that people who have suffered themselves and never received help do behave in a way that an unabused person cannot ever comprehend. I heven't been there, I cannot, and will not pretend that I understand anything about what it feels like. But I have seen strange behavioural traits in people who have suffered this kind of life and personality changing trauma. Link to post Share on other sites
beentheredonethat2 Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Thanks for the clarification, Wit, you're right.... Mark I hope you're getting this support Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Thanks for the clarification, Wit, you're right.... Mark I hope you're getting this support No probs. I know we are both trying to help Mark-ES. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Silence is a cancer. It will eat your soul. Do not bow down to this in silence. Absolutely 100% true. I am aware that people who have suffered themselves and never received help do behave in a way that an unabused person cannot ever comprehend. Also true. Sexually abused people who become parents often have one of two reactions to their own children: they become hypersensitive to any possibility of abuse and see it where it doesn't exist OR they completely miss all signs that an 'ordinary' person would recognize in an instant. Mark, I don't believe your mother did it purposefully or because she didn't care. If she didn't, I doubt she would have been supportive when you lost your cat. Your mother probably had her own issues she couldn't bear to face and wasn't strong enough to help when she was needed. That's plenty of reason to be angry with her for failing her job as a mother and protector. I myself still wonder how my mom could not have known. Maybe she was abused herself. I may not ever know, because my mother has never really been an open, supportive, or loving person like yours. You should be thankful to your mom for that even though you're justifiably angry at her. Link to post Share on other sites
submart Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 What an awful awful story. I am so sorry that this happened to you for so long. You were a kid though, and please don't blame yourself or your parents. The only person to blame is your abuser. The girlfriend clearly has problems for not taking any sort of protective action, especially at her age. I know your angry, and it is usually years later that the memories start coming back in full force. I suggest therapy and a support group right away! Here's some sites to help you: http://www.soar99.org http://www.rainn.org http://www.dancinginthedarkness.com http://www.survivingtothriving.org http://www.hopeforhealing.org I'm a rape survivor as well....both in childhood and adulthood. IF you ever need to vent, please contact me. I'm a victim advocate for rape and domestic violence survivors. Link to post Share on other sites
beentheredonethat2 Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Okay, if you listened Crazy_Girl, Mark never admitted to his mom that the babysitter's boyfriend killed his cat. So his mom is negligent. Mark don't get confused. Link to post Share on other sites
beentheredonethat2 Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 People who have been abused, like Mark's mom, boyfriend, his babysitter's boyfriend, etc....seem okay if given the right circumstances but the truth is if Mark wants to get beyond this in any way: 1. He does not neglect that it happened 2. He directs the APPROPRIATE anger (spitting on the grave of his abuser) and through therapy (to his bull*%it mother who for some reason has been allowed to roam the earth) 3. He realizes the person he needs to deal with is not himself in the present, but the person that was hurt, which happened a long, long, time ago. 4. He needs to remember that no one has forgotten it, not me, not him, and certainly not Our Great Protector, who is the only sense we can make of this life, because He designed it And I will VEHEMENTLY reject abuse of any kind, and will not tolerate those who allow it. I don't think God would either. Read Job, Mark...it will transform you. And I haven't picked up my bible in months, years even, but I will tonight for you, I will once again read Job, as long as you read it with me??????? Lost sheep trying to make her way back Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 .....(to his bull*%it mother who for some reason has been allowed to roam the earth)........ Wow, thats pretty harsh. I thought we had been there. "beentheredonethat2 Thanks for the clarification, Wit, you're right.... Mark I hope you're getting this support Today 1:39 AM witabix Quote: Originally Posted by Mark-ES ...........My mother was abused as a child and she still has problems coping with it and I just can't allow her to feel guilt. If she ever found out I was abused like this for so long if she ever remembers the underwear with blood she might just snap.......... This was what I was referring to. I am aware that people who have suffered themselves and never received help do behave in a way that an unabused person cannot ever comprehend. I heven't been there, I cannot, and will not pretend that I understand anything about what it feels like. But I have seen strange behavioural traits in people who have suffered this kind of life and personality changing trauma." Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mark-ES Posted January 17, 2006 Author Share Posted January 17, 2006 I'm hoping that this site isn't a female only site because I have no idea how you figured I was female. I'm a male so with that said you only need one guess how I would get blood in my underwear. I still need to read the rest of your posts and I answer later but I felt you needed to know I'm a male right away. Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Mark, I made no assumptions, I looked at your name, implied male, but no info on your profile, so I made no assumptions. I am a guy too. Link to post Share on other sites
clandestinidad Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Mark...I'm 24 and I was in a slightly similar situation, and for many years had difficulty with it. I wanted to say that youre not alone, youre not weird, and it was not your fault. When youre in the situation it is soooo surreal and confusing, its hard to know what to do, especially when youre threatened. About your parents....I can relate to you. My kindergarten teacher came over to visit w/ my mother, I assume it was b/c of signs she saw at school, but nothing was ever done for me...no one talked to me, or sent me to a psyc. It was obvious, just like your changes were....I turned into a completely different person. Over time it lead to depression, post-traumatic stress, dysthymia, slightly borderline personality disorder, suicidal ideation, self-harm, sexual promescuity........still nothing was done to help me. This might be similar to how you are. There is no worse feeling than having parents who do nothing for you. I can understand how you feel about that part. (Mine know about it now, and belittle it like its nothing.) One day in college I finally decided to get help for myself. If I didnt help myself, no one else would. I was tired of going on, miserable and weighed down by everything. I knew that I could not go on without help. I went to a psych. and worked through some things. They put me on med's for a time. My whole point is, take your life into your own hands asap. This has weighed you down for long enough. The only way to start healing is to start talking After talking to a Dr. THEN you both can make decisions that are best for you....about whether or not to talk to your parents, and if so what to say to them. The Dr. can also facilitate a meeting WITH them, so that its a 'safe' environment to discuss/argue/yell about it....it will be whatever YOU need it to be. You dont need to make big decisions about this....just start talking to someone about it. Like you, I used to keep EVERYTHING locked inside and it was killing me. Since getting help, I've learned that what I think/feel matters. If it doesnt matter to anyone else, it matters to me and thats whats important. I have learned how to just get everything OUT. Not let it all build up. I wish you could talk to someone and take away from it similar things. I hope my post reflects SOME similarities, and shows you that someone who has been through something similar has made it through. There IS hope for you. It CAN get better. In time, this wont fill your thoughts and wont enter your mind daily. But you must get help with it, from someone that knows the tools that will help you. My heart aches for you....if you want help from someone else who's been there I'm here Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Okay, if you listened Crazy_Girl, Mark never admitted to his mom that the babysitter's boyfriend killed his cat. So his mom is negligent. What are you talking about? I think you misread something, because nowhere did I say that his mom knew about the guy killing the cat. If you were reading, you should have seen that Mark said she was supportive when he told her his cat ran away. All I'm saying is that she could have not been supportive. The fact that she was shows she cares. Nobody's saying that she wasn't negligent. I've said very clearly that she should have protected him, and he has every right to be angry with her for that. But I think she did the best she could. Her own abuse just left her without the tools to do better. (to his bull*%it mother who for some reason has been allowed to roam the earth) His mother obviously has issues of her own and she screwed up. That's no reason to demonize her. If anyone shouldn't be allowed to roam the earth, it's the babysitter's boyfriend and well, I guess he wasn't... He's where the majority of Mark's anger should be directed. Read Job, Mark...it will transform you. And I haven't picked up my bible in months, years even, but I will tonight for you, I will once again read Job, as long as you read it with me??????? I'm not anti-religious, I believe in God, and I think the Bible is a great book. That said, it isn't the book to read to deal with sexual abuse. There are many good ones to help. You should visit Amazon.com and look for some, Mark. Also, Mark, I didn't assume you were female. There was really no way to tell your gender. This definitely isn't a female only site, and while the majority of victims are female, many are also male, and they need healing and validation just like females do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beentheredonethat2 Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Crazy, I am a mother, so I take that stance from someone who has an eight year old boy, about to be nine. This strikes a chord with me. Secondly, Job is the book no one talks about or quotes in church because it's just too horrible, and most people don't take much out of it. Read it as literature. God basically lets the Devil do whatever he wants to his servant Job, to show that no matter what Job went through, he would not turn on God. So the Devil killed all his cattle, killed his wife and children, stole everything from him. And he wept and shaved his head, ate dirt, and basically was in such deep depression he couldn't see backwards or forwards. Then ther were these three guys that kept hanging around while Job was mourning, taunting him, asking him to blame God, etc. And he kept his wits about him, but these three people who confront him in his mourning seem a lot like what we're doing to Mark. They think they have good advice, and try to help, but just can't. The depth of his suffering was too great. And that is why Job fascinates me. It helps me make sense of the suffering in my life, even if you think it's just a book. But you're right, there are books that talk about this thing, without the idea of God in the picture and can be very helpful. I guess this is just the one book of the bible that really got me. I realize the bible is one of those books that has a huge stigma, I understand that. Guess I was just trying to help. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Mark, I'm so sorry, I survived terrible sexual, emotional, physical, verbal abuse in my childhood. It was not your fault sweetie. Your anger towards your mom is understandable. You need to get some professional counseling to deal with this and perhaps they can help you work towards telling your parents? Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Secondly, Job is the book no one talks about or quotes in church because it's just too horrible, and most people don't take much out of it. Read it as literature. If you're telling me to read Job and not directing that to Mark, I have read it. I've read and studied the whole book in 2 very different translations. And as a person who's been through sexual abuse as a child, I know it did not help me to deal with the after effects of it. Nothing can do that except something focused specifically on sexual abuse. Believing in a higher power, that everything happens for a reason, etc can be a wonderful thing and help people through many situations, but it does not alone fully heal a person recovering from sexual abuse. And that is why Job fascinates me. It helps me make sense of the suffering in my life, even if you think it's just a book. I never said I believe it's "just a book". But you're right, there are books that talk about this thing, without the idea of God in the picture and can be very helpful. I guess this is just the one book of the bible that really got me. I realize the bible is one of those books that has a huge stigma, I understand that. Guess I was just trying to help. I think you're reading more into what I'm saying than what I really said. I never said Mark should read a book without God in the picture. If there's a sexual abuse book that incorporates religion and he is religious, then that would be great for him. What I am saying is that, while comforting, the Bible is not going to help Mark and other people recovering to understand that there's a reason for all the things that are 'wrong' with them and continue to cause them suffering as well as how to change the negative ways the abuse has affected their lives. They need books/therapy/groups to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
submart Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Mark, About 1 in 6 males are a victim of sexual abuse before the age of 18. You are far from alone. It's still not your fault! If you feel like it would benefit you, please get some counseling. Also, for years as a child I was raped by my female babysitter. I'm a female. Memories were suppressed for six years. I remembered what happened at 18. I was also raped by a priest...at 18. Your not alone, I'm here if you need to talk. ((safe hugs)) Link to post Share on other sites
beentheredonethat2 Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Kat and Mark: I empathize, which translates into an attempt to know, and feel, based on care and concern, BUT CANNOT actually feel the pain, the feelings, I hope the two of you will express to me the depth of your feelings, I feel a closeness to you two, I've undergone torture, but torture by a parent is the most severe of all. [email protected] please....if not here then there Link to post Share on other sites
beentheredonethat2 Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Crazy, I disagree. I think this has everything to do with recovery, I'm just agreeing with you for the forum's sake. I think, I know rather, that the only happy time in my life was when I was doing it for someone else, something else, and that thing happens to be God for me. I really don't want to get into suffering, because I would not like to think about the bruise on my leg the size of a baseball. And that is why I redirect my concern on other people, maybe to avoid pain, maybe that's disfunctional. But I can sit all night and look at the nasty bruise on my leg, or on my behind, or the broken right rib that pains me through my pregnancy, but I don't. I know I suffer, but I don't care about mine. The only meaning life has is to serve those who suffer, you want to call it the bible, fine, I consider it just making a day worthwhile for the 2 disabled clients I work with. But they show more empathy than you, even though they don't have the tools emotionally. I see them, and their intent. Link to post Share on other sites
beentheredonethat2 Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 I can't even make sense of it, I can feel horribly helpless, go on a 2 year stint of no relationship with my Creator and then one second be back in his arms? It doesn't seem fair. But I guess He has those ways of working things out. I don't know much, but the one thing I know I suffer, helplessly, without Him yet I suffer, helping myself, and have only me, who I can't count upon because I didn't create me. I guess there's my conflict. I guarantee I choose the first way 90% of the time, but those 10% I choose to be helpless, not answer my anxieties, and trust...are the most bountiful I guess if I could just change that percentage around I might just have meaning to my life, which is FAR more than being happy Do I sound like a wandering idiot? Link to post Share on other sites
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