Taking things slow... physically

[Kengne]

Hey guys! It's me again.

 

Most of you already know my story, but for those who don't here's a quick re-cap.

 

Broke up w ex, M, of 4 yrs in Feb 05 due to my discovery of his cheating.

 

Met R in Mar 05... dated for 2 mths, then became 'official' in May 05. Yes, it was fast.

 

Fast fwd 5 mths... R broke up w me in Oct 05 citing 'i want to be with you' BUT 'i need to be alone & work things out w me'. HM.

 

Nov 05 - R reveals to me true reasons underlying our breakup i.e. namely, my continued involvement w my ex M which he (along w many others) felt was unhealthy for me (and our then rel'ship). R says he felt I wasn't being completely upfront abt my feelings towards M, and why M continued to be in my life even after cheating & getting some next girl pregnant. R said he grew frustrated/resentful & it ultimately led to the breakup.

 

Nov 05 cont'd - R asks if we can start over from scratch... take things slow... get to know one another again... date ... and hopefully be more and better than before etc...? I agreeed.

 

And that's where we are now. Taking things slow, getting to know one another again etc... It's been abt 1.5 mths? And of my own volition, I also stopped talking to my ex M.

 

I'm all for taking things slow, and re-discovering one another... without the trappings/problems of the past or a need to 'define' things right now... I feel alot better abt the way things are developing because I'm focusing on getting to know him as an individual & friend first, and vice versa... he said some ish a while back abt a strong friendship being the basis for a strong rel'ship and I totally see what he meant now... without a solid foundation, everything else pretty much crumbles right? Slow & steady wins the race lol.

 

So that's great.. but.. and here's the big ol but...I'm struggling with the physical aspect.

 

I guess you could say I had a strong Christian upbringing. Call me crazy, but - I don't believe in casual sex!

 

I'm almost 23, and I've only ever slept with 2 ppl - my last 2 ex-bfs (R & M).

 

With M - I waited 2 years before having sex (& losing my virginity) with him.

 

With R - it was alot shorter lol.. I guess you could say he tapped into my bottled up sexuality... brought out the freaky deaky in me lol... which is GREAT because hey, I love sex just as much as the next person BUT - I still don't believe in casual sex no matter how enjoyable it is. IMO, sex is smth sacred & pleasurable to be enjoyed between 2 ppl in a committed & monogamous rel'ship.

 

I guess you could say I'm ol' skool. I've never had sex outside of a rel'ship & I am not trying to go there because it would go against everything I believe in & I'd feel like a hypocrite. I guess you could say I have high expectations of myself & falling short is just not an option.

 

R understands this... and for the most part, he has respected this. Since our break up even though we've gotten pretty physical we have manangd - or rather, I have managed - to not have sex - intercourse or oral.

 

I have made it quite clear to him that I am NOT down for a FWB relationship - and he replied that that is not what he wants either.

 

But... I'm still struggling with even the physical aspect of the situation. For the record, I am not dating anyone else currently and neither is he, he claims.

 

A part of me feels like... hey, the physical is great but in the initial stages of dating or taking things slow or whatever ... I am not normally physical period, beyond kissing... if he was someone I JUST met, it'd be WAAAAY easier to have more self-restraint ... but because we've already had sex... mmmm... sorry y'all! ha ha... and there is ALOT of INTENSE physical chemistry between us ... which I've really never experienced to this degree, EVER - not even with my ex M! - I am finding it hard AT times to juggle taking things slow with the physical *even tho we're NOT having sex*.

 

To make matters worse - he's not really helping!!! lol. He's flat out told me he can't help how he feels physically towards me... he's tried but I know he's not as strong or determined as me... he'll stop when I stop. I'm being strong for the both of us, because I understand men are more sexually-driven than women.

 

Though to his credit, the last 2 times things got physical BOTH times he showed remarkable self-control... I have to give him that, I was impressed.

 

ANYWHO - so I guess my dilemma because I've never been in this situation before i.e. starting over from scratch w an ex ... (and neither has he he claims!)... is, how can I better handle the situation?

 

Now - it's not like this all the damn time. We do do things outside in public. Before the holidays he mentioned us seeing each other less, but still talking just as much. I've also tried doing more things outside in public - which works well! - but once we're alone .... !

 

Ugh. My absolute biggest fear is things getting out of control & leading to full-fledged sex. Because after waiting 2 years to have sex for the 1st time, I thought my self-control was impenetrable!! *sp?* lol but damn... R brought out this highly sexual side of me that is killing me! My mind is strong but damn..! my flesh is weak. UGH.

 

Anyone else ever experienced this?

 

Any advice greatly appreciated!

 

K.