shocked and hurt

[dsc1]

My wife just left me and said she did not feel anything for me anymore. We have been married for 11 years and have a 6 year old son. Everything was good a month ago and sex was ggo until 2 weeks ago. She started drinking alot after work and then started buying lacy thong underwear and low cut jeans. I caught her in numerous lies the last couple of weeks and as I applied more pressure on her as to where she had been drinking or why she was not where she said she was she just completely shut down. She did not want to touch at all and imediately stated that she wanted to leave for a while to see if she missed me. She stated that she did not feel like trying to save the marriage and just felt "numb". She has looked me in the eye and stated that there is no one else and that she would never do that and I should not question her on that. We are both 36 years old and educated and responsible with good jobs. I can't understand what happened so quickly to cause her to shut down and say she didn't have feelings for me anymore. She insists that this is all about what she wants and doesn't care about what anyone thinks, including her family. I have never cheated, verbally or physically abused her, no drug or alcohol problems and the only reason she can give is that I don't show her enough affection. My son and I are a emotional wreck now and she has just walked out. Can anyone give me any insight of what's going on and if this marriage can be saved?

[Mistaken Identity]

It sounds like your wife is having an affair.

[JayKay]

I agree. All signs point to an affair; the lies, the change in appearance, the shut down when you ask questions...

 

 

Damn, that sucks

[Sadtoo]

Dear Shocked and Hurt:

I am 45 years old, married 11 years with children and am going through the same experience,, Except,, I am the woman who told my husband one day 12 months ago the same as your wife.. You see Someone told me I was beautiful,, I was woo'd, I began dressing in those killer jeans and made my self up. Wanted a motorcycle and a tattoo. This stranger started sending small gifts, telling me Im beautiful and sexy, I felt like I was 25 again. I wanted some freedom, I predict this is what is the beginning of what is going on with your wife.

 

I became angry at my husband (I suppose this was my guilt) He failed for years to take me out on a date or spend quality time alone or make me feel wanted,remember we used to be BEst Friends. He forgot birthdays and didnt make me feel like a woman. We were roomates. He would go with me places. I now had someone to compare him too. 40 something women go through this stage as they are aging and dont feel they have much time left, it is not uncommon. Also 11 years marraiges (cant spell). Many result in divorce, but they didnt have to. Your reactions will make or break the marriage.

 

His actions broke me as now 8 months later we are in war of the Roses.

We love each other very much, but the anger and mistrust, confusion, revenge is to much to even think about.

 

Do your self a favor see a counselor right away, join a group and keep yourself busy,, if it is excitement she wants give it to her. two tickets to paradise/ Better do it quick before she really starts believing the other man. Most of all try to appear calm and dont be controlling, Stand back, She may stop at the wooing part,, if you push her she'll run. She probably will not go to counselling yet. Show up and meet her out if you can.

 

SOme MOre things: do not give her any fuel for the fire, bad mother guilt, talk of divorce, comparing her to another woman, exerting control of anykind. ABOVE ALL RESPECT HER CELIBICY, tell her you want her but dont touch her, let her come to you, just be there. she is temporarily ill.

She will look back and see that you were always there for her and realize that beyond a doubt that you love her.

You should try dressing up yourself and going out.. this turned my head a little too late though.. do it Now. Be just like her but go your way. this will give you a little taste of what she is going through too. (but don't seek revenge) tell her shes sexy and be sexy, go out so she knows it.. be calm, cool, be different.

 

Stick with her and stand by,SHE is absolutely just going through a phase....

I know its hard right now. It will take some time.

 

Peace and Prayers-- sorry I am rambling

Still: SadnConfused

[Robin23]

Aw, sadtoo, I wish I had known what you just said a year and a half ago, you sound exactly, and I mean exactly what my ex sounded like. If I had known how to react, and what she was thinking, or what she "wasn't" thinking, I am pretty sure I would still have her today, minus the affair, minus the separation soon to be a divorce. The thing with us was, it happened so dam fast, after 23 years, six months of hell and another man destroyed what was a good marriage-relationship, at least in my eyes.

Take heed of what sadtoo says, it is a echo of yesterday for me.

I hope its not to late for you;

all the best;

Robin23

[dsc1]

I appreciate the responses and I have completely backed off now. I never accused her of having affair but I subtly implied it. I have continually told her lately that she is a very sexy and beautiful women and that I couldn't blame her for doing something based on the lack of attention I've given her lately. I can't believe she could say she has no feelings at all when just 2 weeks before everything was fine and sex was passionate. At this point other than initiating no contact with her what can I do? I would love to send flowers or write her love letters but I feel anything I do pressures her or pushes her farther away. I will move on and go out and do things with friends and appear to be normal but I don't want her to think I don't care or am happier without her here. I know I'm at the early stages and I need advice so I don't completely lose the love of my life!

[Devils Advocate]

WHY ?

Why are you going out of your way to apologize and make amends for doing nothing wrong ? She is the one who is cheating or considering cheating on you. Perhaps you weren't giving her the attention she thinks she needs but that is still no reason or excuse for the behaviour she is exhibiting. If she felt there was something lacking she should have made that known to you as I'm sure you would have let her know if you felt you needed something more. Anyting else is the actions of an immature person who believes the world should cater to them and read their mind.

Stand up and state as clearly and directly as you can that this marriage has problems and that if she is not ready RIGHT NOW to work on resolving them she needs to leave. Then open the door and wait for a response.

You have given her complete decision making authority on your life and resigned yourself to the role of some veal calf waiting for the farmers hammer.

The decision you've given her to make is between you and some other (imaginary or not) man and that is the wrong point. Show her that it's between her family and this idea of another man and you will get a much better answer & hopefully better decision.

 

Just remember it's not some mooning love-sick child that a good women chooses, it's the strong, direct man who handles life's difficulties with honor, decency and hard work.

 

I appreciate the responses and I have completely backed off now. I never accused her of having affair but I subtly implied it. I have continually told her lately that she is a very sexy and beautiful women and that I couldn't blame her for doing something based on the lack of attention I've given her lately. I can't believe she could say she has no feelings at all when just 2 weeks before everything was fine and sex was passionate. At this point other than initiating no contact with her what can I do? I would love to send flowers or write her love letters but I feel anything I do pressures her or pushes her farther away. I will move on and go out and do things with friends and appear to be normal but I don't want her to think I don't care or am happier without her here. I know I'm at the early stages and I need advice so I don't completely lose the love of my life!

[Becoming]

I'm sorry for that awful feeling you must be in right now. Avoid getting caught up in the hurt that you surely feel, and the understandable desire to get revenge and make her hurt like you do, which, no doubt some will try to encourage you in.

 

Instead, apologize if you've not made her feel desirable. You may have told her thing, but she may not have heard it. Tell her you're confused by this, that you want to understand what's going on, that you want her in your life more than anything but that you will honor what it is she thinks she needs at this point. Ask her what it is she needs and negotiate with her.

This means knowing what you need and what you will and will not tolerate. She has in effect abandoned her child. Are you supposed to just take care of him for her until she comes to her senses or what? Think of him and his needs, too. If she wants to be on her own, let her be on her own. Secure your funds from her and consult a lawyer if you need to in order to know what your rights are and what things you need to avoid doing in case things come to a divorce. Changing the locks and not giving her a key might also be something you'd consider doing.

 

Check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com and learn about emotional needs. There's a lot of other stuff there that is extremely helpful, too.

 

I'm sorry this has happened.

[dsc1]

I spoke with my wife on Monday for a couple of hours when she came to the house to see our son. I engineered the whole conversation to let her know I knew about what she was doing (Affair) and that before we had a chance to save our marriage she would have to take care of this "thing" I apologized for the lack of affection I've given her in the past and told her that I have always felt intense love for her but have not shown it in the way she needed. I told her I understand what she needs and that I can give it to her. I plain out said I was disrespectful in my actions torwards her and that I was sorry and I had no excuse, but that would not happen again. I again put it back on her and told her that she was the only one who could take care of this "thing" and that she should stay at her mother's and handle it and decide what she wanted. She again denied affair but I expected that anyway.

[dsc1]

I spoke with my wife on Monday for a couple of hours when she came to the house to see our son. I engineered the whole conversation to let her know I knew about what she was doing (Affair) and that before we had a chance to save our marriage she would have to take care of this "thing" I apologized for the lack of affection I've given her in the past and told her that I have always felt intense love for her but have not shown it in the way she needed. I told her I understand what she needs and that I can give it to her. I plain out said I was disrespectful in my actions torwards her and that I was sorry and I had no excuse, but that would not happen again. I again put it back on her and told her that she was the only one who could take care of this "thing" and that she should stay at her mother's and handle it and decide what she wanted. She again denied affair but I expected that anyway.

 

That night she worked and instead of drinking she went back home to her mother's and slept for the first time. She called me several times yesterday and then asked if we all could go out and eat together. We did and had a good time and when we got home she stayed around a while. I noticed that when she left she stopped and hesitated at the door and locked eyes with me for a moment. I can feel the tension and it almost feels like she wants to let it out but stops. I have been acting nonchalant about it for a couple of days and have acted like I'm happy around her, I have just dropped it and let her go in my mind. I know she made the decision to do what she did and its not my fault and it now rests on her.

 

Sorry this is so long...but I appreciate any and all feedback

[Becoming]

She hesitated, locked eyes. Did she want you to take the initiative to welcome her back? I think she wants you but that something you've been/not been doing has led her to give up on you.

 

Ask her to take the emotional needs inventory with you on marriagebuilders.com. I think you've been missing the mark with regard to her emotional needs.