Unrequited Love

[smashly86]

About ten months ago I met this guy. He is the most amazing person that I have ever met. For the last ten months I have spent just about every waking moment with him and was almost living with him but we were not dating. We got into our little tiffs everyone does but we were still really good friends. Everyone told me that he was an a**h*** including his sister and mother who I became very close to. I didn't believe them becuase he was really different with me. He told me that I was the first person that he every wanted to never hurt and that I made him finally think about somebody besides himself. They all encouraged us to get together but it just never seemed to happen becuase he always had a different excuse why we couldn't like he didn't want to lose me as a friends or he wasn't ready for a relationship or whatever. We talked all the time about us getting together but it just never panned out. He would just say things like give me time or let's just see what happens. I did absolutly everything for him. When things on his house broke I would stay up all hours of the night helping him, crawling under his trailer with him to unfreeze the water, bought him things to help him out, drove him around when his car broke down and just being thier for him all the time like he asked me too. Then one day we were in the car and he asked me if we could discuss the option of just sleeping together. We are 19 and 21. I was in love with him and I couldn't just sleep with him becuase it would just be wierd becuase neither of us have everyone been with anyone before. So we decided that that would not be good. More time went by. We would fool around and wrestle and he would tell me that he loved me when I was angry with him. He told me that I was really good to him and gorgeous but there was just something that made me undateable. He replaced every compliment that he gave me with just a little insult to keep me away. I gave him a really big ego where he did not have one before. Then one day he was really being an a**h*** and I told him to f*ck off. He kicked me out. I have spent the last two weeks crying and being f*cking miserable. When his sister calls me becuase we are best friends and are planning on getting an apartment together I hear his voice and start crying again. I wait for the phone to ring hoping that it is him but it never is. I love him so much. I feel sick to my stomach at the though of never seeing him again or talking to him or ever being around him again. Smelling him, seeing his hands that I love so much or just sitting around with him and loving him. I miss loving him most of all. I still love him I mean but it is not the same as when I am with him. I can't get over him becuase I love to love him. He said that he kicked me out becuase he wanted some time alone but I think thier is another reason because he is very afraid of getting close to someone becuase he is very insecure and ever since he lost his brother he does not want to be close to anyone again incase he loses them too. I really would like some feedback on what to do or if you need more information to give me an opinion just let me know. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

[lindya]

. I can't get over him becuase I love to love him. He said that he kicked me out becuase he wanted some time alone but I think thier is another reason because he is very afraid of getting close to someone becuase he is very insecure and ever since he lost his brother he does not want to be close to anyone again incase he loses them too. I really would like some feedback on what to do

 

Using love in an attempt to cure this person's intimacy issues hasn't worked. For 10 months, you've experienced that first hand.

 

Perhaps you're keeping yourself in this miserable situation because he's giving you just enough hope that if you break down this invisible barrier, there may be some kind of dating future for the two of you. He says one thing ("you're not dateable") but his actions suggest another ("maybe if you keep trying, I'll eventually find you dateable").

 

Some people consciously and deliberately manipulate others in this way - eg read these

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t70661/?highlight=scamming+women

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t78057/?highlight=insult+compliment

 

...others do it instinctively.

 

The chances are that this guy sees you as someone who is easy to play. Whatever you do or say in an effort to break away from those sort of assumptions, once he's formed them about you it's highly unlikely that a guy will change his mind and start respecting you.

 

I'm sorry to be so harsh, but this guy insulted you by describing you as "undateable". Whatever tone he said it in, or however he rationalised his decision to describe you in those terms, (eg "I love the fact that you and I can be completely honest with eachother...") he insulted you. The odds are that he did so intentionally.

 

So....despite the fact that he has insulted and used you, you have continued to give him vast amounts of your time and energy. Why are you doing that? How do you see it all panning out for you? "I love him" or "I don't know" aren't real answers...and I have a feeling that it will be very difficult for you to move on from this situation until you can come up with real, solid answers to those questions.