TearfulNewMom Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 I dont know what to do anymore. I feel so alone. I have been married for 5 years to this man that I have given everything. I am 25 he is 27. We have 2 boys together. 3 and 16 days old. When I was in the hospital having our newest I later found out that the night that I had him my husband was home looking at porn. This broke my heart. He has looked at it in the past and I voiced my opionion on it and he says he will never do it again. And then he does. It makes me feel less of a woman and wife to him. It feels me with hate for him. I have stood by this man when any other woman would have ran fast. I stood by him as he stole money from our family to support his drug habit. I have stood by him when he wouldnt work. I have always been there. And he cant not look at porn for me. I know some women are ok with it but he knows how bad it hurts me. I cry for days and my self esteem goes down to -100. And he does this to me. It doesnt make since. And to top it off the day I GIVE BIRTH TO HIS SON. It just really hurts. He swears that he wont do it again. But I dont know if I can believe him. He spends all of his time when he isnt working on the computer. Never spending time with the boys or me. I do everything for them while he plays games. He has just started kissing me again. But it is a peck. Like you would kiss your mother. Not a romantic kiss that I want. He doesnt hold me anymore. Or touch me much either. I am beginning to think that he really isnt happy. And to be truthful I am not happy either. We talked about this he says he wants me and the boys and that he will stop. But can I be sure. He thinks because he says sorry everything is better that quick but I am still healing. This is something I never thought he would do to me again. Why does it bother me so much. I have no clue. I just want him to want me. And not want to look at other women. I want to be the one that he longs for. Maybe it isnt possible after having 2 kids to be that sexy woman anymore. But he hasnt given me a chance before he started looking at porn again. Any insight would be helpful. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Just Visiting Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 It makes me feel less of a woman and wife to him. It feels me with hate for him. I have stood by this man when any other woman would have ran fast. I stood by him as he stole money from our family to support his drug habit. I have stood by him when he wouldnt work. I have always been there. And he cant not look at porn for me. I am concerned at this statement. No one can make you feel less than a woman but YOU. I had an ex who had a huge porn collection and it did something to my self-esteem. Now I see that I gave it more power and value than I gave myself. It was a huge lesson for me. What your husband is doing has nothing to do with you. There is a reason why he is continually viewing porn. And only he knows the reason why. Could be low self-esteem, emotional needs, etc. Rather than demand that he stop, try to find out the reason behind this with him. You are a strong woman to stand by him in the past, you can get through this as well. Don't be a victim...be a victor. You deserve it. Link to post Share on other sites
skeptik224 Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 I'm probably delving into strange territory, but why are you so threatened with porn? Have you ever thought to talk to him about it instead of "voicing your opinion?" I would venture to say that it's not just porn that bothers you. My guess is that you also have a problem with masturbation. (I could be wrong) But, usually porn leads to masturbation. Do you feel that you can't "satisy" him? Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 He looked at porn because you had just had a baby, was too tired to have sex, etc etc. I'm guessing you're still too tired, etc etc. You get ticked because he looks at porn and give him grief over it, which damages the bond between you, making him want sex with you less, so he turns to porn more. If you would understand that it's just some pictures and he's not in love with them, didn't marry them, and would not prefer to have them instead of you - in other words let it go and leave him alone about it, then your relationship would improve and he'd feel closer to you. As long as you make porn an issue, you'll drive him to porn. Link to post Share on other sites
TearfulNewMom Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 "I would venture to say that it's not just porn that bothers you. My guess is that you also have a problem with masturbation. (I could be wrong) But, usually porn leads to masturbation. Do you feel that you can't "satisy" him?" That is part of the problem. I think I stated that in my post. "He looked at porn because you had just had a baby, was too tired to have sex, etc etc. I'm guessing you're still too tired, etc etc. You get ticked because he looks at porn and give him grief over it, which damages the bond between you, making him want sex with you less, so he turns to porn more." He has looked before and I wasnt pregnant. I was never throughout this pregnancy not wanting sex. I am the one who always wants it. No not still tired gave him sex 2 days before I found out about all the porn and had had the baby almost 2 weeks before that. So you are trying to say I should change how I feel and let him have his cake and eat it too. I dont like it he knows that. He also knows I would do ANYTHING for him and give him sex WHENEVER he wants. I told him I dont like it if he doesnt respect me and my feeling enough not to do it. Then I cant forgive that. So I am the wrong one in this situation? I think not. If he asked me to not do something I would and he would never have to worry about me doing it behind his back and he knows this. Link to post Share on other sites
skeptik224 Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 I don't think it's about right and wrong. Getting sex from you is different that looking at porn. How about a small compromise? Maybe you could look at porn with him and see what he likes. Maybe he's looking at something like a woman wearing a specific outfit. Maybe you could role play and wear the outfit - or something similar. You are not wrong to have the beliefs that you do, and in reality, yes he should respect you enough to honor your restriction. As you've said, though, he's told you he'd stop in the past. I'd guess that he's not going to stop. Would you rather him do it on the sly? or make an attempt to be "part" of his hobby? It's a hard situation and sometimes you may end up agreeing to disagree. Either way, I don't think it's any justification for the ending of a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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