i just dont feel it

[WoWaddict]

Hi

 

I am engaged right now. Me and him have been through some rough times as of the past few months with arguing and whatnot. He gives up a lot for me, he doesnt drink because i have a huge problem with alcohol... but there are other things he says he does, but im not sure i believe... he says he's stopped looking at porn out of respect for me, and stopped masterbating altogether, because he says he wants to save himself for me, just like i do with him. We are going to be apart for 4 or so months. I am finishing up my semester in college, and he is moving to Tenn to begin his career as a police officer. I'm going to go down there when i get out of school.

 

lately my doubts have been getting the better of me. i feel depressed. i try to talk to him about it but we argue because he says hes hurt that i doubt him.

 

any advice. i could really use it right now

[BeFree]

You are probably feeling like he is giving up too much of himself. Look, men and women are really different. You can not expect them to stop masturbating. I think you need to take a break and a sex and intamincy class and learn a few things regarding human nature. Then once you have matured a little go back to him.

[WoWaddict]

You are probably feeling like he is giving up too much of himself. Look, men and women are really different. You can not expect them to stop masturbating. I think you need to take a break and a sex and intamincy class and learn a few things regarding human nature. Then once you have matured a little go back to him.

 

 

First of all, thanks for pointing out that men and women are different. If it had not been for you, I would have never known. I just always thought my penis would grow in eventually, and maybe it was just taking its time. After all i've seen men with boobs. You've literally saved me years of therapy.... you brave, brave humanitarian.

 

yeah, just so you know...before you decide to rip into me... Not masterbating was HIS idea, not mine. It was something HE came out with out of nowhere. On top of the fact that he says he feels he wants to save himself. he says not masterbating gives him a more intense orgasm from intercourse. I would have never in a million years asked him to stop doing something that by nature is required of males.

 

maybe you misinterpreted it, or maybe i should have broken it down for everyone who likes to throw their weight around for no reason.

 

now, if anyone has any REAL advice....

[NatoPMT]

lately my doubts have been getting the better of me.

 

can you please clarify what exactly your doubts are? Are they based in you not believing him when he says these things?

 

If so, what is the issue with that, is it that you are concerned hes lying to you, or concern that he may be looking at por.n?

 

and what are you arguing about?

 

Its absolutely normal to masterbate when in a relationship, if he has said that its something hes stopped out of respect for you, I suspect his feelings towards sex, or how he feels you view sex are not entirely healthy.

[Befree]

Don't ask for advice and then get upset when someone doesn't tell you exactly what you want to hear. Go see a counsler then, maybe they can help you.

[Outcast]

People need to get over themselves. It's sick, IMHO, to want to be the only thing someone else thinks about. It's looking like people have developed some twisted idea that love needs to be obsessive to be 'true love'. Nothing could be further from the truth. There's no way anyone should spend her life worried that another human being with a brain of his own isn't thinking about you every second of the day.

[WoWaddict]

Well I guess then EVERYONE is misinterpreting my post. Everything he has given up, besides drinking, he has done entirely on his own. I have never asked him to do any of it. I dont think porn is healthy in a relationship, and we talked about it once, I never asked him to give it up. Weeks later he told me he had decided to not look at it anymore. Our sex life isnt depriving him either....we mess around at least once a day. But considering the male perspective on porn and masterbating.... im not entirely sure hes being 100% honest about not doing any of it, but I never expected him to either.

Just because he's decided to give up things, doesnt mean I forced him to.

 

 

we've been arguing about things like money, my family, school, work.... and THATS whats been getting me down. He's also cheated on me once, which I am also afraid he'll do when we're apart.

[NatoPMT]

I dont think i misinterpreted your post at all. Plus you were reactive to advice you didn’t like/didn’t feel appropriate, and Outcast could have been referring to either your attitude or your partner’s.

 

As I said in my last post, i feel that your bf has some sort of issue otherwise he wouldn’t suggest he kept all activity to joint activity with you. Now you mention his infidelity - maybe he is paying penance for that and that is the issue. He might think his abstinence will make you feel more trusting towards him. It doesn’t sound as if the infidelity has been full dealt with because you fear he will do it again, understandably. He may be overcompensating for what he’s done by saying he’ll respect you in this p.orn issue. If he makes over zealous statements, you don’t believe them as you know they are over zealous.

 

In addition, you feel that LS’ers are not clear in understanding what you are communicating, maybe your communication isn’t as clear as you think with him either. For eg, you say

 

“I dont think porn is healthy in a relationship, and we talked about it once, I never asked him to give it up.”

 

There’s a confliction there, he knows you don’t like him looking, but you didn’t ask him to give it up. Then:

 

“Weeks later he told me he had decided to not look at it anymore”

 

He may be reading your signals and doing everything he can to do what he can to be who you want him to be – then you reject what he’s offered by posting that you don’t believe him. He will know you don’t believe him.

 

You need to establish if this is still the fallout from the infidelity, and fix that first. If you concentrate on issues since that have arisen BECAUSE of the infidelity, then the issues will just keep coming, albeit in different forms.

[amerikajin]

Look, there's nothing to discuss here. If you 'just don't feel it' then just don't get married - period.

 

Why lead your partner on and making him believe you're ready for a commitment when you aren't really sure if that's what you want?

[Lonestar]

Look, there's nothing to discuss here. If you 'just don't feel it' then just don't get married - period.

 

 

What??? They're getting married? Boy, do I see a divorce waiting to happen. Make sure you get pregnant right away, so you also have to go through a custody battle for a couple years. If you're going to set yourself up for failure, make sure you go the whole length of the field.

[blind_otter]

Lemme tell ya. Regardless. If you don't feel it, like Amer said, don't do it.

 

Seems like you have lost some of the foundation of trust in your relationship. Maybe you should postpone the wedding until you have re-established that bond....otherwise look forward to years of arguing until there's so much water under the bridge that you can't reconcile.

[NatoPMT]

you lot are harsh, its clear she shouldn't get married but she doesn't need booting in the backside while you tell her.

[blind_otter]

you lot are harsh, its clear she shouldn't get married but she doesn't need booting in the backside while you tell her.

 

I'm sorry. Maybe it's the fact that I made that exact mistake marrying someone when I didn't exactly feel it, with disastrous results. Maybe it's the fact that she didn't seem to pull any punches, so I assumed she could take a tone similar to what she dished out.

 

Context clues, and all that.

[NatoPMT]

Wasn't you I was referring to at all BO, i thought your post was well thought out - you posted seconds before i did so i didnt see your post until after mine came up - i should have quoted!

 

I was referring to:

 

Make sure you get pregnant right away, so you also have to go through a custody battle for a couple years. If you're going to set yourself up for failure, make sure you go the whole length of the field.

 

and:

 

Look, there's nothing to discuss here. If you 'just don't feel it' then just don't get married - period.

 

Why lead your partner on and making him believe you're ready for a commitment when you aren't really sure if that's what you want?

 

Just because she's not ready for marriage now doesn't mean they cant work out what the problem is and give their relationship a chance.

 

Maybe it's the fact that she didn't seem to pull any punches

 

Thats true enough.

[WoWaddict]

I can understand where everyone is coming from. But thanks to BigBelm for backing me up.

 

its not the advice im rejecting, its the fact that everytime a guy gives up something it's blamed on the woman the p!sses me off. Yeah, and almost everyones been more a little on the harsh side.

 

I talked to him about some things recently. It's been mostly the arguing about money, and family, and school and whatnot thats been bringing everyone down. we've also been planning a big move to another state. I think its the stress thats been doing it. But I really dont want the spark we have to die before we get married. We've been working on some things, but I dont think arguing is a reason to disregard the 4 years we've known each other and have been together, and call off the engagement. All I wanted was some support or advice in weathering the rough patch we've been going through. Maybe someone else went through the same thing. I dont know. I really wasnt expecting to be torn a new one, by people who are quick to judge and jump on the details of my post that werent even important, and not what i was even asking advice on.

 

But for everyone who made sarcastic comments about the wedding.

we havent set a wedding date for a reason, and that reason being that I am not rushing to get married. He wanted to get married right away, but I was the one that said hold your horses. I want to make sure that he's the right one, because I believe marriage is sacred. And I certainly dont want kids until we are both financially stable, which I dont see happening until my late twenties or so. Because i dont believe in bringing a child into the world unless you are fully able to love and care for it, and only in a happy home.

[amerikajin]

Just because she's not ready for marriage now doesn't mean they cant work out what the problem is and give their relationship a chance.

 

I didn't say otherwise. But for now, she just shouldn't get married. There's simply no gray area here. The last thing you want to do is to get married when you aren't 'feeling it'.

[WoWaddict]

the other problem i'm having too.... he feels like because he is the man and the provider that he has the upper hand in the relationship. It drives me nuts. He makes important decisions, such as details on the move, buying a new car, etc etc without taking into consideration my feelings. Most of the time he doesnt even ask me, he tells me that he's doing it and it's 'for the best'. How do i get him to knock that crap off?

[Becoming]

I think Lonestar was giving you back some of that sassy sarcasm you gave to BeFree;) with regard to the children.

 

Good for you that you're looking before you leap. My husband moved to TN the year before we got married, and it was a bad year. Being apart can lead to a lot of misunderstandings. I wish there'd been something like http://www.marriagebuilders.com around back when we got married to help us through all the issues we'd have to face before we set up relational patterns that hurt both of us. Check that site out and a site on things to discuss before you get married (premarital counseling questions).

 

Learn how to fight fair so you don't hurt one another. That's crucial. As you work through all these issues, know what it is you want, negotiate for it, and know how far you're willing to give on some issues and the point at which you can go no further without compromising yourself.

 

But listen to your red flags because though it may have been harshly stated, the posts are right: you'll save yourself a lot of years by walking away now before marriage and a few kids than later.