TearfulNewMom Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 I am upset and hurt by my husband of 5 years. I have always been there for him. But he has really made my life a living hell right now. He knew when we first got married. Actually before that that I was not the type of woman who approved of their mate looking at porn. I am not going to lie. I have very low self esteem. I know that I am pretty and some men think I am hot. But I want my husband to feel that way about me. Instead he goes behind my back and trys to hide it. I had his son 1/1/06 at 4 in the morning and he rushed straight home and didnt spend anytime with us at the hospital and left our other son at my mothers. He wasnt working at the time either. Instead at 7 that same night he is at home on the computer downloading porn. What a great husband. The following days while I was in the hospital he didnt much come and see us. I had to almost beg him. He had plans. He is 27 and hangs out with my teenage cousins. One is in college and comes in to town and visits from campus. My husband asked me a few weeks ago if he could go to campus and spend the night up there. A married man with 2 boys wants to go stay at a coed dorm! This struck me as odd. He hasnt touched me much. Doesnt kiss me much. Doesnt want me so it seems. Hardly can he hold a job. I have stuck by him through times any other woman would run. Through the drugs and him stealing money from me and our family. And I have caught him on a webcam jacking off to other women but that was when we 1st met. After that he promised not to do this again. Water under the bridge so I thought. A few other times over the years I have caught him looking at porn again. And always the same I am sorry I didnt mean to hurt you. I wont do it again. So I forgive and try to forget. Then when I was pregnant with our newest son. I was hardly even showing. I was asleep and woke up to him bent over nude at the computer in a CHAT ROOM taking to a girl trying to find the web cam! I blew up but I love him and want him to stop and quit hurting me so I let it go once again. Now it all is way to much. The depression is here I cant hide it or let go this time so easy. I really have hate for him. To be looking at porn and jacking off while I am in the hospital recovering from a C-section where I just had his son a few hours ago. I just dont think he will ever stop and respect my feelings. I cant stand him looking at porn I admit it. It makes me feel like less of a woman and I will never measure up to what he is looking at. I feel that at any minute he will or has cheated on me. He just isnt the man I fell in love with anymore. It is pointless to talk about it. He gets mad and says he is sorry and it wont happen again. It always does. He sees my pain and doesnt care that it hurts me. He is always on the computer playing games when he comes home. He doesnt hold me or kiss me (well I get a peak on the lips I guess that counts) But I want more. I am married I want to feel like I am the only one. I want to be loved so much that my heart will explode. I want to make love not feel like a sperm catcher. I want to feel him touch me again. Is this asking to much. Can this marriage be saved? How can I fix this. What can I do. I have babies that I want to raise with this man. But not the way we have been. Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Most women in your situation will hang on and keep trying to make it work, until they just can't hang on anymore. The man rarely changes. Sorry to be blunt but that is the truth. In your case it is not so much the porn that is the problem but the general disregard he shows you and also his lack of maturity and responsibility. While you are going through this process, you can find support here and validation for your feelings. Lots of people who will empathize with what you are going through because they have been through it themselves. You will want to hang on to the hope for change for a long time, most probably. It is very hard to let go. That is normal too. It hurts alot, but try to look at this relationship and what it might be like in a few years. He probably won't change. And you will be so frustrated. Try to remember that it is not you and anything you have done, it is just the way he is. If you can, get into counselling to improve your self-esteem. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Ask him if he'll go to counselling with you. If he agrees, go. I don't think anyone should quit on a relationship without at least trying to get help to make it work Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 It sounds like he's reverting backwards...To childhood and teenaged days. Wants NO responsibility put on him and doesn't want to have any accountability of his actions. He needs to GROW UP and realize that is HE married to you and has 2 children! I agree with Outcast. Get some marriage counselling and see if that helps. He just sounds VERY immature right now...Maybe some therapy is what he really needs. My best guess is, he's just plain scared. Link to post Share on other sites
whyohwhy Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Right. Porn is not the key problem here. If he were loving, faithful, attentive, responsible, and honest, or at least some of the above, you could probably handle viewing porn. (NOT him custom creating it for some bimbo via webcam....or vice versa.) Please try a mariage builders program, and best of luck to you in a very rough situation. Hope your zebra can change his stripes... Link to post Share on other sites
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