Why is SEX/Lovemaking/Intimacy such a big issue?

[Heavenlyflower9]

I've been around LS for awhile now and whenever I needed advice yall have been real helpful! Thanks! And helping others made me feel good. Feel free to read my past threads. But lately....I've been at that point again where, I don't know what to do. Not sure! Hubby and I have both been through alot. Of course, I feel H still has'nt understood yet, that because of all that's happened in the past, I am who I am today. I can't change and nor do I expect him to.

 

Our relationship/ marriage life period has improved! We are more open than we were ever. We communicate! Don't think we're completely honest with one another though but we talk. Everything seems to be going good for us now. The past couple of months have been fine with H. H works full-time and has kept his job for 8 months now. I'm still at home with the kids and I think i'll stay home for at least another year. Anyways..

 

When we were living with his/my family. SEX was always our big argument. Still is, even though we have our own place now. Either I did'nt want to because kids were in same room or I just felt wierd in general of doing it in their houses'. Plus, I was just so stressed!! It was different when we were'nt married yet and had no kids. It was fun being sneaky or wanting someone to catch us. But we're not that young anymore.

 

Lately almost every night, once we're in bed he starts messing with me, like touching my breasts, butt etc. I'm tired and rather cuddle. He gets mad and we start arguing.If it was up to me? I'd go without it. There are times when I get in the mood and we make love. Or when he does and I just give in to make him happy. Our average is 3-4 times a week since we moved to our place. Before the move,like 2-3 times a month. Big Jump right?

 

It's like since he's(correction we've) getting more, he wants MORE and MORE. I'm not a nympho. 2-3 times a week is fine. He wants it every night. He said that awhile back I told him things will get better in the SEX dept. once we had our own place. It has but not good enough I guess. H also said now that we have our own room and kids sleep in other room that we should use this opportunity. We do!! but why does it have to be every night?

 

I started getting upset and said a stupid remark. That if I'm not all he wants me to be then why is he with me? Maybe he needs a nympfo woman. He said well so what you want me to find someone else? I got so pissed and wanted to bring up #&%$ from the past. I have NEVER cheated nor do I chose to. He feels that I am not happy. Why? Because I won't have SEX with him every night. I don't understand. I am happy though. Maybe he is'nt happy. But he says is he? Sometimes I feel that the only reason(s) why he's staying is because of the kids. He says no! That's the part where I think we're not completely honest to each other. Not talking anymore, we end up falling asleep. Then wake up like it never happened.

 

I'm probably just rambling on and on. Not making any sense. Confusing yall. Sorry. We talk to each other but.... oh i don't know. He tends to make SEX/Intimacy a big issue. It's not a big deal for me. I love him I do. I feel that there are other ways of also showing it besides doing that. Well, I think i wrote enough sorry so long. Thanks for taking the time to read and for any posts.

Heaven

[Darkwall]

The good thing is he wants you all the time, he can't resist you and wants to be with you. That's excellent. It's normal for one partner to be more sexually driven than the other. He has a high sex drive and you not so much. That doesn't make him a nympho and that certainly doesn't mean you have a problem either. The problem is though that your drives are in a different gear. I think you need to communicate on a more compassionate level. He probably feels neglected or probably thinks you're selfish. You're not. But, their has to be some kind of compromise. I know a couple who went through the exact same thing. Even I thought her husband was a sex maniac. Somehow they found a way to have a great sex life where both are satisfied. I don't think going to bed mad at each other is going to fix anything, especially ignoring the problem. You're a couple and it takes two to make it work. Try reading some sex books for advice. But, not having sex at all is punishing BOTH of you. Sex is a connection, take your time and find ways to teach each other what makes you happy.

[Outcast]

If you can't negotiate an arrangement that will satisfy you both and take into account your differing sex drives, enlist a counsellor to help you do it. It's a mistake to blame each other for the fact that your sex drives differ.

 

As for you, if you actively dislike sex and don't enjoy it, you should talk to your physician about it. Could be you can benefit from some of the treatments they have these days for women who have lost their libidos.

[witabix]

Previous posts were excellent, good advice.

 

I echo all that was said.

 

Sex is important in a relationship and here is why I think so. (Please note the highlighting!)

 

A relationship is not a tangible thing. It can not be picked up and examined, it cannot be bought, washed, painted or hired.

 

It exists totally within the minds of the two people involved. It is IMHO all about communication.

 

I use and understand the word communication in this context as embodying these things with examples of the types of reactions when it goes wrong..

 

Verbal communication. (He wont open up to me)

 

Non verbal communication. (He seems distant)

 

Understanding, yourself and each other. (We seem to want different things)

 

Emotional closeness. (He is so cold towards me)

 

Physical intimacy. (He won't come near me)

 

Sexual intimacy. (He always refuses me for sex)

 

Behaviours. (He stays out in the bar with his friends)

 

If there is a problem in one area it can get blown out of proportion and start to affect the others.

 

Talk to each other, calmly, try to convey what you feel, don't accuse, don't get defensive, don't berate, don't tell them that they are lucky, negotiate for sure but don't 'buy' one aspect at the expense on another. For me its a whole package, it has to be, for me, to be a true relationship. Otherwise it something else, for me anyway.

 

I am sure I will be told I am being unrealistic.

 

Oh just in case you are wondering I am a non female.

[Kenyth]

Water is wet, sand is gritty, and relationships are complicated.

 

Fish swim, birds fly, and men generally like to have sex more than women on average.

 

Do you see where I'm coming from here? Testosterone is known to directly affect libido. It's a proven scientific fact. Men have a great deal more testosterone than women. It's a proven scientific fact.

 

Biologically, we're doomed to have this problem. It's a primitive leftover from the evolutionary time before monogamy was the norm. In many animals, competition and agression is how males make sure their genetic material is passed on and other males genes aren't. A high sex drive is crucial in this kind of environment.

[Thinkalot]

I think trying to understand there is a natural difference between you in this area, and then respecting that difference without either attacking the other is key. then maybe you can realise you are both in a sense meeting in the middle. He could have it more, you could have it less. But you are understanding the others needs and trying to respect them. Talk about this in those terms perhaps. Good luck.

[loudog]

I have heard this many times on this board...

 

"boo hoo my husband wants sex from all the time he is never satified"

 

If thats the biggest issue in your marriage you need to count your blessings.

 

One of the key reasons why guys marry women is that they enjoy sex with them more than the others they have been with...if they didn't most likely you would be their wife...

 

They see you...particularly naked and available in bed...guess where there minds go...to a large degree it is not preventable on their part...live with it.

 

That said men need, on average, sex more...keep denying them it and guess what?...they will find it somewhere else...not a threat a reality.

 

As we age sex will wane in frequency etc...it happens...during your youth you can do it alot and should...feast while its good.

 

My suggestion...quit complaining and enjoy it...last I knew it really wasn't that difficult to do.

 

Lou

[Curmudgeon]

The three terms you used, sex, lovemaking and intimacy, are not necessarily interchangeable. You can have sex without making love or being intimate. You can be intimate without having sex but you can't make love without intimacy, nor can a marriage survive without it.

 

Perhaps you and your husband would benefit from having a conversation, not a confrontation, about the differences.

[whichwayisup]

Excellent post Curmudgeon! I agree 100%

[Curmudgeon]

Unfortunately, it's a bit of a voice of experience with all three.

[barfool]

I had a problem with this in a LTR. I found that it had a kind of snowball effect.

 

If I didn't want sex and he tried to get it then I was bothered. The next time he tried I would have some resentment that would make me want sex even less. This kept going on until I was no longer able to enjoy sex with him. If I could have somehow let myself enjoy my sexuality rather than holding a grudge then I could have ben much happier.

[Curmudgeon]

I wasn't always this way but now I try my best to let things go and not hold grudges. In my mind, anger is simply wasted emotional energy baqsed in fear that's better spent on more pleasant pursuits.

[Heavenlyflower9]

Thanks for all the posts! I have nothing wrong with any of the three. They all play an important role in any marriage. It makes both feel better and seem more relaxed too. Hubby and I spoke about it- NO confrontation. We started laughing about it. He then looked up some info online about why sex is important. To name a few....

1. Sex is like a antihistamine, clears your nose when it's stuffy.

2. You can burn about 7,500 calories alone doing it.

3. Keeps your skin and hair shiny!

4. It beats running/ exercise and it's fun.

 

Don't remember the website though... try google.

 

Hubby and I are compromising now when it somes to sex. He agrees that 2-3 times a week is better than 3 times a month. I'm looking at it too from a different angle. Not too bad.

Communication is the key!!!