How to deal with her parents.

[Max]

Hello,

 

I haven't seen alot of postings here on how to deal with your mate's parents, but I guess I'll give it a try. Here it goes:

 

My girlfriend and I have been going out for about 8 months. She is in grad school right now, and plans to return home (in a different city) after she graduates. Things are great between us. We enjoy each other's company, we have a lot of fun together, and we love each other.

 

However, her parents, especially her mom, don't think I am a good man for her. Mostly because I am not a medical doctor (her folks are obsessed with having a MD in the family) and I don't live in her home town, so I would have to relocate, which they believe would hamper my career development.

 

(yes I know how rediculous this sounds, but they have very rigid asian beliefs, so I don't plan on confronting their opinions. Her mom is also very overbearing(sp?), and bombards her daughter with the MD bs whenever she has a chance.)

 

I work as a software engineer, hence starting a career in medicine is out of the question. But these things I have done:

 

1) I am working on my masters degree by taking weekend courses.

 

2) My boss allows me to relocate, and keep the job. I'll work remotely by telecommuting.

 

3) When her parents visited us, I showed them around the city, took them shopping, brought them to dinners.

 

Now, the question from all of you is, what is my girlfriend's standpoint? She is very close to her parents, and has been brought up as a very obedient daughter. Her almost absolute obedience, coupled with her mom's endless nagging of my perceived "disqualification", is putting her into a very tough spot.

 

So what can I do to keep her? Or at least get her mom off her case?

 

Thanks in advance.

[midori]

So what can I do to keep her? Or at least get her mom off her case?

Alas, I don't think there is anything you can do to get her to see her mom differently -- and you shouldn't want to anyway. Family relationships are very tricky and woe to the outsider who tries to intervene and "fix" things. It's really up to your gf to decide that she wants to be her own person, that she rejects some of her mother's standards and attitudes. If she's made it to grad school without questioning any of the beliefs instilled in her by her family, it may well be because she doesn't want to.

 

The fact that your gf is straddling the fence, so to speak, by dating someone her parents don't approve of does suggest that maybe in her heart she's not completely in line with their viewpoint. But she's going to have to decide if that's something she wants to explore & confront. What you could do is be very upfront with her rather than allow these unpleasant issues to simmer away in the background. Ask her what's up, does she want to make a life with someone lacking an M.D. after his name, and if so how is she going to reconcile her decision with her parents' ambitions? Tell her plainly that while you respect her close family ties you're not willing to live in a situation being slowly and perpetually poisoned by her parents' ill-will and resentment. How does she plan to resolve things? It's up to her.

 

Good luck!

[sparkle]

You said, "However, her parents, especially her mom, don't think I am a good man for her. Mostly because I am not a medical doctor (her folks are obsessed with having a MD in the family) and I don't live in her home town, so I would have to relocate, which they believe would hamper my career development."

 

Did her mother tell you this? Or did she tell your girlfriend and then your girlfriend told you? If her mother told you this directly, politely tell her to butt out.

 

But if your girlfriend is telling you all this, tell your girlfriend to speak up to her mother about what she wants. She needs to tell her mother that her pressuring her bothers her, and that being a doctor has nothing to do with being a good husband. She can tell her that the person she chooses to marry will be her own decision, and end the conversation.

 

Your girlfriend shouldn't even have to tell you all this. She should be able to make her mother stop nagging her. It's not your fault, and only party the mother's fault. Your girlfriend needs to be able to speak up for herself, and set things straight.

 

If she can't do this, seriously reconsider marrying her. Can you imagine how married life with her would be like, with her not being able to make her own decisions, and her mother always telling her what to do?

[IAm20HeIs30]

Your girlfriend shouldn't even have to tell

you all this. She should be able to make her mother stop nagging her. It's not your fault, and only party the mother's fault. Your girlfriend needs to be able to speak up for herself, and set things straight.

I'll just say that as a daughter in a situation where the mother doesn't approve of the boyfriend is pretty tough. The "make her mother stop nagging her" comment is not such an easy thing to do. Some parents are just downright stubborn and all the speaking up for one's self doesn't really help when all the parent sees is how much they care for their child.

 

I'm just saying that parents are stubborn when it comes to what they want for their kids and it takes a lot more then just speaking up for yourself to get them to back down. Especially when they feel that they don't have to back down because they are the parent.

[IAm20HeIs30]

Ok this will probably be long. Sorry!

 

I am in a similar situation in that my mother does not approve of my relationship with my boyfriend. I hope I can bring you some perspective on how to help your girlfriend.

Now, the question from all of you is, what is my girlfriend's standpoint?

Maybe you should be asking HER this.

 

What can you do to get her mom off her case?

 

Nothing. Her mom has her opinion and if your girlfriend has made up her mind to be with you despite what her parents think, then that is just the way it is; there is nothing anyone can do to fix reality. There is no in between where her parents will magically decide not to object. There is no way to make her mother stop pressuring her. Her mother is her own person and she is allowed to do whatever she wants, whether right or wrong. She is just being herself and no one has the right to ask her to act differently That is what I learned from being in the situation. My mother pressures me about my relationship but I decided I just have to deal with it and accept it because that is just her being her. Just like I don't want her to keep pressuring me to stop seeing my boyfriend (that would be asking me behave out of character), I can't ask her to act differently in the situation (because that would be asking her to act like someone other then herself)

So what can I do to keep her?

What I believe you can do is continue to support your girlfriend and respect whatever decisions she makes. This is what my boyfriend does and it helps me immensely. The most important thing to your girlfriend is that she does what she wants to do to make her happy, whatever that decision is. If you love her then this will be important to you also. It means a lot to me that my boyfriend does not make the decision for me by saying well your mother doesn't approve so I will leave you alone to make things easier for you and her. Similarly he doesn't beg me to stay with him and forget about my mom's feelings. He leaves the decision up to me. I'm the one that is torn between what I want and the pressure from my mom. It means a lot that he doesn't make the decision for me, especially when that is exactly what my mom is try to do. Its frustrating too because sometimes I don't know what to do and he won't tell me either. But in the end its good because it means I'm making the decision for myself. If you want to keep her, then support her and be there. Be yourself and ask her to not to do anything more then be herself. If she has enough courage to stick it out then she won't go anywhere.

 

Relationships change all the time. Maybe it is time for her relationship to change with her parents and as hard as that is, there isn't anything to fix it. I'll say this, no relationship is without its problems. Anything worth having usually takes hard work to get it. Just hang in there and continue to support her and stay true to yourself. Focus on you and her.

 

Sorry about the length, but your problem is just so similar to mine.