honda12345 Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Usually during break-up, the person being dumped would swear to CHANGE and make him/herself a better person in order to save the relationship or for a second chance. How much change is satisfactory change? Some even say people don't change? And how do you show that you have changed without looking desperate? Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 It entirely depends on the 'what' that needs changing. Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 When I was dumped by my x-fiance a couple years ago, I went through a huge tranformation. I got tired of being treated like shlt. I changed so much...for the better...that now I have different taste in men period. My x-fiance came back into my life...cause he liked the changes I was making. But, he no longer fascinated me anymore. I made the changes for myself and myself only...not to save any relationship or get somebody back. If you need to change your ways...it won't work if you are doing it for anyone else but yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Kengne Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Usually during break-up, the person being dumped would swear to CHANGE and make him/herself a better person in order to save the relationship or for a second chance. How much change is satisfactory change? Some even say people don't change? And how do you show that you have changed without looking desperate? I sense that this change is get your ex back. And if that is the case, then it won't truly work because any change should be motivated from within & not from outside. Please focus on yourself and not winning back your ex. K. Link to post Share on other sites
skeptik224 Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 I agree that change should be done for you own well-being...not someone else's or have any alterior motives. Whether your ex is going to come back or not should be irrevelant. We all have change and growth we need to do. My ex broke up with me because she wanted to learn, grow and some other things. I'm not sure that she's doing what she needs to do or just keeping busy dating around to avoid it. Either way, I've learned that there are a lot of issues I need to work on within myself. Those issues didn't even affect my relationship but came out after the break up. If YOU feel you should change, YOU should change - but for YOURSELF - not for the sake of SOMEONE ELSE. Link to post Share on other sites
NightsEcho Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 My .02 cents When my ex ended it with me, I swore I would change and become something else. So for the next few months I changed into what I thought she wanted me to be. After I realized I was doing all this compromising of who I was, and still wasent registering on her radar, I started to REALLY make changes for me. EVeryone is right on here about making changes for yourself, my point is that it merely takes time to realize what changes are right....that voice in your head may lead you astray....but more often then not it will also get you back on the right path. Cheers NE Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 I made the changes for myself and myself only...not to save any relationship or get somebody back. If you need to change your ways...it won't work if you are doing it for anyone else but yourself. Bingo. Changes have to be made for yourself, not for someone else. Otherwise they won't stick very long. Only sincere changes you feel you need to make for the better of yourself will actually work. Changing for someone else is nonsense and will only make you look worse in their eyes as they will see right through it. Link to post Share on other sites
grace2005 Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 What if I believe I shouldn't change? Should I change anyway? There's no way I would make changes for myself. Someone else has to motivate me. What if I like the way I am but others don't? Should I still change? All the changes I've made have been because others expect me to not because I want to do it for myself. To me there is no reward in changing for myself. There are plenty of rewards in changing for other people. I don't believe in self improvement unless I know I'm going to get something in return. Link to post Share on other sites
lost in translation Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 If you don't think you have to change then don't! I tried to change for a man and believe me they are not going to be happy w/you trying to be something you are not. In fact, in my case it seemed like he lost all respect for me. Think of it from his point of view. How pathetic would you think a guy was if he changed himself for you. I can see if it is drinking, flirting w/other guys, drugs or harming yourself or others, but changing you're personality for someone else. The right guy is out there who is going to love you for you. Don't settle for someone obviously isn't for you. Its a waste of time. Let him go and find yourself someone he thinks you're fine just the way you are. Link to post Share on other sites
grace2005 Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 If you don't think you have to change then don't! I tried to change for a man and believe me they are not going to be happy w/you trying to be something you are not. In fact, in my case it seemed like he lost all respect for me. Think of it from his point of view. How pathetic would you think a guy was if he changed himself for you. I can see if it is drinking, flirting w/other guys, drugs or harming yourself or others, but changing you're personality for someone else. The right guy is out there who is going to love you for you. Don't settle for someone obviously isn't for you. Its a waste of time. Let him go and find yourself someone he thinks you're fine just the way you are. I'm a guy by the way. The right woman will never come because no woman that I know of can accept who I am. The only thing my ex wanted me to change was the way I dealt with my emotions. I recently got back into self mutilation since I'm not with her anymore. She was bothered by the fact that I cut myself which was what caused the break up the first time. I stopped for about a year but I began to miss that lifestyle. I didn't cheat on her or flirt with other women, or get drunk. She didn't ask me to get a better job or get more college education. Most women don't want guys who don't have a college education but she didn't care. She considers me to be a handsome intelligent guy. Bottom line was that I decided I didn't want to give up the self mutilation. That's another reason I dumped her in the end. I have no intentions of getting help for it. I want a woman who is willing to ignore the fact that I engage in this lifestyle. The right woman needs to be able to ignore the scars and cuts on my body and not question me about it. It's my body & my problem not hers. For her to tell me that what I'm doing is not normal and that I need help is very controlling. I don't want a woman telling me how to treat my body. That's none of her concern. She aint my mother. If I wanted a woman to dictate my life I would've just moved back in with my mom for another 40 years. Link to post Share on other sites
grace2005 Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 Alot of people don't understand self mutilation. It's very easy for anyone to pass judgement on me if they have never gotten involved in that activity. The ones who don't understand it treat me like an outcast and persecute me. They don't understand that I have a certain way of dealing with my emotional pain. Everyone has their own way of dealing with their depression and that's fine as long as it does not physically hurt others in the process. So I get rejected for the way I deal with my emotions even though I'm not hurting anyone. I mind my own business. The woman I love should mind her own business too. My friends need to mind their own business and back off. I'm a very complex individual. I don't see things as black & white all the time. I think it's a stupid reason to leave someone just because they cut themselves. That shows the dumper doesn't understand what love is at all. 80% of LS members have no idea what love is about. But that's all cool. We're human. We are not God. God doesn't give up or reject anybody but human beings do. So if everyone on here wants to continue persecuting me and treating me like an outcast & disrespect me for the decisions I make go ahead and continue to do so. I just thank God none of you are God. I would be in a world of hurt if God had the same way of treating people as humanity does. Link to post Share on other sites
dahlia Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 I am so sorry you are hurting. You know what, if you were my b/f, I would be sooooo worried about you. Maybe your ex didn't go about things the right way, but, maybe she figured if she left you would not hurt yourself anymore. Here's the thing: b/c people like me, and your girlfriend, who do not cut themselves do not understand you, it doesn't mean that we don't understand that when people feel emotional pain they use different outlets: for you it's cutting, for many it's booze, for others it's drugs, for some it's food, for others it's exercise. So don't think I am coming down on you, b/c I am not But here's the thing. The way that I loved my ex/b/f 's body, I would never have wanted to see scars on it that were unnecessary. I loved his body so much, I didn't want to see any harm come to it. Can you sort of understand this? Maybe that's why your g/f was trying to in your words "control" you. She just didn't understand your expression of emotional pain, and it saddened her to see you have bodily harm. try to look at it this way Link to post Share on other sites
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