Clueless?

[Shark Skin]

It doesn't sound like you can do much more. Other than the letter, have you expressed these feelings to him face to face? Even though you have these strong feelings toward him, you already expressed how you felt to him, I think you should pull away a little and not proceed any further. You don't want him to feel like your forcing the issue and if he really does have these strong feelings toward you, than wait for him to initiate it.

[fraidycat]

Okay look- I am crazy about the maintenance man and if I knew he felt mutual I would sing outside his window- I would , I really would. It's crazy and I would never normally do such a thing..but this guy makes me feel crazy happy and he makes me feel in a way I don't normally feel. This guy has had no previous girlfriends? He's probably siking himself out then and that's why he is being so..mysterious shall we call it? I'm telling you lady you got one chance here to do the craziest thing that this man inspires you to do for him out of love and after that he still plays distant daniel- well then you'll have your answer

[Almost]

Superfantastico is pretty much right about this guy. But I think this guy's parents are so wierd that this guy is going to have relationship problems far into adulthood.

 

Kisu, you guys need to get off the computer, and spend more time together in person. It sounds like this has happened some recently, but you have never actually *talked* about your feelings about each other in person, only on the computer. The next time you guys get together in person, you need to have a real conversation about all the feelings you have written in your emails to each other. Even if things seem to be going well. Tell him how you feel and make him start to talk about his feelings out loud and in person, with you there. It will be way different than discussing things through the computer. Then, assuming things go well after this, you guys need to kiss and start making out.

[Kisu]

I ended it. I simply can’t handle a relationship. I don’t know if it’s a maturity thing on my part, or if his… maybe both. All I know is I can’t handle it anymore, so I broke it off.

 

It was going so great, but… there was still something wrong, and it took me a long time to figure out what it was, but I know now; His general indifference to the whole thing (for whatever underlying reason). We still hadn’t talked, and I knew if we didn’t talk soon it would just build up more and get really bad… and it was clear he’d never start a talk.

 

Things also got worse for him at home, with his parents taking his computer away entirely. …but then I finally heard his mom’s side of the story. Hearing what his mother had to say, and why she did what she did, it makes a lot more sense. Though the punishment was WAY too harsh for the ‘crime’ (in my opinion), I decided that it shouldn’t have anything to do with the way he treats me (with such indifference and passiveness).

 

I tried for two weeks to talk to him, but it was near impossible for me to just approach him and say “lets go talk”. It was like telling him how much I liked him all over again – I just couldn’t do it. …and the crying began. I’ve cried for two weeks, including today, frustrated with everything.

 

Part way through this I calmed myself and gathered the nerve to say, “can we talk tomorrow at lunch”, and he agreed to. The next day at lunch he said he’d rather talk when we went skiing with friends… looking back I shouldn’t have agreed to that, but I did.

 

We went out and had a good time with each other and friends, and then… We had maybe five minutes to ourselves where we ‘talked’. I blanked out and couldn’t think of what to say, and so he went and vented about his parents. I finally said I was frustrated, and he said he knew that, and then basically blamed his parents for it… I didn’t know what to think of that so I just let him get it off his chest (his voice was shaking…).

He said that while he may seem all happy at school, he really isn’t okay. I wanted to tell him I’d be there to listen when he needed to vent, that I’d help him get through this hard time with his parents however I could… but my mind was just… empty. I couldn’t think of anything to say at the time. I told him about how I kept blanking out.

 

Later that day, since I never got to say what I wanted to say, I tried again to talk to him, blanked out again, and the only thing I could say was a shaky “I don’t feel like you care at all…”.

He said he didn’t know what to say to that, so I told him then to say nothing, that was just how I felt. We went into a long silence, to a point where I couldn’t take it anymore, and just walked away to cry more (this crying is just pathetic already… I never used to get like this).

 

Since then I’ve been really withdrawn and don’t want to go near him, can’t look at him or talk to him. …and to this day he’s he stayed away, seeming indifferent to all this happening. I’m an emotional mess on the other hand.

 

I was just sick of seeing him cheerfully talk to everyone but me while I was feeling hurt, while I sit in a corner crying or feeling miserable. I was sick of my other male friends being the ones to ask what was wrong or comfort me, while the one that I love and care about so much walks away as if nothing is wrong at all. It just made me think, why do I care about him and his problems if he can treat me like this? If we can’t even support each other then we have nothing. Heck if we can’t even talk we have nothing.

 

I tried to get the nerve to talk to him again, but I just couldn’t… and today (I decided today would be the decision day), I finally decided to end it, because I can’t keep crying like this, stuck in this emotional rut. I tried to talk to his face but I couldn’t… so I wrote a note quickly with my final thoughts… but I couldn’t get the nerve to give him that either! One of my best friends saw me so upset and offered to give it to him for me (when I talked to my friend later he said he had NO idea that the letter was me breaking it off, and was lost for words), I was so upset I just handed it over without thinking.

 

I haven’t seen him since. I don’t know what his reaction was. All I know is that I still love him despite it all and I feel like I’ve died inside. I’ve even felt regret a few times… but I think this had to be done. I can’t do this anymore.

I don’t even think I could go back to being just friends… it would be too painful.

 

So I wait… though the only thing I’m waiting for now is the pain to go away.

 

Thanks all for the support, opinions, and points of view. I really appreciate it.

 

 

By the way, Almost, that’s what my goal had been for a very long time. I wanted a real relationship instead of a virtual one. Just never happened… I seem to be too emotionally weak to handle it anyway.

[Kisu]

No response from him at all... I passed him once in the hall and out of the corner of my eye I saw he looked at me, but I couldn't look back. I just felt so sad... I feel like if I see his eyes again I'll just die of sorrow right there.

 

I'm confused and lost now... I can't understand what just happened... it was going good then BAM we couldn't talk to eachother anymore, and I couldn't even look at him. Why?!

 

I feel like I rushed into breaking it off, that I should have stuck around a little longer. Should have gotten the nerve to talk it out and work it out one last time. I still love him so much... I miss him already and I feel like I've made a mistake... I feel like I'm dying of regret.

 

I thought breaking it off would make me feel better, more free... but I feel worse, I feel horrible, crushed, and very regretful. I've been crying more often and harder than I did before.

 

I keep trying to shut him out, putting away things that remind me of him (but everything does...), I avoid him like the plague at school against my will (I want to see him so bad, but I know I'll just be sad).

 

...and then I find something that he did for me in the past, or remember something we did together... and I cry harder.

 

I keep thinking "what have I done?"

[InTheWeirdZone]

I would just move on and find someone that cares for you as much as it sounded like you cared for him. It sounds like you deserve it.

[Mary3]

I think you are feeling the most common of feelings that a dumper faces....feelings of regret , remorse and you want him back..

 

Now ask yourself : Did you really give him a fair chance. ?

 

In reading your general discription of him...

 

He sounds like more a shy loner type who was not demostrative with affection.

Highly likely he was never given much affection and rarely had ( if any ) girlfriends according to you...

 

Do you really miss him ? Care for him ? Love him ?

 

Then go talk to him. !

 

I would say something like this : You know Steven I broke up with you because I was sad that you were not being very affectionate and I was confused about us.. I feel I was wrong and I rushed this because I need to understand you better. Would you be willing to give us another chance ? :"

 

Thats what I would say if you are SURE that you love this man and are reacting to his lack of affection and other issues..

[Kisu]

I really do love and care for him still... I feel like I rushed this... I regret it so much that I can't live with myslelf right now. I can't eat or sleep properly, I try to get preoccupied but my thoughts just go back to how harsh I was in the letter... how unfair it was of me to just explode like that without ever explaining to him clearly what I was having trouble understanding about 'us'.

 

I realise that by now he may not even want to try talking to me -- but I could handle breaking up for good with him if he felt like that. ...but I can see where he's coming from having being the loner type myself in the past -- it's hard to go up to someone when they are emotional and know how to deal with it, what to say... and be prepared that they may be angry with you. I remember a time when I used to walk by people I knew who were crying because I couldn't deal and didn't know what to say or do... It's not that I didn't care, but I felt by saying something wrong I'd be even more insensitive. In him I see what I used to be like.

 

I'm not going to plead, beg or grovel to see if I can salvage this... but I don't know if I can approach him to talk without crying. I'm crying right now typing this because I'm so afraid that I made a mistake about a really great guy that I'll have to think about for the rest of my life.

 

...and looking back I am sure now that he does care about me... he just expresses it in such strange ways that I've had trouble seeing and understanding...

 

Can't type anymore... gotta go to school now...

[Kisu]

He’s in class right now, and I have a break, so I’m just going to try and stabilise my emotions until I force myself to go and summon all my courage to say his name, look at him, and talk after class.

 

I talked to a mutual friend just now and he basically said to me what you told me to do; talk to him about what happened, tell him that I was wrong to be so harsh and quick to such an important, devastating decision. Our friend has known him years longer than I’ve known him, and our friend says that he probably does want to talk about what happened, and that when our friend gave him my note he was rather surprised.

 

Now that I’ve had time to stand back and look at all this, I can see where I need improvement. I think there are times when I have done or said things unconsciously that have probably hurt him in the same tiny ways that some of the things he does hurt me… and build up… and then we resent greatly in each other even though they are in reality, so minor. But I know for sure, just because of the way he is, that he is not as conscious of those tiny things as I am. …and may never be, but if this goes over well (and if it doesn’t… in future relationships) I’m not going to let the tiny things go unnoticed anymore. I’m going to really push for more openness, instead of pushing for that perfect relationship, which I’ve learned doesn’t exist (I’ve known that, but never really understood it I think). I keep trying to make everything just right, which is natural I suppose... but I need to slow down and rememeber that there are some emotional mountains to overcome first...

 

If it goes well, I’m also going to explain to him some other factors (that have to do with my personal life) outside the relationship that have contributed to this. Stuff that I overlooked because I was always so worried about him and his parents. We both have some scary things going on in our lives, and I never told him about my side, because I was afraid of him becoming even more upset (just as I have cried for him and what he is going through).

 

Most importantly I’m going to apologise. There are some selfish things in that note I hastily wrote that can’t be unsaid, but if I don’t at least apologise for that moment of immaturity I don’t think I can live with myself, whether we stay together or apart.

 

It’s so easy to write but not to say…