Ex and I had a date and got intimate, what next?

[Larrry]

My ex wife of 17 years divorced me two years ago. We have two children together and they are our only children.

I was faithful, worked hard, successful, but our lives became boring. Over a few years she began withdrawing from me. After her 39th birthday she joined the gym, started dieting, lost 40 pounds, and was back to a size 4. That's when the affair started. I had no idea it was going on. I came home one day and she told me she didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce. It was like getting shot in the back of the head. Of course it was all my fault. I didn't help out enough, even though I did all the yard work, kept the kitchen clean, and helped with the laundry too. I did everything I could to show her I could do more, but she just treated me more cruelly. Three months after she told me she wanted a divorce I found out about the affair. When I confronted her with it, she was unremorseful and cruel, and filed.

That was almost two years ago. Since then her affair with a married coworker failed...he didn't want to divorce his wife. She had another relationship with someone 12 years younger and I guess she got dropped. That wrapped up a few months ago.

During the last two years, I've changed quite a bit too. I now have a large circle of friends, rediscovered the things that interested me, and I've learned how to have fun again. I've dated and have had a few relationships too with some very nice attractive women. But I've never fallen out of love with my ex, no matter how much I should have, no matter how much I've tried.

About 9 months ago, I resolved that I was willing to try to be friends with my ex. I approached every encounter and phone call with a positive attitude. It wasn't exactly easy sometimes, but I did. I've tried to get her to talk about the past; what was in her heart and mind at the time she was having an affair, why didn't she try to talk to me about how she felt. But she won't go there. So I stopped asking half a year ago.

I asked her to come over about 3 months ago to have a drink and talk about the kids and we had a nice evening, it was very comfortable. We agreed to work on being better friends. No heavy talk, ever.

I asked her to come over for dinner and drinks about a month ago. Again we had a good time. No heavy talk. Lots of laughs, planned the xmas shopping for the kids.

And during these months, we talk almost daily. Not long, just brief conversations about work, kids, relatives, friends, etc.

This past weekend, the girl I've been dating was out of town for a wedding, and I asked her 2 weeks in advance if she would come have dinner with me at my place downtown, and spend the night (separate rooms), so the two of could drink without having to worry about driving. She agreed and she arranged for her mother to stay with the kids.

Well I cooked a gourmet meal, we had some drinks, we had a great time talking, and she said that she told her mom she would come home. Well we drank more than would be wise for driving, and we never made it out of the apartment. Well we were sitting on the couch and I started kissing her. We both got carried away and ravished each other. It was great. Some hours later, as we'd finished and were going to sleep, I told her that it was absolutely wonderful, that I didn't know what else to say, and that the next morning when we woke up, I would just be Mr. Nice Guy again and not talk about what had happened. She had told me a few weeks before that all guys mess with her mind, and I didn't want to get heavy with her. She seemed relieved with what I said and said OK.

Well that was just 3 or 4 days ago and since then, it's just like it was before the weekend. We are friendly, I don't call her anymore than previously, we have good brief conversations about kids and work. No weirdness.

But this is got me all concerned. I want her desperately. I want to get back together, but I feel that she doesn't know what she wants. I don't want to ruin whatever's going on here.

What I could use help her with (ladies) is what is going on in her mind? What should I do to not miss things up?

Thanks!

[cygny]

so far you are doing everything right. this is almost a textbook case of how to get your ex back.

 

keep focusing on other things in your life, keep dating other women. take it very slow with the ex.

 

don't pressure her or bring up your feelings although it will be hard for you to hold back.

 

let her chase you a bit. she is open to you but will close right back down if you start acting like the too-predictable, clingy guy she divorced.

 

it's a question of finding a balance in each other's 'emotional space'....so give her plenty of room, don't intrude...she's comfortable with lots of space right now...would be great for you to keep seeing other women so she doesn't think she 'has' you at the drop of her hat...make her work a little for you

 

 

but also please guard your heart too--if she cheated on you once, and didn't try to work things out with you first---she could do that again...

[salmagundi]

I know responding to this post puts me a bit out of my league ( i tend to stay away from advising married people who have been married for more than half my life when I cant keep a relationship going past 1 year most of the time...), but still, I was bothered by the fact that what I read here is 1) you guys have reestablished a friendship. 2) She has been seeing other men but was recently dumped by one much younger than her, probably thereby damaging her ego and driving home the fact that she is not getting any younger. 3) She ends up at your place, gets ripped and ends up in bed with you. 4) the next morning is relieved as hell to hear you,re not making too much of it. 5) goes on acting as before...seems happy to act as if nothing happened.

 

You have you're hopes up again, after doing all the hard work of putting your life back together after all this, you're even seeing somebody else which is great. But it seems you may have fallen into the 'ex-sex' trap. You guys had sex and it obviously means a lot to you...it has reawoken all your feelings for her...even after her dumping you cold and sleeping around on you. But her? Does she feel the same or is she just chalking your night together up to drunken impulsiveness.

 

I have no idea but I figure a head-check might be in order before you go getting all invested in hoping for reconciliation with her.

 

tell us how it works out and let me wrong, nothing would make me be happier...

 

salmagundi

[salmagundi]

jeez, i gotta check my posts before I submit...that last line should read '...let me BE wrong...'

[Larrry]

Thanks cygny. About cheating again....she has told me twice in the past couple of months that she doesn't know if she could trust herself. Although I say we haven't had any heavy discussions, a few times we'll (I'll) veer that way briefly before getting back on track. She says this with a great deal of sorrow; I can see it and feel it in her voice. My reply to that statement was, "If you can't trust yourself, you really can't expect me to trust you either, or for any guy too either."

The way I see it, if she was faithful to me for nearly 20 years, that was a pretty good track record. The previous situation when she was unfaithful, I don't think she realized the consequences and fall out of it all and got wrapped up in a fantasy world. I would like to think that if she was willing to try again, that she would be the wiser for it. But she has to figure that out on her own.

I guess the best thing for me to do is to forget about it. Or at least try.

[Larrry]

After a week of trying to figure out where my ex's head was at with spending the night with me, I couldn't deal with it any more.

I asked her to meet me for a drink after work. We spent an hour talking about the kids, work, etc. She's getting ready to turn 41 and she spent a lot of time talking about feeling old she feels and this that and the other about her looks, etc. But she looks better now than she did when she was 30. Seems obsessed with looking good, whatever.

Well at the end of our conversation, I asked her, "Well about last weekend, was that just a fluke?" She said it was and with that I told her I thought that's what it was, but I just needed to make sure. I told her that I didn't want that to get in the way of us still being friends. I kept my cool, but when I got home I fell apart. I rebounded back to my old self within a few days...but it still sucks.

That was about two weeks ago I guess. After that she sort of back offed a little bit and just talked a few minutes every other day about kids, etc., but today she called and just wanted to talk. We talked about twenty minutes, just small stuff.

I think what's going on here, is her dating life isn't going the way she wants, she's got alot going on with work, and she's just feeling lonely. Guess I'll do my best to move on.

[CaliGuy]

Larry, she's confused. I know you want her but has anything changed with you? Are you still the same person you were when she left you? What do you attribute her affair to? Was there anything she didn't like about you that you didn't change? Have you started going to the gym? Have you worked on your confidence and self-esteem?

 

It will be hard if you get back together to trust her. Are you prepared to deal with that? I know you have kids together and that makes things tough but during the time away from her I would hope you work on your needs, your "self." Focus on areas you can improve upon.

 

It may be entirely her fault for the affair and the breakup but use the opportunity to focus on yourself. You might find there are some areas you can improve upon that will not only make you a better person but more attractive to someone else.

 

Good luck. I can only sympathize with you as I've never been married. It has to be tough but you're strong and you'll get through this.

[Larrry]

Cali Guy,

Thanks for responding. I've read several of your post/replies in the past month and respect your point of view and advice.

To answer your questions...some of those answers are in my long first post, I have changed quite a bit in the last 2 years, made more friends in that period than in the last 20 years. Lost 30 lbs., age 47, and wear 32" waist jeans, 5'9" 180lbs., look great, especially for my age. Have worked out at the gym, too and want to get back to it.

The affair, after 20 some years together, she became bored with me and felt alone in he relationship, and I wasn't smart enough to see or understand that. As she approached 39, she dropped weight, back to a size 4, and a married coworker took notice, and it went from there. Then the divorce. And after that, he didn't leave his wife. So she went through the wild and crazy phase, and then had a relationship, 1/2 year?, with a 27 year old guy, and I think he dropped her. I guess that was about 3 months ago.

I think I've pretty much changed all there was about myself that she didn't like. A lot of it I didn't like about myself either.

And yes I have worked quite a bit on my self esteem. About trust, if she honestly committed herself to our relationship, I feel like I could definitely trust her again. Twenty some years was a pretty good run. The affair hurt me badly, but not nearly as much as her refusal to work on things, and going through with the divorce.

I find that I am attractive to other women; that's not a problem. It's just that I don't have my heart back yet to reciprocate.

Thanks for writing back.

[CaliGuy]

Seems like you have things in order Larry and are doing the right thing. Who has custody of the kids?

[Larrry]

She does. I have a 9 yr old son and 14 yr old daughter. I have become more involved with my children since the divorce and have a great relationship with my son.