basscatcher Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Quoted all from http://joy2meu.com/Toxiclove.htm: 1. Love - Development of self first priority. Toxic love - Obsession with relationship. 2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow. Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness) 3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships. Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests. 4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth. Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing. 5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.) Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply." 6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together. Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation. 7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality. Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image. 8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality. Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant. 9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood. Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other. 10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.) Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.) 11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship. Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification. 12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone. Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging. 13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment. Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair. Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is not working. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that will last forever - expecting it to last forever is what is dysfunctional. Expectations set us up to be a victim - and cause to abandon ourselves in search of our goal. If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson. As long as our definition of a successful relationship is one that lasts forever - we are set up to fail. As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply - using another person as our drug of choice. That is not True Love - nor is it Loving. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Really good stuff, Pada Link to post Share on other sites
it'smeonthecorner Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Hey, it's really strange to me to read at once all these pills of healthy toughts in such a concentrated form!! Without going too deeply through the different points and remaning basic, this text gently put the whole amount of thoughts, tears and smiles (that I always have *all together* in my mind) in the same bottle, which I can drink whenever I want. Actually I'm trying to take a lesson from my experiences but it's all confused and it constantly gets mixed with every single case of my life, situations, faces, people, places, words..... Oh, well! Good points, bad points, mix them as if they were salt and sugar, and you make them both unusful and disgusting!! ;-) Yeah, it's good to read them in a series of lines well organised and so simple. Thank you to make me share this with you trbMkr Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Very helpful. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
FWIW Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply - using another person as our drug of choice. That is not True Love - nor is it Loving. So if you'd really hate to lose someone, you don't really love them?!! How does THAT work?!! Or is this meant to cheer up dumped people.. if you're dumped and miss them it wasn't True Love in the first place? ? Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 Very interesting thanks for sharing Pada!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author basscatcher Posted January 19, 2006 Author Share Posted January 19, 2006 So if you'd really hate to lose someone, you don't really love them?!! How does THAT work?!! Or is this meant to cheer up dumped people.. if you're dumped and miss them it wasn't True Love in the first place? Addicted lovers attach them-selves to their lover ’s identity, drawing unearned pride from their lover ’s accomplishments.A Psychological Addiction Love addiction is a psychological addiction,possibly a result of unfulfilled childhood needs.Children whose needs remain unrecognized may adjust by learning to limit their expectations. This limitation process may take the form of harmful ideas such as,“My needs don ’t count,” “Getting close will hurt ” and “I ’m not worth loving.” Such ideas don ’t satisfy childhood needs,leaving them still to be met later in life.As adults,addictive lovers remain dependent upon others to care for them,protect them and solve their problems. Love addicts are characteristically familiar with desperate hopes and seemingly unending fears. Fearing rejection,pain,unfamiliar experiences,and having no faith in their ability to inspire love,they wait,wish and hope for love,perhaps their least familiar experience. Characteristics of Addictive Love For addicts,love: is all-consuming and obsessive. is inhibited. avoids risk or change. lacks true intimacy. is manipulative, strikes deals. is dependent and drasitic. demands the loved one ’s devotion. Effects of Love Addiction Addictive love is obsessed with finding the world in one lover.Their own growth and development having been thwarted earlier in life,addicted lovers attach themselves to their lover ’s identity. Often,this dependency results in their drawing unearned pride from their lover ’s accomplishments. Sometimes it leads to their demanding,for themselves,undeserved recognition for their lover ’s achievements. Fearful of change,addictive lovers will stifle development of their ownself,finding the ultimate security in believing they can become indistinguishable from their mate. Sometimes the fear of change is so great,all individual development of abilities,interests,and desires is suppressed. Stagnation is a common characteristic of addictive love relationships.The desperate need for security leads to emotional scheming. Addiciive lovers are inclined to think that doing things for their mate will secure their love.The resulting opportunities for disappointment and resentment are sufficient to make such scheming futile.But addictive lovers are obsessed with impossible needs and unrealistic expectations. Love demands honesty and self-integrity. And it ’s a dynamic relationship,itself cultivating growth and change in lovers.The dependent,frightened attachments of love addicts are destructive to love. Freedom From Love Addiction If you discover you’re in an addictive relationship,you may want to seek professional assistance. Specialized counseling is available for those dealing directly or indirectly with this form of addiction. Your company ’s employee assistance program may provide a referral,or your health plan may offer such counseling services. Addicted to Love LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED. ”For the person addicted to love,this becomes more than a popular lyric.It becomes literal. What is love addiction? How can the problem be identified,and how can those addicted be helped? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t77574/?highlight=addicted+to+love You can do a search on addiction to love or co-dependant love either on the web or even in LS. You maybe able to understand what you are feeling by research and reading other peoples words on this subject. You must be open in your heart and mind in order to understand your situation. I think this list was pretty concrete and self explainatory. If it didn't make much sense to you then I THINK you aren't ready to face truths and facts. You are still in shock and denial. When yoiu are ready to open up and face the truth you will be able to understand and heal.. I believe we all hurt when someone we care about and even love dumps us. There are different stages of grief and if you stop yourself from acquiring all the stages then you will not be able to fully heal and move forward in a healthy way. http://www.ehow.com/how_116958_mend-broken-heart.html The best book I ever read is called "How to mend a broken heart" by Dick Innes. It is not easy to find but can be purchased on the internet. Just do a search. Its a small book, quick read and direct to the point. http://www.actscom.com/store/books_1b.htm Acknowledge the Loss Accept Your Pain as Normal Realize That This, Too, Will Pass Don't Waste Your Pain Give Yourself Time to Heal Do Your Grieving Now Let Go of the Past Forgive to Be Free Guard Against a Rebound Face Loneliness Head-On Get Into a Support Group Be Committed to Personal Growth Realize That Failure Is Never Final Discipline Your Thinking Do something for Someone Else Do Something for Yourself Take Care of Your Health Be a Responsibility Thinker Ask for Help When Needed Call on God for Help Link to post Share on other sites
FWIW Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 I can follow most of your original post and it kinda makes sense, but you have to admit that bit I quoted could be confusing at face value, to most people, no? Link to post Share on other sites
Author basscatcher Posted January 19, 2006 Author Share Posted January 19, 2006 I can follow most of your original post and it kinda makes sense, but you have to admit that bit I quoted could be confusing at face value, to most people, no? My opinion is if someone gets confused on that part you quoted then they aren't willing, ready or able to face the truth. It is simple and self explainitory. When we are hurting or angry we don't necessarily think rationally Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 So if you'd really hate to lose someone, you don't really love them?!! How does THAT work?!! No. If you think you CANNOT live without someone to the point where you say that 'your life would be over' without him, then you're obsesses/toxic love. It's normal to not want to lose someone - but if you MUST have them, then you're too involved. Link to post Share on other sites
FWIW Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 It all seems a lot clearer today, I can't believe I got the wrong end of the stick - I think maybe I'm too sleep-deprived at the moment or something! thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Just Visiting Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 These are the exact concepts that I have been reflecting on over the past two months. Maybe the "love" that I had for my ex wasn't the true love as indicated on this list. When I looked over the toxic love characteristics, I have experienced all of those while in a relationship. It is obvious to me that I don't really know what love is. All I know is I have to revise my beliefs. It is quite humbling to be shown all the false ones I had in regards to love. Link to post Share on other sites
Brittanyjean06 Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 I was reading over the toxic part- and that relates to methe most... so its obsession...witch meens its not true love...can you be obssed forever? lol Link to post Share on other sites
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