He cheated long ago and wants to marry me now.

[Faerie]

Here's my story: I've been with my fiance for the last 14 years, since we were 13 years old. We are very much in love and he's an excellent person. He treats me like gold, and I treat him the same. You could say we have the perfect relationship. The thing is, he cheated on me with a girl from school back when we were 15. We got over it, of course, but it's come back to haunt me now that we're getting married. It was twelve years ago and ever since he has been an exemplary boyfriend... I've always chalked it up to youthful indiscretion, but here I am, reading posts about how you should not marry a cheater... what do you think?

[Jayelle]

IMO you should forgive him and forget about it. It was so long ago and he was just a boy. Would you want something you did when you were fifteen years old hanging over your head for the rest of your life? If he's been faithfull and honest since then, it sounds like he's matured.

 

It's natural to think about these things though, especially before you really commit to him.

[BeFree]

You are worried about something he did when he was 15? I want you to really think about that, really. We are not the same people at 15 that we are at 20. We are not the same people that we 20 that we are 30 and so on. I think if you have anything to worry about it's not what he did when he was 15, but who you will each be at 30. Will you be able to grow together, or because you only has been with eachother for so long, will you one feel as if you forgot to do something?

[carmaenforcer]

I'm marrying a cheater in Feb. My now fiancée cheated on me with her ex and got pregnant with possibly his child, she miscarried so the issue never got a chance of getting as ugly as it could have.

In addition to this, before this incident she had been juggling me and this same ex and possibly 4-6 of her what she called "guy friends". She claims that she didn't do anything sexual with her guy friends but just dated them.

I forgave the cheating with her ex thing because I love her and I knew she was going through a confusing time in her life were she was trying to figure out some things.

I was very cautious with her for a while after all this and watched her actions closely to try and make sure she didn't have a moral relapse. This would piss her off and she would tell me that I need to stop dueling on the past.

She argued, "if you forgave me then why must you keep judging me for my past mistakes?" I told her, "I can forgive you very easily because I love you but I never forget anything!"

You see, I'm of the opinion that you should learn from your mistakes and use the past as a guide to avoid making the same mistakes twice. To do this you can never allow yourself to forget anything. But to those who would rather forget, this is called "living in the past." I use the holocaust as an example, because depending on who you ask a Jewish person or someone who's family was a soldier in the SS, you will get different reactions to the same event.

A bit of a overly dramatic/extreme comparison I know, but it's not one that can be dismissed or argued with too easily.

 

As soon as she stopped acting shady and stopped trying to prove points I stopped "judging" her actions and behavior, funny how that works. Now we have been happy and drama free for a while. As an unexpected happy surprise, she has been opening up to me the closer we get to our wedding date and being more and more honest with me about everything.

Sometimes it's hard for us to be honest with ourselves and it takes someone else to point out things that we need to work on.

 

If you guys are one and others first and or only example of a relationship, it might be easy for you to take what you have for granted. Take this from someone that has been there and back with at least 4 people and all the possible drama that comes with that, it's not easy to find someone that makes you happy or that even care to. A good relationship is hard to come by and take a lot of work and constant attention to keep it, so don't be so quick to throw yours away.

If your relationship is a happy one and all you have to worry you is his past indiscretion(s), I say forgive even though you never forget. You will encounter and overcome so many other things in a life together that this will someday be trivial and something to be proud about getting past.

 

Good luck in your life and your lives together.

[Guest]

Here's my story: I've been with my fiance for the last 14 years, since we were 13 years old. We are very much in love and he's an excellent person. He treats me like gold, and I treat him the same. You could say we have the perfect relationship. The thing is, he cheated on me with a girl from school back when we were 15. We got over it, of course, but it's come back to haunt me now that we're getting married. It was twelve years ago and ever since he has been an exemplary boyfriend... I've always chalked it up to youthful indiscretion, but here I am, reading posts about how you should not marry a cheater... what do you think?

 

Crazy at it may seem, i am close to in your shoes. I dated the guy I am to marry this year and have known him since 9th grade. We dated since my senior year off and on. He is the love of my life. So my advice comes to you from someone who knows how it feels to have all the thoughts of "what if he does it again"? But I am going to tell you that you need to let go of the past, cause as you know it can be so draining worrying about whether he will do it again, wondering if the "once a cheater, always a cheater" is correct. Marry him, have a wonderful life with him. And dont do it for him, do it for you. YOu love him and you want to spend the rest of you life with him. so do it, dont spend the rest of you life dwelling on what happened, years ago. It is alot easier said than done. Some times it takes a terrible experience and alot of heartache to realize that what you have right there in front of you, is what you want for life. I am still in the process of learning to trust him, but when I take a step back and look at the whole picture, I think to myself...has he given you any reason in the past year or however long to think that he is cheating? NO. Do I deserve to be loved by him? yes. Does he love me? yes. Do I want to spend the rest of my life with him? YES! And I am going to. You only live once, and why live with all the worry of him cheating again (especially after 14 years) and why not live happily ever after and prove to yourself and to your husband that the love that you have true, what better way, than to forgive, I mean really forgive him and move forward to build the best life possible for the both of you. You are so in my shoes right now, and i need to take my own advice as well. Some times our heads and our hearts and our guts, all collide and we dont which to follow. Dont follow your head, it can lead you astray, the heart and the guts, will tell you what to do. Mine is telling me, my man is the one for me, now and forever. He loves me, and i am willing to bet, you are thinking the same about your right now.

[Chump64]

You probably don't want to hear from me.

 

When we were dating, my husband had a girlfriend from his hometown (300 miles away). I knew about her but we were so hot and heavy that I didn't feel threatened. They had only gone out for about a month, but they often had sex in his car. He was 22 at the time. Then, she came to visit him out of the blue and the sh*t hit the fan between he and I. I told him to get lost. He dumped her and won me back.

 

Fast forward about 20 years. I just found out that he has had a 10 year affair (he ended it one month ago). Those two screwed in cars a lot as well.

 

But, there is a big difference between the ages of 15 and 22. In your situation, it probably truly WAS youthful indescretion.

[catgirl1927]

You are worried about something he did when he was 15? I want you to really think about that, really. We are not the same people at 15 that we are at 20. We are not the same people that we 20 that we are 30 and so on. I think if you have anything to worry about it's not what he did when he was 15, but who you will each be at 30. Will you be able to grow together, or because you only has been with eachother for so long, will you one feel as if you forgot to do something?

 

I agree with this. I am amazed at the number of people marrying people they met when they were so young. I am a completely different person than when I was that age, and that's an incredible understatement.