Confused about a Fight

[Mary]

This is kind of long, so i'm just warning you.

 

Yesterday I got in a fight where my boyfriend of two years tried to punch me twice. He has never threatened to hit me before but he does have an extremely bad temper. When ever we get into a major fight he usually starts beating a pillow or punching himself, or he just runs away from it and won't come back for hours. One time he kicked a stop sign down because he was so angry. We have only had four or five major fights like that though. The thing that bothers me the most is that he never admits that he is wrong until three or four days later and even then I am always the one who has to apologize first. He told me he used to have an even worse temper but his last girlfriend calmed it down a lot. (Well, it's starting to come back really bad lately)

 

Last year he told me never hit her but came close to it a few times. I miss him already but I don't want to be with someone who is that abusive. And abusive over a fight that meant really nothing.

 

How it happened? Well, I woke up around noon yesterday because we were up really late the night before. I waited an hour to see if he was going to wake up but he was still sleeping. I realized I had things I had to do and started to get ready, I knew he would be mad if I left without him so I kept saying his name to wake him up. I must have said his name about thirty times and even yelled for him to wake up because he wasn't responding. Usually he wakes up right away. I saw him toss and turn and then go back to sleep.

 

Well,I know this immature but the other day I threw flip flops at the wall to wake him up and it was funny. So, I took off my flip flops and threw them. One hit him lightly on the butt and the other hit the wall and made a loud sound. It startled him and he rolled over and gave me a dirty look. It was apparent that he had been awake for a while and just ignoring me when I was calling his name.

 

I said that I had a lot of things to do and that he needed to get up. He gave me an attitude about it (which is ununusal for him considering the situation) and said that it was a bunch of "bulls***" that i threw the shoes at him.

 

I said something about how i was going to leave without him if he didn't get up and he kind of just gave me a mean look and sat up. I got dressed and then I grabbed some stuff I had to take with me and I said 'If you are coming with me than you better get ready because I don't have all day to wait for you' So, he started yelling at me about how rude I was and I couldn't comprehend that he usually sleeps during the day and works at night. I thought this was really screwed up because he usually sleeps fine when he stays over my house and never complains about sleep or lack thereof.

 

So, I yelled back at him about how I couldn't comprehend how he could ignore me for thirty minutes of calling his name to wake him up. Then I said 'Fine. I'm leaving' and I started to walk out the door. I knew he was probably going to get mad so I turned around and said something sarcastically about how nice it was that he was acting the way he was.

 

He jumped up and started to put on his shoes, begrudgingly, glaring off into space. I knew he was probably going to give me the silent treatment the whole time we were out so I said 'If you are tired and are going to be ignorant and in a bad mood all day, than just don't go.' So, he said

 

'I'm not being ignorant, you are the one who is ignorant for waking me up and not comprehending that I sleep during the day'

 

So, I said something about how i thought he was ignorant and then he started bitching at me and grabbed his bag which was on the floor and started throwing stuff in it.

 

I kicked the bag across the floor and that is when he stood up and tried to hit me in the face, he warned me 'i'll ##### punch you in the face bitch' I was shocked because he always said he would never hit me no matter what. So, I flipped out and said 'Get out of my house, just get out now' He went over and started unhooking his computer and then he started walking towards me and I was like 'Is that what kind of a person you are? You go around hitting people who you are going out with? What is wrong with you?' And he kept repeating how I just couldn't comprehend that he usually sleeps during the day. It was wierd.

 

He started walking towards me and we were screaming at each other, he said something about me being a bitch and I shoved his arm and he fell on the bed with the computer. So he jumped up and lunged at me, spitting in my face that he was going to '##### punch' me again. Then he ran out the door like with the computer and I grabbed his bag and threw it out in the driveway and said 'You forgot something' then I told him to get out of his car and calm down because he was shaking and hyperventilating, he was so mad. (over nothing)

 

He grabbed his bag and threw it in the car and then revved the engine. I stood at the end of the driveway and told him to get out of the car and calm down. He started to leave the driveway and then stopped. I walked over and told him to get out of the car and calm down because he couldn't drive like that. I said 'if it's over, it's over and that's not what this is about. Just get out of the car and calm down.' So he got out and stood there for a minute just breathing really heavily. Then he sat down under a tree and continued to glare out into space and breathe like that, his hands were shaking. I realized how foolish I was being for trying to talk to him when he didn't give a damn about me obviously. So, I walked back into the house and then he got in his car and drove away at about 100 miles an hour up the road.

 

This was yesterday, he lives two hours away. I know he got home okay because I saw that he was on-line last night and today. He hasn't made any attempt to contact me or anything.

 

I haven't either. I am confused because I am disgusted with him yet I miss him at the same time. I know it's not the end of the world but I am really depressed because we were together for 2 years and now all the sudden he starts acting like such a freak. (i'm 20,by the way).

 

Usually when we fight, like I said, i am always the one to apologize or try to resolve it first. This time I am not.

 

Every other time we have been in a fight or started arguing he clams up and will not talk, he'll just stare off into space and pretend like he doesn't hear me. When he tries to talk he starts crying because he says he can't argue and doesn't like confrontations. Then he will run away from it and I have to run after him, one time he tried to jump out of my car on a highway. I had to run after him down the side of the highway. Countless times that happened.

 

I am confused because this behaviour is very strange.

 

Two nights ago he was buying me all this stuff and telling me I was the best girlfriend in the world. When my friends are around his always really quiet or sits like 10 feet away not saying anything. So I always have to walk over and be like 'what's wrong?'

 

What I want to know is why he acts like this? Or if anyone has ever had any experience or read about anyone similar? I am confused about this, it came out of seemingly no where. While I miss him like hell, I am not prepared to deal with it again and again. I wonder why he is ignoring me also. It's a really bad situation.

 

Thanks to whomever read this far. I would greatly appreciate any advice or comments.

[kira]

sounds like this guy needs to be left alone.....he has a really bad temper and you need to stay away from him..maybe you miss him but i think i would weither miss him then have them there to hit me....my last ex, i dated him for two years and we broke up....well one night he saw me out and he was talking to his friends...well i waved at him to be nice and all of sudden he started calling me names and coming toward my car.....well i thought he was drunk, so i turned around to see what was wrong with him because i have never seen him act like this....well when i got a foot from him he came after me and called me every name there was to call and it took four guys to hold him off of me...well it hurt me but i was better off to leave him alone.....he called a week later and told me he was sorry that he saw me and he got mad because he didn't have me....well that is still no exscuse....so now i am trying to get over him...it's really hard....but the best thing to do is stay away from him or try to get him help.......

This is kind of long, so i'm just warning you. Yesterday I got in a fight where my boyfriend of two years tried to punch me twice. He has never threatened to hit me before but he does have an extremely bad temper. When ever we get into a major fight he usually starts beating a pillow or punching himself, or he just runs away from it and won't come back for hours. One time he kicked a stop sign down because he was so angry. We have only had four or five major fights like that though. The thing that bothers me the most is that he never admits that he is wrong until three or four days later and even then I am always the one who has to apologize first. He told me he used to have an even worse temper but his last girlfriend calmed it down a lot. (Well, it's starting to come back really bad lately) Last year he told me never hit her but came close to it a few times. I miss him already but I don't want to be with someone who is that abusive. And abusive over a fight that meant really nothing.

 

How it happened? Well, I woke up around noon yesterday because we were up really late the night before. I waited an hour to see if he was going to wake up but he was still sleeping. I realized I had things I had to do and started to get ready, I knew he would be mad if I left without him so I kept saying his name to wake him up. I must have said his name about thirty times and even yelled for him to wake up because he wasn't responding. Usually he wakes up right away. I saw him toss and turn and then go back to sleep. Well,I know this immature but the other day I threw flip flops at the wall to wake him up and it was funny. So, I took off my flip flops and threw them. One hit him lightly on the butt and the other hit the wall and made a loud sound. It startled him and he rolled over and gave me a dirty look. It was apparent that he had been awake for a while and just ignoring me when I was calling his name. I said that I had a lot of things to do and that he needed to get up. He gave me an attitude about it (which is ununusal for him considering the situation) and said that it was a bunch of "bulls***" that i threw the shoes at him. I said something about how i was going to leave without him if he didn't get up and he kind of just gave me a mean look and sat up. I got dressed and then I grabbed some stuff I had to take with me and I said 'If you are coming with me than you better get ready because I don't have all day to wait for you' So, he started yelling at me about how rude I was and I couldn't comprehend that he usually sleeps during the day and works at night. I thought this was really screwed up because he usually sleeps fine when he stays over my house and never complains about sleep or lack thereof. So, I yelled back at him about how I couldn't comprehend how he could ignore me for thirty minutes of calling his name to wake him up. Then I said 'Fine. I'm leaving' and I started to walk out the door. I knew he was probably going to get mad so I turned around and said something sarcastically about how nice it was that he was acting the way he was. He jumped up and started to put on his shoes, begrudgingly, glaring off into space. I knew he was probably going to give me the silent treatment the whole time we were out so I said 'If you are tired and are going to be ignorant and in a bad mood all day, than just don't go.' So, he said

 

'I'm not being ignorant, you are the one who is ignorant for waking me up and not comprehending that I sleep during the day' So, I said something about how i thought he was ignorant and then he started bitching at me and grabbed his bag which was on the floor and started throwing stuff in it. I kicked the bag across the floor and that is when he stood up and tried to hit me in the face, he warned me 'i'll ##### punch you in the face bitch' I was shocked because he always said he would never hit me no matter what. So, I flipped out and said 'Get out of my house, just get out now' He went over and started unhooking his computer and then he started walking towards me and I was like 'Is that what kind of a person you are? You go around hitting people who you are going out with? What is wrong with you?' And he kept repeating how I just couldn't comprehend that he usually sleeps during the day. It was wierd. He started walking towards me and we were screaming at each other, he said something about me being a bitch and I shoved his arm and he fell on the bed with the computer. So he jumped up and lunged at me, spitting in my face that he was going to '##### punch' me again. Then he ran out the door like with the computer and I grabbed his bag and threw it out in the driveway and said 'You forgot something' then I told him to get out of his car and calm down because he was shaking and hyperventilating, he was so mad. (over nothing)

 

He grabbed his bag and threw it in the car and then revved the engine. I stood at the end of the driveway and told him to get out of the car and calm down. He started to leave the driveway and then stopped. I walked over and told him to get out of the car and calm down because he couldn't drive like that. I said 'if it's over, it's over and that's not what this is about. Just get out of the car and calm down.' So he got out and stood there for a minute just breathing really heavily. Then he sat down under a tree and continued to glare out into space and breathe like that, his hands were shaking. I realized how foolish I was being for trying to talk to him when he didn't give a damn about me obviously. So, I walked back into the house and then he got in his car and drove away at about 100 miles an hour up the road.

 

This was yesterday, he lives two hours away. I know he got home okay because I saw that he was on-line last night and today. He hasn't made any attempt to contact me or anything. I haven't either. I am confused because I am disgusted with him yet I miss him at the same time. I know it's not the end of the world but I am really depressed because we were together for 2 years and now all the sudden he starts acting like such a freak. (i'm 20,by the way). Usually when we fight, like I said, i am always the one to apologize or try to resolve it first. This time I am not. Every other time we have been in a fight or started arguing he clams up and will not talk, he'll just stare off into space and pretend like he doesn't hear me. When he tries to talk he starts crying because he says he can't argue and doesn't like confrontations. Then he will run away from it and I have to run after him, one time he tried to jump out of my car on a highway. I had to run after him down the side of the highway. Countless times that happened. I am confused because this behaviour is very strange. Two nights ago he was buying me all this stuff and telling me I was the best girlfriend in the world. When my friends are around his always really quiet or sits like 10 feet away not saying anything. So I always have to walk over and be like 'what's wrong?' What I want to know is why he acts like this? Or if anyone has ever had any experience or read about anyone similar? I am confused about this, it came out of seemingly no where. While I miss him like hell, I am not prepared to deal with it again and again. I wonder why he is ignoring me also. It's a really bad situation. Thanks to whomever read this far. I would greatly appreciate any advice or comments.

[odyne]

In my mind there are two options here. If you get back with this guy, you need to get him help. If you can't get him help, or if he refuses to receive it, you need to let go. You are putting yourself in danger if you go after him how he is right now. It sounds like he has serious problems with anger, and anyone who tried to hit me would be out the door in 2 seconds flat. You don't need this person, and it may hurt for a while because you miss the side of him that you fell in love with, but this is not a situation where you can overlook something and pretend it's all okay. If you do get back together and get some counseling, that's great, just be ready to compromise and work hard on not baiting him. It won't be a piece of cake. Just remember, there are ways out of bad situations, even if you are already heavily involved. Please be careful, be mindful of your feelings and happiness. And most of all, stay safe. Bonne chance.

 

-Odyne

[Christie]

Your boy has an insecurity problem, which is most likely to have been caused by physical abuse as a child. It seems like you have a bad temper as well so that's not going to help him either. Why did you have to throw your shoes? Honestly, that's NOT a nice or decent thing to do to a person you love. I would be outraged if my boyfriend threw shoes just because I didn't get up. How would you feel? It seems like you should consider how others feel before you act and see why he could have been so upset. If he kept on saying that you ignored his morning sleep, he's feeling that you aren't being considerate of his needs, which is probably true, considering your actions towards him. (throwing shoes, shoving him when he had a computer) It seems like you are the one who caused the fight, and you don't know why he got upset. You must realize that what you did was not nice. I'm not justifying what your boyfriend did. I'm just trying to let you see how you provoked a person who should be loved and cared. If you really love him, show him the love he needs, not the hatred or impatience. Abuse is an aquired action and it stems from hatred and anger. When a person truly feels loved by others, s/he can learn that the world is not against them, and that's when they start getting healed of the deep wounds. I can't blame you because you're only 20, but showing love and appreciation is the only way you can get love and appreciation. Help him by showing how much you love him, not by showing how much you hate him.

 

Sorry if my response seemed a bit critical, but you must know, fights are never one way streets. So good luck and hope things work out.

[Mary]

I know you are trying to be helpful and maybe didn't get the story straight. Number one, I have thrown flip flops at him before (foam flip flops) when he was refusing to wake up in the afternoon. He always laughs about it and does joking things like that to me also when I oversleep.

 

Number two, HE THREATENED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE before I pushed him on to the bed. How would you react if someone threatened to punch YOU in the face for no reason at all??

 

And let me get this straight:

 

You would be outraged at someone throwing a pair of flip flops at you, to wake you up? Yet you wouldn't be outraged enough to fight back if someone called you a ##### bitch and tried to punch you in the face? I'm sorry but that is wrong for you to say. I have thought about this a lot, he admitted how wrong he was and how he doesn't know why he woke up acting like that and is seeking counseling. I feel that people like you make excuses for that kind of behaviour. I am not the one with temper problem, how you misconstrued that information is beyone my comprehension. Thanks but no thanks.

Your boy has an insecurity problem, which is most likely to have been caused by physical abuse as a child. It seems like you have a bad temper as well so that's not going to help him either. Why did you have to throw your shoes? Honestly, that's NOT a nice or decent thing to do to a person you love. I would be outraged if my boyfriend threw shoes just because I didn't get up. How would you feel? It seems like you should consider how others feel before you act and see why he could have been so upset. If he kept on saying that you ignored his morning sleep, he's feeling that you aren't being considerate of his needs, which is probably true, considering your actions towards him. (throwing shoes, shoving him when he had a computer) It seems like you are the one who caused the fight, and you don't know why he got upset. You must realize that what you did was not nice. I'm not justifying what your boyfriend did. I'm just trying to let you see how you provoked a person who should be loved and cared. If you really love him, show him the love he needs, not the hatred or impatience. Abuse is an aquired action and it stems from hatred and anger. When a person truly feels loved by others, s/he can learn that the world is not against them, and that's when they start getting healed of the deep wounds. I can't blame you because you're only 20, but showing love and appreciation is the only way you can get love and appreciation. Help him by showing how much you love him, not by showing how much you hate him. Sorry if my response seemed a bit critical, but you must know, fights are never one way streets. So good luck and hope things work out.

[Mary]

Thanks a lot for your good advice. A lot of my friends said basically the same thing. I am not taking him back unless he seeks counseling (which he is) to find out where all the anger is coming from.

In my mind there are two options here. If you get back with this guy, you need to get him help. If you can't get him help, or if he refuses to receive it, you need to let go. You are putting yourself in danger if you go after him how he is right now. It sounds like he has serious problems with anger, and anyone who tried to hit me would be out the door in 2 seconds flat. You don't need this person, and it may hurt for a while because you miss the side of him that you fell in love with, but this is not a situation where you can overlook something and pretend it's all okay. If you do get back together and get some counseling, that's great, just be ready to compromise and work hard on not baiting him. It won't be a piece of cake. Just remember, there are ways out of bad situations, even if you are already heavily involved. Please be careful, be mindful of your feelings and happiness. And most of all, stay safe. Bonne chance. -Odyne

[Christie]

There are certain type of couples who bring the worst out of each other. I think you two might not be the best match.

 

And your defensive behavior to my response already shows how short tempered you are. Try not to blame others all the time. As I said in my response, I wasn't trying to justify your BF's actions. Did you miss that part? I said I was trying to let you see how your actions were also unreasonable. If someone tries to hit you, the best thing would be avoiding it as much as possible, wouldn't it? Instead you pushed him. Think about that.

 

And what was so annoying about me advising you to show love and care to a person, who you are supposedly in love with, who might have experienced abuse? If you insist on telling the world how f***ed up your boyfriend is and that you didn't do anything wrong, I don't see why you should even be with him. Apparently, he's not going to get the love he needs from you.