We were never actually together, but I'd like a second chance.

[jonny87]

First, I would like to apologize for the length of this post. I would, however, greatly appreciate anyone that actually takes the time to read this and respond.

 

I think my situation is a little different than most everyone else's because this girl and I were never really together. We went out a couple of times, but she kind of ended things before they really began.

 

Here's just a (hopefully) quick background of the situation: This girl and I have been friends for over two years. We met at work and when I first saw her I thought she was just incredibly cute, but she had a boyfriend. Then, she started flirting with me a lot. We became good friends and flirted back and forth quite a bit. It was pretty obvious to everyone at work. I really enjoyed the attention that she gave me. It made me feel really good about myself because I had NEVER had a girl flirt with me like that. I started developing really strong feelings for her. I wouldn’t exactly say I was in love with her or anything, but I really really liked her. I could tell that she had feelings for me as well, but since she was with someone else, and because I wasn’t really sure what to do, I didn’t do anything.

 

Then last spring things started escalating. She started asking me out to the movies, we started talking on IM a lot, hanging out at her place, etc. I knew that something was going on, but like I said, I was too shy and nervous and unsure of what to do. Then back in August she kind of “invited” herself over to my apartment to hang out. It was very awkward. We just laid down on my living room floor and she would just kind of stare into my eyes. I knew I should have said or done something, but my inexperience and nervousness prevented that I guess. I really didn’t know what kind of move I was supposed to make. So, she eventually left. And I could tell that she was disappointed and unsure herself of what was going on. She asked if she could have hug, so we hugged and she left. And I felt really bad.

 

She sent me an e-mail the next morning and told me that if it wasn’t obvious by now that she had had a huge crush on me for the past two years. She went on to say all these incredibly nice and sweet things about me. She also mentioned that she had talked to her mom about me and her mom already thought I was a really great guy. She came over again that night and I really tried to tell her how I felt about her, but I was still too shy and nervous. She told me that she wanted to be with me and I said “I want to be with you too” and that was about all I could say. We talked some online over the next few days and I told her that I was sorry I couldn’t really express my feelings very well, but that she made me feel so good about myself. I said no girl has ever made me feel the way she did.

 

Anyway, long story short, things just didn't feel quite right. It was almost like she wasn't interested anymore. We hung out a few more times but we didn't really go out or anything. We had planned to go see this band about a week later, but in the meantime I just started feeling like her feelings had changed. I sent her an e-mail asking what was going on. She said, “let’s just start over as friends”. I was devastated. I mean, I was just completely destroyed.

 

I then did all the things I know I shouldn't have done: begging, pleading, completely ignoring her, being mean to her, trying to make her feel guilty, etc.

She met this other guy and they dated for awhile, but she soon broke up with him. I asked her a few times if there was ever a chance for things to work out between us and she said no.

 

I asked her one day a couple of months ago where exactly I screwed things up (I know, that was dumb). She just said that I “stopped being me”. We share a similar sense of humor, that’s what attracted her to me in the first place, and she said that I had stopped saying the stuff I used to say to make her laugh. I told her that I’m still the same guy, but I just get kind of depressed sometimes. She said that nobody wants to be burdened by someone else’s problems, especially when they are caused by that person. I said that she doesn’t cause my problems and that making people laugh is one of the few things that makes me not depressed. She said “then be you again!”. She said that the past few days had been better, but that I still wasn’t the same. I don’t know if she was saying “I’ll reconsider things if you start acting like you used to and stop being so unhappy”.

 

After that day I’ve made a real effort to be happy around her, even if I’m still really bummed out about everything. There have been some lapses where I’ve said some stupid stuff; she even broke off our friendship at one point, but a few days later it was like all was forgiven and we had the best day together at work that we had had in months. Since that day I’ve said nothing about the past and have tried to joke around with her and flirt with her as much as possible. And I’ve noticed a difference in her as well. She’s been doing things like giving me compliments, like one day I was wearing my favorite red t-shirt and she said “You look really good in red. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you wearing red”. And one day she was brushing some fuzz off my sweater and out of my hair. She's just been kind of, I don't know, "touchy" and flirty. I’m not saying that this stuff really means anything, but it’s a huge difference from what things had been like for a long time. I’m trying not to analyze things, but it’s kind of hard not to. Especially when she told me one day, in regards to this other girl at work that had a crush on me, that I don’t “pick up on signals very well. I was crushing on you for two years” with a sly grin on her face. I confronted her about all this flirting, and she got mad and said that I was just making stuff up in my head. I told her to stop confusing me then. But she kept on flirting. I don’t really think she’s playing a game. I might be wrong though.

 

Unfortunately, she started dating another guy about a month ago. But, even that situation is strange. She told me that neither one of them expect to be together a month from now. He, like me, is a musician, and so is she, and one day she was asking me for some advice on buying some recording equipment. I asked why she didn’t ask him and she said something like “He gives bad advice”. I offered to bring her a catalog the next day and she was like “And then we can shop together?” Again, I don’t want to analyze this, because I’ll probably just set myself up for disappointment.

 

I know that she still likes me, at least as a friend, but I don’t know if that’s as far as it will ever go. And I know that I’m still not completely myself like I used to be. I’m still sort of depressed and bitter and I’m sure that comes across to her sometimes. Unfortunately it's kind of hard now to be the same around her because we no longer work together, and we don't see each other any other time.

 

I sent her an e-mail last night asking how her vacation is going. I was as happy and goofy and upbeat as possible. I don't know if that was a mistake or not. But, after I sent it I felt a lot better than I had in a long time. A lot of the anger and bitterness seem to be gone. I know that the only way there will ever be a chance for us is if I let go of the past and just be happy. And be the same guy I used to be.

 

Again, I apologize for the length of this post. Thank you for reading.

[skeptik224]

I can't read her signals but they "sound" a little confusing. I say you go out shopping for the equipment together and just relax. Be yourself...that's what she liked in the first place. Don't bring up anything from the past....and just take it from there. If she brings up any feelings, suck it up and be honest. Don't be shy about how you feel. But - only do it if she brings it up. Go out...have fun...take it easy...everything else will eventually fall into place.

[salmagundi]

Let me second Skeptik on this. I dont want to encourage you too much, but It seems clear that...she doesnt clearly just want to be your friend. Well, maybe, but...hmmm...lemme try again. If she ONLY wanted to be your friend she would be clearer. Shes not being clear, so...maybe you have a chance. Is that any clearer...?

 

Some random thoughts:

 

when a girl mentions to you that another girl has a crush on you, she might be trying to set you up or help you out in that department. But it often means she is looking for your reaction. If you had been really excited to hear it than she could have taken that as a sign you were no longer interested (or as interested)in her.

 

The reason she gave for ending it with you were probably 100% true. She was scared that if she got too involved with you you would become to clingy and dependent and that, therefore, she would feel responsible for your happiness. This kills love dead and is probably the number one cause of death of budding (as opposed to long term) relationships in North America today. Especially among those who are inexperience in relationships. Learn from this. What was needed here ( and is needed now) is for you to be an independent human being who is not dependent on others to feel good. In otherwords, to be attractive (and retain that attraction) you have to be confident and secure in yourself. And not just seem it, either. It will not be enough for you to just 'act' happy around her. But its a start...fake it til you make it, I guess.

 

I believe that it is impossible to successfully go from 'dating' to a 'relatioship' with anyone you are afraid to let go of and walk away from. Tell me what you think and if I'm right.

 

There is nothing wrong with being the shy guy. But you will have to learn to step up a bit more. Looking backwards at missed opportunities is a realy sh*tty way to live.

 

I know what you mean when you say that how you feel (bitter, dejected, rejected) comes across to her. You're right. When me and my gf split up in november it was hard to conceal how broken up inside I was when I was around her. That took a solid month apart, where I just thought an awful lot, not about what she did, but what I did and how I acted in that relationship. Whatever...point is, she dumped you and you have a choice. Consider she did you a favour in giving you a chance to grow and better yourself by the experience. Or wallow in it. CHoose the former and then you can start to accept what is that you need to change about yourself in order to be more together around women. In my case, me and my ex are

'dating' again. And it feels much better because I feel normal again. I dont feel the impulsion to get her to talk about 'us' all the time. We can have spontaneous conversations, again. I no longer have the 'wounded animal' look in my eyes. So I am succeeding, I think, in being attractive to her again. Perhaps very attractive... (perhaps very deluded )

 

If you want a hope with her you will have to stop playing the wounded puppy dog and man-up a bit. Be yourself again, which means being the guy who doesnt NEED her in his life...but just wants her there. And wil actively try to get her there.

 

No feeling sorry for yourself either, that will kill your second chance dead and turn you into some sort of passive aggressive guilt tripper...

 

good luck, sorry about the rambling post hope it helps at least a bit.

 

salmagundi

[jonny87]

Hey, thank you both for your responses.

salmagundi: I've actually been keeping up with and reading about your own situation. That's the reason I posted about mine. I think you're kind of at the point where I'd like to be.

 

The funny thing about her mentioning the crush was that it came after I told her that I was thinking about asking this friend of ours out on a date. They're really good friends and I was kind of seeking out her advice. Me and this other friend went out but it didn't really lead anywhere. Oh well.

 

And skeptik: She already went shopping for her music stuff by herself. She told me the next day and was like "Jason (not his real name) wasn't all that impressed, but I knew you'd appreciate it." And I completely agree with what you said about everything falling into place. Whether or not this works out, I'll at least be myself again, and not be so depressed about this.

 

The only thing I'm worried about in this situation is that we don't work together anymore, and we don't hang out together or anything. I guess what I'm saying is how am I supposed to be my "old self" around her if I'm never around her? I guess if she contacts me that's one thing, but should I contact her? Personally, I don't see why not. I don't mean like call her and bug her everyday, but maybe the occasional phone call or e-mail or IM just to let her know that I'm still alive

 

The funny/sad thing to me now is that I see how mad I was at her for ending things, when all along it's her who should have, and I'm sure was, mad at me. I'm the one who changed. I'm the one that disappointed her in the first place. But, if she's not interested anymore, I really wish she would stop sending mixed signals.

 

Anyway, thanks a lot guys, and I hope to hear from some others *ahem*

[gfto]

She said, “let’s just start over as friends”.

 

Once a woman drops the dreaded f-word (friends) on you, you're out permanently. The rest is irrelevant at this point.

[jonny87]

Once a woman drops the dreaded f-word (friends) on you, you're out permanently. The rest is irrelevant at this point.

 

I don't know if that's always true. Or maybe I just don't want to think it's true.

[jonny87]

Okay, it's been almost a week since I sent her an e-mail asking how things were going. You'd think she'd at least respond with "I'm great. How are you?". I mean, I think my situation is different because we were never a "couple", just always friends. Our friendship has had it's ups and downs over the last several months (completely due to my stupid behavior) but we've been on really good terms for the past (almost) two months. So, I have no reason to think that she doesn't want to remain friends. What's the deal?

 

Should I just complely end all communication and contact? Should I not even try to actively remain friends?

[loony]

The funny/sad thing to me now is that I see how mad I was at her for ending things, when all along it's her who should have, and I'm sure was, mad at me. I'm the one who changed. I'm the one that disappointed her in the first place. But, if she's not interested anymore, I really wish she would stop sending mixed signals.

Don't be so stupid to believe this, hon. She is the problem here. I don't think she really knows and accepts you. She liked you, because you were fun, but people are not fun 24/7, sometimes they are down or they have insecurities, it's part of being human. In my opinion, she rejected you when you showed a more vulnerable side of you. You might have told her too much about you, it is true that people do not want to get the full load of their partner's problems in the beginning, but her reaction to you opening up to her was just not very kind or understanding. It would have been understandable if she had withdrawn a bit, but if she makes a 180° turn you can assume that she never was seriously interested in you and that she also is not a very mature person. Continuing to flirt with you if she indeed is not interested anymore is a sign that she is not very mature.

 

I think the best thing would be to cut off contact. Be prepared that then she will start pursuing you. She seems to be the kind of high maintenance girl who wants what she can't get. In my opinion she's not worth it. I'm sure you won't agree with me and come up with a thousand reasons why you still want her as your friend and why she is so great, but I really think she is just a stupid girl with a pretty face and it's your feelings that blind you to the truth. Do the test, cut off contact, do your own thing and see how she reacts. I predict, once she sees you have moved away from her she will try to get you back. When you are back, she will pull the friendship line again. Repeat this game ad nauseum.

[jonny87]

Yeah, I think you're absolutely right. She is really young and is apparently just "having fun" right now. I guess I'm not very fun. To her anyway.

 

But, it's hard when there are still feelings and emotions involved from my end. Even though I see that this is a bad situation, it doesn't make it any easier. Feelings aren't logical. But, I'm trying to think about this with my head instead of my heart.

[jonny87]

Well, I'm giving up on this one. More stuff has happened to convince me that she's way too immature. I'm not burning this bridge completely mind you. You never know what the future holds a few years down the road.

 

But....

 

I saw this really cute girl working at the bookstore cafe tonight. Cute with a capital "C". I didn't really get to talk to her much because there was such a line of people behind me. But, I'm going back tomorrow and if she's there I'm getting her number!

 

Let this be a lesson kids! Just when you think you can't possibly get over someone, you meet someone new that gives you those nervous "butterflies-in-the-stomach" feelings again. I'm trying not to put any expectations on anything, she might say no, she might not be interested, etc. But I'm at least hopeful and confident.