dragonfish Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 I have been haunted by a situation that I saw unfolding, and did nothing about. In one of my former lives I was a waitress. I watched another waitress that I worked with go after men - one man in particular. He was married. I didn't know him that well, but he'd come into the restaurant on a regular basis. She would spend every free moment she had chatting with him. It used to drive me crazy. I would hear her talking about how great he was and that he was the man for her. She was unbelievably manipulative. She absolutely set out to get him, and I heard later through the grapevine of former workers that she was calling him her boyfriend. . . so I guess her plan worked. He was a nice man, married, always seemed to like his wife. He'd talk about her to me. Once she came into the restaurant with him and he introduced me to her. He wasn't your everyday creep. I really hope that the waitress, Patty, didn't get him. What should I have done? Anything? Something? I thought I'd just trust in God to sort it out, but I just don't know anymore. I'm still upset about it, and this was like 2 or 3 years ago now. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 Was she interested in him because he was married..? Or despite the fact he was married..? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dragonfish Posted January 19, 2006 Author Share Posted January 19, 2006 I don't know that it changes my quandary whether it was because or in spite of - and to be totally honest, I don't know. I was not her confidant. However, it seemed that the men she flirted with the heaviest were the married ones. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 Hmm well I know there's an old adage... Married Men tip the most. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dragonfish Posted January 19, 2006 Author Share Posted January 19, 2006 So you seem to think that she was A-OK and did nothing wrong in pursuing this guy even if he WAS married? Is that what you are saying? It's certainly what I'm getting from your posts. . . Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 I suppose I'm wondering why you're worried about someone else's life, morals and behaviour 2-3 years after the event. Who are you to say what's right and wrong for them..? Are you really worried about the idea you 'should' have intervened..? Because I'd say you were quite right, back then, to keep well out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
feathers Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 I have been haunted by a situation that I saw unfolding, and did nothing about. In one of my former lives I was a waitress. I watched another waitress that I worked with go after men - one man in particular. He was married. I didn't know him that well, but he'd come into the restaurant on a regular basis. She would spend every free moment she had chatting with him. It used to drive me crazy. I would hear her talking about how great he was and that he was the man for her. She was unbelievably manipulative. She absolutely set out to get him, and I heard later through the grapevine of former workers that she was calling him her boyfriend. . . so I guess her plan worked. What should I have done? Anything? Something? I thought I'd just trust in God to sort it out, but I just don't know anymore. I'm still upset about it, and this was like 2 or 3 years ago now. It sounds to me like there wasn't anything you could have done. I can understand your upset because at work I've been faced with similar situations (not identical, but similar) a couple of times. People have to work out their own pain. It sounds like that other waitress was not a nice person - in the end, she'll get back what she has sown - whether it's karma, God or whatever. In the end we all pay for the evil we do. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 Because they have issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dragonfish Posted January 19, 2006 Author Share Posted January 19, 2006 yup - I've got issues. I don't like women who chase men who are married. Got issues. The woman bragged that she was going to get him didn't matter that he was married. Got issues. Pardon me, but I bet a LOT of women (and men) have the same issues. This one still bothers me. Maybe more right now, 'cause I was just in contact with old friends. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 What should I have done? Anything? Something? I thought I'd just trust in God to sort it out, but I just don't know anymore. I'm still upset about it, and this was like 2 or 3 years ago now. If you'd seen this woman stealing another woman's purse, you could have spoken up and done something. Watching someone relentlessly pursuing another person's partner is a whole different matter. Do you tell his wife? What does that achieve, other than to make her insecure? She would be in no better position to prevent her husband from having an affair with this woman than you were....and her insecurity would only provide her husband with justification for going off with another woman. "You drove me to it with your lack of trust..." Do you have words with the Other Woman? Have a look at some of the threads on this section, and observe what a fruitless exercise it is to try to reason with someone who has a married man in her sights. Disapprove, and you might just find you're only giving her another spotlight to bask under. Regardless of how pushy this woman was, it wasn't within her power to force the man to have an affair with her - if that's what happened. He had free choice in the matter... and however nice he may have appeared to you, that doesn't absolve him of responsibility for his actions. Yet more proof that it's never enough for a man to simply be "nice". What value is a nice man, if his judgement is so poor and his loyalty to his wife so shaky? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Regardless of how pushy this woman was, it wasn't within her power to force the man to have an affair with her - if that's what happened. He had free choice in the matter... and however nice he may have appeared to you? Exactly... he had a free choice. Please don't have too many sleepless nights about people who are living their own lives. Perhaps God will intervene. In the meantime, you'll just have to make do with sending him prayers about the lost and disgusting. Link to post Share on other sites
EMJ Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Probably not. That person lives by their own rules and really wouldn't care what you thought anyway. You can't influence anyone who has their mind made up. This guy was married. Apprarently he enjoyed the attention or why else would he keep coming back for more? So why does this disturb you so much? Slutty people always find takers somewhere or other. He was obviously receptive, so why do you think you could influence the sitiuation? Believe it or not, some very "nice" people have affiairs too. They are usually just very discreet about it. This should not haunt you. You can't control anything other than yourself. All you can do is remove yourself from the situation. You aren't going to meet a lot of women like her. They are pretty transparent, never trusted by other women, and usually get their life lessons the hard way. Don't give it another thought. Just call it an observation on the human condition, ugly though this one may be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Slutty people always find takers somewhere or other. .... You aren't going to meet a lot of women like her. They are pretty transparent, never trusted by other women, and usually get their life lessons the hard way. Wow... nice, judgemental post. ALMOST as judgemental and interfering as the OP. I am wondering ... did you buy into her take on the situation (of which she knows nothing... it wasn't her life), or is this a case of an 'axe to grind'? Link to post Share on other sites
wyldflower Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Give it to 'em Sami D. The funniest thing about judgemental folk is it shows their own transparency - unhappy in their own lives or sufferers of the holier-than-thou syndrome. Slutty behaviour? Nobody knows anything about the intricacies of what goes on between another man and woman. Nobody knows what is happening personally for them or why they are drawn to each other. And, to be honest, nobody should care if it doesn't directly relate to them. Since the "offending" male is now with the "slutty" female, chances of his marriage previously being fine and dandy are slim to none. Maybe he just didn't feel the need to discuss the ins and outs of his marital problems with the waitress he didn't want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
erika2610 Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 yup - I've got issues. I don't like women who chase men who are married. Got issues. The woman bragged that she was going to get him didn't matter that he was married. Got issues. Pardon me, but I bet a LOT of women (and men) have the same issues. This one still bothers me. Maybe more right now, 'cause I was just in contact with old friends. In spite of what you think, oh judgemental one, most women don't CHASE MM. It's usually the other way around. If he was that happy, and he didn't want an A, he could've just said 'no thanks, I'm married'.. it's none of your business. It doesn't directly affect you does it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dragonfish Posted January 20, 2006 Author Share Posted January 20, 2006 In spite of what you think, oh judgemental one, most women don't CHASE MM. It's usually the other way around. If he was that happy, and he didn't want an A, he could've just said 'no thanks, I'm married'.. it's none of your business. It doesn't directly affect you does it? WHOA - I wasn't talking about MOST women, I was talking about ONE woman. This particular woman I watched and heard set out to "get" this particular married man. I don't know if it was because he was married, or that she just didn't care that he was married. I felt at the time, and feel now, that he didn't realize what she was up to. I felt also, and still feel, that if he was aware of her manipulative nature that he would not feel friendly toward her. Therefore could have (if the rumor was true) avoided breaking up his marriage. No, perhaps it wasn't my business. That was my excuse at the time for saying and doing nothing. I don't feel OK about my choice. I can see, however, that I also made a poor choice of where to post this particular concern of mine. I didn't realize when I made this post that this was a support group for women and men who condone and take part in this activity. Link to post Share on other sites
Astarte Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 yup - I've got issues. I don't like women who chase men who are married. Got issues. The woman bragged that she was going to get him didn't matter that he was married. Got issues. Pardon me, but I bet a LOT of women (and men) have the same issues. This one still bothers me. Maybe more right now, 'cause I was just in contact with old friends. Blimey, you really got issues big time, otherwise you wouldn't have posted this same thing twice in two different threads... Why not occupying with your own buisness ? Like your frustration ? Counselling could help you. @wyldflower: you rock Link to post Share on other sites
Astarte Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 ... I felt at the time, and feel now, that he didn't realize what she was up to. But of course YOU knew, what she was up to.... No, perhaps it wasn't my business. That was my excuse at the time for saying and doing nothing. I don't feel OK about my choice. Your choice was the right one. You have not the slightest idea what was going on there, you see only what you want to see and hear what you want to hear - only what fits in your narrow minded picture of the nice hubbies being seduced by Liliths and other female devils. But I can feel your anger and pain, so I'd really advise you to do something for yourself instead, get easier, more tolerant, relax. I find it sad, reading posts like yours as you must be very unhappy. I can see, however, that I also made a poor choice of where to post this particular concern of mine. I didn't realize when I made this post that this was a support group for women and men who condone and take part in this activity. Flippin heck, now you get bitchy. This is a support group for nothing. And if, I'd say, a support group for thinking further than only to A. Or in different colours than black and white. Or a non-generalize support group maybe... Whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dragonfish Posted January 22, 2006 Author Share Posted January 22, 2006 But of course YOU knew, what she was up to.... . Actually everyone who worked at the restaurant knew what she was up to, as she spent quite a bit of time bragging about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Seen_It_All Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 I don't think you have 'issues' or you're being 'judgemental' simply because you found your co-worker's obvious chasing of a MM distasteful. I've been an OW and a MOW in the past, but I can STILL look at things from ALL sides - not just from the OW side. I, too, would wonder why someone has to relentlessy chase a MM - for SPORT. She TOLD you she was going after him and she DID. That doesn't make you judgemental simply because you're repeating here what she told you NUMEROUS times and what you and all your co-workers SAW over and over again. Should you have told his wife? That's a very individual choice that only you could have made. In your shoes, knowing what I know NOW, yes, I would have told the wife. This guy was not blameless - don't think for a SECOND I'm looking at him as the innocent victim of a manipulative woman. He had to be open to her advances in order for this to have happened. But her blatant targeting of him was in bad taste, pure and simple. The bottom line is that PEOPLE have stand back and think about how their ACTIONS affect other people. What a selfish view of the world we have when we only consider OURSELVES. Link to post Share on other sites
BUTAFLY Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 You act like these men are hopeless little guppies swimming in a world of man stealing scandlouls OW. MM have brains, they know what they are doing. No one is forcing them to stray! and the fact here is she doesn't even know if anything happened its purely speculation. The question is if she should have done anything about it. the answer is NO. what would you have done?we're talking abuot 2 grown adults. If this man is so nice and and goes on and on about his W then there is nothing to worry about dispite your co-works futile attemps. Link to post Share on other sites
pigeon Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 The strange thing about my story is the timing is close this happened about 3 years ago and the name of the waitress is the same, Patty. I went often for lunch to a nearby restaurant my wife rarely came with me becuase her work wasn't close, but everyone knew I was married. I went often. One waitress would spend a lot of her time hanging out at my table talking. I thought nothing of it as I enjoyed the idle chatter with all the waitresses and the cook as well. Some months later my wife and I started getting crank phone calls. My wife told me of a woman who would drive by our house, stop and stare at her. Occasionally we’d find strange things in our driveway. Then my wife started hearing rumors around town that I had a girl friend. I didn’t. I love my wife and always have. Finally I realized that it was Patty. I told her that I wanted no more communication with her. At that she said that’s OK, we’ll just be friends. For god’s sake we had never been more than friends if even friends!! It took over a year, but my wife and I finally got her out of our lives. Dragonfish, I don’t know if this was the experience you saw but if it was, the rumor of the boyfriend was just a crazy woman’s imagination. Link to post Share on other sites
AJS Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 A few years back my H and I needed a nanny to help us out some. One of my H's friends had a young gf whom needed a job so we hired her. She was great with my kids and a big help around the house. I really liked her. Well, after a while I started to notice she seem to like being around my H more than me or the kids. He noticed it too. One day I get a phone call from a friend of hers telling me that this girl was after my H. She told me that the girl said she was getting my H, home, and my kids, that I was going to be out in a matter of months because she was younger and prettier than me so he would go for her no doubt. Well, he was working on his car a few days later when she tried to execute her plans....he fired her on the spot and came inside and told me. I in turn went to her bf home and slapped the **** out of her, then told him what she was up to. She lost everything at that point. I hope the little scank learned her lesson, just because you are young and pretty doesn't mean you get what you want by using your body. Some women are just that stupid I guess. Just thought I would share as this story has gotten many laughs from our family and friends. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 Well, he was working on his car a few days later when she tried to execute her plans....he fired her on the spot and came inside and told me. I in turn went to her bf home and slapped the **** out of her, What - you literally assaulted her? Link to post Share on other sites
AJS Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 Yeah... I did. She deserved it. I did many, many things for her, took her traveling with me, treated her like part of family and that's how she was going to pay me back?! I only slapped her once, and maybe my anger got the best of me, I am only human. I don't regret it though. Link to post Share on other sites
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