silktricks Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Ya know - after all this, I'm going to get in touch with one of my old co-workers and try to find out what actually happened. If I find out, I'll let y'all know. Good, I'd like to know what happened. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Striving - I told you I'd get back to you. . . As I said, it's been almost two years since my H told me about the EA. At first, to be honest, I felt sorry for the OW, and wanted to make the whole issue as easy as possible for her, even purchasing a gift for her. If I had it to do over again, I'd probably react more closely to what AJS did. At least there'd be less confusion. She kept after and after and after my H. Even there was NC for over a year, e-mails and phone calls constant from her. My H has been unbelievably supportive of me. It's very obvious that more than anything he wants us to be good again. The EA never would have happened had I not allowed my anger to get the best of me, but like bullhunter, anger has always been a problem for both my husband and myself. I think much of my pain has been the difficulty of accepting my part of the problem. I've done so much "If only I had . . ." But even knowing that is fruitless has not fully stopped it. Truly, though I am getting better. It helps to know that other women don't feel that I'm reacting over nothing - which I must admit is how I've often felt about myself. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 At least I don't fantasize about suicide any more. . . (or at least not much) Link to post Share on other sites
StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Silk - Thanks for sharing. I have to say I felt sorry for the OW too ... so much so that I was about to send flowers to her work to try and make her have a good day ... until my best friend said I would be crazy to do something like that. At times I still feel sorry for her, but most times I don't. Specifically b/c I know she still wants my H. And, as someone pointed out to me in another thread ... what bothers me is knowing that she is still there lurking and that it is probably a big ego thing with me. I'll have to read some of AJS threads/posts to see how she reacted. My EA ... both of us were at fault. And honestly, it opened both of our eyes that we had not just taken each other for granted, but stopped doing all the things we loved doing. It doesn't really matter the reason why we stopped doing these things ... life I guess. So, we are now getting back into all these things. I guess a very strong need of my h's was a recreational partner. My H is great as well. I look at all the things he does daily to tell me, to show me, etc. that he loves me and he is happy and wants to be with me. Sometimes, though I look at him and think ... is this just an act? I know it isn't, but it doesn't stop me from thinking it. I too sometimes wonder if I'm overreacting. I mean, it wasn't like they slept together, or that he ever told her he loved her or vice-versa. It wasn't a long drawn out affair. But, that doesn't stop the pain, the confusion, the self-doubt, or unfortunately, the loss of blind trust. (I just learned that one BTW ... "blind trust" and it makes perfect sense. I do trust my H; but my "blind trust" is gone. I could go into it more, but already have hijacked this thread ... just can't think of a subject topic to start a new one. Talk to you later - StoS Link to post Share on other sites
StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Glad you don't think about suicide anymore ... you really shouldn't be thinking it at all although I understand your thoughts and pain. I too thought about it ... more so like a punishment to him. But, seriously, I know that is something I could never do. If it ever did end w/ my H I would have to be strong, go on and build a better life .... three kids and the rest of my family, brothers, sisters, etc. I could never leave them intentionally. The pain that is caused all around, not just for the BS, but the WS and the OW/OM. I've been on both sides and I just don't think it is worth all the pain and the repercussions. Guess that is why I can also feel for the OW. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 stos, about the meditation. it takes practise. also probably best to practise first when you are not in a panic. gradually youll be able to divert the panic before it even happens. believe me. i have not been in your exact situation, but have been in after shock of things that left me obsessing about the problems or recurring circumstances. it took a while, but gradually i was able to stop the spiral of thoughts that led to the panic. i was able to see its patterns in my head, whereas before it seemed to happen out of the blue. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 [quote name=StrivingtoSucceed I could never leave them intentionally. .[/quote] I probably couldn't ever go through with it, but for sure I no longer fear death. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 i suppose that the deeply suicidal person does not see clearly enough to think rational thoughts like this. in fact the deeply suicidal person often has a very distorted perception. in any case, it is nothing to feel bad about that you have had suicidal thoughts, certainly the thoughts are bad enough without the guilt for having them. i hope you have had some sort of help with these feelings silktricks, or found a very good way of centering yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 also probably best to practise first when you are not in a panic. That might be the ticket there Newbby ... LOL I'm sure trying to do something totally foriegn to me would be better learned first before I go into panic mode. i was able to see its patterns in my head, whereas before it seemed to happen out of the blue. I can see the patterns ... at least it doesn't seem to happen out of the blue ... but I can't seem to stop once I start. I probably couldn't ever go through with it, but for sure I no longer fear death. Silk - probably couldn't ever go through with it, or know you would never try? To me, two different things ... I'd feel better if you know you would never try ..... Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Silk - probably couldn't ever go through with it, or know you would never try? To me, two different things ... I'd feel better if you know you would never try ..... Sorry - at this point it's still probably couldn't ever go through with it. More than just the issue with H happened at one time. I'd be OK e-mailing you about the entire mess, but not OK with posting on the Internet. If someone I know would read it could identify me. Definitely something I'm not willing to do. But as I said - I am getting better. Have been counseling with H for 2 years. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 I can see the patterns ... at least it doesn't seem to happen out of the blue ... but I can't seem to stop once I start. look up some meditation techniques, with practise you will be able to stop those thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Silk - I would love to chat with you via email. I can't seem to PM you though ... do you have your options set so that you can't receive email/PMs? Newbby - I'll check out Barnes & Nobles this weekend and see what I can find on meditation. I know if I can stop these thoughts then it will just be that much better! I have to run home, Silk, but will catch up with you on the email/PM thing when I get there... Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 I don't know how to set my profile to receive e-mails. Let me know how and I'll make the changes. Link to post Share on other sites
StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 At the very top of each page you will see a link on how to "upgrade" your member type. You can become a supporting member for 2.95 a month and that will allow you to PM other supporting members, or established members. Link to post Share on other sites
erika2610 Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 Wow, Ericka I wasn't trying to insult anyone--"wretch" just means an unhappy person, and someone else called me a hooker. I'm really not a hooker, and I was just joking. Yeah, men have always found me attractive and I know physical beauty fades but I guess I sometimes get tired of how people tend to judge based on looks alone. Men looking at certain attributes, drooling, all of that...and I'm no better I want a man named Buff Studman... As far as the other issues on this thread, some of us have little tolerance for certain things. I deplore physical violence. Insult me please. Do not hurt me bodily... Some people maybe cannot tolerate vain shallow women with narcissistic tendencies. I understand that and I plead guilty. Ericka, you really beat yourself up a lot about loving that cook. Stop doing that! You fell in love with a charming man, it's over so stop worrying about it. You loved somebody and later regretted it. Big deal, haven't we all? Go love somebody else. I know wives can be much more understanding than some I've read about on this forum. A woman who is married to, and loves a man can surely understand why he is lovable...it isn't the end of the world if another woman loves him. Obviously if he feels the same, it's bad news for the marriage. It still isn't the end of the world though. I just really think it's sad that anyone would think that their happiness in life is completely dependent on their spouse loving them forever. Why give another person authority over our own happiness? K, first of all.. very un-annoying post.. I wish you would post more like that Secondly, I don't beat myself up over it. I've been over it for a while.. until I found things out a while ago, but somebody put that in perspective for me, so I'm better now As for regretting it, I do but I do. It was a learning experience for me, and made me a stronger person. So at least I got that out of it Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 erica, empty your pm!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
elmejor Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 ...the only criticism i would have is that you might also benefit from seeing the others pov aswell. Yep, I agree newbby--I do need to understand others' points of view better, and I'm working on that. I know that nothing is more compelling and interesting to me than L-O-V-E. I can't get enough, ooh that sounded bad! Thank you, newbby EM Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 I agree that things are not always as they appear to be. I'm sure that there are things my H has not told me about his EA; however, I am comfortable with has been told. More so b/c of the type of person he is. However, at the very beginning of all this, my H told OW that he wanted to be with her, but had to try to work it out with me b/c of our son. So, I assume that is the last thought and that is what is driving her ... a thought that there is hope for her if she just waits long enough. H doesn't feel that he needs to clarify things for her at this point because to him, it is completely over, we are completely happy and since he is making a point of not talking to her on any real personal level, then to correct her assumptions would be taking it back to the level that he doesn't want to address. Unfair of him, especially to the OW? Definitely, but even with me pointing that out to him, he thinks that eventually, she will get the hint and disappear. OW is still around. As you know, H isn't going to tell her point-blank that he isn't interested in her, etc.... he is stuck on the fact that he thinks she will eventually get the message. I haven't read your thread yet. But from what I'm reading here I think... the W is as misled as the OW in many cases. Both kept dangling. Neither is in a 'better' position. I see that here. As I say, I haven't read your thread, but from what I'm reading here... if your H hasn't Told Her Point Blank that he's not interested.. how the hell is she supposed to know.? Do you think that's likely? "told OW that he wanted to be with her, but had to try to work it out with me b/c of our son" Presumably the OW thought she could believe that with as much trust as you can now belive your H wanting to work on your M. Men like this are the problem. Spouting sh*te the entire time. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 She didn't "act unwisely" she acted with purpose. She deceived me regarding her original intentions. In turn, I deceived her regarding mine. I have not one iota of guilt regarding any pain she felt. I have not one iota of compassion toward her. She is not deserving of compassion and will get none from me. I'm sure that she will get plenty from others, such as you. OMG... there are human beings who are 'not deserving of compassion'! This says so much more about YOU than you may ever realise. Link to post Share on other sites
StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 My thread is long, but feel free to read it ... I'd like to know if you have the same thoughts after. However, with that said I do agree with you that she can believe my H as much as I can. The difference though is his actions. He is not having anything to do with her except when he has to for work only purposes. His actions for me show me that he does indeed what to be with me and no one else. So for me, it is basically working. His actions for her? I don't know what she is thinking about his actions. I have told my H that he is being totally unfair to OW by not telling her. He doesn't see that. He thinks that as long as he doesn't talk to her about anything personal, and doesn't call her for anything except work ... that eventually she will get the message. I don't think that at all. I think that she will hold on to what he told her last and b/c of that, hold on to that hope that we will not work out b/c his heart isn't in it. That prevents her from moving on. It prevents her from finding someone else. To me, "she will eventually get the message" is wrong. I mean, what is that? When is eventually? One month? Six months? One Year? Why make someone wait that long? He thinks it would be mean to tell her the truth. He thinks that to discuss it with her, when it is over for him, would make him more of an a**hole to her than he already was. How is she supposed to know? I have no idea. My H thinks through his actions. I think it would take him him verbally communicating it to her. I can guess ... if I were the OW then at this point I would probably think that he is a total a**hole and that I can't believe I thought he was different and then move on (note: OW has been alone for 8 yrs. after her h left her for OW ... she has dated lots of married men and an engaged man ... she says they all lied to her and she didn't find out they were married until after, then she would leave and not look back ... not saying that isn't true, but after eight years and lots of mm and an em I would think that you would stay as far away from a MM as possible and not get involved with them at all). My worry is that she won't ever move on b/c she has never gotten the closure she needs. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 i think it really makes not alot of difference. it does boil down to time in the end and actions. even if somebody says its over, there is usually a certain amount of hope in the dumpee. these relationships between mm/ow are sometimes more difficult to get over because of their unsure nature. if it never really was a conventional commitment, then it never really is a certain thing, thats why the ending can also seem fuzzy. this usually happens with drawn out affairs though, with lots of endings and restartings. my exmm actually came over to my house one night to tell me how much he loved his wife and was working on the marriage, only to panic a week later and take it all back. these are the kind of situations that create uncertainty over the ending. after a little time though, no matter what was or wasnt said, the message recieved through lack of action, is that it is definetly over. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted February 5, 2006 Share Posted February 5, 2006 i think it really makes not alot of difference. it does boil down to time in the end and actions. ........ after a little time though, no matter what was or wasnt said, the message recieved through lack of action, is that it is definetly over. I believe that you are correct here. My H definitely told the OW that it was over. That didn't stop her from harrassing us for another year. In the end we changed our phone number, he closed his e-mail account and opened a new one, and he sent another extremely pointed e-mail. If she didn't "get it" at least she can no longer drive us crazy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 Striving - I believe I have joined properly now, and can exchange e-mail, PM. Link to post Share on other sites
erika2610 Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 erica, empty your pm!!!!! Yes ma'am.. all done Link to post Share on other sites
StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 my exmm actually came over to my house one night to tell me how much he loved his wife and was working on the marriage, only to panic a week later and take it all back. these are the kind of situations that create uncertainty over the ending. Sorry you had to deal with this. I know that my H probably had his own back and forth for about two weeks, then for about four more weeks really believed that he and OW could be friends and he wasn't going to "defriend" her b/c they didn't do anything. Of course, I think that came about b/c he felt that I was telling him that he HAD to end his friendship with her (thereby placing the blame on me) ... when I told him he could do what he wants, but that I wasn't going to accept it and that he would be responsible for the consequences, whether they were good, or bad, is when he stopped trying to be friends with her. I can see how the back and forth would create a lot of uncertainty specifically for the OW. after a little time though, no matter what was or wasnt said, the message recieved through lack of action, is that it is definetly over. As sad as this is for OW/OM, thanks for this ... it is something that I needed to hear from someone else for me. Link to post Share on other sites
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