mopar crazy Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 Question for anyone reading this ... long story short and this pertains to an emotional affair ... OW pursues MM knowing he was MM, but thinks he is unhappy with M (b/c OW doesn't know anything about him and the fact that he is going through depression and had recently been diagnosed with a long-term disease b/c he never shared ANY personal information except ). She continues to pursue him, he thinks that he would be happier with her instead of in marriage, but then realizes that he wouldn't, so he doesn't leave and does all that he can to stay with W. However, there is still contact that must be maintained due to working conditions, in which case H is polite with OW. Sometimes OW tries to get personal and H changes subject or ends conversations. So, along the lines of this thread of why OW pursue MM is where my question comes along ... why do OW continue to pursue MM even when they didn't "win the prize" ... when is it that they actually stop trying? NOTE: this isn't to bash anyone ... I don't think the majority of OW are out to hurt anyone, they're in a relationship just like anyone else, but there are the few who just don't care who they hurt to get what they want, are very manipulative about it and I would really like to know when those type of people finally stop and move on? Hey Striving! Again, your situation sounds exactly like mine. I still think our H's dated the same OW, lol. I agree w/ everything you have posted here b/c it was what I seen in my own situation w/ H and the exOW. The exOW stopped trying when H told her that they could no longer have a friendship, everything needed to be professional only. ExOW claims she thought they were doing pretty good keeping it all professional. H disagrees, tells her he is working on his M, and he doesn't want to screw it up again. He tells exOW to stop making nooner sexual comments to him. And ExOW tells him she will just find someone else to flirt w/. H tells exOW she needs to stop flirting w/ him period. However she was still calling his cell, or the home phone and finally stopped when I was the one that told her to stop. She wishes us happiness and I hang up. Link to post Share on other sites
mopar crazy Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 How about a wife that finally decides to actually act like a wife only after the treat of another woman. What she had wasn't near as important to her until she was ready to loose it. She didn't even care until he met someone else. It almost sounds like the same thing. Suddenly she quit complaining and decided what she had wasn't so bad after all. Banana, interesting point. I have to admit, I wasn't the best of W either b4 the A but how can a woman be a good W when their H doesn't want to be a good H and a father? My H wanted to be a H, wanted to be a father, but he also wanted to act like he was single. He was always gone from home out drinking w/ his friends, or playing sports and then getting drunk afterwards, or during. I would have never had an A, but from what I have read here on LS it seems the W's that are treated like this are lonely and they are the ones that end up having the A. Link to post Share on other sites
Banana Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 women chase MM because they know there's little chance of real intimacy. you don't get the real deal with a MM. Okay, I'm listening. I've heard something like this before. Do you think that they know that or could it happen subconsciencely? Link to post Share on other sites
mopar crazy Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 You don't sound like a very happy person. I don't necessarily think you needs meds.. but I do think it's sad that you slapped a 'silly little HO and liked it'. I think people who takes pleasure from other people's pain, just so they can feel better, are pathetic. Erika, not to harsh or anything so if it comes off that way I apologize. I don't think AJS is unhappy person just b/c she slapped a "silly HO and liked it." That has nothing to do w/ her happiness. She was extremely angry that this woman was hitting on her H and trying to take him away from her and their family. After all she did for this woman she this is how she treats her? Seems this woman was unhappy. Seems that AJS was happy and the OW wanted her happiness so she went after her H. Some ppl who have low self-esteem and think low of themselves usually try to make themselves feel better by hurting other ppl. I'm not saying this is the reasoning by her trying after AJS H either. A lot of ppl here told AJS she was wrong for slapping this woman in the face for going after her H. Maybe it was, but honestly I don't blame her. I never slapped the exOW that had an A w/ my H (she pursued him for years) but I sure wanted to. And why is ok for this OW to go after AJS H and not cause her pain (which it did even though he never had an A w/ her), but it's ok for the OW to cause the W pain, and a worse pain, than the W slapping her? I was the OW and I wouldn't blame his finacee if she slapped me for sleeping w/ her BF. I would of deserved it! Link to post Share on other sites
Banana Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 Banana, interesting point. I have to admit, I wasn't the best of W either b4 the A but how can a woman be a good W when their H doesn't want to be a good H and a father? My H wanted to be a H, wanted to be a father, but he also wanted to act like he was single. He was always gone from home out drinking w/ his friends, or playing sports and then getting drunk afterwards, or during. I would have never had an A, but from what I have read here on LS it seems the W's that are treated like this are lonely and they are the ones that end up having the A. Well in my personal opion, I don't think that there was much communication before. Well I'm sure there was, but they either didn't listen or didn't care. So what about now, how are things now? Did you change? Did he change? Or did you both change a bit? I imagine something had to have changed otherwise why would you still be together? Link to post Share on other sites
Banana Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 Hey Striving! Again, your situation sounds exactly like mine. I still think our H's dated the same OW, lol. I agree w/ everything you have posted here b/c it was what I seen in my own situation w/ H and the exOW. The exOW stopped trying when H told her that they could no longer have a friendship, everything needed to be professional only. ExOW claims she thought they were doing pretty good keeping it all professional. H disagrees, tells her he is working on his M, and he doesn't want to screw it up again. He tells exOW to stop making nooner sexual comments to him. And ExOW tells him she will just find someone else to flirt w/. H tells exOW she needs to stop flirting w/ him period. However she was still calling his cell, or the home phone and finally stopped when I was the one that told her to stop. She wishes us happiness and I hang up. Okay, I might as well get this out of the way now, it would only be a matter of time before you figured it out anyway. I am the OW and when I was involved with my MM, we were friends, I watched his kids, his W watched my son. Before she knew about the affair, she was jealous because we got along so well. Keep in mind this was far more an emotional thing then a sex thing, but when it would get to bother her, he would tell me that she didn't want us together unless she was there and that we couldn't talk and I always would ask him how he felt about that and what he wanted, he always said that wasn't what he wanted. So we kept talking. In that situation (as screwed up as it was...err...is) What was important to me is what he wanted, not what she wanted, but when things came out, he made it appear to her that he was being pursued....not entirely the truth, although he later fessed up....still somethings are not as they appear. Link to post Share on other sites
StrivingtoSucceed Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 I agree that things are not always as they appear to be. I'm sure that there are things my H has not told me about his EA; however, I am comfortable with has been told. More so b/c of the type of person he is. However, at the very beginning of all this, my H told OW that he wanted to be with her, but had to try to work it out with me b/c of our son. So, I assume that is the last thought and that is what is driving her ... a thought that there is hope for her if she just waits long enough. H doesn't feel that he needs to clarify things for her at this point because to him, it is completely over, we are completely happy and since he is making a point of not talking to her on any real personal level, then to correct her assumptions would be taking it back to the level that he doesn't want to address. Unfair of him, especially to the OW? Definitely, but even with me pointing that out to him, he thinks that eventually, she will get the hint and disappear. Wrong assumption on his part? I don't know. It's been six months and she still calls out of the blue just to see how he is doing and how everything is going for him. (His response is fine, then he changes the subject to work, or says he has to go.) Although you asked the question of Mopar, here is my answer. We both have changed. Alot? I don't know about that. But, he is reading a book I got called His Needs/Her Needs ... not something that he would ever have read before, but he is now (somewhat slowly, but he is still reading it) to show me that he is trying to be open about the things we have to do as a couple to grow together, to communicate better and to love better. What was lacking was our communication. That was really the only thing lacking, love, friendship, laughter, sex, doing things together, being together, all that was there. But we weren't communicating in are actual emotional needs. However, my case can get more confusion .... severe depression and a long-term diagnosed disease for my H, who is only 34 .... I was aware of everything medical wrong with him, I attended all his appointments ... OW was never aware of what was wrong with him and his intention was that she never would ... his way of avoiding that he is sick, his way of enjoying conversation without the thought in the back of everyone's mind that he might not be there 10 years from now??? Don't know, so again, as other people have pointed out, all of these situations, while they seem alike, involve two totally independent individuals and personalities. I think the outcome will always be up in the air and dependent on how they as individuals work it out. Mopar - OW is still around. As you know, H isn't going to tell her point-blank that he isn't interested in her, etc.... he is stuck on the fact that he thinks she will eventually get the message. So .... still dealing with all that whenever it does occur. Mmmm, last time was week after Xmas which I think I covered in my thread. Link to post Share on other sites
mopar crazy Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 Well in my personal opion, I don't think that there was much communication before. Well I'm sure there was, but they either didn't listen or didn't care. So what about now, how are things now? Did you change? Did he change? Or did you both change a bit? I imagine something had to have changed otherwise why would you still be together? No, there wasn't much communication. When I tried telling H I would appreciate if he stayed home more, help around w/ household chores and the children he didn't want to talk about it. To him I was nagging, bitching, and complaining. At the end I was bithcing, nagging, and complaining b/c being nice and asking him to help me wasn't getting anywhere. Yes, things have changed. He quit drinking, stays home a lot more and does a lot more things w/ us. He helps w/ the kids homework, plays more w/ them, and doesn't play tons of sports. Things have gotten better. I think I have changed in the fact I wont let him treat me like a doormat anymore. If he doesn't like it, he knows what he can do. I was his doormat for 11 years and when he wanted to get back together I told him things were going to change, and this was one of them. I guess if he couldn't accept that I was no longer being his doormat he could of made the choice not to come back to me. Okay, I might as well get this out of the way now, it would only be a matter of time before you figured it out anyway. I am the OW and when I was involved with my MM, we were friends, I watched his kids, his W watched my son. Before she knew about the affair, she was jealous because we got along so well. Keep in mind this was far more an emotional thing then a sex thing, but when it would get to bother her, he would tell me that she didn't want us together unless she was there and that we couldn't talk and I always would ask him how he felt about that and what he wanted, he always said that wasn't what he wanted. So we kept talking. In that situation (as screwed up as it was...err...is) What was important to me is what he wanted, not what she wanted, but when things came out, he made it appear to her that he was being pursued....not entirely the truth, although he later fessed up....still somethings are not as they appear. I agree, things don't always appear as the seem. From what I got from H (after the A and even 3 years after) he told me she pursued him. When she called the last time I told her to stop calling him, she told me I shouldn't be mad at her b/c he was the one that "started it all." I told her that was bulls***, she was after him since day one." She did not comment on that. I knew the OW, she would of argued about that if she was the one that didn't start it. She was stubborn and wasn't going to let me believe she pursued him if she didn't. She was the first one that told H she was attracted to him, and kissed him. H wouldn't lie to me about that three years afterwards, he has nothing to gain, or loose by lying about that. Striving, I had no clue (haven't really seen any of your post, sorry) that the OW was still in the picture! OMGOSH! How can you deal w/ that s***?!? Your H obiviously is not making it clear not to her. I know H told the exOW to stop calling also but she continued. The last time she called him I told her to stop calling and she did. I feel for ya. Can you PM me? I would like to talk to ya more outside the board. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
erika2610 Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 I think women who are so desperate for a man that they try to take a married one is pathetic! Sorry... but you can "try" to insult me all day long and can't. I feel NOTHING for women whom try so hard to take a man they can't have. A woman who really believed she could invade my family life was out to hurt me for her own pleasure, but you see nothing wrong with that.... So I take it you think it's ok to try and sleep with your friends H? Maybe you are a little bitter because a MM used you? What does that make you? A joke! A joke? Not at all lady. Yes, I slept with a MM, who chased ME, by the way. I before that was very adamant I was never going to fall for a MM. But I did. Yes, it should have never happened, but it did. I don't regret it though.. I made a mistake, learned a lesson, and now I'm a stronger person for it. NOw I can give girls advice from my own personal experience. No, I'm not bitter at all. Why would I be? I'm the one who walked away from it. And no, I'm not saying what the girl did was ok, but I don't agree with hitting people. We're grown up people.. you don't just go hitting somebody. Link to post Share on other sites
AJS Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 A joke? Not at all lady. Yes, I slept with a MM, who chased ME, by the way. I before that was very adamant I was never going to fall for a MM. But I did. Yes, it should have never happened, but it did. I don't regret it though.. I made a mistake, learned a lesson, and now I'm a stronger person for it. NOw I can give girls advice from my own personal experience. No, I'm not bitter at all. Why would I be? I'm the one who walked away from it. And no, I'm not saying what the girl did was ok, but I don't agree with hitting people. We're grown up people.. you don't just go hitting somebody. You just don't go around sleeping with married men either....it's called self control, and you have a lot of nerve trying to call me pathetic because I didn't practice it......sounds like you didn't either, and in a MUCH worse way than me, trust me on that one! .....you are so grown up my a$$ Link to post Share on other sites
erika2610 Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 You just don't go around sleeping with married men either....it's called self control, and you have a lot of nerve trying to call me pathetic because I didn't practice it......sounds like you didn't either, and in a MUCH worse way than me, trust me on that one! .....you are so grown up my a$$ I am grown up. Grown up enough to know not to hit people, and grown up enough to now know it's not ok to sleep with somebody's H. I admitted what I did was wrong. I was very naive, and at a low point in my life. But as I've said, I learned my lesson & am a stronger person for it. Nothing I can do about it now. Also, what I said was, 'I find it pathetic when people take pleasure from someone else's pain'. And I do. Didn't you go to her house to slap her in front of her boyfriend? She was probably a young girl.. some young girls think it's 'cool' to try to steal somebody elses H. One of my girlfriends even said that to me one day, how it sounded 'cool' to be a mistress. Link to post Share on other sites
erika2610 Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 You just don't go around sleeping with married men either....it's called self control, and you have a lot of nerve trying to call me pathetic because I didn't practice it......sounds like you didn't either, and in a MUCH worse way than me, trust me on that one! .....you are so grown up my a$$ And how can you call me names like a joke? Or say what I did was more pathetic than you? I find it funny, that you come on here and throw around names like that, and also call that girl a little ho, when you've been the OW yourself.. little hypocritical to be judging dont ya think? Link to post Share on other sites
mopar crazy Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 And how can you call me names like a joke? Or say what I did was more pathetic than you? I find it funny, that you come on here and throw around names like that, and also call that girl a little ho, when you've been the OW yourself.. little hypocritical to be judging dont ya think? erika, can you show me where AJS said she was an OW? I must of missed that part. I even tried looking for it but didn't find it. Personally, I don't find OW to be whores, unless they are charging for sex. A whore gets paid to have sex, it's her way of living, OW who are involved w/ MM or not whores, unless they are making him pay for the sex. I was the OW but not to a MM but a man in a CR. When we were seeing eachother he was dating her, plus OW. He ended up M his main GF b/c she got pregnant. Their M didn't even last a year. And when I was the OW I was young. I started seeing him when I was about 15 (but nothing sexual) we just went out. It turned sexual when I was 17. We had a relationship for about 3 years. I stopped seeing him when I was 18 as I moved away to college. So I was also young when I was the OW. And I wasn't the only OW to this man so at my age I didn't think it mattered. When I was 19 or 20 a gorgeous MM pursued me. Nothing happend but a kiss but that was b4 I found out he was MM. When I found out he was a MM I told him to get the hell out of my apartment. The look on his face was priceless! He was so bummed. What a jerk! Link to post Share on other sites
StrivingtoSucceed Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 Mopar - Can't seem to PM you. Looked around and did a search, but all I have found out is that the administrator randomly allows PM between well established contributors ... doesn't seem to go off of any amount of posts, threads, or even time. If you know of another way let me know, I'd love to talk to you one on one. Link to post Share on other sites
AJS Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 I was never an OW, I was a WS and I was separated at the time. hypocritical? Maybe a little, my point was she was a FRIEND of mine, I trusted her. My OM wasn't married and didn't know my H at all. I also told my H before I did anything so I don't even want to call it an A. My fling (for lack of a better word) happened 3 yrs ago, the story I told about the nanny is 10 yrs old. That "little girl" was 20 .... old enough to know better. I was attacked on here for saying I slapped her, she deserved it, and I liked it. If I had caught my H having an A with an unknown person, it would have been him I slapped. I hit HER because she was a sneak who was in my face everyday being my friend, loving on my children. To me that's just a really low thing to do to a friend. Had she been a woman that was a complete stranger I would have been ok with it. JMO and that's all. I'm sorry if I have offended anybody by calling her a HO, that was harsh for others I'm sure. The topic was "why do some women seek out married men" I replied with a story and it turned into a jump on AJS fest because I slapped the girl! Link to post Share on other sites
StrivingtoSucceed Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 You know, I have to say that if my OW were in my sights within a week after I found out ... someone would have had to pull me off of her. That is exactly how I felt at that time. Now, I probably wouldn't even bat an eye if I saw her ... or, maybe I would. Don't want to test my theory... I might not be in as much control of my emotions as I would like to think and someone would end up hurt. I'm not saying it is right to attack someone, or hit someone, I'm just saying that emotions, at times, are so over-whelming that they seem to control you. The pain, anger and sense of betrayal has a way of over-taking your good judgement w/o any thought, or care to what is right, or wrong. And b4 there is any bashing here I'm not talking about abuse or anything like that ... just the point of view from a BS towards H and OW when dealing with everything that has been dealt. Link to post Share on other sites
AJS Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 Thank you StrivingtoSucceed. I know it might have been wrong to slap her, but I really cared about her and even when her friend called me and told me she was after my H, I didn't believe it. I thought to myself, Why would this sweet girl whom my kids loved so much do something like that? Then she did! She hurt my children because they no longer got to see her. They were to young to understand why nanny S was gone. I have never hired another nanny because of that. erika... you know, I never wanted my post to turn into a fight fest. I apologise for saying mean things to you or seeming judgmental. You posted not once, but twice and said that I was sad or pathetic, which in turn was unfair to me. Why even reply to my posts if you think I'm so pathetic? Why get so nasty at me when you aren't so perfect either? I'd rather you not reply to me at all. I didn't join this site for this. Link to post Share on other sites
StrivingtoSucceed Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 AJS - You're welcome. I can completely understand where you are coming from. You trusted someone and they betrayed that trust. Not only that, but their actions hurt your children. Maybe when you are ready to hire a nanny, you will look at someone more towards middle-age. That is meant as a joke, btw ... my H and I have always joked that he wants someone as a nanny that would be young and attractive ... I always say that if anything ever happens to me and he has to hire a nanny, his mom has one already picked out and she is over 50, gray hair and all. LOL. You had to have had a lot of trust in her to have hired her, not only for your kids, but b/c of the old cliche' of young attractive nannies. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but glad for you it didn't go anywhere and that your trust in your H was substantiated through his response to her efforts! Link to post Share on other sites
AJS Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 StoS, my H is a really good man. When I had my "fling" he was way to understanding if you ask me. He is just that damn good! I'm very lucky to have him in my life. I have been married to him for 17 yrs and through thick and thin we have made it. We are blessed. As far as another nanny goes, no need in it now, my kids are to old. Although I didn't pick an older one at the time because I didn't think she could keep up with all the traveling, etc that we did. We are a busy family that travels and such all the time. The extra help was really just a way to give H and I a break so we could spend more time together. oh well, it was a really long time ago anyway. Thanks for all the replies people, but I think this conversation has played out. Take Care! Link to post Share on other sites
Author dragonfish Posted January 26, 2006 Author Share Posted January 26, 2006 The strange thing about my story is the timing is close this happened about 3 years ago and the name of the waitress is the same, Patty. I went often for lunch to a nearby restaurant my wife rarely came with me becuase her work wasn't close, but everyone knew I was married. I went often. One waitress would spend a lot of her time hanging out at my table talking. I thought nothing of it as I enjoyed the idle chatter with all the waitresses and the cook as well. Some months later my wife and I started getting crank phone calls. My wife told me of a woman who would drive by our house, stop and stare at her. Occasionally we’d find strange things in our driveway. Then my wife started hearing rumors around town that I had a girl friend. I didn’t. I love my wife and always have. Finally I realized that it was Patty. I told her that I wanted no more communication with her. At that she said that’s OK, we’ll just be friends. For god’s sake we had never been more than friends if even friends!! It took over a year, but my wife and I finally got her out of our lives. Dragonfish, I don’t know if this was the experience you saw but if it was, the rumor of the boyfriend was just a crazy woman’s imagination. Thanks, Pigeon. I'm going to think it was you. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 Question for anyone reading this ... long story short and this pertains to an emotional affair ... OW pursues MM knowing he was MM, but thinks he is unhappy with M (b/c OW doesn't know anything about him and the fact that he is going through depression and had recently been diagnosed with a long-term disease b/c he never shared ANY personal information except ). She continues to pursue him, . . . why do OW continue to pursue MM even when they didn't "win the prize" ... when is it that they actually stop trying? . . . but there are the few who just don't care who they hurt to get what they want, are very manipulative about it and I would really like to know when those type of people finally stop and move on? When it is made INCREDIBLY CLEAR to them that there is absolutely no hope of a relationship and the man is NOT going to leave his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
StrivingtoSucceed Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 Silktricks When it is made INCREDIBLY CLEAR to them that there is absolutely no hope of a relationship and the man is NOT going to leave his wife. Thank you. And, I understand that for it to be incredibly clear it would need to be verbally communicated to them. However, in this case I know it isn't going to happen, which I think is unfair to OW, but H isn't going to budge b/c he strongly feels to talk about it now, with OW, would be hurting her feelings/being an a**hole to her, etc. Whatever. But anyways, when would it be INCREDIBLY CLEAR to OW just by actions alone? Actions such as never calling her EXCEPT for work-related issues and either immediately changing the subject, or ending the conversation when she tries to get personal. What I mean by try is that she will ask him how he is doing ... his response is good, or busy and changes the subject. If she asks him what he did over the weekend, he will respond with (my name) and he did x and x, then change the subject or end the conversation. there have been two instances since November where she called just to say hi, or see how he was doing. The first time she said to him that he never calls her, his response was he has been too busy. The second time she said the same thing and he said he wasn't going to call her ... she pushed and he said he wasn't going to call b/c she could get fired for having personal calls, she said she wouldn't, he said he wasn't going to call. So, H avoids telling her straight out b/c he thinks it would be too mean. He doesn't see my point that it won't end unless he actually tells her. He thinks she will eventually get the message. So if it isn't verbally made extremelly clear to OW, when does the OW think ... gee, I'm the only one trying here, he doesn't ever talk to me except about work stuff, he never asks me what I did over the weekend, how my Xmas was, etc. .... I'm through with him. Link to post Share on other sites
My_Other_I Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 So, H avoids telling her straight out b/c he thinks it would be too mean. He doesn't see my point that it won't end unless he actually tells her. He thinks she will eventually get the message. So if it isn't verbally made extremelly clear to OW, when does the OW think ... gee, I'm the only one trying here, he doesn't ever talk to me except about work stuff, he never asks me what I did over the weekend, how my Xmas was, etc. .... I'm through with him. I've read some of your other posts and one question keeps popping up in my mind about your H not wanting to dealing with the OW. Could it be that he is not over her yet? Why would he care if it was mean if that's what he wanted - her to let you two be? I think he should make it clear to her out of respect to all parties involved. Just my few cents MOI Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 Thank you. And, I understand that for it to be incredibly clear it would need to be verbally communicated to them. However, in this case I know it isn't going to happen, which I think is unfair to OW, but H isn't going to budge b/c he strongly feels to talk about it now, with OW, would be hurting her feelings/being an a**hole to her, etc. It's too bad that he doesn't realize that not talking to her about it is hurting your feelings. It is unfair to OW, but it's also unfair to you (and him). He just doesn't see that. He's probably a nice guy. Nice guys don't want to hurt people. (He sounds a lot like my H, actually). He probably feels like he's already been an a**hole to her, and doesn't want to 1. rub it in 2. become inciteful (he does after all have to work with her) But anyways, when would it be INCREDIBLY CLEAR to OW just by actions alone? Actions such as never calling her EXCEPT for work-related issues and either immediately changing the subject, or ending the conversation when she tries to get personal. VERY good question. For my OW, it took a year WITH NO CONTACT. She continued e-mailing and calling and calling and calling and driving by and calling - until finally my husband and I composed an e-mail that satisfied both of us. (I was all for inciteful!!) The first time she said to him that he never calls her, his response was he has been too busy. The second time she said the same thing and he said he wasn't going to call her . . . too busy wasn't a good response, it gave her hope, but "I'm not going to call" is good. So if it isn't verbally made extremelly clear to OW, when does the OW think ... gee, I'm the only one trying here, he doesn't ever talk to me except about work stuff, he never asks me what I did over the weekend, how my Xmas was, etc. .... I'm through with him. Unfortunately, probably not until she finds another man to "love". Link to post Share on other sites
My_Other_I Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 Ditto sticks The OW (based on my own experience) is negotiating with herself. She is making up excuses and waits around in hope. She keeps thinking the H and W are going through the D stuff and offers the MM space and time. She is waiting. You need to let her know. Very clearly. Burn the bridges. She might not believe it for a while, but keep reminding her, she will get it. She is not thinking straight and needs to be told. Offer her the chance of moving on, and offer yourself time off from thinking about the OW. I was the OW in a similiar situation. He didn't want to let go, and neither did I. His W was probably thinking the same you are. THE WORDS HAVE TO BE SAID! EDIT: I think we just hijacked this thread. My apologies to the OP. Link to post Share on other sites
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