Why do some women seem to seek out married men?

[newbby]

why be so unforgiving?

 

Good point. I don't know really. I guess because she was so close to me and my family. She was almost like a little sister to me. I took such good care of her. I couldn't believe she willing to do that to me and my children. It's not so easy to forgive.

sure, but how does not forgining serve you?

OH StoS, please feel free to the hijacking, thanks!

you can stop replying any time you like. i am not going to apologise for being interested in the conversation. if it makes you so uncomfortable or you find it so boring then why bother replying?

[newbby]

Newby -

 

I completely understand what you are saying. I know it is me that isn't letting it go and I wonder why. I don't like the feelings I feel, so it would be best if I could just let it go. Getting suggestions like yours and everyone else's that has been kind enough give them has been wonderful and it makes me really think things through. I guess where I have the trouble is that my H has always said what was on his mind and never minces words ... for him to do so in this one situation with OW I have trouble with. What you and other people have said is very likely true ... he already feels like he was an a**hole to her and to say, or do anything else will just rub salt in a wound ... and, it is more my ego than anything else. What I am still trying to grasp is really, how to let it all go b/c while I think OW is more than likely still holding out hope, it really only matters to me and H and between the two of us, I'm the only one holding on to it. Thanks for always being so clear to me in what really matters. It is exactly what I need when I can't stop thinking.

 

it has probably become a kind of obsession for you. sometimes we kind of transfer all our worries into one obsessive problem. i think you are correct that you need a way to let go of it, i also think you have done well in working through the rest of your pain surrounding this issue. i am not sure that what your h does or does not say to the ow will make any difference to you at this point, because it has become an obsession. perhaps meditation would help you?

[StrivingtoSucceed]

Quote:

OH StoS, please feel free to the hijacking, thanks!

you can stop replying any time you like. i am not going to apologise for being interested in the conversation. if it makes you so uncomfortable or you find it so boring then why bother replying?

 

Newby - I'm sorry ... was this meant for me? If it was

[StrivingtoSucceed]

Ignore the previous post ... was confused and then when my confusion was cleared ... somehow I hit 'post reply.'

 

Anyway - Newby, I am open for anything and everything that will help me learn how to let this obsession go. I agree with you, that is what it is. And, what my H says to OW or not really doesn't matter b/c I know it isn't going anywhere, what it does is bother my ego that someone else is there waiting in the wings for me to screw up. What it does is fuel the insecurity that came about b/c of all this ... I mean, what if there is a week that I am a real bi***. Logically, I know nothing will happen, but that insecurity makes me doubt my H. I want to lose it and sometimes feel that I'm doing a pretty good job of it, but then I start to thinking and then, obsess about it. Sometimes I think that if there was NC it would be easier to deal with, but that isn't what I am facing so, to deal with it what do you mean by meditation? I've never done anything like that.

[newbby]

Ignore the previous post ... was confused and then when my confusion was cleared ... somehow I hit 'post reply.'

thats okay, i thought it was a joke!

 

 

Anyway - Newby, I am open for anything and everything that will help me learn how to let this obsession go. I agree with you, that is what it is. And, what my H says to OW or not really doesn't matter b/c I know it isn't going anywhere, what it does is bother my ego that someone else is there waiting in the wings for me to screw up. What it does is fuel the insecurity that came about b/c of all this ... I mean, what if there is a week that I am a real bi***. Logically, I know nothing will happen, but that insecurity makes me doubt my H. I want to lose it and sometimes feel that I'm doing a pretty good job of it, but then I start to thinking and then, obsess about it. Sometimes I think that if there was NC it would be easier to deal with, but that isn't what I am facing so, to deal with it what do you mean by meditation? I've never done anything like that.

 

meditation is a way of taking yourself outside of your mind, or creating a gap in the thought stream. there are many different types and ways of doing this. paul mckenna also has a good website which tells you excercises on self hypnosis. i find it easier to meditate just on my breathing. concentrating on my breathing, and being able to detach myself from my thoughts. it has been very beneficial to me.

[bullhunter]

However, my H doesn’t have a problem with talking to her for work. Meaning, he doesn’t feel anything - no guilt, uncomfortableness, etc. To him, he made a mistake in thinking that he wanted something else, involving her and hurting me and himself (b/c he felt like a failure) in the process. To him it is completely over. To me, I don’t understand how he can have a conversation with her and not feel uncomfortable, but he said it doesn’t bother him at all b/c there is nothing there. To me, I would think that there has to be some type of feeling there, maybe that is a man/woman thing, I don’t know. Can you explain that to me?

 

For him, it's over. Totally over. He doesn't have feelings for her, about her, around her. To talk to her about anything to do with the A would only create something where nothing exists, so why talk about it. If he says there's nothing there, take his word for it. There's nothing there.

[AJS]

sure, but how does not forgining serve you?

 

you can stop replying any time you like. i am not going to apologise for being interested in the conversation. if it makes you so uncomfortable or you find it so boring then why bother replying?

 

 

 

Why are you so interested anyway? Do you think picking my brain will make you happy? It's not that I find any of this boring, I joined this site to talk with other women. If you haven't noticed, I got attacked alot on this subject, I just don't want or need that to continue. Not forgiving her hasn't really served me at all. I don't see how forgiving her would either.

[bullhunter]

striving,

i know the question was directed to someone else, but i see very little similarity in your situations, other than that bullhunter is a man and so is your husband. your h was confused. i have said this to you before and i will again. your h feels guilty to the ow for leading her on.

Possibly, but not necessarily. He may just be done. By the sound of it, he did not lead her on, he changed his mind. Not the same thing at all.

 

He realized he didn't want her, he wanted his wife.

 

it does not mean he does not also feel guilty to you, but, since he LOVES you and wants to be only with you, then he does not see you have anything to be upset over. he thinks that being rude or blunt with her is a further insult to her than not choosing her in the end. this is understandable. maybe he fails to see that telling her straight is actually better for all concerned, but you have no worries there. your only concern is your ego, and it is unimportant. does make big of it, be happy with your shared love.

He probably feels that being rude or blunt to her can create problems at work that would impact him (and as a result his family) adversely.

[newbby]

Why are you so interested anyway?

because i find people interesting

Do you think picking my brain will make you happy?

no

Not forgiving her hasn't really served me at all. I don't see how forgiving her would either.

fair enough. it is up to you.

personally i strive to be forgiving, i dont always manage it though...

[newbby]

Possibly, but not necessarily. He may just be done. By the sound of it, he did not lead her on, he changed his mind. Not the same thing at all.

 

He realized he didn't want her, he wanted his wife.

 

sure. i dont believe he led her on either. everybody is entitled to a change of mind, or heart. maybe though, he feels that he did.

 

He probably feels that being rude or blunt to her can create problems at work that would impact him (and as a result his family) adversely.

 

this too is possible, however i have spoken to stos before, and i am quite sure that her h told her, he would feel bad to say anything to her because he does not want to upset her and she did nothing wrong. if the real reason is because he doesnt want to upset matters at work, why not just say so?

[bullhunter]

sure. i dont believe he led her on either. everybody is entitled to a change of mind, or heart. maybe though, he feels that he did.

Maybe he feels exactly what he says he feels. Nothing.

 

this too is possible, however i have spoken to stos before, and i am quite sure that her h told her, he would feel bad to say anything to her because he does not want to upset her and she did nothing wrong. if the real reason is because he doesnt want to upset matters at work, why not just say so?

He said he doesn't feel anything. The problem here is that you don't want to believe that he doesn't feel anything. You want to put all kinds of other deeper meanings to it. I gave you a plausible one, but you don't like that either. So let's just go back to what he actually said. He doesn't want to say anything because he doesn't feel anything.

 

There are no hidden meanings. Take his word for it. He loves his wife, he screwed up. He doesn't want to "talk" to the OW about it. He just wants to get on with his life with as little additional drama as possible.

 

Let it go.

[newbby]

 

 

He said he doesn't feel anything. The problem here is that you don't want to believe that he doesn't feel anything.

i dont want to believe he feels nothing, in what way? i am already quite sure he has no feelings for the ow and i said as much.

You want to put all kinds of other deeper meanings to it. I gave you a plausible one, but you don't like that either.

and i gave you a human one. mine is just speculation as is yours, but, it is quite reasonable to believe that just because somebody has no feelings for a person, they still dont like to feel like a b*stard. that is what i was suggesting, i dont know what kind of deeper meanings you are reading into my words.

There are no hidden meanings.

nothing "hidden", he said that he doesnt want to be harsh to her or tell her where to go, because she hasnt done anything wrong and he does not want to be unkind.

He loves his wife, he screwed up.

i believe so, and said as much!

He doesn't want to "talk" to the OW about it. He just wants to get on with his life with as little additional drama as possible.

sure thing.

 

Let it go.

who? me?

 

i just wonder who is guilty of projection here.

this situation struck a cord with you, obviously. you seem to be p*ssed at yourself for nearly screwing up your marriage. let it go.

[bullhunter]

it is quite reasonable to believe that just because somebody has no feelings for a person, they still dont like to feel like a b*stard. that is what i was suggesting, i dont know what kind of deeper meanings you are reading into my words.

 

Striving said that her H had says that he has no feelings for the woman. No feelings means that. No feelings. You seem to have difficulty accepting this as an accurate statement. Instead you say that he doesn't want to say straight out "don't call me again" because he doesn't want to feel like a b*stard. Where is that statement anywhere implied in Striving's story? It isn't. He WORKS with the woman. Do you understand how difficult it would be to the dynamics at work to do something like that? The dynamics are probably already pretty screwed up due to the earlier relationship. It doesn't need any more waves.

 

nothing "hidden", he said that he doesnt want to be harsh to her or tell her where to go, because she hasnt done anything wrong and he does not want to be unkind.i believe so, and said as much!

QUOTE]

 

Striving never said anything remotely like what you are saying here. He never said she (the OW) hadn't done anything wrong. And the question really wasn't about "telling her where to go." He said he had no problem talking to her about work because he had no feelings for her.

 

None

nada

zip

zilch

zero

 

It seems very difficult for you to accept that possibility.

 

i just wonder who is guilty of projection here.

this situation struck a cord with you, obviously. you seem to be p*ssed at yourself for nearly screwing up your marriage. QUOTE]

 

I am absolutely p**sed at myself for nearly screwing up my marriage, and will never forgive myself for the pain I caused my wife. In that, I believe I am also showing more compassion to Striving by explaining that her H can ABSOLUTELY have no feelings for the woman, and can deal with her in a work environment from that basis, instead of saying that he feels the OW did nothing wrong and he doesn't want to treat her badly. That is a woman's point of view (that I saw in a few postings, not just yours.) I don't believe (based on Striving's story) that it is the truth.

 

I can also relate to the MAN in Striving's story, as I doubt you can.

[bullhunter]

By the way, the "let it go" in my previous post was addressed to Striving. If you can, let it go. He loves you. He feels bad - unbearably bad, probably - about what he did to you. He doesn't want to hurt you, he just wants it OVER and talking to the OW about it would work against that.

[newbby]

sorry bullhunter,

i was referring to a previous thread by stos in which she made that statement about what her h said. at least i am pretty sure thats what she said. if not then i apologise.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

You guys are up way to early or late depending on how you look at it for me ... 2:40 a.m.! I Thank you both for your input.

 

Bullhunter - I am trying to let it go and if I didn’t know better I would think you were my H ... your words are exactly like his, but he literally hates computers. He has always said what he means, thinks, etc., even if it isn’t what the person wants to hear, he tells you like it is. Which is why I think I have a hard time understanding why he can't just tell her ... but the issue of having to still work together is there and I understand that too. You seem to have the same type of personality. To have you say basically the same thing, but in a context that isn’t defensive like my H (b/c like you said, he wants it to be over for me and to talk about it just drags it on), really helps me realize that what he is saying is true, there is nothing there. For a woman, or for me for that matter, it is hard to understand/accept that there are no feelings there what-so-ever b/c if the situation was reversed I believe that I would at least still feel something. Your reaction to your own situation is how my h has said that he feels ... he realizes that he made a mistake, and he knows that he hurt me and himself, he just wants to move on and have it be completely over, never brought up again b/c when it is he gets mad and upset ... mad at himself, and upset with me for making him feel, yet again, like I am rubbing his nose in it. Each time it occurs he feels as if he has to apologize when he has already admitted his mistake and apologized. Each time I feel that if he would only tell her verbally then we could move on. I see that for him to talk about it with her isn't allowing him to move on especially when he doesn't see any reason why he should talk about it with her b/c there is nothing there for him. For your explanation, I thank you.

 

Newbie - I do think that in one of my posts I said that he said she did nothing wrong and that he didn’t want to be more of an a** to her than he already was ... my posts were long and there were so many details in there I can get lost in them myself. He does not see that she pursued him at all, he just knows that he is the one that allowed the line to be crossed. I think that is where his comment comes from that she did nothing wrong ... b/c he has taken all the blame himself. The majority of the time now (in the past few months) he responds that there is nothing there so my worry, my over-thinking, my self-doubt is all for nothing b/c for him there is nothing there and he just wishes that I would let it go and move on. I really do think it is me that is hanging on to something that isn’t even there (easier said than done though). However, last night I really thought about what both of you have said and this morning I came in to work and deleted my entire diary of the past six months. Thinking about it and working through it is one thing, continually going back and re-reading everything that happened (which is what I would do when I couldn’t stop thinking about it) is only keeping the past in the present. It actually felt really good to delete it all!

 

You both are right, my H loves me and is continually showing it. What I need to concentrate on his us ... not her, or that, as I call it. Of course, that doesn’t mean my head is totally screwed on straight and I'm sure I will still have doubts running through my head that I will have to post and get it worked though ... but, that is what we all are here for ... different perspectives and suggestions to help us get through each stage of this process. Thank you both again!

[silktricks]

Thanks for all the commentary bullhunter and striving. I've been having a really hard time lately. My H sounds exactly like bullhunter, and my situation sounds really similar to striving. Sometimes I'll be going along just find and all of a suddent it's like I hit a wall of sheer pain. I found out about my H's EA about 1.5 years ago (it's been over for about 2 years). But I'm just not getting over it like I should be. At least not sometimes.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

I've read some of your posts Silk and thought that it seems you have experienced a lot of what I am experiencing now. I have to say my biggest fear is that two years down the road I will still be feeling how I feel. I don't want that! Hearing Bull with his thoughts, from a man's point of view, who seems remarkably like our Hs, does help though doesn't it? Kind of makes it all better .... for awhile. I started having my own doubts creep in on my way home tonight. Tried to do the breathing thing, but it didn't work.

[silktricks]

It's rough. I never thought my pain would go on so long. I've appreciated reading your posts, and I actually checked with my husband to make sure he wasn't bullhunter, cuz his experience sounded EXACTLY like my husband. The anger, the whole bit. I've got to admit though, that I think my husband finds comfort in the fact that he acted from anger, and that he never considered leaving me for the OW. I also gain comfort from that --- I'll write more later - gotta run.

[dragonfish]

I started this thread because I was so upset about not making a few waves a few years ago, and telling myself it was none of my business. I got flamed by some of the OW on this forum, and once again moved away, saying to myself that it was none of my business. Basically believing that the women who flamed me had that right, and that I didn't have the right to voice my feelings.

 

After reading all of these posts, however, I've changed my mind (again). I should have spoke up back in the restaurant. Bullhunter made me see that his life and his wife's life and ultimately the OW's life all would have been profoundly different if someone had told him in an easy way what was going on. None of them would have experienced the same level of pain.

 

Sami_D, you implied that there is a difference between if someone sets out to get a man because he's married or sets out to get a man in spite of the fact that he's married. To me that's a difference in degree, but such a small difference that the point is moot. IMHO if a man is married he should be offlimits to all women. (same with married women and men). I will freely grant that there are some MM who pretend to be unmarried until the OW is in love with them. The OW in that case is a victim. Staying a victim, though isn't required.

 

Wildflower, you implied that I was jealous of the OW. I'd like to tell you that this isn't the case. I was then and am now happily married. I haven't ever cheated on my husband, and I don't believe he has cheated on me. I grant the possibility that I'm wrong, but I don't believe that I am. Besides - I don't want to be an OW - ever.

 

You women who accused me of being judgemental. . . yes, I was, and I am judgemental of people - women or men - who manipulate other people to their own ends. I don't think they are nice people. The waitress that I saw was one of those people. I don't think she was a nice person. I don't automatically think a person who has an affair is a bad person. It depends on the person, it depends on the situation. Reading the pain expressed on these boards by the wives, the husbands, the other-women and other-men, however, convinces me that people who have affairs should re-think their situations.

[AJS]

I have to agree with you dragonfish, we were all way to judgmental on this subject, especially me, and for that I apologize. We all make mistakes and we are only human. Newbby ask me if I could forgive, I said no...I think I might be wrong. I can forgive, I just need to figure out how. Take Care.

[elmejor]

I think everbody needs to stop. I dunno what your problem is Elmejor, but your posts are always very defensive and nasty. I don't think I've seen one post from you where you didn't personally attack somebody. I don't think she attacked the girl so much out of insecurity, but she just felt betrayed. Nobody can really say anything until they're in somebody else's situation. I think people need to knock off the name calling. It's very unneccessary. Wretch.. hooker? I mean, can people not prove a point without name calling? And Elmejor.. why you feel the need to go on about how gorgeous you are is beyond me, it's pointless here. And if I were you, I wouldn't be telling anybody else they need therapy.

 

Wow, Ericka I wasn't trying to insult anyone--"wretch" just means an unhappy person, and someone else called me a hooker. I'm really not a hooker, and I was just joking. Yeah, men have always found me attractive and I know physical beauty fades but I guess I sometimes get tired of how people tend to judge based on looks alone. Men looking at certain attributes, drooling, all of that...and I'm no better I want a man named Buff Studman...

As far as the other issues on this thread, some of us have little tolerance for certain things. I deplore physical violence. Insult me please. Do not hurt me bodily... Some people maybe cannot tolerate vain shallow women with narcissistic tendencies. I understand that and I plead guilty. Ericka, you really beat yourself up a lot about loving that cook. Stop doing that! You fell in love with a charming man, it's over so stop worrying about it. You loved somebody and later regretted it. Big deal, haven't we all? Go love somebody else. I know wives can be much more understanding than some I've read about on this forum. A woman who is married to, and loves a man can surely understand why he is lovable...it isn't the end of the world if another woman loves him. Obviously if he feels the same, it's bad news for the marriage. It still isn't the end of the world though. I just really think it's sad that anyone would think that their happiness in life is completely dependent on their spouse loving them forever. Why give another person authority over our own happiness?

[newbby]

i suppose dragonfish that the way you see it, this poor man was played, and you did nothing to warn him about it, so you feel guilty. at some point dragonfish, this man would have realised that this woman wanted more than friendship from him, and at that point he would have made a decision. HE would have made a DECISION. maybe he would have for whatever reason made a bad decision, even if he had, he may through that, have realised something about himself, some old habit or weakness that he had not resolved, maybe realised that there were things about his marriage that needed working on, maybe realised he did not appreciate his wife, etc, he MAY even have realised that your friend was the love of his life!...

you DO NOT KNOW if this mans life was ruined because of this, you just ASSUME. the trouble lies in you feeling guilty and responsible for this, and there is your real problem. if it still upsets you 3 years on, without any knowledge of what actually transpired, then the problem most definetly is within yourself.

i think possibly a reason why you may have got a bad response from some ow here is this. you feel sorry for this mm that was being manipulated by this women, well alot of ow here are feeling terrible because they feel that they have been manipulated into a relationship themselves by the MM. they also feel that they made a choice based on false information (not always so black and white as married, not married). the truth is that we all have choices, but sometimes make bad ones. it is through this that we can learn about ourselves and see what the external is reflecting from the internal. people also have feelings about these situations as you yourself do. we should all be understanding of each others feelings here.

[newbby]

Some people maybe cannot tolerate vain shallow women with narcissistic tendencies. I understand that and I plead guilty.

you make some interesting points in your posts here elmejor, it is refreshing and beneficial to see some intelligent points made that i think are sometimes taken badly or misunderstood. the only criticism i would have is that you might also benefit from seeing the others pov aswell.

[dragonfish]

he MAY even have realised that your friend was the love of his life!...

wasn't my friend, was a co-worker.

 

you DO NOT KNOW if this mans life was ruined because of this, you just ASSUME. the trouble lies in you feeling guilty and responsible for this, and there is your real problem. if it still upsets you 3 years on, without any knowledge of what actually transpired, then the problem most definetly is within yourself.

Actually, I never assumed that the man's life was ruined. Please re-read my posts. This was always about me and my problem with not saying something in a situation that made me uncomfortable. I tried to make the point a few times that the reason I started the post was due to my discomfort and my feelings. ----- those feelings that got bashed again by the women who judged me. They don't know me, nor did they know the woman in my story, but because it was a woman who was an OW they immediately jumped on me as being judgemental, not her as being a manipulative b***ch - which by the way she was.

 

i think possibly a reason why you may have got a bad response from some ow here is this. you feel sorry for this mm that was being manipulated by this women, well alot of ow here are feeling terrible because they feel that they have been manipulated into a relationship themselves by the MM.

I really do understand that, and feel bad for their pain. As I said in my last post. Those who are tricked and manipulated are victims. Men can be victims too. I don't get why women have such a hard time with that idea. By the way, mostly I felt sorry for the MM's wife.

 

Ya know - after all this, I'm going to get in touch with one of my old co-workers and try to find out what actually happened. If I find out, I'll let y'all know.