My girlfriend of two years just broke up with me.

[blah1234]

Yeah . . . A little less than a week ago she told me that she wanted a "break." Usually when couples take a break, it means that they are just going to see what it's like to be on their own for a little while and then talk about it a month or two later. However, this "break" is pretty much a break-up.

 

As she put it "it's like we're breaking up, but there is still a chance we could get back together."

 

She told me that she needed time to figure out who she was and she needs to try to date other people to see if I am the right one for her. I guess, I understand that, but it's still very hard for me. She says that it is going to take at least 6 months (or possibly a year or longer) to figure things out. And she doesn't want me to wait for her. So, it's pretty much a full fledged break-up.

 

This is very hard for me because she was my best friend before we started dating and we just started college a few months ago (in a different state together), so I don't really have many friends here. I used to come to her anytime I had a problem, but now I can't do that.

 

We've still been hanging out and eating dinner together, but the time we are spending with eachother is about %10 of what it used to be. For the most part, we've been fine just hanging out together, but it's hard because I always want to say those things I can't say anymore... and it's hard breaking all the little relationship habits (like holding hands or snuggling on a couch).

 

On top of it, I always feel bad calling her or stopping by her room because I feel like I'm bothering her.

 

I know she feels the same uneasyness towards me. I also know that on some level she still loves me. And maybe (a big maybe) I could talk her into trying things again... but that would be selfish of me.

 

It's a tough situation.

[WindDrifter]

Mate sorta ditto.

 

2.5 Years about 2 week ago she wants to break up. Needs time alone to figure things out. Doesn't know if we are meant to be together for the long run. My gf needs at least a couple months to a year. She doesn't want to see anyone and neither do I but that might change.

 

Its tough mate. Since your girl wants to date so should you. I know its tough but the sooner you see others and she sees this then maybe she will wake up to what she is loosing. My problem is we are broken up and want to get back together but I am afriad if I initiate seeing others my gf will do this just because I have.

 

i am just as confused as you!

 

Spend time with your mates. Go to gym work off the stress and get a great body makes the ex really jealous. Work on yourself. Do what you want to do. Its the best medicine.

 

Good Luck!

WD

[blah1234]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I think the best thing I can do is to try to get in that mode of being friends with her again. I've always had a knack at making her laugh and smile. I could pretty much cheer her up no matter what. I think that's the thing about me she really fell in love with. So, I think maybe she'll re-realize that we are supposed to be together.

 

There is one problem however: In order for it to work, I really need to become friends with her again. I can't have this looming feeling of longing for her every time I talk to her. I think that's the hardest part.

 

But I still need to give her this time to figure out what she wants to do with her life.

[WindDrifter]

Mate just do what feels right in your heard and talk to her. Let her come to you. Don't try and contact her. With the whole friends things I think it might be better if you hang out with your friends unless you both have that same friends and that will be quite difficult to handle but try your best. Good luck!

H

[AmberAriesMom]

Yeah . . . A little less than a week ago she told me that she wanted a "break." Usually when couples take a break, it means that they are just going to see what it's like to be on their own for a little while and then talk about it a month or two later. However, this "break" is pretty much a break-up.

 

As she put it "it's like we're breaking up, but there is still a chance we could get back together."

 

She told me that she needed time to figure out who she was and she needs to try to date other people to see if I am the right one for her. I guess, I understand that, but it's still very hard for me. She says that it is going to take at least 6 months (or possibly a year or longer) to figure things out. And she doesn't want me to wait for her. So, it's pretty much a full fledged break-up.

 

This is very hard for me because she was my best friend before we started dating and we just started college a few months ago (in a different state together), so I don't really have many friends here. I used to come to her anytime I had a problem, but now I can't do that.

 

We've still been hanging out and eating dinner together, but the time we are spending with eachother is about %10 of what it used to be. For the most part, we've been fine just hanging out together, but it's hard because I always want to say those things I can't say anymore... and it's hard breaking all the little relationship habits (like holding hands or snuggling on a couch).

 

On top of it, I always feel bad calling her or stopping by her room because I feel like I'm bothering her.

 

I know she feels the same uneasyness towards me. I also know that on some level she still loves me. And maybe (a big maybe) I could talk her into trying things again... but that would be selfish of me.

 

It's a tough situation.

 

Please respect this woman's feelings.

[amerikajin]

"Please respect this woman's feelings"

 

Yes, please respect her feelings...and please respect your feelings even more.

 

Usually when couples take a break, it means that they are just going to see what it's like to be on their own for a little while and then talk about it a month or two later. However, this "break" is pretty much a break-up.

 

"Let's take a break" is a phrase you never want to hear from your s.o. It means, "Um, can you wait here a moment while I see if I can't find someone who turns me on more than you?"

 

She told me that she needed time to figure out who she was and she needs to try to date other people to see if I am the right one for her. I guess, I understand that, but it's still very hard for me. She says that it is going to take at least 6 months (or possibly a year or longer) to figure things out. And she doesn't want me to wait for her. So, it's pretty much a full fledged break-up.

 

I don't know your situation 100 percent but taking an educated guess, I'd say it's something like this: she's of the opinion that you want her more than she wants you, and she's known this for a long time. She knows that right now, you're the one who's on the losing end of the break-up. "I don't want you to wait for me" means "Don't bother me while I'm looking for someone else" But she's thrown in just enough clauses in there to leave herself the opportunity to pry her way back into your life - let's see if she keeps saying "I don't want you to wait for me" when she's striking out on the dating scene and you're getting it on with some other chick...got my doubts.

 

We've still been hanging out and eating dinner together, but the time we are spending with eachother is about %10 of what it used to be. For the most part, we've been fine just hanging out together, but it's hard because I always want to say those things I can't say anymore... and it's hard breaking all the little relationship habits (like holding hands or snuggling on a couch).

 

I think this paragraph is the one you should re-read. The relationship was gradually going downhill but nothing was done about it; it's too late now. Consider this a learning experience. I think women (and men too, I suppose) have their own way of saying "I'm bored" without actually saying it. Women do not feel an ounce of guilt if you fail to pick up on those nonverbal signs, because in the end they look for people who are able to pick up on the subtleties of body language.

 

On top of it, I always feel bad calling her or stopping by her room because I feel like I'm bothering her.

 

There's no need to feel bad about this. But you're right, she probably will be annoyed if you keep dropping by her room, so I'd just leave her alone. It's a tough adjustment to make, but you've got to start healing and let her get on with whatever it is she needs to do for herself.

 

I know she feels the same uneasyness towards me. I also know that on some level she still loves me. And maybe (a big maybe) I could talk her into trying things again... but that would be selfish of me.

 

Nah, you can't talk her into dating you again - she has to want that. Right now, she wants to date other people. She won't date you unless she's had time to test the market, and by the time you two get back together again, she will have dated other people, and you might have as well. It's a difficult thing to accept that a relationship is over, especially with all the memories that come with it. But at some point, reality has to set in. It's possible that you may reunite, but the odds are against it. Your ex is at least giving you some good advice: don't wait around for her. Give yourself time to heal and think about what happened in the relationship; where it went wrong. Be honest and look at what you did wrong; don't just look at what you didn't like about her. Once you've gone through that process, date someone more compatible and apply what you've learned so that your next relationship is more successful.

 

In the meantime, do things that also alleviate the pain. Take up a hobby. Hang out with buds. Spend time with family. Whatever...do what it takes to get in the right frame of mind to move on.

 

It does suck to go through this, but you'll make it. Good luck.

[alphamale]

As she put it "it's like we're breaking up, but there is still a chance we could get back together."

you have one chance and one chance only of getting back together w/ her BLAH1234....and that is to institute total and unadulterated NC with her. No contact at all! Being "freinds" with her is totally counterproductive. Why would she ever want you back as a lover if you're already in her life as a "friend"??

 

On top of it, I always feel bad calling her or stopping by her room because I feel like I'm bothering her.

you are.

[amerikajin]

ALPHAMALE,

 

Ever notice how so many fellow dudes just don't get it when it comes to the break up? Not trying to rub salt in the wound here, but the whole "I know she still loves me, I know she feels bad about this" crap gets under my skin. Bro! She doesn't care...that's the bottom line. She's already moved on.

 

Healing comes when you, as a man, say 'F_ck, I don't need her"

 

No, I'm not saying be a proud arrogant d!ck who puts all the blame on her, but I am saying there's this thing called pride, and we all need to find it if we are to get over the pain of a breakup.

[alphamale]

Ever notice how so many fellow dudes just don't get it when it comes to the break up?

yep...its the male ego thing. "but but but...she HAS to still love me"

 

She's already moved on.

thats why 80% of time its woman who leaves the man...

 

Healing comes when you, as a man, say 'F_ck, I don't need her"

i try to say and think this even when i'm in a relationship...keeps me from getting too emotionally invested. THATs what keeps women areound, when they sense that you're indifferent about them.

 

i tell 'em: "hey if you wanna be with me, great....if you wanna be with someone else, great, see ya later...."

[cygny]

I used to come to her anytime I had a problem, but now I can't do that.

 

 

i suspect this has something to do with the breakup. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be able to talk with your girlfriend about your problems, not at all. It's an important part of being intimate. But there has to be a balance. She has to feel that you are also strong and independent. Not all the time but most of the time. If you are going to her with your problems and doing the snuggly thing too often and for too long, it's likely that the spark has gone out for her.

 

The general sense i get from your post is that you leaned on her a little too much, and she started to feel smothered.

 

The best thing you can do is to make friends of your own and start having a good time without her. In a few months there may be a chance contact with her where you can make her laugh again. At that time you must maintain yourself, and not fall back into the 'clingy guy syndrome'.

[lindya]

i tell 'em: "hey if you wanna be with me, great....if you wanna be with someone else, great, see ya later...."

 

Too much indifference can kill things. Remember that these days most people are endless consumers of pop psychologiy...and the various face-saving tricks men use are drummed into women via tv, the internet, books, magazine articles etc.

 

The less you look like you're prepared to invest anything in the relationship, the more important it becomes for the woman to reduce her own emotional holding in it. I know you might come back and say the things you always say about attractive, desirable women behaving like A, B and C....but you must surely know that most people don't - in reality - fall into those convenient and predictable packages of behaviour.

 

Many might gravitate towards some of them, but you also have to take account of individuals' unique experiences and mental processes. They also play an important part in how a person will respond to relationship "techniques"...so emotions certainly don't dictate every action a woman takes within a relationship. Untimately, excessive indifference could bar you from happiness and fulfilment...and provide little more than an empty feeling of triumph in a game that perhaps wasn't worth playing to begin with.

[cygny]

Too much indifference can kill things. Remember that these days most people are endless consumers of pop psychologiy...and the various face-saving tricks men use are drummed into women via tv, the internet, books, magazine articles etc.

 

The less you look like you're prepared to invest anything in the relationship, the more important it becomes for the woman to reduce her own emotional holding in it. I know you might come back and say the things you always say about attractive, desirable women behaving like A, B and C....but you must surely know that most people don't - in reality - fall into those convenient and predictable packages of behaviour.

 

Many might gravitate towards some of them, but you also have to take account of individuals' unique experiences and mental processes. They also play an important part in how a person will respond to relationship "techniques"...so emotions certainly don't dictate every action a woman takes within a relationship. Untimately, excessive indifference could bar you from happiness and fulfilment...and provide little more than an empty feeling of triumph in a game that perhaps wasn't worth playing to begin with.

 

Amen.

 

Most women with any self-awareness are on to the devices and ploys men use. They are looking for men who, while independent, are also good partners who care about them.

[blah1234]

The general sense i get from your post is that you leaned on her a little too much, and she started to feel smothered.

 

No... that's not it at all. In fact, she is the one that would always lean on me. She had a lot of stress issues (especially early in the relationship) which, for the the most part, I helped her work through.

 

Although, whoever said that maybe she was getting bored in the relationship maybe right. One of the things she brought up in the "taking a break" conversation is that we don't talk that much when we eat together... mostly because there isn't much to say because we spent so much time together.

 

On another note, she told me earlier in the week that she was busy Friday and Saturday (today and yesterday), so she probably wouldn't see me. So, I decided that I was just going to let her be for those days and not contact her at all.

 

Well, yesterday she talked to me online (because she IMed me) and I told her I was going to be at this event and asked her if she was going, she said probably not. Although, she did show up to this event and I talked to her for a little while. That is probably not much more than coincidence though because I'm pretty sure she was with a friend that wanted to go.

 

Then she called me at like 3AM because she accidentally dialed my number when trying to call someone else.

 

Also, today she called me out of the blue to have lunch. Although, she pretty much just told me that she got a little drunk last night and got hit on by a bunch of guys. And she wanted to know if I was mad at her at all for some reason.

 

P.S. she never drinks... she once had a mikes hard lemonade, but that's it. This is the first time she's ever been tipsy or a little bit past that point.

[cygny]

could it be you both really do need a break? sometimes when couples go through periods of a lot of stress (either or both) the emphasis on solving problems etc starts to supercede the basis for their attraction to each other, and the relationship gets stale. Too comfortable in a way, and a little irritating sometimes.

 

It's happened to me before. Wasn't pleasant for him or for me. Difficult and painful.

 

If so, both people should redirect a good portion of their time to things outside the relationship. Recenter and refocus.

 

In your case, I think you have no option really. If you keep up the contact on this level, you will definitely fall into the friend zone and stay there. Speaking from my own experience as a woman, mind you.

[cygny]

wonder who else she was calling at 3AM

 

she asked if you were mad because she knows she's out flirting and hurting your feelings. she's stringing you along a little, not wanting to let you go, while she goes out and tests the waters, you are her security blanket.

 

my advice: cut it off. have some pride.

[blah1234]

wonder who else she was calling at 3AM

 

she asked if you were mad because she knows she's out flirting and hurting your feelings. she's stringing you along a little, not wanting to let you go, while she goes out and tests the waters, you are her security blanket.

 

my advice: cut it off. have some pride.

 

She told me she was calling one of her (female) friends because her friend was too drunk to type on AIM.

[cygny]

you believe that?

[blah1234]

Yeah, I do. I mean, why would she lie about that?

[cygny]

if you were were in her shoes, and called her accidentally in stead of a new girl, what would you say?

 

maybe it was the truth, but either way, i'm just sayin, if you stay around her right now, get yourself ready--and put on a big raincoat--because you will be treated like sh*t--alternating of course with little glimmers of how it used to be...that will keep you hooked in and hurting.

 

i could be wrong, but if you choose to stay and things continue like this, i would definitely bail out, it's a sinking ship.

[blah1234]

naw, naw... I'm 99% sure that it wasn't another guy she was calling.

[amerikajin]

Then she called me at like 3AM because she accidentally dialed my number when trying to call someone else.

 

I have the exact same thoughts as cygny. She might have been calling another guy. She could have been calling one of her female friends, but exactly who would she be calling?

 

Also, her telling you about being hit on by other guys...my first reaction to that is, "What's her f*cking problem?" It's like she's trying to get a reaction out of you.

 

I agree with cygny: cut her loose. The more you hang around her, the more pain she will cause you. Trust me on this one. Being her friend afterward is not a good idea. Being her friend 6 months from now when you have already moved on emotionally is a better idea.

[amerikajin]

The less you look like you're prepared to invest anything in the relationship, the more important it becomes for the woman to reduce her own emotional holding in it. I know you might come back and say the things you always say about attractive, desirable women behaving like A, B and C....but you must surely know that most people don't - in reality - fall into those convenient and predictable packages of behaviour.

 

From my point of view as a guy, I assume that I have to be somewhat guarded in the degree to which I express interest in a woman in the beginning - especially if she is physically attractive. I figure that so many meathead men will walk up to a babe and tell her how beautiful she looks when it's so obvious to her that they're interested in sex or they're somehow overwhelmed by her beauty. I figure that I have to be somewhat aloof during our initial encounters in order to convince her that I have some depth. But you're right - too much aloofness will eventually convince her that you've got issues with emotional attachment, and that can ruin a relationship as much as being too clingy. It's a balance that one must strike between the two extremes.

[blah1234]

Oh, man... she is really ****ing with my head.

 

So, she calls me up and invites me to dinner with a group of mutual acquantences and some comedy club thing afterwards. I tell her that I'll think about it.

 

So, she calls me back a couple hours ago and tells me that they aren't going to a comedy club anymore. Instead they are going to a party. So, she asks me if I'm going to come and I say maybe again.

 

Then she tells me: "Well, it might be uncomfortable for you, I just want you to know that."

So I say, "Why would I be uncomfortable?"

She answers "Well, I'm going to be drinking and I don't know how you'll feel if I hook up with another guy or something."

 

What the ****?

 

So, for some reason I go to the dinner with her, but when I get there she asks me about it again and I say, "well, I'm a little dis-heartened that it's taken you only a little over a week to get over things, but if that's you're choice..."

 

So then she tells me that it's not really true. She just said it to push my buttons and she said that she wasn't sure why. She wasn't even planning on drinking very much. And she asked if I came to make sure she was going to be ok and I tell her that, yeah, I want to make sure she's safe... especially if she walks home by herself.

 

So she tells me something like "I think I said I was going to hook up with other guys because I didn't really want you to come. I feel like I couldn't be myself if you were there"

 

So, I told her I wouldn't come (but I stayed for the dinner part).

 

So then she says "I'll call you when I get back so you know I'm ok."

and I tell her "Well, you can make you're one decisions, I'm sure you'll be responsible. So, you don't have to call me if you don't want to."

And then she says without hesitation "I'll call you"

 

That is of course assuming that she'll be in her own mind enough to remember.

 

Man, what do I do?

[cygny]

Tell her to f*ck off.

 

basically. in a nice way of course.

 

and then stay the hell away.

[amerikajin]

Man, what do I do?

 

Ditto: tell her to get lost. If you don't actually want to tell her that, just ignore her - that means NO F*CKING CONTACT!!! That means not calling her. That means, when she calls you don't pick up the phone.

 

Listen, putting it nicely, she's a bit 'confused'. Putting it not so nicely, she's a bit f*cked in the head right now. She sounds really immature, like she's into head games or something. There's a part of her that needs to feel powerful and unfortunately, she's abusing her power where you're concerned. Maybe some of the women here can give you some insight into this garbage because I've never understood it.

 

She is going to continue playing these games with you until she feels like she's gotten whatever sick satisfaction she can get out of hurting you. Whatever - forget her, and fast.

 

But back on track: avoid her at all costs. Right now, she's the one at fault, but if you keep falling victim to her games and tactics, well then you'll only have yourself to blame for that.