Separated 3 Months, Still Clueless

[NightCrawler76]

My first time here. Thought I'd share a bit about my situation, see what people think. My wife and I have been married for almost 6 years, but separated for the last 3 months. It's always been a bit rocky, but I've always loved her. We've both done our share of bad things. She used to abuse drugs and alchohol pretty badly. Couldn't hold a job. I stuck with her through alot of bad stuff. Her staying out all night with her loser friends, hitting me, running up debts. I always worked, payed the bills, and took care of her though, love her through it all.

Now at the same time, I would pull away from her emotionally. I just worked, paid the bills. When I wasn't doing that I'd want to be alone, watch tv, play on my computer. I've always drank pretty heavily but never had problems from it. No legal trouble, didn't get violent. The first 4 years or so of our marriage was kinda like that. Alot of ups and downs. We moved several times because of my job transfers. The last couple years she's really cleaned up. No drugs, only a drink sometimes. Trying hard to be a better person. Working on a more regular basis, but still, I paid all the bills. Me on the other hand, I had kind of drawn further into a shell. Found myself thinking back to my first love, wondering what could have been. Not wanting to spend time with my wife. I admit I didn't pay much attention to her. I still loved her though. So for the last year or so the tension had been building. She'd demand attention, I'd pull further away. I never cheated, though I did look at porn online and chat sometimes. That crushed her. It would break her heart every time she'd find out. I guess it was kind of an outlet for me. Things took a bad turn for me career wise and I was making alot less all of a sudden. On the flip side she for the first time ever had a job where she was making more than me. I was down about work, drinking alot, in my emotional shell, not really talking to her. Eventually she demanded that I move out. She came home one night, I was drinking, watching, tv, and she just flipped out. Said I had to go RIGHT THEN. So I did. Ended up getting a cheap apartment about a half hour from her. Didn't talk for a couple weeks, then started talking again. Was friendly for a bit, then nothing for awhile. Then she was talking about us getting divorced, that there had been too much pain in the past, I agreed, somewhat reluctantly. Then things went bad for her. Lost her job, had some medical problems. Haven't heard anything from her about divorce since. So now we were talking a bit more, I helped her out with money. She was just over about 10 days ago, visited for a bit, was very sweet, I gave her what money I could spare. She seemed like she really missed me. I started thinking about maybe getting back with her again. A few days go by, then I called her to wish her a Happy Birthday last Sunday. She says, "I don't think we should talk anymore. I've got a boyfriend."

Now I blew up then. Called her alot of names. Hung up. I called her the next day, said I was sorry for the names, but that I was just really upset. I told her how I felt betrayed. She was coming to me for help when she had a boyfriend??? I took care of her for all those years, stood by her, I even stopped her from killing herself on more than one occasion. We're still married, and she's seeing someone else? I said, "I know I'm not perfect, and I've done things I'm ashamed of, but you oughta be ashamed of that." She said she thought I didn't love her anymore. I said I did and hung up. That was it. We haven't talked since then.

 

Now I'm really a wreck. Angry, sad, hurt, lonely, feeling guilty. Not sure what the hell to do. I do still love her.

 

That's my story so far.

[Mz. Pixie]

Okay, this is how I see it.

 

I believe this woman has far too many problems than you can fix. She was content to let you take care of her during the marriage and you constantly "parented" her. She came to you and was sweet because she needed some money, honey, nothing more. Now, she's found someone else to get things from and she doesn't need that from you anymore.

 

If you guys don't have children I'd think about cutting my losses.

[trickynj99]

night

 

i have to agree with MzPixie..i am always more hopeful though..IF you love her then you can always "choose" to hang in...people will tell you things but its your choice...it does look like she used you though and that's tough to forgive.

 

i wish you the best...

 

i'm living in an apartment 5 miles from my "House" right now too..

[Becoming]

Not to excuse her behavior in any way, but your marriage failed partly because you ignored her emotionally for years, and this may have been like hitting her if she grew up in a house where her parents were emotionally absent.

 

If you want her back, you're going to have to do the necessary work on what causes you to emotionally withdraw and find out how to meet each other's emotional needs by working through the stuff on http://www.marriagebuilders.com. How did you win her in the first place? Did that stop when you married? Can you/do you want to court her again because I can guarantee that's what she wants. She wanted you first and foremost, and you weren't there. She waited and waited but you never showed up. Are you going to now? If you do, you might have a chance, otherwise, see a lawyer.

[Larrry]

You can't hang her past over her head, she's changed. You can't rest on what you've done in the past, because you aren't that person anymore.

The sad reality is that you're careers gone down the tubes, you're into porn too much, you drink heavily, and you are emotionally withdrawn.

I don't see how you're going to be able to get her back now. Especially if she has a man who is emotionally available for her for the first time in years. And there's very little chance you're going to find a woman that will want to stay with you once they get to know you well.

You need to examine yourself and turn your life around. And even though you helped her out with some money, that doens't mean a damn thing compared with the apologies you owe for your behavior for the past few years.

I do feel sorry for you because I know you love her and I know what it's like to hurt. But you've got to change.

[NightCrawler76]

Thanks for your responses so far. Larry, I don't think I'm as messed up as you make me sound, but I do appreciate your comments. I really feel like the things that I put up with early in our marriage, how she was, the pain she caused me, and me trying to hold it together, really took a toll on me emotionally. Now that she's a better person, I haven't been able to get past the pain from before. That's what caused me to withdraw. That in turn caused her great pain. Being alone for the last few months has helped me realize that.

 

I don't worry too much about her "boyfriend." I don't know who it is but I'm pretty sure she didn't just meet a keeper right out of the blue in the last 10 days or so. I know she still loves me, has strong feelings for me, and I feel the same way. I'm just not sure if either of us can get past the baggage and the pain we've caused eachother in the past.

 

I know how I'd have to change my thinking, my approach to life, and while I know it's the right thing to do, I'm not sure I'm up to it. I think the time alone has helped me get closer to how I should lead my life, but I still am not where I know I need to be to make it work. Yet.

 

Now I wonder, if I do get there, will she want to be with me and will either of us be able to move beyond the hurt from the past. Lots of things up in the air right now.

[Larrry]

You say you don't know if you are up to making the changes you need to make. You can't make those changes overnight. But you can begin and that's all anyone can do. And you need to work on these changes for you, not her. Once you begin changing, she will definitely notice.

You are probably right, first one or two guys out the gate will very much likely not be keepers.

It's been two years since my divorce and my ex and I are now starting to date each other a little. I never thought this would happen and I'm clueless where it's going. But what's got me to where I am now is this. I looked at myself and figured out what I needed to do to change and started on it. I figured out what I liked doing, whereas before I enjoyed doing nothing. I started dong those things. I made more new friends in one year than I did the previous 20 years. And I resolved that every phone call, every face to face visit, that I would be unfaillingly nice and listen to her intently, and just be her friend with no expectations and try to help her and not talk about "us" or the past, just what's in our lives now. It's has changed things around.

Even if things don't work between us down the road, I am better for it, and other women will take notice of you, even if she doesn't.

Three months out, I was a basket case, I never knew I could hurt as much as I did. I truly feel for you. But all you have right now is yourself and time. Try to spend it wisely. Find something that makes you happy and gives you a sense of accomplishment and work at it some. Find something about yourslef that's not too hard to change/fix and work at it. Good luck my friend.

[brokenherz]

Wow Larry, you sound very positive and you seemed to have found some inner piece. I hope I’ll get there soon.

 

If you read a lot of separation stories here on Loveshake than you know you’ll going to be all right wither it is because she found somebody serious and you have to move on, or you’ll find somebody nice and don’t want her back. Maybe you’ll finally figure out waiting doesn’t help and that you have to do some work on yourself.

 

Being away from your partner definitely gives you time to do something about yourself. I came up with a bunch of my faults (and his too) that I have to work on and every week I feel a little better about myself. I really think about who I am and what I want in my next relationship with a man. Well I’m not there yet but it is interesting how different I want my life to be. I have no choice I’m getting a baby in a month and my life WILL change…

 

I know you’re in a lot of pain and it will last for a while but we have to think positive…I hope you’ll be happy again; life has so much to offer us. Keep yourself healthy, away from drugs and you already start to become a better and healthier person.

 

Good luck NC76.