maolae Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 I am 25 years old and have been in a committed relationship for 8 years. I get along very well with most of my boyfriend's friends, but lately I have found myself becoming extremely close with one in particular. The thing is, he does not live in the same state as us any longer and our relationship is totally over the phone or computer. We talk for hours on end at night and can talk about anything and everything. Lately we have started having more sexual conversations, but they do not really involve us, it has just been about sex in general. My boyfriend knows that we talk, although he may not realize the extent or what we really talk about. I am very torn about this, is this cheating??? Please help! Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 I would say you're entering into an emotional affair. Right now you might just be talking about sex in general but later on it could go into more talking about sex with ech other etc. Thats where it looks to be headed. Hes providing something for you,. that you seem to be lacking from your b/f. However, I think the main question you need to ask yourself, is, "Do you want to stay in the relationship with your b/f?" If you say yes, then you need to break all ties with this other guy. Your relationship will not get any better as long as this other guy is in the picture. If you do NOT want things to work out with your b/f, then cut him loose. Don't play him, or this other guy. Also this guy isn't your b/f's friend if hes talking with you like that. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 it may not be technically, but you are very very very very very close to it and you couldn't blame your bf if he got upset. good rule of thumb--if you would feel uncomfortable about doing this with your boyfriend being present and aware of everything being said, then it is probably. in any case it seems like you are having what is called an 'emotional affair'--emotionally involved with someone besides your partner. why have you not pulled back? that is something you need to think about and answer to yourself. then, you need to ask yourself if you really love your boyfriend and if you should break up. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 How would you feel if your boyfriend was having these type of sexual conversations with another girl behind your back? You are disrespecting your boyfriend and your relationship? I am sure you would not like this if your boyfriend was doing this to you so why are you doing this to him? Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 It is obvious that you are getting something emotional from this guy on the computer or you wouldn't continue to keep having contact with him.. You are in a relationship and on the computer talking with another guy that is not helping your relationship ,pretty soon you will start shutting your bf out and it will all be about this guy on the computer.. You are cheating with this guy emotionally !! Something is lacking in your relationship to be turning the talk into sexual you are wanting more with the guy on the computer..Your bf isn't giving you something and this guy is..My advice to you is work on your relationship with bf and end the sex talk and all with computer guy!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author maolae Posted January 20, 2006 Author Share Posted January 20, 2006 Okay, to clarify something....when I said it had turned sexual I don't mean in a serious matter...it's like the way I would joke around with my girlfriends. That's why I'm so confused about it b/c it feels like a relationship I have with my best girlfriend and that's not inappropriate, so is this inappropriate just because he's of the opposite sex? My boyfriend and I have a very good relationship, we may not talk as much as I would like, but that's just the female in me, so it's not like I'm seeking conversation elsewhere, this other guy and I just really get along. If my boyfriend were doing this with one of my girlfriends, I would trust each of them to know it wouldn't snowball into anything other than a friendship...I wouldn't consider it disrespectful to me. My bf knows I talk to his friend and he doesn't have a problem with us having the friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 well it may be ok. i think the issue is, do you have a clear idea where the boundary is? and more precisely-- if your boyfriend were to discover or listen in to one of your conversations without you being aware, would he think you were cheating? would it damage the trust between you? Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 If you're fine with this, and your b/f is fine with this, then whats the problem? I would imagine you felt a little confused as how to take things with this other guy or you wouldn't have posted. There is a difference between talking to one of your girl friends about sexual matters in general jokingly, but another when you talk that way with a guy friend. Something that can happen is one of,or both parties is liable to read to much into it. You should be joking about sexual matters with your b/f not another guy. Like I said if all parties involved are cool with it, then there shouldn't be a problem. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Author maolae Posted January 20, 2006 Author Share Posted January 20, 2006 I would imagine you felt a little confused as how to take things with this other guy or you wouldn't have posted. That's exactly why I posted....I don't want to lose my friendship with this guy, because he is a great friend, but I also don't want things to get out of hand or for him to get the wrong idea. I'm just looking for a happy medium, is it possible to have one?? if your boyfriend were to discover or listen in to one of your conversations without you being aware, would he think you were cheating? would it damage the trust between you? I don't think my bf would have a problem with it...but I could also be speaking for myself. My bf has a bit of a jealous streak whereas I am more tolerant. Like I said, he knows we talk a lot and doesn't have a problem with our friendship, but he may have a problem with SOME stuff that we talk about. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 The thing you need to think about is how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and then that will be your answer is it right or wrong!!! Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 "but he may have a problem with SOME STUFF we talk about." That right there might be why you need to rethink this. You feel its ok because you're the one caught up in this relationship/friendship with this other guy. Like I said before this other guy is feeding you something you're lacking from your b/f, be it communication, attention, emotional closeness, intimacy, etc. Or you wouldn't feel the nedd to want to talk to this other guy as much as you do. I think you might want to weigh your options here, and see which relationship is more important. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 is it a problem for you to curtail the sexual talk? why don't you just stop it? redirect the conversation into safer areas. if that feels problematic to you, then you're probably fooling yourself--you've got a thing going on with this guy, emotionally. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maolae Posted January 20, 2006 Author Share Posted January 20, 2006 You feel its ok because you're the one caught up in this relationship/friendship with this other guy. That could be very true...and I'm not a jealous person so I am much more tolerant of my bf talking to other women or having friendships, etc. I suppose the respectful thing to do would be to simply tone down our conversations and keep things totally platonic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maolae Posted January 20, 2006 Author Share Posted January 20, 2006 if that feels problematic to you, then you're probably fooling yourself--you've got a thing going on with this guy, emotionally. Nice word, problematic....I don't have a problem shifting the conversation into safer areas, but I guess you hit the nail on the head. I am an extremely emotional person when it comes to my relationships. I take my friendships very seriously and put a lot of time and effort into them and I feel it shouldn't matter whether it's one of my girlfriends or another guy. So the answer is yes, I do have an emotional connection with this guy, but it is only on a friendship level....is that wrong? I have emotional connections with my girlfriends and I'm not a lesbian, so as long as my feelings are strictly platonic with this guy and I just enjoy talking to him, why should that be considered cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 is this cheating??? Please help! Yes. Imagine if a b/f you were committed to was talking with another girl about sexual activities. Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Nice word, problematic....I don't have a problem shifting the conversation into safer areas, but I guess you hit the nail on the head. I am an extremely emotional person when it comes to my relationships. I take my friendships very seriously and put a lot of time and effort into them and I feel it shouldn't matter whether it's one of my girlfriends or another guy. So the answer is yes, I do have an emotional connection with this guy, but it is only on a friendship level....is that wrong? I have emotional connections with my girlfriends and I'm not a lesbian, so as long as my feelings are strictly platonic with this guy and I just enjoy talking to him, why should that be considered cheating? I can understand your feeling that way. at this point you are on the 'safe' side of things-- otoh--- I think every person in a committed relationship has to do SOME things to avoid putting themselves in places where they could be tempted to cheat, to avoid the appearance of cheating, and to be considerate of their SO's feelings. it's an important relationship skill that has to be held in balance with one's naturalness in friendships. If you had no doubt about the 'rightness' of these conversations, you would not be asking the question here in the first place, would you? that's your first clue. There was another thread started this morning by a guy--who found some chat conversations that his long-term gf had with other guys, and these had sexual content/banter. check it out and notice how the other men responded. It may put things into perspective for you. If it doesn't, then what you are doing might be fine. It's not a black and white thing--and without seeing what you actually say to each other, it's hard for anyone to give you more than general principles. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Yes. Imagine if a b/f you were committed to was talking with another girl about sexual activities. Cecelius is correct. Even if you move the conversation to a safer ground as far as NOT talking about anything in a sexual nature, you already stated you have an emotional connection with him. Your "emotional connection" should be with your b/f. My guess is thats what may be lacking with your b/f and thats why this emotional bond formed on a deeper level with this other guy. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Author maolae Posted January 20, 2006 Author Share Posted January 20, 2006 CYGNY ~ I agree with you totally about making sure not to put yourself in tempting situations and I suppose that's why I feel I am on the safe side of things....not only can I stop any inappropriate conversations we may be having, but he doesn't even live in the same state so as far as anything further progressing, that would never happen, whether he lived right next door or not. thank you for your input though, it has been extremely insightful! Your "emotional connection" should be with your b/f. My guess is thats what may be lacking with your b/f and thats why this emotional bond formed on a deeper level with this other guy. You are right, and I suppose I never really thought about it b/c I feel like I have an emotional connection with my bf but something must be lacking somewhere or I wouldn't be seeking it from another guy, I would simply stick to talking with my girlfriends, right??? Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Just to be on the safe side--why don't you tell your bf about these chats and say that even though you and the friend talk about sex, that it is just like talking to your girlfriends--see what his reaction is, give him any assurances that he might need, and stop if he has a problem with it. then tell the friend about what you've done and where the boundary is. by getting it out in the open, there won't be any questions in anyone's mind. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 CYGNY ~ I agree with you totally about making sure not to put yourself in tempting situations and I suppose that's why I feel I am on the safe side of things....not only can I stop any inappropriate conversations we may be having, but he doesn't even live in the same state so as far as anything further progressing, that would never happen, whether he lived right next door or not. thank you for your input though, it has been extremely insightful! You are right, and I suppose I never really thought about it b/c I feel like I have an emotional connection with my bf but something must be lacking somewhere or I wouldn't be seeking it from another guy, I would simply stick to talking with my girlfriends, right??? You hit the nail right on the head ,stay clear of this guy and the computer work on your relationship and quit searching for it elsewhere!! Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 The other thing to be aware of is that many many marriages have broken up because one partner developed an emotional connection with somebody else over the internet. it didn't make any difference that the 3rd party lived in another state or another country. the distance doesn't prevent an affair from developing. so..even though you are on the safe side now, i still say you are on a dangerous path and would be ideal to divert the direction you are taking this into safer territory. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maolae Posted January 20, 2006 Author Share Posted January 20, 2006 Just to be on the safe side--why don't you tell your bf about these chats and say that even though you and the friend talk about sex, that it is just like talking to your girlfriends--see what his reaction is, give him any assurances that he might need, and stop if he has a problem with it. then tell the friend about what you've done and where the boundary is. by getting it out in the open, there won't be any questions in anyone's mind. My bf knows about our conversations, sometimes he is sitting there when we're talking so I know that 95% of what we're talking about is perfectly fine. I wish I had a saved conversation that I could use as an example but I guess the best way to describe what we talk about is basically advice on my part. He is single so I will give him advice about women....he will tell me about past relationships/experiences and I will give him my advice. I have not ever discussed my sex life with him in any way, shape or form....we sometimes make jokes about things, but it is in a total joking manner. Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 My bf knows about our conversations, sometimes he is sitting there when we're talking so I know that 95% of what we're talking about is perfectly fine. I wish I had a saved conversation that I could use as an example but I guess the best way to describe what we talk about is basically advice on my part. He is single so I will give him advice about women....he will tell me about past relationships/experiences and I will give him my advice. I have not ever discussed my sex life with him in any way, shape or form....we sometimes make jokes about things, but it is in a total joking manner. what is the 5% like that you are unsure of then? or do you mean the sexual content is 5% and your bf doesn't hear that? the rest sounds ok but 'just barely'-- if it were me, i would not move one fraction of an inch beyond this. IMO, you are right at the boundary line. no discussion of your sex life with your bf or your own sexual history, *ever*. be very careful about the jokes, if they could be misconstrued by your bf that would be beyond the pale, IMO. i think giving him advice is ok, but again that will always reveal something about you. bottom line is if you'd feel odd having your bf right there when you say something or when the friend says something to you, then DON'T. and if you feel like you are getting close to this guy emotionally, pull back and reconnect with your bf. that is essential. Just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maolae Posted January 20, 2006 Author Share Posted January 20, 2006 what is the 5% like that you are unsure of then? or do you mean the sexual content is 5% and your bf doesn't hear that? the rest sounds ok but 'just barely'-- if it were me, i would not move one fraction of an inch beyond this. IMO, you are right at the boundary line. no discussion of your sex life with your bf or your own sexual history, *ever*. be very careful about the jokes, if they could be misconstrued by your bf that would be beyond the pale, IMO. i think giving him advice is ok, but again that will always reveal something about you. bottom line is if you'd feel odd having your bf right there when you say something or when the friend says something to you, then DON'T. and if you feel like you are getting close to this guy emotionally, pull back and reconnect with your bf. that is essential. Just my opinion. Yes, the 5% would be the sexual content that my bf doesn't really hear....he knows that I give his friend advice but no, he does not know that we joke about certain things. I agree with you that I am right at the boundary line, I just never really looked at things from these perspectives. And no, I have in no way every discussed my sex with life with my bf to this guy or my own sexual history! I definitely never thought that giving advice would reveal something about myself, thank you for that! You have been a very big help, I appreciate it! Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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