Cheating men!!

[What a life]

NEED SOME ENCOURAGEMENT,as I will NEVER understand MEN! my boyfriend of six months and I were on " a break" while still discussing our future plans together. On Friday he came to my home to talk, and we decided even though we both really love each other we should just be friends for the time being. On saturday night he came walking in to the restaurant i was in ,holding another girls hand!! (he was obviously on a date) I got really upset, but tried not to show it, yet on Sunday I cried all day and called him. Because I was upset I screamed at him, which I regret . I do really love him, and miss him, but was hoping he would try harder to make our relationship work. I can't believe he says he loves me, then the very next day is some-one else!!!! Am I suppose to just let him go? I now feel cheated and think his jealousy/possessiveness were because he was up to no good behind my back.

[midori]

First let me say that you have my complete and utter sympathy.

 

He wasn't cheating on you. Your relationship was over.

 

But it was very sneaky of him to tell you that he still loves you. Sneaky because saying something like that is so very likely to imply to the person hearing it that there is hope. When they're leaving, some people like to leave the door slightly ajar rather than closing it firmly -- hey, you never know, you might change your mind, might get lonely one night and want to call up the ex, who knows? But wasn't very kind, was it, when he was clearly gearing up to move on and get involved with other women.

 

Or maybe he said those words to console you, because you clearly needed to hear them at the time, because he does still care and didn't want to hurt you more than was necessary. If it matters to you, review that moment in your mind -- had you kind of inadvertently back him into a corner so that he had to say "I love you" or else look very callous and cold?

 

One interpretation paints him as a bit of a jerk, a user who would not stoop to toy with you if it suited his purposes. The other paints him as someone who wanted to move away from you and on to other women, and tried to let you down easily. It doesn't really matter in the long run which interpretation you choose (or another if you can think of one) so long as the underlying message is absolutely clear: it's over. He's dating other women. He wouldn't be doing that if he loved you. You have no choice but to let him go.

[Lauren]

I don't see where this man was cheating on you, you had decided to end the relationship. If he told you that he loved you prior to your breakup, I guess there is not telling whether that was the truth or not. Maybe this fella loved you and still wanted to be with other people?!!! I don't think you can be upset at him in this matter. According to your post, you had equally decided and agreed upon just being friends. No matter how much you say that you "love" this man, he has moved on. I suggest that you do the same and definitely do not call him again. It is time for YOU to move on and find other interests.

 

NEED SOME ENCOURAGEMENT,as I will NEVER understand MEN! my boyfriend of six months and I were on " a break" while still discussing our future plans together. On Friday he came to my home to talk, and we decided even though we both really love each other we should just be friends for the time being. On saturday night he came walking in to the restaurant i was in ,holding another girls hand!! (he was obviously on a date) I got really upset, but tried not to show it, yet on Sunday I cried all day and called him. Because I was upset I screamed at him, which I regret . I do really love him, and miss him, but was hoping he would try harder to make our relationship work. I can't believe he says he loves me, then the very next day is some-one else!!!! Am I suppose to just let him go? I now feel cheated and think his jealousy/possessiveness were because he was up to no good behind my back.

[Tony T]

I don't see the relevance of the "cheating men" heading in your post. He was not cheating on you at all.

 

I don't think you care all that much about this guy. Your reaction to his being with another girl and holding hands with her so soon was just a knee jerk reaction that anyone would have. People who break up never want someone else to have what they had...even though they don't want it anymore.

 

Now, if you were lying to yourself when you broke up with him and said you wanted to be friends, shame on you. But the deed's done now. Just move on.

 

I totally agree with the above two posts. It is essential that you write this guy off. He will not make a good friend for you at all if you're going to have these kinds of reactions when he dates because it seems like he has moved on rather quickly.

 

Stop calling him, emailing him, sending him messages of any form and just plain cease all contact with him. It's over, at least for now. When you are married, have three kids, and get a five minute break while the kids are at school or taking a nap, give this guy a call and say hi.

[marzipan75]

Hi,

 

I understand how you feel. Right now there must be a million things going through your head, like maybe when they might have met or why you two couldn't work it out. What you are feeling is completely natural and you're going to hurt for a little while. One thing you can be greatful for is that you only went out six months, other people (like me) date a lot longer and then find themselves completely devastated when it doesn't work out. I dated a guy for 8 years and he cheated on me then dumped me the next day to be with her. So I know how you feel, believe me you are better without his sorry arse.

 

Bringing the "date" to your restaurant was incredibly uncool of him to do. Who exactly does he think he is?!!! I don't know why he did that, do you work there or did he know you were going to be there? I am sorry he did that because if anything that just shows he is immature and can't tell you the truth himself, instead he tries to show it to you? I admire your strength for staying and acting like it didn't bother you, I think you did the right thing there. The worst thing you can do is give in and let it show that you are hurt because I think that sometimes that just inflates their egos!

 

He should know that your feelings would be hurt and he should at least have enough tact and sensitivity not to show up somewhere he knows you're going to be, it's almost like he rubbed it in your face. Just let it go. That's the biggest favor you can do yourself at this point, let it go, you are better off! I know it's so hard to do and right now you still feel love for this guy but in time you will find out that these feelings will pass. It's like they told me in here, let yourself feel bad if you need to and don't be obsessed with getting out there yet and trying to find someone new to fill the void, just because he may have.

 

Also, look at it this way, I'm sure that when he saw you there his evening probably did not go as planned either. Think about that. Just because they were out and holding hands doesn't necessarily mean it's an instant love connection, ever heard the saying "the grass is greener on the other side" ? When you go through something like this, you paint all these images in your mind about how rosy and wonderful a life they must be having, when it's not necessarily like that.

 

You said in your post that you were on a "break" so it sounds like maybe you've had some time to deal with not having him around, why not get back to that point? Just focus on you for the time being and getting you through this. Don't try to convince him to come back or yourself that he will be back because I for one can tell you it is not healthy. You need to try to move on and begin to accept the fact that he is no longer in your life.

 

That's the best advice I can give you right now. I know you are hurting and that's going to go on for a little while. Let him go, and try to focus on yourself for a while. I know that when you've gone for a while functioning as a couple it's very hard to try and do it on your own but that's what you need to do now. Don't try to contact him and don't try going over it in your head a million times because it won't make you feel any better.

 

For now, talk to your friends, family, us, if you need to. There's a lot of release that comes with talking out your feelings. Crying is good too. Don't be afraid to cry, it's okay and you feel a sense of release when you do. You wouldn't be human if this didn't hurt you, let the feelings come and they will pass. Let us know how you are doing. Try to take it one day at a time and don't contact him anymore.

 

You've told him how you really feel and now he knows where you stand, I think it was good that you were honest with him about what he did, he needed to know that what he did was a stupid thing.

 

Now leave it there. Don't call him anymore and if he tries to call you don't make the mistake of talking to him. You said that you two ended it as friends, as much as you would like to be do you honestly think you could handle being friends right now? Given what you saw and how it made you feel? Don't push that. Give yourself time to get over this, you've received a heavy blow and that's not something you can easily get over. If he's a good enough guy and he genuinely wants to be friends then he will wait however long it takes you to get over this to do that.

 

There is never any kind of break up "etiquette" that you follow in these matters. Sometimes you really want to be friends afterwards and although it is possible, it's never a good idea right after the break up. Usually there's one person who feels extremely guilty and so they try to use the "let's stay friends" clause to make themselves feel better about something they've done or because the other person is not ready to have them out of their life and wants to entertain the possibility of having them there if the other stuff doesn't work out. Don't do it. It's not healthy, you can't break up if you are still in eachother's lives now can you?

 

Okay, enough lecture there. I hate seeing this happen to another person but I can tell you that time does heal all wounds. I still feel hurt and I've only been broken up about two months now. My first reaction was that my entire life was over. Now I don't feel that way. Yes the life as you know it with that person in it is over and yes you will need to come to terms with that. Nobody can tell you how long it will take or how good/bad you will feel or when. It just happens and you need to just deal with it because there's nobody else who can. Talk to anyone if you need to, post another message on this board if you want, talking always makes me feel better.

 

Give yourself some time and be kind to yourself right now because you will need it. Just keep telling yourself that you're here, you're alright and it's not you!!!!

 

I can't tell you enough how many people going through a break up (including myself!) who keep blaming themselves for what happened, don't do that. Do not blame yourself, don't even waste your time entertaining the thought. It's not you and I hope you realize that if anything! Remember that he chose to do this and not you so the problem does not lie with you but with him. Keep that in mind above all else.

 

Take care and let us know how you're doing. You'll get there don't worry. You will feel better, you will, I know it.

 

marz

NEED SOME ENCOURAGEMENT,as I will NEVER understand MEN! my boyfriend of six months and I were on " a break" while still discussing our future plans together. On Friday he came to my home to talk, and we decided even though we both really love each other we should just be friends for the time being. On saturday night he came walking in to the restaurant i was in ,holding another girls hand!! (he was obviously on a date) I got really upset, but tried not to show it, yet on Sunday I cried all day and called him. Because I was upset I screamed at him, which I regret . I do really love him, and miss him, but was hoping he would try harder to make our relationship work. I can't believe he says he loves me, then the very next day is some-one else!!!! Am I suppose to just let him go? I now feel cheated and think his jealousy/possessiveness were because he was up to no good behind my back.