dahlia Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 Hi everyone, It's been three mths since my breakup and I am still upset over it. I am awake right now just crying as I read many of these posts. I know the only people on these sites are the ones that were left (for the most part) and the ones that did the leaving have moved on. They probably have had an active sex life----when I couldn't even think about it----had many good night's sleep, etc etc. I finally have been forcing myself to get out there and date. Today's date was the first one that was bearable. I know I need to move past this sadness. But, it angers and saddens me that my ex, who I was together with for four yrs, could walk out on me and then only call me once in three mths. It tears me apart. Because it forces me to face the fact that I really didn't mean that much to him. I had just deluded myself. Hope everyone else is doing better than me, and if by any chance someone is up and feeling sad, too, I would love to hear from you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 Dahlia, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. (((((big hugs))))) And I totally understand how awful you're feeling. I had my husband walk out on me after eight years (that was over five years ago) and since then I've lost three long-term boyfriends. Just broke up with this last one this week because he's become an insane workaholic as a way to distance himself and avoid me (the cowardly way out of not having to actually break up with me). I never thought this one would turn out to be a commitmentphobe like the rest, because he was so head-over-heels for me for the first several months. And then it was like a switch was flipped....as soon as I said "I love you" back, he started to withdraw. They love the chase, but don't stick around for the keeping part. I'm thirtysomething and starting to think that when I'm eightysomething I'll still be single and living in a cramped apartment with a million cats and all the neighborhood children will make fun of me. Yep. It's official. Life sucks. And whenever you're alone and not in love it seems like the rest of the world is paired up and you're the freak who got left behind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dahlia Posted January 21, 2006 Author Share Posted January 21, 2006 Heh, I totally understand. That's the hard part for me to comprehend, too. My ex b/f was crazy in love with me for the first two yrs of our relationship. He basically chased me everywhere, loved me to death, called while I was at work, etc. And then the last yr or so, it was just a downward spiral of indifference. I tried to pretend that it was all in my imagination, until I came home to him having moved out..... Oh, well, my heart still aches and I am sorry for everyone else on here who is feeling heartache right now. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 I tried to pretend that it was all in my imagination, until I came home to him having moved out..... Good Lord, what is it with men that do that? Effing bastards. My ex-fiance...the one right after the ex-hubby....did that to me. Came home after work to find him moving out. This was a couple days after he found out I was pregnant. Then he tore up our marriage license. Men can be such a**h***s. I should have been a lesbian. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dahlia Posted January 21, 2006 Author Share Posted January 21, 2006 You are sooooo funny.....Yea, wish I could be a lesbian, too. Unfortunately, I have no attraction towards women whatsoever. I just wish I could shake the pain that I feel over my exb/f. I really do miss him. Every friend, neighbor and family member has popped champagne bottles over him leaving, why can't I????? Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 I guess you're not toasting his departure because he broke YOUR heart. You know, the thing that gets me is that when someone gives their love, heart and devotion to someone, doesn't that entail some sort of responsibility from the person who takes it? Like, um...i dunno...how about NOT s***ting all over it. There's a kind way to behave...a kind way to break things off with someone, and somehow people (usually men) choose the most cruel way to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dahlia Posted January 21, 2006 Author Share Posted January 21, 2006 Here's the thing: I think if my ex really did love me, he would not have hurt me the way he did. I realize that he evidently lost feelings for me a long time ago, but never admitted it. His actions during the end of our relationship should have given me a clue. I guess they did, I was just in denial. So when he left, I am sure he wasn't sad and thinking, Gee I better not hurt her. He probably never even broke a sweat, shed a tear or looked over his shoulder. And I guess that's what makes me cry....You know? Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 You are sooooo funny.....Yea, wish I could be a lesbian, too. Unfortunately, I have no attraction towards women whatsoever. I know the feeling... Let's all be lesbians together. *hugs to dahlia and jen* I'm often up crying and thinking about things myself, except that I don't even feel validated for feeling this way because he wasn't even my boyfriend and I only really knew him 3 months (besides the small crush on him I had in college). I didn't think I would feel this bad when it first ended, but I do. I started seeing a counselor because that's what I'd advise for someone else in this situation. I've been trying to find some flaw in me that explains it so I can just move on, but he was more special to me and I miss him more than any other guy (and I lived with my ex for about a year). I want desperately just to hear him laugh again, but there's no way I'm going to talk to him unless he calls me to appologize profusely and beg for forgiveness. I think this is the first time my heart's ever really been broken, and I'm embarrassed and feel like a complete idiot for letting him do it so easily. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 Oh yes, I do know. I struggle with the same thing. It's hard not to think, "If they loved me then they wouldn't hurt me the way they did." I guess there really is a fine line between love and hate. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 You know, my mom pretty much summed it up when she told me, "Honey, you know how to love...he doesn't. He's the loser, not you." It doesn't take the pain away, but it's true, and when I remember those words I'm reminded that there's nothing wrong with me -- which is a painful trap that us rejectees fall into (self-blame). Link to post Share on other sites
Author dahlia Posted January 21, 2006 Author Share Posted January 21, 2006 One other thing I would like to add is this. When my marriage ended----b/c he cheated, I was devastated. But, after this relationship ended, I was a million times more heartbroken b/c I loved this guy more than any other guy in my life including my exhusband. I have reflected on it a long time, and I know myself and I don't kid myself. My sister just cannot believe that I loved this guy soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. But I did and still do. It scares me sometimes, b/c I don't want to pine away forever over him. I think he will always be the true love of my life, and I guess everyone has one. Usually it's most people's first love, but this guy was the moon and the stars to me Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 You know, my mom pretty much summed it up when she told me, "Honey, you know how to love...he doesn't. He's the loser, not you." It doesn't take the pain away, but it's true, and when I remember those words I'm reminded that there's nothing wrong with me -- which is a painful trap that us rejectees fall into (self-blame). Hehe. I know this guy has problems and doesn't seem to know how to have a relationship. IMO, he f*cked up the best thing that ever happened to him. I don't even want a relationship with him now. I just miss talking to him, but I won't do that until he appologizes (and actually knows what he's appologizing for, because since he hardly listens to me, he doesn't seem to get it at all) and I can't do it until my feelings are completely gone either. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 Dahlia, what you just wrote....I could have written it. Thought I was in love with my ex-husband, but I didn't know what being in love was until I met this one. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 Crap. I've got to stop listening to sappy break-up songs. Sniffle, sniffle. Oh well, what else is there to do when you're up late pining away? Anyone remember this classic from the 80s? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dahlia Posted January 21, 2006 Author Share Posted January 21, 2006 Jen Jen, that's the sad part, isn't it???? Believe me, I would love to let go of the love I feel for him.. I haven't contacted him in anyway. He only contacted me once on xmas eve to brag about his new life. My sister thinks he wanted to break me down and have me beg him back. But, even though I love him more than anything, I still have my dignity. He walked out on me, so I would only take him back if he came after me. But, who am I kidding???? He's been gone three months and I guess he's having the time of his life. I wouldn't know. He moved two states away. I really am trying to move on. Like I said, I am finally dating again. I am dragging myself out there. I can't live the rest of my life pining away over a guy that could just walk away from me and never turn back. I know I deserve more than that. I know it. So, I wonder how long it will take me to stop hoping for him to return? Six mths? A yr? How pathetic am I??? Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 It's good that you're putting yourself out there...dating, I mean. That will help you move on. And I think you'll stop hoping he'll come back when you meet someone who you want to stick around.....someone who demonstrates to you that your love and affection is wanted, and someone that you feel worthy of giving that to. I know it sucks, but it really is all about time. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 How pathetic am I??? You're not pathetic. I am. Yesterday, in the mail, arrived a special gift I had custom made for my boyfriend in anticipation of Valentine's Day back when I believed him when he said he would stop behaving emotionally and physically distant. It's not something I can return, so I'm stuck with it. So you know what I'm going to do? Walk it next door and leave it in a bag hanging on his door. I can't have it here mocking me. I also spent quite a bit of time this evening highlighting sections of the self-help book, He's Scared, She's Scared. I'm going to put that in the bag too.....he really needs to read that book to get some perspective as to why he's such an effing commitmentphobe who hurts people he claims to love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dahlia Posted January 21, 2006 Author Share Posted January 21, 2006 Jen Jen I totally agree with you. That's why I am going out again. I guess I am trying to believe there is still hope that I will love someone again. And even if I never love another with the same intensity that I loved him, well at least I will love again. And you know, I have been so good. For three mths, I have not read any of his old love letters, love poems, etc. I have not looked at any old pictures. But tonight, I just missed him soooo much that I had to look at a picture of him. I haven't seen his face in three long months. So I had to look tonight. Sometimes I wonder if maybe due to his arrogance and pride he is not calling me, but missing me too. I hold onto that hope, but I know if he truly loved and missed me nothing would hold him back from contacting me. Oh well. Hopefully if I ever find love again, I will post that here to anyone that may be in my shoes down the road. At least to give them hope. But, it really is all up to fate and chance and oh yea, me getting out there again!! Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 Jen Jen And you know, I have been so good. For three mths, I have not read any of his old love letters, love poems, etc. I have not looked at any old pictures. Wow! You were good! Such willpower! I'm impressed. You're stronger than I am, that's for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
dnm1010 Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 im really sorry to hear youre going through this pain.. and im sure people have told you this before.. it takes time... its gonna hurt and some days will be better than others.. i was silly and with my previous bf we started dating knowing we cant have a future together.. and we lived together for a yr and a half and then he had to move and we had to break up and it was hard on both of us cos we HAD to break up we didnt want to.. and i went with him to the airport and said bye and hat was it. and for months i was in pain. but things got better. i dont know how or when but they just did. and as time passed i saw more clearly the things he did that upset me. the good things too but not just.. just hang in there and know u have a place to come to if u need to talk. Link to post Share on other sites
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