Can't handle FWB - feel so awful

[CrazyHorse]

As the title suggests, I'm not handling this FWB situation at all.

 

He's wrong for me on so many levels and I could never see him as a boyfriend but I think I'm developing feelings for him. I don't understand how sex can make you feel that way.

 

To top it off, I have a gut feeling that he is now seeing someone that I sort of know but don't see much (she's a friend of one of our mutual friends). This is really upsetting me too even though I know it shouldn't.

 

I feel rejected and insignificant. Lately, I've been feeling like the lonliest person in the world and this has only made me feel lonlier. All my friends are settling down with families etc and as a result, I have hardly any social life at all. I've been single for so long now and it was so good to have some company but now it would seem he doesn't want mine.

 

I was with him and a couple of friends today at the pub and he'd hardly look me in the eye every time I spoke. He'd answer me but he wouldn't really look at me. When he was talking to us all, he'd hardly look at me either. He was frequently sending text messages and tonight, the friends I live with went to a pub for a couple of hours. Usually they'd ask me along but something tells me they went there to meet with him and this other girl. I feel like they know something is going on but won't tell me.

 

He has absolutely NO idea I feel this way. None at all. I'm a champion at hiding my feelings and acting like everything's normal. I see him regularly at our friends house and never act any different.

 

I feel lonely, I'm craving company, I have no social life and I feel like a total reject. I can't even get a guy to have a casual relationship with me before they want someone else. I'm very attractive, intelligent and down-to-earth, yet I feel like a nobody.

 

To sum it up, I feel like absolute sh*t. Friends with benefits sucks. I'm sick of crying over it and I feel like I'm going mad. I just want him out of my head and out of my system. I can't even eat or sleep properly because it's getting to me so much. The funny thing is, if I had someone else who was interested in me, and who I liked back, I wouldn't give a toss about him anymore. Unfortunately, I never get out enough to meet anyone.

[bluetuesday]

He's wrong for me on so many levels and I could never see him as a boyfriend but I think I'm developing feelings for him. I don't understand how sex can make you feel that way.

 

sigh. it's very easily done. for many women, and men too, sex binds you emotionally to a person. even a person you didn't think you liked in that way. maybe we're created that way. to bond with those people we could find ourselves having babies with.

 

To top it off, I have a gut feeling that he is now seeing someone... This is really upsetting me too even though I know it shouldn't.

 

you need to never have sex with him again, however sorely you are tempted. if you have to see him socially, so be it. but don't be alone with him. don't text him, don't mail him, and don't sit home crying while thinking about him. this man wants someone else. it's hard to hear, but the sooner you realise he's not with you, the better. having sex with him ever again will only deepen the fact you..

 

feel rejected and insignificant.

 

i am so sorry. this is a sh*tty situation. you seem to want something, only to find you have been looking for it in the wrong place. regardless of how he sees this, you'll feel like you've been dumped by someone you're emotionally attached to. expect that feeling to last for a while, but know it won't last for ever.

 

FWB is an absolute lie for many people. despite their best intentions they start to feel something for the other person and 'friends' goes out the window. it happens too frequently to be coincidence, in my opinion.

 

I feel lonely, I'm craving company, I have no social life and I feel like a total reject.

 

understandable, but you seem sensible enough to realise it won't be like this for ever. you have friends - and even married friends can be great company and may even introduce you to some nice single men, if that's what you want.

 

please don't think this is about you not being good enough. you are. but even the most attractive, intelligent people are dumped sometimes - and thank god, or we'd end up with some loser who didn't deserve us.

 

you CAN get a guy to be interested in you - just not this guy. oh come on, if he was THAT great, he'd want to be with you. the fact he doesn't means he has appalling taste, right? i mean, what a loser to give up someone as great as you.

 

trust me, i don't even know you and can tell from the maturity and intelligence in your post that this guy has lost out. he doesn't want you? GOOD! it's time to find someone who knows what they've got when they're with you.

 

I never get out enough to meet anyone.

 

why? unless there's a great reason not to leave the house, the world is waiting for you right outside the door. do something you love. join a salsa class, take up painting, get a dog to walk, learn a new language, go skydiving. find whatever you're passionate about, do it, and people will gravitate towards you, i promise. the RIGHT people.

 

just don't sell yourself short. you are worth so much more. and once YOU know it, other people won't fail to notice.

[CrazyHorse]

Thanks, BlueTuesday, for your objective advice Somtimes it's so hard to be objective about things when you feel like cr*p but you're so right. I also agree with you that FWB is a total lie. If I can give any advice to anyone I would say: FWB- just don't go there. It defeats the purpose and principles of a friendship. It changes everything and not for the better. While it completely sucks to feel rejected by someone who's not a friend, and who you'll never see again if you don't have to, it feels worse when it's with a friend. FWB means they can dump your a*se at any time with perfectly good reason. It's a poor excuse for intimacy.

 

I've already decided that I don't ever want to sleep with him again. I'd just be digging myself deeper and I have more self-respect than that. I'm fed up with his hot and cold attitude towards me. I don't deserve that kind of treatment and he doesn't deserve to have someone like me, who's kind and very considerate of other people's feelings. I care about him a lot but it's time for me to be selfish for once.

 

It's a shame that sex makes people feel emotionally attached. The funny thing is, if I took away the sex, there's not much there that I like. He can be funny sometimes and he has a killer smile but that's about it for me. He's incredibly moody, can be very immature, we're not on the same wavelength when it comes to intelligence and he can be very selfish. I think what I also find disappointing is that our friendship became based on sex in the end. Not a good feeling.

 

P.S. I love your comment about him not wanting to be with means he has appalling taste I'm going to make that my mantra.

[Lishy]

Blue, if I could give you 100 rep points for that reply I would! You will have to make do with 1 lol

 

I think Blue has said it all CH - Reading your post is like reading a replica of what I am living now! It is so hard to seperate sex with feelings and it leaves you feeling like crapolla! Read my posts and you will see what I have been through with my FWB. It isnt good and it leaves you feeling like ****e!

 

I wish you all of the strength to get through this honey and I know you will!

[curiousnycgirl]

I wish I could give you the magic words to make you feel better, but all I can do is confirm what you are thinking to hopefully strengthen your resolve.

 

I was involved in a FWB relationship for 8 years. Throughout that time my feelings for him would ebb and wane, as would his for me. There were times when I thought I wanted to marry him, and vice versa. During those times we would part ways (can't exactly call it breaking up, but it was) - and I would feel lonely and depressed. Even though I always knew he was not right for me!

 

What I now realize is that I was simply avoiding anything meaningful and real by keeping him around. Truth be told dating is awful. You consistently feel either disappointed or rejected - however they haven't figured out a better way to finally meet "the one."

 

I urge you to end this thing with him and move on with your life. You will be surprised how quickly the two of you very comfortably fall back into being friends, if that is what you want.

 

Very best of luck to you.

[helena abadi]

BlueTuesday, that was a wonderful piece of advice. CrazyHorse, you are not alone in thinking that FWB is more complicated than it sounds. Women, particularly, find it harder to separate sex from emotional attachment. (And I think FWB is crap.)

 

Look at it this way: dating is a process of elimination, not rejection.

 

You are wise to walk away now, because all the signs say he's with someone else.

 

If you are craving company and feel lonely, then you will settle for FWB or second best. You deserve better, but we can say this until we are blue in the face. You need to feel that you deserve better.

 

You mentioned you had no social life. Can you tell me more about this?

 

If you generally have trouble connecting with people, then there are some underlying issues that need to be addressed. Can you tell me a bit more about your social isolation? Do you have women friends?

[CrazyHorse]

You mentioned you had no social life. Can you tell me more about this?

 

If you generally have trouble connecting with people, then there are some underlying issues that need to be addressed. Can you tell me a bit more about your social isolation? Do you have women friends?

All my friends are in relationships/getting married/having kids/have kids so basically, I don't get to go out half as often as I used to. It's very, very hard to get out much at all anymore because I'm the only single one left and I'm at a point where everyone is moving on with their lives in a different direction to me. I couldn't even get anyone to come with me to the BDO in Sydney (a music festival for those who don't live here) , which would have been a great place to meet people with a common interest.

 

I have no problem socialising with people though. I make friends very easily but getting out more is the problem.

 

Not unlike curiousnycgirl, my feelings for him ebb and wane too. I can go for months and months without feeling a thing for him (and vice versa for him) then once we start sleeping together, I think I develop feelings, when in fact I think I'm confusing lust for something more.

 

I think that being in a rut at the moment and feeling lonely is what makes me gravitate towards him. But I would still think it would be a terrible thing to hook up with someone he knows when I've been shagging him. I'd expect him to feel awful but that's what FWB does to you. Because the boundaries are so blurred, you don't see that not being exclusive gives you (and him) every right to pursue whoever you want. It's total cr*p, FWBs. It makes things so awkward and seems to cheapen friendships, when it shouldn't. Never, EVER again will I have a FWB. It's all or nothing from now on.

[caring guy]

Crazyhorse

I feel the same, i'm feeling rejected, & alone, all my friends are in a relationship & the ones that aren't are sad drunks at the bar!

I'm not like that, i don't screw around, i get attached, when sex happens it's because i care, emotionaly, i want to be emotionaly there during sex.

I guess some men give guys like me a bad reputation, because of what they do!

 

Jeez, why are you in Fu*king Australia, I want company, crave it too, i feel so alone, my relationship stuff is all over this forum, I am mixed up, i don't know where i am, i guess you fee,l this way too!

We can become bitter because of relationship sh*t, but we have love to burn & we have to hold on to someone in this life baby! We need it!

xxx from me to you

cg

[Lishy]

FWB's suck and I too will NEVER EVER get into another one!

 

Mind you after coming out of such a long relationship I thought that all I wanted was casual sex - How wrong could I be! Mind you to expect that a girl like me, who has never had casual sex or a one night, could just call a guy over for sex is a bit retarded of me!

 

The worst part was that we never discussed what we where, we just got on with it. And when it ended, neither of us actually ended it so I dont even have closure! And when I see him the connection is blinding! How can 2 people connect so much and not take it further?

 

The worst part is that after I got feelings for him they did not feel validated as we where never together in the first place!

 

Once bitten, twice shy eh lol

[Lishy]

The worst thing for me is the loneliness I feel at times, I am surrounded by friends and family and I go out every weekend, but sometimes I can be in a room full of people and feel that awful empty lonely feeling! It sucks!

[CrazyHorse]

FWB's suck and I too will NEVER EVER get into another one!

 

Mind you after coming out of such a long relationship I thought that all I wanted was casual sex - How wrong could I be! Mind you to expect that a girl like me, who has never had casual sex or a one night, could just call a guy over for sex is a bit retarded of me!

I thought I could handle it too. I haven't had a proper boyfriend for 5 years. It took me a long time to get over my ex and I was terrified of getting burned again. I've only had a couple of casual flings (including my FWB) and at first, I could handle just having sex with him. I felt nothing but friendship and physical attraction to him and was almost indifferent to the situation. But like I said, it's the lonliness I feel that has drawn me in deeper. If I had a number of guys to choose from, it certainly wouldn't be him. God, sex complicates things.

 

 

The worst part was that we never discussed what we where, we just got on with it. And when it ended, neither of us actually ended it so I dont even have closure! And when I see him the connection is blinding! How can 2 people connect so much and not take it further?

We once discussed that FWB was not good because either of us could get hurt so decided not to do it. Then a month or so later, we're doing it again, at his suggestion. One of my friends (who is good friends with him) admitted to me that when he thinks something could be more, he backs off because he gets scared (he too is once bitten, twice shy). I've seen this pattern in him so I should expect nothing less. We didn't call boundaries, but how can you? "Let's sleep together, but we can't fall for one another, ok?" doesn't exactly cut it.

 

The worst part is that after I got feelings for him they did not feel validated as we where never together in the first place!

I think your feelings are totally valid. You may never have been exclusive, but you were physically together and spending time with each other. That's how a lot of people fall for another person. But I do understand what you mean

 

Caring Guy - thanks for your response I never realised just how many people out there are in the same boat and feeling lonely. It's sad to think there's so many of us, but I guess we can take comfort in the fact that we're all not alone in feeling that way. Sometimes I feel like the lonliest person in the world, but clearly, I'm not. Like Lishy, I sometimes feel extra lonely in a room full of people but I think for all of us, what we're craving is someone to share a more intimate side of ourselves with, and I don't mean just sex. A physical and mental connection is what a lot of us crave. And physical touch too. I never realised how important that was until now. Just a simple touch on the back, or to rest your legs on someone's lap, or have someone play with your hair. I think I might get a massage on my lunch break. I'm such a girl

[emotionsmessmeup]

I am not then only one then..lol

 

It feels awful...once they have had you enuf or use u just when they need you...awful.

 

And I really didnt understand how cud somebody not fall for me..and the cute things that happened between us and the amazing chemistry and similar background...not to mention that his biological clock is ticking..he is getting older..

 

But u know what..I will never understand...becoz i am not like him .

 

I keep looking for some sign that it is not as meaningless as it actually is..

that he does care but its lost...just to make myself feel better...but the fact is...the minute i date someone else..I will be over him..coz there was nothing there except the sex..

 

luckily i want a change of scene too and have decided to move to a different country...

 

 

whats meant to happen will happen....

 

the poor man doesnt even know what he cud have had and lost it all..

 

And maybe he is scared...but i am scared too...and i wud rather be with a man who is confident and will make me believe that it can work than be lost and confused...

[Mary3]

I think that FWB should have a new definition. You aren't really * friends * . You are simply sleeping together. Usually the one who suggests FWB is the one who wants to have sex with you and nothing more.

 

After being in former FWB situation recently I was offered that and I think I will decline. I will hold out for someone new who is interested in me now. I will see how that turns out. I no longer want to be anyone's FWB.

 

For those of you who think you can have casual sex with someone who has decided you are not worth having an exclusive relationship with , then you can tell that person to go to H ***( Hot Place )

 

We live and learn.

 

For those of you who do like casual sex and don't want a relationship , try not to call that person a friend ( FWB ) . That person is ****** you and thats about all it is...

[Lishy]

Reading these posts makes me SO realise that I am not alone in how I feel!

 

It has also made me realise something extremely fundemental .... I dont miss HIM, I dont want HIM I am not upset about HIM ... I am just LONELY! I think I am pushing my thoughts onto him only because he was the last guy I really connected with! He is nothing special and I need to realise that!

 

I need to learn to lower my guards (they are so high, they are a fortress) and I need to give another guy a chance! No guy is getting a chance with me right now because I am so scared!

 

Crazy Horse ... I am so sorry you too are going through this - PM me anytime you need to chat honey, and I have to say thank you for posting this thread, I will mark it and come and read it when I start doubting myself again!

[flowergirl]

Hey crazy Horse, wazup Down Under, girl? Anyway, I'm sorry that all your friends have seemingly deserted you. I guess that's what happens when you get a family and all that, your old life tends to fall by the wayside. Anyway, I think you should go volunteer or join a club of some sort, it's a great way to meet people and you'll know there's already something there in common. And no more FWB, like many people on this board, I've been there and it's a bad situation. We're here for you with our support.

[Lishy]

Crazy ......... Any updates?

[skeptik224]

I don't mean to pop into this thread, but I have some insight... About 1 1/2 years ago, one of my great friends and I started messing around. I was completely honest with her in that I didn't want anything. We had been friends for about 5-6 years. I wasn't attracted to her but when I saw her flirting with other guys, I got jealous. We were FWB for about 4 months - on/off. Neither of us were dating other people so it was like we were together but keeping that other door open. (mostly on my part) I realized soon enough that I was using her to fill a void within myself. I was lonely and wanted companionship. She tried everything to be with me. She fell in love me - and apparently had been for quite sometime. We had a talk and agreed that we were going to stop, but we didn't. We continued for another month. I wasn't strong enough to resist her passes at me. I wasn't strong enough to say no. Now, 1 1/2 years later, we are semi-talking - maybe every couple of weeks. I had started dating someone soon after she and I ended. I fell for this girl so hard. (the story is posted on the break-up board and some on 2nd chances) Anyway, karma came back and bit me in the ass. This person broke my heart. Ironically enough, my ex's ex and my past FWB are together and just moved in. I feel terrible for what happened between my FWB and I. (even though it wasn't just me) Once I grew up, I sent her an e-mail and said how sorry I was...how I couldn't believe what happened...I never meant to hurt her...all of that stuff. I told her how important she was to me and that I hope one day she could forgive me. In fact, I went so far - through a later conversation via e-mail that we had, to tell her how I'm getting now what I gave to her...(we used to talk about karma in a general way) I'm very happy for her, but I miss her. Almost every day I feel the guilt of what I did to her. I lost one of my closest friends...someone that was there for me through past break-ups, deaths in my family, everything. I WISH she could be there for me now....I need her friendship more than anything.

 

I guess the whole purpose of my story is to say that I will NEVER do a FWB...my current ex and I talked about it, but I love her too much to put myself through that. I also wanted to give another perspective. Although I was an ass throughout things with my FWB, I want people to know that sometimes it takes us awhile to realize what we had and lost. I only hope that everyone - regardless of which thread you're on - gets the apology they deserve...

 

I learned a VERY VALUABLE lesson....at the expense of losing a best friend....

[Lishy]

Skeptic that has made me want to cry!

 

You sound so nice!

[skeptik224]

Thanks, Lishy...I am that nice. Honestly, it makes me really, really sad. I'll tell you if I could go back in time, I'd honestly NEVER do it again. She's a fantastic person who has all the qualities I'd ever want, but the spark just wasn't there for me. All I felt was friendship. Karma is truly out there...I'm living proof. I'm waiting for the positive sides of karma to rear it's pretty head now.

[Lishy]

I do believe that what goes around comes around - But What is happening to you is not because you where horrible. You where honest with her and she was honest about having feelings for you!

 

You would have been more horrible if you had stuck around her, she hopefully ended up meeting a guy who found that spark with her, we all deserve that!

 

You was not horrible and you should not feel bad about not feeling it with her.